A Poem(perhaps sub-par?)

[Tarachnul]

this is a poem i kind of just rattled off one night and i figured id post it just to see what everybody thought...any comments, possible changes, etc. are quite welcome. and should you feel like you need to your quite welcome to poke fun at it as well:D

Shadow and Light

Shadowy darkness garbed the one
Pain and sorrow his fun,
Broken hearts and shattered dreams his thread,
torture and cruelty his bread,

Brilliant light draped the other,
truth son and right his daughter,
new hope and perseverance his life,
honor and justice his fife,

his darkness spread across the land,
the blight led by a subtle hand,
anathema to his brothers kind
his brothers death to find

his light parted the night,
his presence threw back the blight,
and searching he saw,
where his brothers evil lay raw,

Honor and justice feed the blaze
His burning, defiant gaze, which seems to pierce the haze,
At this he loosed a smirk, full of scorn and wit,
And so in battle they met,

One the worlds hope,
Letting it continue its steady lope,
The other its doom
Starting the war drums rythmic boom,

One as light,
The other as night,
These the brothers,
Whom hate each other,

Dark and light,
clash in the twilight,
dancing their last deadly dance,
prevailing by luck, skill, or simple chance,

Swords shattered,
armor battered,
Shields broken,
all left to them their token,


Daggers to each others throat,
drunk with fear and anger,
only tension to make them sober,
the dark one laughed and it was over,

with silent cries,
and the face a man can only make when he dies,
there in the gloom the brothers,
fell before each other,

such was the end of the knights of black and white
of  wrong and right, of shadow and light...

-Tarach

[Ragnar-GD]

Originally posted by Tarachnul

this is a poem i kind of just rattled off one night and i figured id post it just to see what everybody thought...

Shadow and Light
[...]
such was the end of the knights of black and white
of  wrong and right, of shadow and light...

-Tarach

Everyone who dares to show his hard work to the daylight deserves fair feedback.

I\'m not a native speaker, less an expert for english rhymes, so ignore my ranting for most of it, if you don\'t agree on it or find me overly critic. I\'m sure I would do less good than you even in my own language.

My impression is, you don\'t do rhymes every day. The flow of words - it\'s \"rhythm\", to be precise - gets broken every four lines or so, because, technically spoke, you press too many syllables into one line, followed by too less in the next.
Perhaps you may look if you can \"carry\" words from one line to the other, as there is noo need in poetry for every line to have one complete sentence, as its the \"rhythm\" that actually counts (except for at the end of any paragraph usually).
Perhaps you should also look for some standard \"rhythms\" for Poetry on the internet. I don\'t have an actual link for such, as I don\'t look it up normally, but in my latin-lessons (decades ago) I learned such exist, and found it very valuable for judging (and doing) poetry.

Considering the content, this is already above many wannabe-RPG-poetry, although you probably know this is a well-treaded (trodded? trotten? dictionary anyone?) path otherwise.

So, to say it in my uncaring way: I enjoyed your lines for what they are.

:-)