PlaneShift
Fan Area => The Hydlaa Plaza => Topic started by: wormking on March 24, 2005, 03:19:22 am
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Post your jokes, riddles, etc. here! Also feal free to answer other people\'s riddles.
Key:
Page 1, Post 1. Redneck Warning Signs
Page 1, Post 2. Cybio Kingfist\'s jokes \'n riddles
Page 1, Post 6. Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
Page 1, Post 11. DaBlade\'s Joke
Page 1, Post 15. My Riddles
Page 1, Post 16. Visual Riddles
Page 1, Post 17. Illusions
Page 1, Post 18. Just some random jokes.
Page 1, Post 19. Knock-Knock Jokes
Page 2, Post 2. Dumb Blonde Jokes
Page 2, Post 4. more random jokes.
Page 2, Post 5. Lawyer Jokes
Page 2, Post 6. 24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
Page 2, Post 7. More Jokes
Redneck Warning Signs[/u]
1. You\'ve ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren\'t.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.
5. You\'ve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said, \"Come move this transmission so I
can take a bath.\"
11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as \"the day my ship came in.\"
12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14. You\'ve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from
the Governor to spare a loved one.
16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall
because of her language.
17. Someone asks, \"Where\'s your bowling bag?\" and you answer, \"She\'s at home with the kids.\"
18. Birds are attracted to your beard.
19. Your wife\'s job requires her to wear an orange vest.
20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
21. You have the local taxidermist\'s number on speed dial.
22. You\'ve ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
23. Your school fight song was \"Dueling Banjos\".
24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
25. You\'ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
31. Your mother has \"ammo\" on her Christmas list.
32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
33. You\'ve totaled every car you\'ve ever owned.
34. There are more than five McDonald\'s bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
37. You\'ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. You\'ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. You think \"taking out the trash\" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
43. You\'ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.
45. Your kids take a siphon hose to \"Show and Tell.\"
46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
47. You\'ve ever bought a used cap.
48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
50. You\'ve ever financed a tattoo.
51. You\'ve ever stolen toilet paper.
52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
58. You\'ve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
60. You go to a stock car race and don\'t need a program.
61. You\'ve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
65. You\'ve ever spray painted your girlfriend\'s name on an overpass.
66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
68. You own a denim leisure suit.
69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
71. You\'ve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
73. You have a rag for a gas cap.
74. The dog can\'t watch you eat without gagging.
75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on
your arm.
77. You\'ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge
clearance restrictions.
78. You\'ve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, \"For a good time call....\"
79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs
with beer bottles.
83. Your father executes the \"pull my finger\" trick during Christmas
dinner.
84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.
85. You\'ve ever been too drunk to fish?
86. You cut your toenails in front of company.
87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
89. Hitchhikers won\'t get in the car with you.
90. You\'ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
91. Your house doesn\'t have curtains but your truck does.
92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
93. You can spit without opening your mouth.
94. You consider \"Outdoor Life\" deep reading.
95. You call your boss \"dude\".
96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman\'s anatomy.
97. You have grease under your toenails.
98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
101. You\'ve ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
102. You\'ve ever cleaned fish in your living room.
103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute
for toilet paper.
105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wife\'s
hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
109. Your father walks you to school because you\'re both in the same
grade.
110. Your house doesn\'t have curtains but your pick-up does.
111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the \"Lube Rack\".
112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.
115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
117. Your family tree doesn\'t fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase \"turn off the paved road\".
118. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.
119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you\'re at bingo.
121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
124. You\'ve been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.
125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a
freebie at the \"House of Tattoos\".
127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.
132. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.
133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.
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Why did the zombie baby cross the road?
To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who\'s standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby\'s head can be beneath his car tires but the rest of the body is nowhere to be seen-- unless he were to turn around and notice the zombie baby body bearing down on him, coming ever closer, ready with grasping, pudgy zombie baby fingers to tear and rend at the flesh of this self-same driver who ran his head over, on the dark and rain-swept road that snakes down from the castle of the madman who\'s creating an army of zombie babies to do his dark, libidinal bidding.
