The Labyrinth (a parody) staring Moogie. (Done reformating. Read it again. Now.)

[Under the moon]

Scene One.
~This is sooo not happening~

Moogie sits at her computer after a hard day of...whatever she does, just coming in from outside. The day is dark and stormy, the humidity high. The wind was terrible, and the hot water just went out. The perfect conditions for a Bad Hair Day of epic proportions. And so it is. We join Moogie in mid grumble...

"Grrr, I hate my hair."

The hair doesn't answer, just sits there all in red tangles, a brush caught on one side, a random twig from a low flying branch on the other. She gives the brush one last tug in a vain attempt to fix the mess. The brush refuses to budge.

"I hate you! The girls in the stories never had bad hair days. It never goes, 'once upon time there was a Lady who had everything she wanted, except for her stupid, STUPID hair!' I should just shave you off! How would you like that??"

Again, the hair doesn't answer, apparently not listening. But there is someone who is listening. Deep in the bowels of her computer, ears prick up. For what Moogie did not realize, is that due to power surge while downloading the latest patch for PlaneShift, and the moon lining up just perfectly with the third ring of Saturn, something came alive. More than one something, in fact. Due to quantum doubling effects, and a random glitch in the magic coding, the entire character list of PS was given life, now residing magically in the copper wiring, twisted and warped. Also unknown, one of the beings grew more powerful than the others, gobbling up all the noobs and converting them to his will. He listens, for he had a secret love. He loved... Moogie's hair. Fear of baldness had started it, but it had become an infatuation. He wanted it. And all she had to do is say the right words.

"Oh, all that is great and powerful," Moogie said, raising hands above her head, "Take this snarled mess away from me!"

The listeners sigh in disappointment. Those where not the words. It didn't even start with "damnit". Moogie gives a painful jerk on the twig.

"Damnit! I wish I was a Fenki with no hair, so I didn't have to worry about bad hair days."

The listeners sit up. Those were the exact right words! What are the chances? Wind pushes the window open, rushing into the room. Voices chitter madly in the corners as the lights flicker and die. The bed throws itself against the ceiling, then crashes against the wall. Moogie shrieks. Come on, you all would if this happened to you, even the guys, give her a break. A dark shadow rises up in the center of the room, its hair a tall crown.

"Who are you, what do you want?" Moogie whimpers.

"Who I am does not matter Moogie, and I already have what I want."

The shadow holds out his hand. In it is Moogie's hair. She feels the top of her head. Smooth as a silk bowling ball.

"What did you do?!"

"You asked that you had no hair. I made you as bald as a fishbowl."

"Give it back, you git!"

"Um, no. But you can be my slave forever, combing my beautiful hair every day, talking to it, soothing it, and you get this." The figure holds out a snow globe.

"What is it?"

"It is a snow globe, nothing more, nothing less. But if you turn it this way?"

"It will show me my dreams?"

"No, it just looks pretty...see?" The figure turns it to demonstrate.

"It is kinda pretty. But let me get this straight...I will be your bald slave forever, and in return, I get a snow globe that doesn't actually do anything. Seems fair."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh. How about a cookie?"

"Are you serious?"

"No, I don't have a cookie. But I can get one!"

"Don't bother."

"Ok...um...how about I...um...turn you into...um...an...Enki?"

"Can you do that?"

"Look down."

Moogie looks down?and screams. This figure holds his ears.

"I wish you would stop doing that."

Now, if you could see Moogie, you would know why she screamed. Instead of her usual body in her usual room with her usual clothing, she is now a snow white Fenki, with a Fenki body, standing on the green grass of a wide field, complete with the standard Fenki garb texture. Which is to say, not much. She drops into a crouch, trying to cover herself.

"WHAT DID YOU DO!?" The voice is no longer Moogie's of the real world. It is now that of Moogie the Fenki, of Yliakum. And it is quite panicked.

"I granted your wish."

"I never wished for this!"

"Really?"

"Well...maybe once or twice. But that is not the point! Turn me back!"

"Sorry, only one wish per day. Guild rules. You are going to have to work for this one."

"I am not going to be your slave!"

"No, no. That was my wish. If you really want to be...you  again -with your hair- you must travel through the Stone Labyrinths to my castle beyond the Nooblin city."

"That shouldn't be so hard. We don't have very big maps yet."

"It is farther than I can possibly imagine."

"You?"

"Well...you see, I never actually traveled the whole way. I found a glitch that...er...never mind. But the point is, it is a long way, you only have thirteen hours, twenty-seven minutes, and eight and a half seconds starting...now. Oh, and I disabled Auto-run. Farwell Moogie. Such a pity."

