Author Topic: Miomai's Return  (Read 813 times)

miomo

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Miomai's Return
« on: April 13, 2011, 10:04:47 pm »
So this didn't happen in game as I wanted. Best laid plans and all that. And it isn't exactly how this character acts either. Regardless, I kind of like it despite the obvious cliche.

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Who can tell what drives one man to escape Dakkru's clutches, and another to embrace it. In the case of Miomai Lashing, was it fate? She must not be allowed to return to her kor, for her twin brother Miomo must leave it to make his mark on Yliakum. Or was it more base than that, simply her desire to stay with Dakkru or her inability to find the way out?

In the end, it's all the same though. She's been in the Death Realm for over five cycles. Some say she can never return, but, where the gods are concerned, never say never.

Miomo's first taste of death was at the hands of a mad dermorian. Miomai was there to provide guidance back to Yliakum. His return was caused by a petty thief, and Miomai helped him once again. By the third time, Miomai had enough, and beseeched Dakkru to allow her to leave the Death Realm.

Miomai awoke in an unfamiliar land, having never traveled to the dome before.  The only thing she was certain of was her purpose. A singularity of motivation that coursed through her veins. This reborn Miomai was the ying to her brother's yang. He was kind, she, wicked. He was Xiosia's, she, Dakkru's. He was forgiving, but she was vengeful.

It made for a balance in the land. Miomo wanted nothing more than to bring peace to the hearts of all sentient beings. A noble and foolish goal. With Miomai among the living, karma for past misdeeds would be doled out.

Dakkru's child found herself in the middle of a gritty, open-air courtyard. It was midday. Shops aligned the edges, and enkidukai were milling about their business. A quick question in enkien and she was off to the armory of Toda Ombretis.

She wasn't satisfied with any of Toda's light leather armor, and wanted something more befitting of Dakkru's harbinger. She had the outfitter make up some custom armor which was tight-fitting and died black. It covered her from the neck down, and with her clamod fur and obsidian eyes it made her features difficult to pick out. She left the armory without paying. There'll be the head of a known thief on her doorstep by the next morning.

Her only accoutrements where a pair of daggers strapped to each thy, keeping with the color theme. In absence of a breeze, you could see a faint swirl of purple smoke floating about her body. Overall, she looked sexy and fearsome, causing appropriate strife between the hearts and minds of most menkis.

The black-clad figure made her way to Brado's tavern the broken door to get a better assessment of her surroundings. She asked for his strongest drink, knowing her physiology could handle it. She liked her new power, and wasn't afraid to show it off.

"Are you sure miss?", Brado asked incredulously.

Miomai simply nodded.

"Well, since you are a new customer, it's on the house." Brado offered, sliding the stiff drink over the counter. Miomai reached for the mug and brushed his paw with hers.

Immediately a flood of memories washed over her. Miomo was here. With a fenki.  It was difficult to focus on the flashback. Only smells and sounds were available to her, and those arrived in no particular order. She tried to pick through the vision for any piece of information that could be useful in her quest. Her eyes closed and her head started to slump forward.

"Are you alright? I don't think you should be drinking this right now," Brado said with concern in his voice.

Miomai grounded herself in the present, grabbed the mug, and downed its contents in three gulps. She dropped  the mug on the counter with a thunk and shot Brado a cold look of determination before heading back out. "Nothing of use to me here," she thought to herself.
Miomai is currently sane.

Knightspark9

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Re: Miomai's Return
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2011, 07:19:13 am »
... Now the enkidukai are trying to drink beer like dwarves... :P

Good read; something's on her mind, and it's quite interesting if you ask me.
Ardoin: So, do you drink moonshine?
Earowo: As long as it has alcohol, I'll drink it.

Tessra

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Re: Miomai's Return
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2011, 04:01:10 pm »
I think Miomai should meet Ardoin <_<

A great read, Miomo, and again, I am just amazed at how well you play the two characters.  They are so different, and both so engaging.
Also, it's more credible to others if you grow in power slowly over time.  First kill rats, then noobs, then klyros, and eventually work your way up to more powerful creatures ~ Miomai

miomo

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Re: Miomai's Return
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2011, 09:32:49 am »
Thanks for the comments. Feed back is always appreciated. I see you other readers out there taking a peek but leaving me nothing. I can't be sure I'm improving my stories without your input, and if I'm not improving my stories, I'm not improving my game. So tell me what you think, even if you think it is atrocious.

