The Large Tower and the statue

[Andrewix-the-kran]

This is my first time on the roleplaying forum
and i had an idea for the history of the giant tower
O.K so here goes.......

500 years ago when the world was young peace was
in the land of hydlaa... One evening the King and
Queen were having dinner in the great halls underneath
the sanctuary. The food was fantastic and all the nobles
sat around the dinner table, in the middle of dinner the
king sat bolt upright \"Whats wrong dear?\" asked queen
xenie, The king did not respond instead he turned
green........ \"Oh no somebody help!\" cried the queen.
By the time the herbal doctors came the king was dead,
 no one knew what caused his death many stories
arose but the most popular story was poison..........
Everyone in the town was whispering about who the murderer could be. In fact it was poison,a lethal kind.
A cook sweared on her mothers life that she had saw
the senator do some suspicious things with the kings food. The queen executed the senator, but so grievous
was she of her husbands death she couldn\'t take life
she went mad, completely insane. She ordered everyone
in the land to come to the halls. The doors shut behind everyone.... and the queen made the gaurds kill all the men.
She thought that if she could not be with the man she loved then why should everyone else?why can they live their lives with their partener when hers had been killed and she would not see him again? But could she?

She ordered the women to the hilltop in the center of Hydlaa plazaa. Many tried to resist but she forced them to do as she said with her arcane magic. The queen
wanted the women of the town to build a tower....A tower so high it could reach the heavens!!! So the women set to work 100 days and 100 days they worked
many died. Once they had finally finished they walked to the top, all of them even the queen. But something did not go according to the queens plans. A trapdoor shut at the top of the tower. The women grouped together
and pushed the queen of the tower.  The queen landed on the spiked gate..... before she died she whispered these words \"Curse this town! forever shall my spirit plague you!.......\"

The women were overjoyed at their success they buried the fallen deep within the earth....but then a dark mist spread across the land and brought the plague of death to all the women who lived in the town........

MANY YEARS LATER.......

A group of adventurers landed on the cursed island for reasons unknown to me maybe it was for the money, the fame or maybe it was just for the archaelogical history of it all.....
My great great great grandfather Andronix
the kran journeyed with them aswell a tall Kran he was and his outerlayer of stone was the most brilliant shade of red...... YOU are the descendants of these adventurers let me tell you their story.............

Once the adventurers had landed they all climbed off.
the grass was black and the sky was red... The smell of
rotting corpses wafted through the air.
The adventurers went through the main gate the sight was terrific, skeletons were littered around the place
and some corpses that hadnt rotted yet.......
the black fog preserved them somehow.....
anyway Caddix the Ginger furred catman had very sharp eyes and he swore he saw the corpses move once or twice.
Bernif the dwarf waved away these exclamations
and said it must be a trick of the light.........
Ykesha said \"what light is.......\" but his sentence was halted by a low moaning groan.... something grabbed ahold of Andronix\'s neck and tried to break it he flipped it over and threw it where it was skewered on Ykesha\'s sword.
 Then out of nowhere millions of these grotesque figures gathered around the adventurers.
they were outnumbered a million to 1. But then a sweep of cold came across the land which made caddix\'s fur stand up on end. The zombies.... as i describe them fled to the catacombs of the sanctuary.
The huge form of a mutilated woman with a hole in her stomach appeared before them.......
\" hmmmmm........ new play things\" she whispered.......



And thats all i can think of at the moment let me know of any ideas..........

[Andrewix-the-kran]

btw the statue will come in later

[Moogie]

Sounds like a nice, original idea you have there.

To improve your writing style, you should try to structure your sentences and ideas properly. Think of the basic rules of the English language first, like the correct placement of capital letters and fullstops. This helps us to read your passages alot easier.

Spend time fleshing out the important areas of your story. For example, I assume that the adventurers are going to play a big part in the future of your story. Slow down and tells us what they look like. Who they are. What they are. And, not least of all, why they are here. It is very important to describe the reasons behind what\'s going on in your stories, or people will just feel like they are reading meaningless sentences loosly strung together by, what could be, a great storyline.

One last thing. Unless you intend for the narrator of the story to actually be in the story at some point, you should never, ever say \"I think\". When the narrator refers to himself, it means he is someone related to the story who is either thinking, or talking, about something in the past that he has witnessed in some way. It means that he is one of the characters, rather than your story being told by a non-existant entity.

For example, the story might read \"I slay the monster with my trusty sword, slicing through the flesh of its neck and watching as the lifeblood flowed freely from his spasming body.\" This is \'first person narration\'.


I hope these tips help you to improve your technique. I\'d very much like to read more of your story soon, it\'s very interesting, so keep writing!

[Andrewix-the-kran]

I have edited the first part and made some changes
I am halfway through thinking up the second part.
:-)

[Moogie]

That\'s a great improvement Andrewix! Good luck with the next chapter.