Despite his words, the man does not do any cool fade out. He just stands there.

"Um...you're still here."

"No I'm not."

"Yes...you are."

"Well...um...my glitch doesn't seem to be working, so...if you don't mind, close your eyes. Please?"

Moogie closes her eyes. After the brief sound of running, she opens them to find the man vanished.

"Bravo...creep." I hope the sarcasm of that is not lost on any of you.

Moogie, now quite alone, stands in the field and looks around. High above is the Azure sun, and all around where the mist doesn't obscure them, are the sides of the cavern. Nearby, two huge bronze doors stand closed.

"Ah well, might as well get started."

Moogie tries to take a step but her new powerful legs and stilt-like feet toss her to the ground in a heap.

"Grrr... this is going to take some getting used to.  Hey! I have a tail! That is sooo weird!"

Indeed, a snow white tail waves from under her. The tail flicks in irritation as Moogie tries to get up, and fails. She can't help but giggle. Amused at the antics of her newfound tail, it takes a bit for her to hear the sound of coarse, out of tune humming coming from near the Bronze Doors.


[[Anyone else who wishes to be in this story, speak now or hit me with a size 14 shoe.]]

[CadRipper]

You\'re evil!
That\'s great, Under the moon, I\'m looking forward to more!

[Ashamn]

Amazing..  

[Drey]

 yes, very nice, very interesting. no one seems to want themsleve up for the same treatment though.

[Under the moon]

[[That's no problem, Drey. I have no qualms about...er...kiddnapping other's characters And maybe I am a bit evil. :evil: I just do what the voices tell me. ]]


Scene Two
~Is that your face, or did a hairy wart just talk to me?~

Moogie struggles to her feet, finaly finding the center of balance of her new body. She walks -carefully- towards the sound of the tuneless humming, every step threatening to dump her on her face again. The humming is further than first expected.

"My hearing must be better too."

But finally, she sees the source. A dwarf stands next to the doors, relieving himself on the wall. With expert precision, he finishes off what he is writing.

'Valbrandr'

Moogie clears her throat. Valbrandr jumps and turns, luckily for us all, with his trouser texture 'zipped'. Little bad compiling humor there. Don?t mind me. The dwarf is hideously ugly. The kind of ugly to make small -and large- children cry, and dogs to run for the horizon, never to be seen again.

"Oh, 'scuse me, miss. I din'a think yad be here sa soon. Too much ale."

Moogie swallows hard at the man's horrible visage, then looks at the long name on the wall.

"I can see that. You where expecting me?"

"That ah was Miss Moogie. Xordan said ya'd be har."

"That was Xordan? I thought he would be taller."

The dwarf raised what might be an eyebrow, but says nothing.

"Well, I did. So, how does this work?"

"How'es what work?"

"The doors."

"What 'bout em?"

"How do they open?"

"How'es whut open?"

"You're not helping me."

" 's not meh job."

"Then what is your job?"

"Ta answer teh right question."

"So what is the right question?"

"How do I git in the Labyrinth? Hiy, ya tricked meh!"

Moogie looks at the odd little man with a look of bafflement.

"Sooo, how do I get in the Labyrinth?"

"Ya ask meh to open the doors."

"Well, will you open the doors for me?"

The dwarf walks over and pushes the doors open. Moogie frowns.

"I could have done that much myself."

"But ya din'a think uf that now did ya?"
Moogie shakes her head, rolls her large cat eyes, and walks between the doors. It is dark inside, but she can still see.

"Cool."

Not so cool, though, is the fact that the path splits.

[[Ok, waiting on a decrepit lemur]]

[dragonfire999]

*hits under the moon with a size 14 shoe*
ill be in any story you want

[Under the moon]

*Is knocked out by the shear force of Taser\'s throw. Won\'t be posting till he wakes up.]]

[Ashamn]

Getting better each time.. Crap I can\'t stop laughing..  

[Moogie]

Wow, this just suddenly appeared and it\'s already two chapters in, and... it\'s brilliant It had me in stitches right from the very beginning with the hair ignoring my rants. Keep it up, I love it!

[Keyaz]

that was so funny it hurt  

[Under the moon]

Scene Three
~And this makes you happy how?~

Mooige steps up to the split, her way cool cat vision not giving any sign as to which is the right way.

"Sa, which way ya gun'a take?"

Moogie jumps at Valbrandr sneaking up on her, then promptly falls on her face.

"Damnit! Don't do that!"

