A minor tale.

[Wodaj]

[This is Modnar, Wodaj's twin writing this, I just haven't gotten around to anythig atm. This is a short story a nearby miner caused me to make up. (It's mostly the original one and I didn't put too much effort into it so I challenge someone to either 1.Fix it up so it's actually good or... 2. Make it into a much longer tale that is worthy of a read.)]

"This here tale tells of the discovery of the alternative 'ulber mines'."

It began on a day when the sun was shining and the clouds were smiling.
All was well and all were happy, except for one young Fenki. This fabled feline would scour the land for the greatest of treasures.
Whom stumbled upon a secret untold, a herd of ulber both young and old.
She entered the nest without fear to find that the ulber were deadly, each with a claw the size of a man, and as diabolic as the most wicked of diaboli!
She tried to flee and it soon came to be, that the ulber swung but beeing so large and her so fast, the ulber struck gold!

[Also I realise that the biggest problem with this is the last verse and that Diaboli are not inherently evil.]

[Donari Tyndale]

[Diabolic!=Diaboli^^. You don't mean the second gold mine, do you?]

[Wodaj]

[of course the second gold mine    ]

[Draklar]

Hmm... I like the poetic touch, but all too often I cannot find any rhythm there.
For example, I really like the alliteration in this sentence:
"This fabled feline would scour the land for the greatest of treasures."
But I feel like the sentence ends prematurely. I'd add two sylables there:
"This fabled feline would scour the land for the greatest of treasures to find."

And I don't really like this phrase: "and as diabolic as the most wicked of diaboli!"
I don't feel the repetition works well there. Rather makes it somewhat clunky.

It's nice, but all in all I'd say pay more attention to the rhythm ;)

[Wodaj]

I know that's why I wanted someone to fix it up, I'm not good at that at all....I know I don't like the Diaboli line and I've actually been thinking about that all day, no success though. [Thanks muchly for the comment, I'll compile the best of ideas if they keep coming in...a month maybe.]

[Donari Tyndale]

[What I don't like about it is merely the fact that you define how the second gold mine was discovered. Maybe it was discovered differently? Just say it is a gold mine we don't know.]

[Draklar]

Just a quick draft:

It all began on a day shade free, when the sun azure, bright, shed much light.
Then all was well and all were happy, save for one young girl, nosey and unlucky. This fabled feline would scour the land for the greatest of treasures to find.
Alas! The treasures she seeked foul were made, when she stumbled upon ulbers' cave.
She entered the nest fearless and proud, yet quickly she learnt: is deadly their claw. Huge were the banes, dreadful was their sound, when walked they onwards her, shaken the ground.
She tried to flee and fast as she were, dodged she the claw, which struck golden heav'.

Not really my kind of writing, but I don't have time left to work out anything better :P

[Wodaj]

[That is so awesome! I didn't expect anything at all like it, tis different and far better than anything I could ever have thought of! Donari I was asked by a fellow miner how the mine was discovered, this was a short tale I thought of within ten minutes and seems rather generic. Drakler has now made it a grand tale worthy of a read.  I just wish I could write like that...I guess I'm just too lazy  ]

[Quitarias]

9 out of 10 people have writing skills but are just to held back or havent found their style of writing.I think ive pretty much writen from stories to songs and still havent found that special spice that would make me proud for what i wrote.
Dont worry Wodaj if you stick with writing youll get better(and weirder too :p)

[Wodaj]

[Truly I didn't expect any response  . I have one work that I'm proud of for now and I'm getting a new laptop, I'm going to re-write absolutely everything on my old one so I can fix up both the old and the new to improve all around. I've never read anything like Draklar's last post....I'm going down to the local library a lot more after this weekend, I'm going to finish reading the david eddings series, the mallorean.  I encourage people to keep posting! This has been the newest topic for a while so if you aren't going to make a new one post something, no matter how big or small, here! (also I should mention that half of these posts of mine are made at around 3am...and that it is still Modnar....and that I haven't been actually on PS for about a week  )]