Hello PlaneShifters,
Over the course of the last few weeks I have come to realize many things. It has only been possible thanks to friends trying to beat sense into me, insisting that I could change, and even people whom I don't know how to classify, but that cared enough, or at least were honorable enough to tell me the truth and how they felt about me. Many red faces, tears, and mopping sessions later, I am willing to admit I have done wrong, and move on along a path that hopefully will help me fix or mitigate most of the harm I've done to people in the past.
I joined PlaneShift in June 2010 (that's 7 years now, to put you in perspective) as a happy-go-lucky person with little to no knowledge of English, enough to fend myself around the world, and not much more. During the course of the first year or two, I had slowly began to turn into something that would define me for the years to come, up until now.
I became callous, resentful, pushy, demeaning, condescending, unnecessarily mean, rude, and a long et cetera of qualificatives that turned me into a figurative and literal troll. And I say literal because the bigger my contempt grew, the further down I dug the hole in which I found myself. I looked back, and saw all the bridges I had burnt, the ones I had let rot, and all the chaos I caused among people who once cared about me.
For a very long time I let the petty stuff get to me, making a world out of every issue, blowing everything out of proportion. I became enemies with many people, and some of them either still hate me, or just don't care about me (or yes, even the game, just to avoid me) enough anymore. I looked back and they are many more than I can remember, and those I remember I don't have enough fingers in my hands to count, I'm afraid.
Finally I realized all this, remembered all the people I hurt, many of them very good people and even former friends of me, and it just became unbearable. I couldn't believe that I had done that to people that once cared so much about me, and I literally (in the figurative sense) stabbed them in the back, for no other reason than paranoia or pettiness. By addition, I also hurt the people close to those, causing even more resentment and sour feelings, and distancing myself further from people.
I'd like to come clean to all of you, and apologize. Because I've been an asshole (sorry for the strong word), petty and reckless, and for hurting so many people. I'm not asking for second chances, but I would really like to atone for my sins, whichever they might be. I know not many will want anything to do with me, but those who do are more than welcome to address me, publicly or privately, and we can talk it through. I assure you than more often than not I will be sorry that I was such a bad person to you.
Yours sincerely, Mishka