"Be carful whutcha 'damnit' for. It may just come true."

Moogie glares at the dwarf. The dwarf glares at the dark. The Dark doesn't glare, as it is too busy thinking of more important things, and dark can't glare anyways.

"So which way would you go Valbrander?"

" 'ts Valbrandr, more uf a 'drrr' than a 'der'. An ah wonit go niether way.'

"Why not?"

"Caus thars no ale."

"You're not being any help."

"Ah all'edy said that's not meh job."

"Fine, if you are not going to help, you might as well bugger off."

The dwarf vanishes in a poof of smoke, the Bronze Doors slam shut. Moogie blinks and slowly gets to her feet.

"Did I do that?"

"No."

Moogie jumps, falling on her face again.

"Damn legs! Who said that?"

"I did, like it matters."

Moogie looks around, sagely staying seated in case someone decides to startle her again. She finds the source of the grumpy sounding voice. I seems to be the head of a very old decrepit Lemur sticking out of a small hole in the wall. A hole too small for the head to fit through. A drip of water lands on his head. She stares at the Lemur.

"Stop staring. It's rude."

A drip of water lands on his head.

"I'm sorry, but I was trying to figure out how you got your head there."

A drip of water lands on his head.

"That's rude also. Stop it."

A drip of water lands on his head.

"What is rude?"

"Trying to reason the private motivations of a person or persons-- A drip of water lands on his head, --that you have just met without proper or formal introductions. And you are still staring."

A drip of water lands on his head.
 
Moogie looks at the dark, which does'?t seem to mind staring. Due to the people she has already met, she comes to a startling conclusion, luckily, she is already sitting. She also hears drip of water land on his head.

"You must be Phinehas."

The Lemur gives a grumpy grunt. Along with the sound of a drip of water landing on his head.

"Who divulged that information to you?"

":Um, I just guessed."

Drip.

"Stop guessing, it is.."

"It's rude. I know. Is there anything that isn't rude?"

Drip.

"Going away."

Moogie looks back at the soaked lemur, her tail flicking in irritation. She resists the urge to giggle at it.

Drip.

"Now that was rude, Phinehas."

"When you get to my age, you can be as rude as you want."

Drip.

"You're only twenty-three!"

Phinehas raises his thin eyebrow.

"Your point?"

Drip.

"Never mind. Do you enjoy that?"

"What?"

Drip.

"That."

"Immensely."

"How can you like it," she pauses for a *drip*, "It would drive me nuts."

"The minds of the weak can never truly comprehend the fathomless depths of the thoughts that go through the mind of a true genius."

Drip.

"You're stuck, aren't you?"

"No, inferior cat."

Drip.

Moogie raises an eyebrow. "Really?"

":Lying is rude."

Drip.

"Phinehas, you are rude."

"Fine, I'm stuck. Now go away."

Drip.

"Can you tell me which way to go? You could be a little nice for once."

"Don't go either way."

"I already got that advice. It didn?t help."

Drip.

"But did he say to take the third path?"

Moogie looks around.

Drip.

"There isn't a third path."

"There very well is. A texture glitch is covering it. It is right over there."

Drip.

Moogie gets up -slowly- and walks to where Phinehas indicated.

Drip.

"I don't see anything."

"It is there, but you have to run through, *drip* or you will fall through the floor and go to the death realm."

"Ok, here goes?"

Moogie runs at the wall. Moogie hits the wall and bounces off. Phinehas laughs.

"Now that was funny!"

Drip.

"You ass! You lied!"

"No I didn't. You just missed the hole."

Drip.

"You are a liar. You just want to see me hit my face again."

She picks up a rock and throws it at the wall. It vanishes. Drip.

"See, I told you. Next time you will listen to me."

"I did listen to you!"

Phinehas laughs as a drip hits his head.

"I'm glad you did. That was ever so funny."

"Grr. I"m out of here. One more thing though."

Drip. Moogie walks over to Phinehas and waits. Just as the next drop is about to hit, she catches it with a wicked grin.

Phinehas- "That is cruel!"

"I know. Ta."

Moogie runs at the wall and disappears to the reverberating sound of  *drip*.


[[Isn't water torture fun? XD]]

[Under the moon]

Scene Four
~How many monks does it take to?~

Surprisingly, for once, Moogie does not fall on her face.

"I must be getting used to this."

Her tail waves with pride. She giggles at it. Tails are funny, admit it. Moogie is now in a strange part of the Labyrinth, glowing moss abounds. 'Abounds' is such a cool word. I should use it more often. The paths twist this way and that.

