PlaneShift
Fan Area => Roleplaying (Communitive Storywriting) => Single Author Stories => Topic started by: colonel_vanderbal on September 16, 2004, 03:07:42 am
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This is a little guild history i wrote for my guild The Champons Of Yliakum, Please let me know what you think i have many more story\'s to share if this is well resieved.
In a land far of century\'s ago there was a fair and beautiful city named Andoria, Andoria played host to the greatest warrior\'s, mage\'s and scholar\'s alike. This city of purity and peace thrived for a millennia, it knew not the pain of war, the destruction of famine nor the blight of poverty. It is written that the city was blessed by powerful spirit\'s to ward of such thing\'s and so the case may have been until one fateful frosty winter\'s day.
One blisteringly cold winter\'s day a man awoke and gazed from he\'s window, a beautiful sight the fair city was covered in a pure white blanket of snow. The man stared with awe for a moment before getting out of bed, he thought to him self \"what a perfect day\" the man continued on down the hallway to wake his son for school. But on entering the boy\'s room there was no sign of him, panic set in and the man run around the house searching from top to bottom but there was no sign of the boy, so he decided to go ask the great empower Jaarl for assistance.
The man ran as fast as he could to the city\'s great hall, but on arrival he found a great mass of the city\'s inhabitants all distraught, walling and screaming he thought that some how the news must have reached the emperor already and he had called upon the city folk to search for his son, he garbed the nearest person to him and spluttered \"why are you here, is it for my son\", the person looked up slowly obviously devastated by something and replied \"we are all here for our sons and daughters, the whole of the city\'s children where abducted last night\".
Inside the great hall the emperor Jaarl had called a meeting of the counsel to discuss how to deal with this horrible mess, the counsel consisted of the best of the best from the city, warrior\'s, mage\'s, scholar\'s, diplomats, and well respected members of the community. A problem arose when the counsel\'s member\'s could not agree on a course of action to take in these dire circumstances, day\'s and night\'s past by with no word from the emperor or his counsel, the city\'s inhabitants where quickly losing any hope of finding there children alive.
Then all of a sudden one man stood up and walked to the top of the great marble stairs leading to the hall and addressed the crowd \"I Theron shall not stand idly by while our children are n danger, I will take up arms and find our children, any who wish to join me meet me at the city gates at dawn\". Theron had taken the weight of the entire city upon his shoulder\'s and would make sure he delivered on his promise.
Dawn the next day Theron redid his equipment and left for the city\'s gates, upon arrival he found but a few men brave enough to follow him into battle most of the city\'s inhabitants thought he was fool hardy and looking to get himself killed. Theron addressed the men \"Today we do a great deed, today we find our children and bring there captures to justice, we shall not fail in this task we must not fail, ready your weapons men and move out\".
Just as Theron was about to step out the gates a tall clocked man stood in front of him \"Out of my way stranger I have an important task to perform\" said Theron, the man replied \"I wish to come with you on this valiant mission and return your city\'s children to safety\", \"But you are not a part of this city, why would you care\" said Theron, \"I am Xanthel a mage of light and bringer of good, it is my mission in life to protect other\'s and root out evil so it may be destroyed\", \"OK\" said Theron \"We could use all the help we can get especially that of a mage\".
So the men redid there supply\'s and moved on out up the trail towards the forest they found a trail that led through the mountain pass to the old Temple of Ardan, the intrepid hero\'s trekked for day upon day sleeping in the open and battling the harsh winter weather but finally they arrived at a clearing and there it stood, the battered remains of a once great and beautiful temple ravaged by war and torn apart by evil, the temple was once a place of worship for the people of Andoria know it is just a haunting memorial to a great battle between good and evil in a time far off.
The men prepared themselves for a great horror and entered the temple\'s huge battered doors with a huge creek they opened revealing nothing but dark, the dark seemed to engulf the light of there torches and they where blind to any attack the men started to panic until Xanthel stepped forward and raised his staff a bright ice blue light started filing the room. The once great prayer hall was know more resembling a rubbish pit, walls cracked and scared, table\'s and bench\'s smashed and tipped over everywhere, the statue of Ardan lying on the floor broke in two, the stench of death filled the air like a smog, bodies of priest\'s and warrior\'s lay on the floor like a carpet of flesh, this place had been desecrated beyond comprehension, it looked as though it had been spit strait from the belly of hell.