[Andrewix-the-kran]

the heroes watched as the hideous woman swooped
down upon them, suddenly she vanished without a trace.
\"what was that?\" chimed caddix
\"A plasmic entity\" said Zonor the archmage in a strangely harsh voice, because unlike his rugged appearance he was usually quite calm.
The other heroes said nothing.
\"What\'s the matter? cat got your tongue?\" laughed caddix.
\"Is it just me or did eveything go cold when she came?\"
whispered Ykesha so quietly it was almost a hiss.
\"Me no feeling so good!\" said Andronix.

.............My great great great grandfather was a bit on the dumb side of the Kran race..........

\"whatever it was we must continue.....\" this was the
first time anyone had heard Kishin the elf talk, he was silent all of the time and had only come under influence
of the high elven commander.
\"strange though it is that a giant woman with a hole in her stomach just appeared before us, I\'m anxious to see
what treasures this accursed island has!\" Said Ykesha.
\"Let us go into the Catacombs of the sanctuary!Now!\"
said Zonor
\"What on earth are you talking about! I haven\'t laid eyes on sanctuary let alone the catacombs beneath it!\"
said Ykesha.
\"Something\'s wrong here\" whispered Caddix to all but Zonor \"How could he know about a sanctuary?\"
\"Whatever it is do not refuse his request. he is a powerful Archmage something is wrong and he may use his powers on you!\" said Ykesha
\"Let us not forget the unearthly spirit that descended upon us moments ago\" droned Kishin, \"Our swords
and axes will do nothing to a spirit.\"
\"Even though she called us \'new play things\' I cannot forget the tormented expression on her face......\" siad Ykesha.
\"Catacombs! NOW!\" yelled Zonor
\"Be quiet! for fear of attracting those wretched monsters which will lead to our downfall!\" said Caddix
\"The monsters are mere trifles compared to my ultimate powers they will DIE once by my hands!\" said Zonor
\"You mean you\'ve already been here Zonor?You slew those monsters before?\" said Ykesha
\"Yes!\" Zonor replied.
\"I say to hell with the lot of ye! If we continue dawdling around here we\'ll die of starvation! I NEED SOMETHING TO EAT!\" said Bernif
\"Well said!\" commented Ykesha \"Let us go back to the ship and rest and eat!\"
So after that long discussion they all set off for the dock.
When they arrived the ship had gone.
\"WHAT! it\'s gone i\'m never going to eat at this rate\"
exclaimed Bernif.
In fact the ship had been taken by the zombies and most of them had climbed aboard now they wander the sea in search of victims and those coming into Hydlaa
but that is another story and i will cover it later...:-).
So tired and hungry by now all of our heroes went back again to the city. In search of a tavern
\"Tavern\'s always have beds and i can get some ale in me insides!\" said bernif
\" But that stuff would be hundreds of years old!\" said Caddix
\"All the better!\" Laughed Bernif.
\"..................... well fine with me if you want to poison yourself\" said Caddix
\"Don\'t worry dwarves have an iron stomach didn\'t you know that Caddix?\" said Ykesha.
\"They do indeed!\" Laughed Bernif.
\"Me want nice limestone to chomp on or some gravel be nice\" Andronix told the group.
\"Strange what Krans eat!\"exclaimed Bernif
\"You can talk!\" laughed Ykesha \"With that five hundred year old beer in your belly, you and Andronix would be quite the couple!\" laughed Ykesha
Everybody laughed except Bernif , who frowned,
and Andronix who had a clueless expression on his face
and so they searched for an inn and found one on the western side of city.
They lay down in bed and went to sleep peacefully...
Suddenly Caddix was awoken by a low droning groan
like that of a ghost.....


I know the rest of the story but i just wanna leave u all in suspense..... :-)

[Andrewix-the-kran]

I know i STILL haven\'t mentioned the statue and it WILL come later..

[Andrewix-the-kran]

\"Is that you Zonor?\" asked Caddix

[Andrewix-the-kran]

\"Yes.....\" replied Zonor in the harsh voice he had adopted recently.
\"Oh....ok I thought it might of been one of those zombies....\" replied Caddix.

[Andrewix-the-kran]

sorry about doing it in little bits like this its just i see mistakes in the previous entries and I have a habit of forgetting things when im concentrating on something so i post the entry so far and go correct it..... :-)

[Andrewix-the-kran]

\"H..e..l..p m..e!\" came the strained voice of Zonor
this time his voice was slightly less harsh like it was
before the adventure to the island.
\"What?\" asked Caddix
\"Nothing just talking to myself\" said Zonor back in that harsh voice again.
\"Somethings not right here...\" Caddix whispered to himself.
After Caddix had gone to sleep again Zonor suddenly stood up and departed.

IN THE MORNING.......

