Author Topic: Moogie's Story  (Read 8706 times)

Moogie

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Moogie's Story
« on: September 13, 2003, 04:42:13 pm »
Today I started and finished the first chapter of the story of the history of my character, Moogie. The title is subject to change, as soon as I think of something better. :)

The stuff I\'ve written so far may also change or be added to in the future... but for now, I\'m posting it here purely for critique and encouragment. If generally people think it\'s going well, I\'ll begin working on more chapters and story, and if not... well... I guess it ends where it started.



Moogie\'s Story  
\"Sometimes I still get the flashbacks. Those terrible images of a past I had forgotten... they\'ve never quite left me in peace...\"


Chapter 1

It all began with a blinding white light. So intense, it pierced flesh and bone and flooded her senses. She was twisting and turning in midair, her body burning, skin searing in flames and peeling from the bones underneath. She was paralysed. It was the earliest memory Moogie had of her life and the most physically painful.

The next thing she remembered was slowly coming into conciousness in a small, dark room. Moogie\'s memory was hazy; at the time, she remembered nothing, not even her own name. As she slowly roused from sleep, she became aware that she was in a soft, warm place. A heavy blanket covered all but her head and she was laying on her back, something very cold and wet resting on her forehead. The feeling of reality emerged fully as one small, icy drip of water suddenly made its way down the side of her face beneath the fur, sending a shiver through her body.

Moogie sighed and fidgeted a little in the bed, before slowly opening her big blue eyes to the room. At first, her sight was misty in the surrounding darkness, but shapes soon formed and she distinguished several mundane objects in the room. A slender, furry arm slid out from the covers and felt her head. Moogie guessed that this object was some soft of towel, soaked in cold water and placed on her head to cool a fever. Yes, she thought, she did feel slightly feverish. She decided to leave the wet piece of cloth where it was and held it steady as she lifted her head weakly and looked around. Beside her was a chest of draws, a small brass clock resting on top, ticking monotoniously to itself. She squinted at it, but could not make out the numbers and soon gave up before she brought about a headache. The walls, covered in age-worn flowery wallpaper, were peeling around the edges and gathering cobwebs in the corners. To her right, Moogie saw a small window, thick curtains drawn closed, denying the light access to this silent tomb. She guessed it must have been the middle of the night, and she rolled onto her back, fixing her eyes on the ceiling. She was not tired at all.

She lay like this for a long time. Minutes became hours. She dully noticed the tint of the room changing as dawn drew near, and before long, birds could be heard chirping outside. Through this long wait for morning, Moogie tried to remember how she got here. She had remembered her name, which was considered an achievement in her mind, but whenever she tried to assess her situation a flash of light and overwhelming pain filled her memory. She was confused and alone in this room, but in such a soft and cosy bed she could not help but be calm and listen to the clock ticking tirelessly towards the new day.

[End]


That\'s all so far... what do you think? I\'ll probably flesh it out a little more soon.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2003, 04:48:06 pm by Moogie »

kyosan

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« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2003, 09:07:53 pm »
Quote
That\'s all so far... what do you think? I\'ll probably flesh it out a little more soon.


Its like u said it ends where it started :P gimme more and then ask bout it k? :P
I\'m alone...
No one cares about me....
I\'m only a tool for other people\'s needs...
I\'m nothing....
But a slave to all....

Moogie

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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2003, 09:14:18 pm »
:P Just wanna know about my style really. I\'ve always had problems with giving too much detail to unimportant things, and not explaining things that I should have more clearly.

I\'m not very confident in my writing skills right now... :( so any feedback is appreciated.

Ayshe

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« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2003, 10:06:25 pm »
Quote
Originally posted by Mogura
:P Just wanna know about my style really. I\'ve always had problems with giving too much detail to unimportant things, and not explaining things that I should have more clearly.

I\'m not very confident in my writing skills right now... :( so any feedback is appreciated.


I like it. My problem is that I fail to talk about the details and focus on the big stuff, lending to a story that is kinda jumpy. It flowed well, it\'s nicely ambiguous and it kind of draws you in.

Well written, in my humble opinion. If you would honour us so, I would like to put the final work (I insist you finish it) in the Lair story vault.

Eager to see chapter 2

:)
The Felines Lair

Grakrim

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« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2003, 10:24:18 pm »
I like it.  I personally like the long, drawn out descriptive style, although I know it bores some people; but you have a nice balance going in this passage.

Good luck.
\" I think you should just follow Grakrim\'s advice ;)\"

\"A universe is enough for more than one opinion.\" - Maxximus

Tranor

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« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2003, 02:09:26 am »
I LOVE IT MOOGS!!! IT\'S GRRRRRRREAT!!
..:Tranor:..

Auran

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« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2003, 02:31:38 am »
How can I dislike anything you do moogie. Its great. I\'d like to give you a tip though. You should delve into minutea when they help build up the atmosphere which you have beautifully done here. There are also ceratin details that you might like to conceal depending upon the nature of the story.