RIDDLES:
David\'s father has three sons: Snap, Crackle, and _____?
Tha maker doesn\'t want it.
The buyer doesn\'t use it.
And the user doesn\'t see it.
What is it?
While on my way to St. Ives
I saw a man with 7 wives
Each wife had 7 sacks
Each sack had 7 cats
Each cat had 7 kittens
Kitten, cats, sacks, wives
How many were going to St. Ives?
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And David
no clue O.o you got me there
Only the man was going to saint ives ;)
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2nd riddle is a coffin
Edit: talking about cybio\'s riddles not mine!
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Originally posted by wormking
2nd riddle is a coffin
Or a seeing eye dog/ other blind accessory. Not as original or witty as a coffin, but it still fits the description seeing as the maker obviously doesn\'t want it if he\'s selling them.
EDIT: And number 3 is only one person. You saw them ON THE WAY to Ives, doesn\'t say if the men with wives, cats and kittens are going too :P
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some people buy themselves a coffin before they die..so they do see it and use it....much later though
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31337 Lord of The Rings
[At Bilbo\'s 111th Birthday]
Merry: \"Omg, I pwn\"
Pippin: \"Sif, I pwn\"
**Rocket goes off
Gandalf: \"Pwned!\"
Bilbo: \"This = shiz, bai foos\"
Bilbo has left the server
Frodo: \"***!?\"
[later, in Bag End]
Gandalf: \"Give teh ringz0r to Frodo\"
Bilbo: \"Sif! It r precious!\"
Gandalf: \"STFU NOOB!!!\"
Bilbo: \"ok\"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Bilbo has been kicked from The Shire
**Later
Gandalf: \"Show me teh ring, foo!\"
**Gandalf rides out, does some research, comes back
Gandalf: \"OMGZ, it R teh ring!\"
Frodo: \"***?\"
Gandalf has logged on as admin
Frodo has been kicked from The Shire
Sam has been kicked from The Shire
[At Isengard]
Gandalf: \"sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!\"
Saruman: \"Foo! U R teh noob!\"
Gandalf: \"***?!\"
Saruman: \"Sauron pwns joo!\"
Gandalf: \"Sif, I R leet\"
**Sarumon beats the **** out of Gandalf
Saruman: \"Pwned!\"
[on the road to Bree]
Merry: \"look foos, shrooms!\"
Pippin: \"Woot! Shrooms!\"
Frodo: \"Ph34r!\"
Sam: \"Shrooms!\"
Frodo: \"PH34R!1!1\"
**black rider stops, sniffs, goes past
Frodo: \"OMG, packetloss!\"
[Bree, in the Inn of the Prancing Pony]
**Frodo is drinking and dancing on a table, then slips
Frodo has left the server
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: \"OMGz, dc\'d\"
Aragorn: \"OMG, noobz\"
[at Weathertop]
Merry: \"Mmm, shrooms!\"
**MERRY IS BROADCASTING HIS IP ADDRESS!!!
Frodo: \"Foos! Ph34r teh haxorz\"
**the black riders attack
Merry: \"OMG!!!\"
Sam: \"O.M.G!!!11\"
Pippin: \"***\"
Frodo has left the server
**head nazgul stabs Frodo\'s ghost
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: \"***... hax!\"
**Aragorn lraps into the fray with a flaming brand
Aragorn: \"PH34r!!!!!!\"
Merry: \"LOLOL flamed! \"
[on the road to Rivendell]
Aragorn: \"ZOMG!Arwen!\"
**Arwen rides up
Aragorn: \"A/S/L? Wanna net secks?\"
Arwen: \"Sif! *** is up with Frodo?\"
Sam: \"teh leet Hax0r \"
Arwen: \"Firewall?\"
**Arwen rides off with Frodo, the nazgul give chase. Arwen crosses
the ford at Rivendell.
