[Alas, I was really hoping to not have to post this here, because that would be accepting that I'm done selling them ingame, but I really don't have the time for Toenail's authorism anymore. Which generally displeases me, on account of having the next three volumes all partially finished. But whatever, Volumes I and II for all of you that didn't get to enjoy them ingame]
The Amazing Adventures of Toenail - Volume I
I'm not going to lie to you, I'm probably the strongest, most manly--not to mention handsome--male to ever traverse this land we call Yliakum. I'm also without a doubt the best fighter about, my hand to hand combat skills are simply beyond that of a measureable scope. It's gotten to the point where even /thinking/ about striking something can cause it to shatter to a million pieces right then and there.
Do I let this get to my head, though? Nah... I'm very modest. Perhaps the most modest around. There have been times where I've been worshipped for my modesty, and I'll tell you right now, that feels good. Real good.
Though, the people that are going about their business around me in this tavern would never know it. Why? Because I'm also a master of the Azure Way, I'm on the level of gods with my skill. So I always cloak myself in a magical disguise. Wouldn't want people feeling immasculated beside me, would I?
My attentinon is drawn away from my self-admiration by a cloaked fellow entering the tavern. Though it's definitely not the cloak that's drawing my suspicion towards him. Heck, just looking around everyone in the tavern is wearing one. I think the Nolthrir behind me actually has three of them on...
No, it's not the cloak, it's the sheer size and lankiness of the guy. He's easily the size of one-and-a-half Ynnwn, but thin as a stick, judging by the way the cloak droops all around him. But my attention drifts away from him, perhaps because he seems to be peacefully making his way to the bar, perhaps because that gorgeous Lemur girl behind me with the oh-so-deliciously revealing clothing is getting more and more drunk. I can't really say. Nor can I really say how this puddle of drool seems to have developed in my lap, surely it can't have come from my mouth!
I swear I only stared at her... eyes. Yeah, her eyes. I stared at them only for a /moment/ and the stick was beside me, with a dagger pressed into my gut. From within the cloak there was a deep, stereotypically evil chuckle,
"Well Lemur (for that was my disguise of choice. Lemurs are the best race, they're easily better than ALL the other races), it seems as if I've got you in a tough spot! Just give me all your tria and there won't be a problem."
The laugh that came from my gut was far from evil. No, it was filled with geniuine amusement at this character's stupidity. "It is you who is in the pickle, sir. I suggest you put that toy down!"
He started to scoff, but he didn't get to finish, for in the blink of an eye, I had moved from my calm sitting position to directly behind him, where I unleashed a kick so powerful upon him that I could hear his ribs cracking as he shot off at lightning speed toward the wall, which he hit so hard that he created a hole in it!
But he didn't come out the other side, because I was already there, delivering a bone shattering punch to the cretin, that sent him flying back inside, much to the awe of everyone, ever.
I paced back inside, over to the battered body of my victim, I was in no rush. As he looked up at me, eyes full of regret and pain, he managed to stutter out a few words "W-Who are you?"
And I replied, proudly, "They call me Toenail. Remember it, worship it, fear it, but above all, love it."
I beamed around, with a wide smile, which I swear only dampened /slightly/ when I saw the Lemur temptress was absent. I didn't have time to have a funereal in my head at the loss of such a great view, because some fenki was tapping me on the shoulder.
As I turned, I saw a Kore, wearing the most hideous brown ratty cloak ever. But her eyes were filled with awe and admiration, so I tolerated her for a moment, "Yes?"
"I--I just wanted to say you're amazing, great, superb, stunning, breathtaking, extraordinary, phononminal and not to mention spectacularly handsome!"
Ah, fans. So predictable. Makes me smile every time, "Yes, would you like my autograph or something?"
She shook her head, replying instead, "No! I want to become your sidekick, becuase that demonstration of sheer might inspired me!"
My brow creased. I hate to disappoint fans, especially the ladies, but this one was wearing the most hideous cloak ever. I thought hard, what use are women other than looking pretty? The answer, of course, came in an instant.
"Can you cook?"
"Uh... yeah."
"You're hired! But you just gotta change into something not disgusting first." Wait, no. Bad idea. I've already seen her choice in clothing. It sucks. Luckily, I'm always prepared for such an occasion. I carry a womans outfit in my back pocket. I mean, a good woman's outfit takes up less space than a wallet, so it's really not much of an inconvenince.
Five minutes later, it was on, and I was admiring my new sidekick, clad in a skirt so short it's nearly pointless, and a top covering the minimal amount of her shiny white fur as possible. I wept a little inside, it was so beautiful to see such success.
"What's your name fenki?"
"Call me Maum."
I nodded. "Maum. Sounds good."
And as I stared at her... eyes. Yeah, eyes, I knew that it most definitely was going to be good.