Your first paragraph is very good. And the second describes a melancholy, derelict room extremely well.
But in the third before you mention dawn I think you should have made some subtle suggestion to the night or darkness previously. But by all accounts it is  a sterling performance as an amateur author and I am sure that you will make a fine one when you have grasped all the intricacies of this most wonderful of occupations.

Best of luck
I look forward tyo reading the rest of it.

- Auran

Auran. No More.
Forget you ever knew me kid.

Moogie

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« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2003, 08:43:51 am »
Wow, thanks Auran. :) I was hoping someone would do what you did there and properly analyse the text... that\'s extremely helpful.

By the way, in the third paragraph I do actually give reference to the nighttime... \"At first, her sight was misty in the surrounding darkness, but shapes soon formed and she distinguished several mundane objects in the room.\"

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Chapter 2 is almost complete, so I\'ll edit the first post to include it as soon as I can.

Auran

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« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2003, 10:10:08 am »
Oh right I musn\'t have noticed. :P

Auran. No More.
Forget you ever knew me kid.

Moogie

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« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2003, 12:04:27 pm »
Chapter 2  

Morning arrived on the surface of the world and Yliakum\'s caverns were slowly filling with light. Moogie watched the thin strips of sunshine that penetrated the room through the gap in the curtains as they travelled across the opposite wall and down, gradually, towards the floor. The young feline sat up, carefully swung her legs to the edge of the bed and sat for a second, listening to the quietness of the room. She lifted herself silently onto her feet and made her way towards the window, where she gingerly opened the curtains and let the light flood the room freely. The brightness overwhelmed her for a second and she turned away, shielding her eyes from it. However, she soon adjusted, and turned to gaze out of the window.

The view from the bedroom was uninspiring, to say the least. It seemed to overlook some kind of alley between two brick buildings. It was dark and very dirty down there, with old muddy newspapers fluttering in the wind and overflowing garbage bins lining either building wall. At the end of the alley, Moogie could see a small piece of the cobble road that ran alongside the houses and the occasional citizen who could be seen passing the alley. The grey sky above promised a day of drizzly rain. Unimpressed, she turned from the window and was startled to see a tall figure standing in the doorway of the room. She squealed and jumped back in fright; she had not heard him enter at all! However, the stranger did not react like she, instead he stood in place with a somewhat suprised expression on his face. He was an Enkidukai like herself, with short, well-groomed fur. He was a dazzling mix of white and brown, with streaks of black hair something akin to the patterns of a tiger. He was half-dressed in some sort of uniform; heavy black boots, a chestplate with a strange runic symbol in its center and large black pauldrons weighing down on his shoulders. Behind him, a thick black cloak reached towards his feet. His hands and lower arms were gloved in black leather. Moogie suddenly noticed his keen blue eyes fixed on hers, silently apologetic for startling her so. He bowed his head respectfully.

\"Oh, I am deeply sorry, my lady. I had no idea you were awake already.\" His voice was deep, but smooth. He glanced her over, as if gauging her condition, as he pulled at each heavy glove in turn and removed his paws from them. Moogie stood with her weight against the wall, one arm propping her up and keeping her balanced. She wore very little- a thin silk nightdress that reached just past her ankles, hanging by two delicate straps over her shoulders. She became aware of this as she followed his eyes down her body and grabbed the quilt from the bed, holding it up to her neck. \"Are you feeling okay? You were in a terrible state when I found you.\"

\"Who are y-you?\" Moogie demanded. She appeared flustered for having been caught with so little dressing infront of a stranger. \"Where am I? What happened? I don\'t remember anything, I-\"

\"Shh, calm down... it\'s okay.\" The male intervened. He walked forward a couple of steps, but stopped as he saw the distress in the girl\'s eyes. \"...It must have been four days ago now. I was on my routine patroll of the woodlands just north of here and...\"

\"North of here? Where is here?\" She questioned. \"Wait... tell me who you are first. What\'s your name?\" The feline raised his hands in submission.

\"Okay, okay.\" He took a deep breath to slow her down. Moogie fixed her eyes on the Enkidukai, begging impatiently for answers. \"Firstly, my name\'s Draklar. We\'re currently in the city of Hydlaa, capital of the Taladian empire. To the north there\'s a large area of forest- that\'s where I found you. Man, you were almost dead... infact, when I first saw you lying there I feared the worse.\" He explained solemnly. His eyes showed genuine concern, which eased the female somewhat, however she was still burning with questions. Before she could ask, though, a sudden wave of giddiness overcame her and she nearly toppled over, had Draklar not been there to dash forward, as he did, and grab the young Enkidukai\'s arms. He guided her to the bedside and released her gently as she sat herself down.

\"I\'m sorry... I guess I did get up a little too quickly...\" Moogie sighed.

\"It\'s okay,\" the male replied. \"You just lay yourself down here for a while and I\'ll go fetch you something to drink.\" He peered at her one last time before he stood up and made his way to the door.

\"Draklar?\" Her voice caught him just in time and he looked over his shoulder towards the bed. \"Thank you...\" She smiled weakly. He returned a warm-hearted grin before exiting the room and pulling the door shut gently.

It was only a few minutes before the feline returned with a tall glass of milk for his unwell guest. Moogie, who had been resting as instructed, sat up again at his arrival. Draklar carefully sat down on the edge of the bed and handed her the glass. She took it from him with a quiet \'thank you\' and began sipping.

