2
« on: February 28, 2002, 08:42:32 pm »
I copied all the decent info here and closed the old thread, it got out of hand...Mistwalker, please continue!
-----------------------------------
The wristwatch of doom Volume #1
----------------------------------
The elders of the great city of yliakum call a meeting.
-Elder #1: There is a great peril in our land. Is it someone named sorehon.
-Mistwalker: Sorehon? What the hell are you talking about?
-Elder#2: Yes, sarehon. He is seeking something that used to be his. It is the one wristwatch!
-Mistwalker: A what?
-Elder #1: A wristwatch of power. And you, yes you, must take this wristwatch to the one place that it can be destroyed!
-Mistwalker: Why me?
-Elder #2: Your the only one who showed up.
-Mistwalker: Damn. Where do I have to take it?
-Elder #1: You must take the wristwatch to the evil land of boremore, to the great Butte Doom, where it must be tossed into the crack of fire there!
-Mistwalker: Please don\'t say it.
-Elder #2: YES! YOU MUST HURL THE WRISTWATCH INTO THE BUTTE CRACK OF DOOM!
-Mistwalker: On my own?
-Elder #1: No, we will put you with a group of 9 people, who won\'t get along, and will be a royal pain in the ass for you, and will eventually start to kill each other in order to gain the wristwatch of power. Oh, and you will also have to avoid 9 unkillable guys dressed in black who ride small pink ponies.
-Elder #2: Your companions will be Lickanass, the Elf, Streaker, the ranger, Gimpy the dwarf, Boredtotears, the large and unsightly warrior, Marie and Flippin, the small unsighlty things smaller and uglier than dwarves, Slam Bang-gee, who smells quite a bit, and GrandAlf the light purple, who likes to eat cats.
-Mistwalker: Sounds like winners.
-Elder #1: Oh yeah. Off with you now.
-Mistwalker: Can\'t I just smash this thing with a hammer?
-Elder #2: Oh hell no, that would be to simple. Its indestuctable unless you toss it into the Butte Crack.
The Wristwatch of Doom: Episode 2
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Because of certain reasons, this plot cannot be continued in the vast underground world, so the author will now patch together some extremely flimsy plot rationalizations that puts the badly written group of 9 on the surface.
Elder #1: You, Mistwalker, will be our, uh, savior, or something.
Elder #2: Yes, and you must travel to the surface to complete this journey, as there is no possible way that a Butte Doom exists here.
Mistwalker: Well, I know we can\'t actually take the time to travel to the surface, because it would take to much time for the author to explain and would be too much work.
Elder #1: Righty ho, so GrandAlf will teleport you there, but this will be the only time he will be able to use this ability, as it is just a cop out of writing the whole journey to the surface bit.
Mistwalker: Makes sense.
Elder #2: And don\'t you find it interesting how each of us two elders somehow manage to speak in turn?
Mistwalker: Does it really matter?
Elder #1: No. Well, here are all your moro- I mean team-mates.
Mistwalker: Howdy.
The Fellowship of the Watch: (in unison) Grumble groan grumble......
GrandAlf steps forward from the rest. He is easily told apart because of his guazy purple robes and a bag of squaling cats attempting to escape, and also his braded nosehair. He raises a staff made of PVC pipe, and Shouts \"E Pluribus Unum!\" A tremendous flash of purple blinds everyone in the group, and they appear in a green pasture full of sheep.
Mistwalker: Could have been worse I suppose....
GrandAlf pops a kitten in his mouth and chews slowly.
Mistwalker: OK, now it\'s worse...
Gimpy: (above the squaling of the cat) Where do we go now?
Grandalf: (after swallowing) Ummm, we shall journey to the...(flips a coin).......East!
The group travels to the east for 20 days Until they hit an old looking forest with trees that occasionly eat passersby.
GrandAlf: We shall go through the forest!!
Mistwalker: Why don\'t we go to the south, its faster....
GrandAlf: We shall go through, because of, uh.... the reason!
Mistwalker: And what\'s the reason?
GrandAlf: I can\'t tell you.
Mistwalker: Why not?
Grandalf: Because of the reason!
Lickanass coughs a cough that sounds oddly like \"bulls***\".
Streaker: What, the same reason?
GrandAlf: No!, a much grander reason.......
Flippin: And whats that?
GrandAlf: I cannot tell you!
Streaker: And just why the hell not?
GrandAlf: Because of the-
Mistwalker: (interupting GrandAlf) Godammit, lets just go!
They start through the forest, and suddenly, and very expectedly, a tree grabs Slam Bang-gee and attempts to eat him, even though trees don\'t do that sort of thing, and it makes absolutely no sense in the plot, and would be left completely out of a movie, if one were to be made from this.
And equally suddenly and expectedly, a tall thin buck toothed guy with a shotgun jumps out and starts chanting silly things, and even more silly, the tree lets Slam go and begins to act like a tree again.
Tall thin as of yet unnamed man with a shotgun: Howdy yall, they be a\' callin\' me Tommy-Joe Bobby-Dill.
GrandAlf lifts his PVC staff and yells \"Akuna Mattata Ka Pasa!\" and the tree grabs Tommy-Joe Bobby-Dill and eats him vorasiously.
Mistwalker: Thanks.
GrandAlf: No problem.
They travel through the forest and camp just outside of its border.
Mistwalker: (over the sound of GrandAlf skinning a cat) What exactly does this wristwatch that I\'m carrying do?
Streaker: I think it ticks a fair bit...
Slam Bang-gee: (stands up after finishing humping a large rock) Do not mind him, he is dull, but he is slow......wait...