"Now which way?" Moogie asks the empty cave. The empty cave actually answers back.

"Which way...which way...which way?"

The answer is not all that helpful, merely tossing her words back at her. Moogie sighs, the cave sighs back. Hey, this might be fun!

"I ROXORZ!"

"I ROXORZ...I ROXORZ...I ROXORZ..."

"WHOOHOO!"

"WHOOHOO...WHOOHOO...WHOOHOO..."

"Moogie is the BEST!"

"The BEST...the BEST...the BEST..."

"Xordan sucks!"

"Xordan sucks...Xordan sucks...Xordan sucks..."

"ABOUNDS!"

"BUUUURP!"

Moogie falls on her face. Now, you may be wondering why "burp" instead of "abounds". Well, for one thing, Moogie found a bug in the echo generator and crashed the ambient sound system. Also, there happens to be someone sitting on the ground a ways down the path. He wasn't there before, and I don't think we should go into why he is now. The point is, he is there, and he is a Diaboli. Moogie instantly recognizes him from his blood red robes.

"Tybalt? Is that you?"

"Sure is, sweet stuff."

"Sweet stuff?"

"You prefer 'Honey buns' instead?"

"Nooo?"

"Hot lips? Darlin? Muffin? Princess? Sweetheart? Lovely?"

"Um...no. How about just Moogie?"

Tybalt heaves a great put upon sigh.

"As you wish my beautiful Lady Moogie."

I don't know if Enkis can blush, but if she was in her human form, Moogie would be red as her missing hair.

"Um...aren't you supposed to be blind?"

"Ah, my Lady, blindness only enhances the beauty of a blushing rose. A flower in the hand is worth ten thousand in the field."

"Tybalt, behave yourself." Another voice comes from the side. Moogie did not see him there. He wears a smart suit vaguely reminiscent of 'Star Trek'. Yes I can say 'Star Trek'.

"You could only be Monketh."

Monketh bows.

"At your service, citizen. I believe you are trying to get to the center of the Labyrinth."

Moogie- "Yes. I am. Are you two going to be a help for once."

Monketh- "Yes...and no."

Moogie- "What do you mean?"

Tybalt- "Don't be so cryptic to the pretty lady. Come, sit with me and we'll discuss your options."

Tybalt pats the ground next to him.

Moogie- "I don't think so, Tybalt. I know how you 'see'."

Monketh laughs. "You forgot to input the proper passcodes, Monk. You aren't going to get anywhere with this one."

Tybalt- "I'll tell you where to 'input' your 'passcodes' spaceboy."

Monketh- "Anyday. I shall show you how we deal with your type in the Core."

Tybalt, getting up- "Bring it, tough guy!"

Moogie- "BOYS! Don't make me ban you."

The Red Monk and Monketh freeze, knowing full well she will do it.

Together- "Sorry, Moogie."

"That's better. Now, how are you going to help, or not help me?"

They look at each other. Monketh answers.

"Well, citizen, each of us has been given the duty of protecting a portal. One leads to where you want to go, the other..."

Moogie- "Bum, bum, bum-buum. Certain death?"

Tybalt- "No, worse. RuneScape."

All three shudder.

Moogie- "Um...I don't see any portals."

Tybalt- "Behind you, gorgeous."

Moogie turns to see two glowing blue portals behind her that were not there before. She turns back to see that the two men were looking at her posterior. Now, as you know, Tybalt is blind and has an excuse, but the other...

"MONKETH!"

"Sorry Ma'am."

Moogie- "You should be!"

Tybalt- "What?s going on? If Monketh gets to look, I should be able to..."

Moogie/Monketh- "TYBALT!"

Tybalt- "A man can dream, can't he?"

Moogie- "Not about me. Now which portal?"

The men look at each other.

Monketh- "We can't tell you."

"Why not?"

Tybalt- "Because one of us is real, and the other is not."

"What?"

Monketh- "Like he said. One of us is real, but both of us believe we are guarding the right portal. You have to figure out which is which."

"You have to be kidding. Aren't I supposed to trick you. Ya know, one of you always tells the truth, the other always lies?"

Monketh- "No dice, Ma'am."

"Crap."

Tybalt- "You could always come to my place and...think...about it.?

"I don't think I need to 'think' with you. I...wait...didn't you just leave PlaneShift?"

Tybalt- "Oh crap."

Tybalt disappears in a poof of smoke, as does his portal.

Monketh- "Very well played, Miss Moogie. On your way, now. Nothing to see here."

Moogie steps into the portal, and immediately begins falling.

[[Perhaps I should slow down? But then again, I am evil today.]]