The men proceeded to search the temple for any sign of the city\'s beloved children, They came to a big solid door covered in carving\'s and embossed with gold leaf it truly was a magnificent door, know dirty and stained with the blood of innocent\'s. There where no rooms left the men knew this must be the place the children where being held. The men redid there weapons and shields and entered, they where met by a great hall with ceilings twenty foot high, immense archways and decoration upon the walls and floor fit for a king. And there he was a huge beast sitting upon a throne made of bone\'s he\'s visage was terrifying the men struggled just to set there gaze upon the Demon in front of them, he was surrounded by Flechling\'s [evil little creature\'s with haggard yet surprisingly powerful body\'s]
The Demon waved his hand and the Flechling\'s ran forward to attack the intrepid hero\'s, the fighting raged on for hour\'s men and beast fell alike, blood spraying up the wall\'s, screams filling the air, until a Eire stillness came over the room Theron looked around the room and saw that only Xanthel still stood the floor could not be seen for corpses, and the cold night air seemed to be thick with the stench of death. Theron looked across the room and saw the Demon still sitting he had enjoyed watching the battle that ensued and was sitting with an evil grin upon his face.
\"Know if your are finished killing my pet\'s, it\'s your time to perish\" the Demon shouted, he leapt from his throne and in two stride\'s he had covered the length of the hall and struck Theron with back of his hand Theron flew back and hit the wall \"You cannot face me foolish ylian I am evil incarnate HA..HA..HA..\". The two men knew they would need to work together to slay this beast so Theron jumped to he\'s feet and tried to distract the beast long enough for Xanthel to reedy a spell, it was working Xanthel had nearly finished his incantation\'s when the beast turned \"What are you doing puny mage\" the beast chuckled and ran towards Xanthel but the beast was to late he had redid his spell and cast it upon the Demon, it froze him in his tracks Theron wasted no time and lepta on the creature\'s back and thrust his long-sword through the Demon\'s skull.
Once the two men had caught there breath they walked over to the Demon\'s throne and found a hatch they pried open the lock to find all the city\'s children inside surprisingly none had been killed. So the men gathered them all together and travelled back to Andoria children in toe. When they arrived there was great rejoicing and the party lasted for a week, Xanthel and Theron where called to a meeting with the emperor Jaarl, he thanked the men for the great deed they hand done for the city and it\'s people and declared that from that day on they would be in charge of the city\'s safety so they crated a new guild of protectors The Champion\'s Of Andori.
Many year\'s later Theron and Xanthel decided it would be a good idea to start chapter\'s of the champion\'s all over the world so that all places could be as safe and well protected as Andoria, the first of these new chapter\'s was in Yliakum along time ally of Andoria, and as you well know this chapter of The Champion\'s still stand\'s today as the Champion\'s Of Yliakum.
Although Theron and Xanthel are along time past there beliefs and law\'s still live on in the heart\'s and mind\'s of champion\'s everywhere, they learnt on that day the might doe\'s not succeed over mind as mind does not succeed over might but a balance must be maintained in order to be a true champion of champion\'s
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very very very long but cool man, very nice ^^
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Yea chieftain, coooooooooool :)
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Hello all Vanderbal Ulskarfa hear just posting to encourage feedback. I would love to know al your views and possiblie suggestion\'s for improvement. Please respond i love writing story\'s and have many to share if the community wishes so.
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Gaaaah! The overused apostrophes, they hurt my grammar senses in a bloody, searing torture!
When writing the plural of a noun, DO NOT use an apostrophe.
ex. Warriors, Knights, Kings, Barons, Moddesses
When writing to describe an object owned by a group of people, place the apostrophe after the \"s\" or at the end of the word.
ex. Warriors\' Guild, the mens\' room, the lords\' money
\'mkay?
The story was okay otherwise. :tup:
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I liked your story :) The main characters end up looking really cool and strong, but maybe you should add more details. IMO it is the details that make the story real.
so feedback...What Monketh said of course :D
Also I would like to see some punctuation...Just check out this part \"The men prepared themselves for a great horror and entered the temple\'s huge battered doors with a huge creek they opened revealing nothing but dark, the dark seemed to engulf the light of there torches and they where blind to any attack the men started to panic until Xanthel stepped forward and raised his staff a bright ice blue light started filing the room.\"
Just put a dot after \"doors\" and it\'s already easier for the reader to understand.
Other than that, good story! :D You keep the right tense all the time which lots of people have problems with. If you write more, I\'ll read it...but you have to correct those mistakes ;)