\"Me slept like a rock\" said Andronix
\"Thats because you are a rock!\" Laughed Ykesha
everyone laughed but when it subsided Caddix
noticed something.
\"Wheres Zonor?\" he asked.
\"I watched him depart in the night\" said Ykesha
\"I wonder were he went?\" said Caddix.
\"Well he\'s been so intent upon going to the catacombs
so let\'s try there!\" said Ykesha
\"Aye!\" said Bernif.
so they set off towards the sanctuary and the Catacombs beneath.
\"Fer bein\' Hundreds o\' years ol\' this place is certainly well decorated!\" Said Bernif
\"It is I wonder if that ghost lives here?\" said Caddix
\"Probably does, but ghost\'s do not usually reside near
the entrance of their abode\" Replied Ykesha.\"Let us go deeper into the sanctuary!\"
\"Aye!\" said Bernif.
Our heroes went into the next room the doors shut behind them, they were locked in!
There was only a well in the center of the room
\"so what do we do now\" asked Caddix
\"Search the room for clues to escape....\" said Kishin.
\"Look what\'s inscribed on the stone tablet here!\" exclaimed Ykesha \'Entrance to the Catacombs: Thee with the faith jump into the well and dont look back!\' \"

[Andrewix-the-kran]

\"I\'m not going in there I\'ll probably die!\" said Bernif.
\"grab on to me and you won\'t die\" said Ykesha
\"ok....\" said Bernif reluctantly.
\"Don\'t worry about me cat\'s always land on their feet\"
Caddix laughed.
\"I will go too\" said Kishin.
Thye jumped in the empty well and instead of falling to their doom like Bernif had expected, they slowed down and came to a gentle landing on a rickety wooden board connected to a narrow path next to a wall of rock.
They climbed down and went along the narrow path and after a few minutes along the path Bernif slipped and almost fell to his death when Ykesha grabbed his hand.
\"You alright Bernif?\" he asked.
The rest of the journey was uneventful when they finally reached the end of the path they found a ladder which they climbed down.
At the bottom of the ladder they met a bulky man.
\"I am Zak the immortal gaurdian to the Catacombs!\"
he said
\"Hey, have you seen an old man go past here?\"
\"I am blind and rely on my sense of hearing to gaurd this place. I have not heard anyone coming past .
If they have they were silent enough to prevent me from hearing them.\" he said.
\"Ok....\" said Ykesha \"but may we get past?\"
\"No..\" said Zak dully.
\"What must we do for you to allow us to get past?\"
\"Beat me in a duel!\" said Zak
\"But you said you are immortal!\" Exlaimed Caddix
\"Exactly! No one is allowed past unless they beat me in a duel and because I am immortal no one can do this!\" Zak laughed.
\"Hmm... He\'s blind and he looks a little slow, let us not dawdle and run past this foe!\" said Ykesha
\"I heard that! now you must die!\" Yelled Zak
The adventurers ran as fast as they could into the depths of the Catacombs Zak did not follow as it transpired he could not fit through the door to the Catacombs.
The Catacombs were like a labyrinth, they ventured into the catacombs and after hours of journeying they found a room that looked like it belonged to an alchemist
and in the center of the room was.....

\"Zonor..! What are you doing here!\" said Caddix
\"So you got past my gaurdian I told him not to let you in here, What an incompetent fool!\" Said Zonor Harshly
but then he stopped and reached out towards the adventurers and then suddenly retracted his hand
\"No! I will kill them first!\" said Zonor
\"N.....o!\" he said.
It was very strange he sounded like he was having a conversation.........with himself.
A strange light surrounded the heroes and they were all teleported ,including Zonor, to the outside of the Sanctuary in the very center of Hydlaa.
\"I....AM.....POSSESSED!\" Yelled Zonor
\"WHAT?\" the advunterers yelled
\"BY.... THE....OLd.... QUEEN....OF....THIS......LAND\"
\"SHE WILL KILL YOU!!\"
\"shut up old man!\"
Zonor started chanting a spell.
\"NO I WILL NOT LET YOU KILL THEM!\"
and with his last ounce of might he cast a spell which turned him to stone and trapped the evil essence of the queen inside him.
Both souls ,the queens and Zonors were destroyed in this stone figure.
Zonor\'s statue was placed on a pedestal and a fountain was built around him and to this day that statue is there.
All of a sudden the grass was green, the sky was blue,
and the scent of blooming flowers filled the air.
\"so what do we do now?\" asked Bernif.
\"I guess we start a life here....\" said Ykesha.
In time more ships came to the land of Hydlaa and they liked the land so much they didn\'t leave most of them settled down and had families and now Hydlaa is a peaceful place full of flowers. Or is it?

THE END

[Moogie]

Nice work Andrewix. I was expecting it to be a few chapters longer than that, I\'m suprised you finished it so quickly.

My trouble is I seem to write and write and write and end up with massive chapters... that leads to me becoming tired of writing and never finishing the story.

Anyway, are you planning on writing any more PS stories?


(On a side note: to prevent posting 2-3 times in a row, simply edit the original post and add any fixes you\'ve found. Just create some space at the end and type [Edit: blah blah blah... etc] so we know that this is an addition to the post. )

[Andrewix-the-kran]

RE:Anyway, are you planning on writing any more PS stories?

Yes I am thinking of doing a story about a ghost ship that haunts the island every night.

RE:I was expecting it to be a few chapters longer than that, I\'m suprised you finished it so quickly.  My trouble is I seem to write and write and write and end up with massive chapters... that leads to me becoming tired of writing and never finishing the story.

I do that sometimes so i have come to a habit of finishing it quickly and my endings become very short.

RE:Nice work Andrewix

Thank you ;-)