[Moogie]

Very clever, very witty, very funny. More more!

[Under the moon]

[[Very well. This one's a bit darker.  ]]

Scene Five
~Close you eyes, I just got mooned~

Moogie falls through endless darkness before she hits the ground and, and you guessed it, falls on her face, stirring up a mass of dust.

*sneeze* "I am reeeeeeeeeeealy getting tired of that." *sneeze*

She looks around, realizing she can't look around. Why? Because it is too dark even for Enkis, that's why, dear reader. Come on, keep up.

"Why is it so dark in here?" she asks the dark.

The dark answers with a man's voice.

"This is the Role-play Forum. What did you expect?"

"Well...um...could you make it a little brighter?"

The dark- "That's what I've been trying to do, if anyone noticed."

"Well?"

The dark- "Fine. I like the dark, but here you go."

The room brightens. Old dusty books line shelves that surround the room. Most of them have 'unfinished' scrawled across the bindings. At one end of the room, a rather ordinary looking fellow in a button up checkered shirt sits on what appears to be a large chair made out of books. There also seems to be a  half a dozen or more chess boards set up in front of him, odd pieces strewn over their surfaces.

The man- "Better?"

"Yes much. But Aren't you supposed to be Valbrander?"

The man moves one of the pieces. One of the books at his feet grows thicker. "That's 'drr' not 'der', Moogie. And yes, but he found some ale, and...well...you know dwarves.

Moogie- "You seem to know me, but who are you?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

The man looks behind him to the high back of the chair over his head. On it is a large blue full moon.

"Oh. So you're Under the moon. What, no character for once, Moon?"

Moon gives a one sided grin and moves another of the many pieces. The book grows thicker.

"I wouldn't say that."

"I see. So how are you supposed to help me?"

"I'm not." Moves a piece, the book grows.

"Oh come on. That's not fair."

Moon takes two pieces from a board and considers them for a moment. One is male, the other female. He puts them back down on separate boards that suddenly appear. Some pieces follow the female, but none the male. "Lotsa things aren't fair."

He moves a piece on the new board as a new book grows thicker.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm writing."

Moogie's tail flicks in irritaition.

Moon- "Nice tail."

"I?ve had quite enough of that from Tybalt, I don't need it from you."

Moon laughs. "Fair enough."

Moogie looks around the room. There is still no exit.

"Come on, not even a clue?"

"Nope."

"You have to know what's going on."

"Yup."

"Then help me."

"Sorry. Not gun'a happen."

"I am so going to ban you when I get back."

Moon grins, but then looks at his boards, not moving anything. His grin is gone as he leans back. Moogie steps closer, trying to peek at the pieces.

"What's wrong?"

"Stumped."

"I don't believe you." Moogie creeps closer.

"Nope, really stumped. Unless?"

Moon puts his hand over two of the pieces before Moogie can see what they were. She hears them tip over, and when he takes his hand away, the pieces are gone. The book doubles in size. "That hurt. You are going to hate it."

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Never mind then. Aren't you supposed to be finding your way out of here? You only have about ten hours left."

"I could if you would...hey...how did you know that?"

Moon says nothing, but reaches down behind a pile of books to move something.

"What was that?"

Moon, trying to hide a smile- "Nothing."

"You are such a liar. What was it?"

Moon reaches down again.

"Have a look."

Moogie does, and sees an empty board. "What..?" She then sees something white poking out from the hand he reached down with. "What is that?"

"Um...nothing."

"Oh ho, I don't think so. Let me see."

"No."

"You are so going to give it to me!"

Moogie leaps across the table, scattering books and pieces everywhere, and forgetting to fall on her face. Moon jumps awkwardly to the side, but Moogie pounces him, knocking him on the floor. She grabs at his hand, but he hides it under the table.

"Give it!"

"Hell no!"

Moogie kneels on his shoulders and twists his other arm behind his back.

Moon- "No fair! Enkis are too strong."

"Lotsa things aren't fair," Moogie says, trying horribly to imitate his Wisconsin accent. "Now give it up, or you'll be writing with one arm from now on."

"Ok, ok, here.?"

Moon holds out his fist. Moogie puts her paw under it.

Moon- "See'ya Moogie."

He drops something. As it hits her paw, Moon vanishes along with the rest of the room. It is replaced by an odd sort of temple in the Stone Labyrinths. Moogie is kneeling one the ground -instead of Moon's shoulders. She looks at the piece in her hand. It is that of a white Fenki.

[Drey]

you sure do write fast, without losing any of the goodness.