\"Tell me,\" She spoke, resting the drink on her lap for a second. \"That symbol on your chest... I think I\'ve seen it somewhere before. What is this uniform...?\" Moogie looked at him questioningly. The tigerstriped male looked down proudly at his armour and touched the symbol with a hand, tracing it\'s perimeter with his paw.

\"It\'s the crest of my guild,\" He explained, a keen sparkle in his eyes. \"The Defenders. I\'m its founder, its leader. We keep trouble off the streets and assist businesses and organisations in defending themselves from attacks. We also keep the monsters out of the cities for as long as the authorities keep us paid.\" Draklar winked at the girl and smiled. Hearing this eased Moogie\'s mind further. She was in good company, if nothing else. But there was something she still did not understand. Staring at the bed, she tried to remember what had happened to her before this day, but nothing came but that same pain and flash of light that she had seen in her dream. Her worry showed on her face as she began speaking.

\"You say you found me in that forest... had I been attacked? I don\'t remember anything before this day...\" She frowned. The male leaned towards her a little, a worried expression crossing his face.

\"You remember nothing at all?\"

\"Nothing. I... I don\'t know who I am, or where I live, much less how I got to be attacked in a forest and nearly...\" Tears began welling in her eyes and she closed them, embarrassed by her weakness. She took a deep breath and sighed.

\"It\'s probably just amnesia, I\'m sure it\'ll clear up soon...\" Draklar placed a paw on Moogie\'s shoulder to comfort her. \"Don\'t let it worry you. What\'s important now is, you\'re alive, and you\'re recovering pretty quickly. Listen,\" He said, glancing at the clock. \"I have to get going, I\'ve got an important guild meeting to attend and... well you know... it\'s bad etiquette for a leader to be late for his own meetings.\" Moogie smiled at him.

\"Of course, you should go now. I think I\'ll be fine.\" Draklar bowed his head once more before getting up. He began putting his gloves on again as he left the room.

\"I\'ll be back in about two hours. I\'ll bring you some food and a change of clothes... feel free to go downstairs if you wish, I live alone here so nobody\'ll get in your way. Bye!\" He called over his shoulder. Moogie nodded to herself absently. More questions were now floating around in her head than before she had talked to this male. What was she doing in the forest alone? What had attacked her, and why did it leave her to die? Where did she even come from? No answers would come on their own and Moogie sighed again defeatedly.

The feline finished her glass of milk and held the empty container in her paws. Outside, she could hear the rain begin to fall, splashing against the windowpane.


[Edited: \"Bad etiquette\" sentence altered, didn\'t actually say what was bad etiquette for a leader. :P]

[Edited #2: Draklar\'s eyes are blue, not green!]
« Last Edit: September 14, 2003, 03:52:36 pm by Moogie »

seperot

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« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2003, 06:24:14 pm »
cool moogie i love that part it is rwaly a cliff hanger sorta thing....

**waits for part 3**

Monketh

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« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2003, 06:37:30 pm »
Cool

**Knows Gil will end up in there eventually ;) **
The key to manipulative bargaining is to ask for something twice as big as what you want, then smile and nod when you are talked down to your original wish. You are still young, my apprentice, and have much to learn in the ways of the force. -UtM

Moogie

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« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2003, 07:29:38 pm »
Quote
Originally posted by Monketh
Cool

**Knows Gil will end up in there eventually ;) **



lol, you know it. ;)


Actually I plan on having many faces making an appearance, as the situation of the story is going to get very dire and all the major guilds of the world will be joining together against the threat of destruction.

...At least, I think so. :)

(Currently I have plans for Draklar, Giladrial, Seperot, Monketh, Grakrim, Ayshe and Xenia to have more than just a passing reference in the story. I may add more or remove a couple, depending on how future chapters shape out. At first I didn\'t intend for so many people to be in the story, but now I think it\'ll make it much more interesting for you guys to read. :) )

ymrcr

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« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2003, 10:04:42 pm »
Kitties getting attack. *shiver*

Which house is Draklars?

zaphar

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« Reply #14 on: September 14, 2003, 10:27:55 pm »
Quote
Originally posted by Mogura
Quote
Originally posted by Monketh
Cool

**Knows Gil will end up in there eventually ;) **



lol, you know it. ;)


Actually I plan on having many faces making an appearance, as the situation of the story is going to get very dire and all the major guilds of the world will be joining together against the threat of destruction.

...At least, I think so. :)

(Currently I have plans for Draklar, Giladrial, Seperot, Monketh, Grakrim, Ayshe and Xenia to have more than just a passing reference in the story. I may add more or remove a couple, depending on how future chapters shape out. At first I didn\'t intend for so many people to be in the story, but now I think it\'ll make it much more interesting for you guys to read. :) )


WHAT! I\'m not in there? I\'m hurt. hehe although since in my own story I don\'t meet you till much later than this one I guess it wouldn\'t really work but still....

lol good story moogs I am enjoying it quite a bit
*Zaphar grins roguishly as he exits the post