Mistwalker: Does anyone actually know what this thing does?
Various grumbles and groans pass though the group......
GrandAlf: It is the wristwatch of power! It\'s force is ineffable!
Flippin: What does that mean?
Marie: I think it means it can\'t be effed.....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Wristwatch of Doom: Episode 3
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Recap: Group sets off, meets forest, Slam Bang-gee nearly gets eaten by a tree, even though trees don\'t do that sort of thing, Guy named Tommy-Joe Bobby-Dill jumps out of woods and saves Slam, and seeing that Tommy-Joe was gonna be an extremely annoying character, GrandAlf makes a preemtive strike and has the tree eat Tommy-Joe Bobby-Dill, Mistwalker asks what the watch does, GranAlf sidesteps the question like the best of politicians and says it\'s power is ineffable.)
The group travels east and south through the lands of sillyness, and tries to avoid the nine Black riders on small pink ponies.
GandAlf: We must find the house of Nimrond, where we may rest and decide who shall carry the Wristwatch of Power to the land of Boremore...
Mistwalker: Wasn\'t I supposed to do that?
GrandAlf: Very well, you shall carry it....
Mistwalker: No, wait, I do-
GrandAld: No! It is meant to be! You must do it now! The spirits have declared themselves through your voice!
Mistwalker: Aw crap. Well, whats at Nimronds?
GrandAlf: Lots of tasty cats..... and other things too.....
Mistwalker: Thats nice, we have to face some horendous peril just to get to a place that has cats for you to eat.
GrandAlf: Yes, thats about right. I\'m almost out of cats. And to get there, we must go beyond the Oderous Mountains.
Mistwalker: Sound like a good time. Lets get it over with.
They journey to the foothills of the Oderous Mountains, and are faced with a decision...
GrandAlf: We can either go over the pass, which won\'t work, because Sorehueman\'s influence is too strong, or we can go under the mountain.
Streaker: Who is Sorehueman?
GrandAlf: He was the leader of our order, until he turned to evil, and aided Sorehon. Actually, it should have been pretty damn obvious, considering their names are almost the same...
Mistwalker: Why don\'t we go south through the gap of Ramen?
Streaker: The inhabitants of the gap are not known to be friendly...
GrandAlf: They are skilled in the art of noodlemaking, and use their skills well in battle...
Mistwalker: No, not again, please dear god no...
GrandAlf: Yes, the Ramen Noodlers. Their intent is not clear. We must go under the mountain!
Gimpy: Yes, we will go under, through the mines of Moronia! And there we will meet my brother Flailin, the easily defeated in battle!
Mistwalker: Whatever, lets just go.
They journey through the mines of Moronia, and discover that Flailin, the easily defeated in battle, was defeated in battle, probably very easily.
They camp in one of the many smelly dank disgusting caverns of the sort that dwarves like, and Flippin decides to do something stupid.
Flippin: I think I\'ll drop this rock down this hole, and absolutely nothing will happen... (sound of rock bouncing off of walls)
GrandAlf: You fool! You know, your sort tastes a lot like cats!
The group hears snare drums.
GrandAlf: Here they come.....
Mistwalker: Here what come?
Streaker: The hoards of Sorehueman! The evil creatures that are as strong as dwarves and twice as smelly...
Boredtotears: Dorc\'s!
The door crashes to the ground, and hoards of dorc\'s rush in with cries of \"Uhh!\" and \"Dur, dur!\".
Streaker: (completely nude) Farhfignuegen!
GrandAlf: My Casa Su Casa!
Boredtotears: Sprechen Sie Deutsch!!
They rush into battle and kill the dorcs, somehow do not lose any of the party, even thought there are hundreds of dorcs to only nine in the party.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Soon to come: The even worse thing that for some reason has never been discovered even though it is huge and made out of flame and smoke and is probably pretty goddam difficult to miss.
The Wristwatch of Doom: Episode 4
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The group travels through the dark damp mines of Moronia, slaying the occasional Dorc without trouble, when all of a sudden they smell a bit of smoke...
Lickanass: (whispering to Mistwalker) I think this is where GrandAlf bites it...
GrandAlf: A Bedrock!
They hear a distant \"Yabba dabba....\"
The group runs across the bridge of Damyor Dum, and only GrandAlf stays behind, holding his PVC staff high in the air.
GrandAlf: I am the weilder of the sacred lightbuld of Gonorrhea! You cannot pass!
The beast steps apon the bridge, it\'s large woden club smoldering in the dark, and muscles bulging under it\'s leapord skin clothing.
Bedrock: Yabba dabba do!
GrandAlf: You cannot pass! (removes a circlet of metal from a magical device that looks somewhat like a small green pineapple, counts to 3, and throws)
The bridge explodes with a great deal of force, and both are hurled into the abyss below. The squals of cats can be heard for a long time after the explosion...
Mistwalker: 1 down...
Lickanass: No! He cannot die! his leadership was...well, actually it was pretty bad... We\'re actually probably better off with out him. Lets just go.
The group leaves the squalid dwarven mines, and prepares to travel to Nimron\'s house.
Streaker: I will lead you now.... On to Nimronds palace!
Mistwalker: Well, thats just wonderful, we have someone who\'s battle tactic is to run naked... Oh, and you do know that Nimrond\'s house was actually BEFORE the mines of Moronia... I didn\'t mention it before because I didn\'t want GrandAlf getting more cats to eat. But since he\'s dead...
Streaker: Fine, we\'ll go to The golden forests of Stuped Morien then....
Show Posts
. 