A great read, Miomo, and again, I am just amazed at how well you play the two characters.  They are so different, and both so engaging.

Thanks Tessra. I've been trying to play them both more and more, even at the same time. Doing this isn't hard in terms of switching between clients, but poses a bit of a challenge in altering my thoughts to match that of the character I'm currently playing, and making sure that I only use information that the character knows. If anyone thinks I'm not giving either character the amount of attention it's due, let me know and I'll cut back to playing them one at a time.
Miomai is currently sane.

Tessra

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Re: Miomai's Return
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2011, 03:29:26 pm »
Having been with both characters, both individually, and together, I can say you do a very good job of keeping them distinct. Miomai never ceases to crack me up.
Also, it's more credible to others if you grow in power slowly over time.  First kill rats, then noobs, then klyros, and eventually work your way up to more powerful creatures ~ Miomai

Mask

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Re: Miomai's Return
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2011, 09:09:19 am »
Thanks for the comments. Feed back is always appreciated. I see you other readers out there taking a peek but leaving me nothing. I can't be sure I'm improving my stories without your input, and if I'm not improving my stories, I'm not improving my game. So tell me what you think, even if you think it is atrocious.

What kind of feedback do you look for? Something in general? Or should I go get my /critiquemode and point out what you could do better in your writing?
It's just an idea, it might contain nonsense until proper sources are given.

First rule of programming: Documentation, Documentation, Documentation.

miomo

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Re: Miomai's Return
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2011, 09:14:12 am »
What kind of feedback do you look for? Something in general? Or should I go get my /critiquemode and point out what you could do better in your writing?

Anything you wish to say. So long it is constructive, I want to read it.
Miomai is currently sane.

Mask

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Re: Miomai's Return
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2011, 09:34:43 am »
Alright.

I think that you have good material for a story here, and that you could give it a better shape than it is now. Although this is not a writing class, there is a simple rule you could learn to improve your writing: Show, don't tell.
Don't tell us about who Miomai is, show it to us. Compare the beginning to the end of your writing here:

Quote
Who can tell what drives one man to escape Dakkru's clutches, and another to embrace it. In the case of Miomai Lashing, was it fate? She must not be allowed to return to her kor, for her twin brother Miomo must leave it to make his mark on Yliakum. Or was it more base than that, simply her desire to stay with Dakkru or her inability to find the way out?

In the end, it's all the same though. She's been in the Death Realm for over five cycles. Some say she can never return, but, where the gods are concerned, never say never.

Miomo's first taste of death was at the hands of a mad dermorian. Miomai was there to provide guidance back to Yliakum. His return was caused by a petty thief, and Miomai helped him once again. By the third time, Miomai had enough, and beseeched Dakkru to allow her to leave the Death Realm.

At the end you write:

Quote
Immediately a flood of memories washed over her. Miomo was here. With a fenki.  It was difficult to focus on the flashback. Only smells and sounds were available to her, and those arrived in no particular order. She tried to pick through the vision for any piece of information that could be useful in her quest. Her eyes closed and her head started to slump forward.

"Are you alright? I don't think you should be drinking this right now," Brado said with concern in his voice.

Miomai grounded herself in the present, grabbed the mug, and downed its contents in three gulps. She dropped  the mug on the counter with a thunk and shot Brado a cold look of determination before heading back out. "Nothing of use to me here," she thought to herself.


I understand that you try to set up a scene in the first quote, and introduce a character. But why do you tell it? Why not show us who she is? You did so, in part, in the latter quote. For someone who has never met your character in the game and therefore have a clear picture of Miomai in mind, the end is more fun to read than the beginning. In the first part of your story, you tell, in the last part of your story, you show the reader something.
There is more that could be pointed out (presentation of character, rising action/falling action and similar things), then again, this isn't a writing class ;)
It's just an idea, it might contain nonsense until proper sources are given.

First rule of programming: Documentation, Documentation, Documentation.

miomo

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Re: Miomai's Return
« Reply #8 on: April 19, 2011, 02:21:15 pm »
Thanks a lot. That is some useful information. I've heard the phrase before, but never took it into account.

The next piece I'm working on tries to compress the events of several years into a finite space, so it will be hard to show more than tell, but I will strive to reach the proper balance.
Miomai is currently sane.