Arwen: \"PH34R!! My dad pwns urs!\"
**nazgul start to cross
Arwen: \"LOLOLOLO noobs!!1!\"
**the ford rises up and washes the nazgul away
Warning: Connection Problems Detected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
nazgul has disconnected
Arwen: \"Pwnt\"
[at the Council of Elrond]
Gimli: \"dwarves pwn!\"
Legolas: \"Sif, Elves pwn!\"
Boromir: \"OLOLOL noobs, men pwn!\"
Elrond: \"STFU tards!!1!\"
**Frodo puts the ring on the plinth
Gimili: \"Sif ring pwns all!\"
**Gimli swings his axe at it, which shatters
Elrond: \"**sigh, noob\"
[Frodo meets up with Bilbo]
Bilbo: \"OLOL, me = 10th level thief!\"
Frodo: \"OMG, u r teh pwn!\"
Bilbo: \"Do u still have teh ringz0r?\"
**Frodo shows Bilbo the One Ring
Bilbo: \"OMG u tard, I want to TK you!\"
Frodo: \"sif!\"
Bilbo: \"ph34r my mithril\"
[The Fellowship leaves Rivendell]
**Gandalf leads the fellowship through the mountains
Legolas: \"ZOMG, leet gfx!\"
Gimli: \"I R dropping frames! FFS\"
**There\'s an avalanche which threatens to knock them off the shelf
Gimli: \"Gandalf, teh draw distance is too far!1!!1\"
Gandalf: \"**Sigh. Moria?\"
Gimli votes to change map to Moria
Votes 4 of 4 required
Legolas: \"lolol Gimli, time to upgrade!\"
[The fellowship approaches the gates of Moria]
Gandalf: \"FFS, its too hard! Anyone got a walkthrough?\"
**The gates of Mordor open, but the Guardian attacks!
Frodo: \"OMG! ph34r!\"
Boromir: \"GL HF\"
Aragorn [broadsword] guardian
Legolas [arrow] guardian
Gandalf: \"gg\"
[The fellowship enters the mines of Moria]
Gimli: \"OMG!!!! PWNED!\"
**After travelling some time in the dark the Fellowship come to a
chamber with a large well
Gandalf: \"teh bookz0r has some clues!\"
**Merry knocks a skeleton in armour down the well
Gandalf: \"OMG! noob!\"
Merry: \"d\'oh\"
**The fellowship hears the ork drums
Boromir: \"***?\"
Aragorn: \"***?\"
Frodo: \"...\"
Gandalf: \"Oh ffs >.<\"
**the fellowhip shores up the doors as the orks come
Boromir: \"TEAMS FFS!\"
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Aragorn [broadsword] ork
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
ork: \"OMG! h4x!\"
Gimli: \"pwned\"!
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas: \"lol!!\"
Boromir [broadsword] ork
Gimli [axe] ork
Gimli: \"Foos!\"
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: \"ffs, wallhax!\"
**The cavetroll enters the chambers destroying the doors
Gandalf: \"Oh ffs!\"
Boromir: \"Omg, its teh boss!\"
Aragorn: \"Sif noob, we\'re not at teh end yet!\"
**Cavetroll slams Boromir and Aragorn out of the way, and then
skewers Frodo
Sam: \"OMG!\"
Gandalf: \"OMG!\"
Aragorn: \"omg, pwn!\"
**Legolas jumps on the cavetroll and shoots arrows down into its head
Legolas [arrow] cavetroll
Ork: \"OMG! PWNED!\"
Gimli: \"LOLOOLOL! noobs\"
**The fellowship then runs through Moria, chased the whole way by a
horde of orks
Boromir: \"FFS! Teams, foos!\"
**A flaming shadow starts to follow them, and the orks withdraw
Aragorn: \"Now THIS is teh boss!\"
Gandalf: \"OMG!\"
**The fellowship take to long flights of stairs that are starting to
crumble and fall. Orks shoot at them with arrows.
Legolas: \"LOL, noobs. Chex0r this out!1!\"
Legolas [arrow] ork
Legolas [arrow] ork
ork: \"AIMBOT!\"
ork: \"turn it off!\"
Legolas: \"lolol!\"
**The fellowship crosses a bridge, Gandalf stops to confront the
balrog
Gandalf: \"joo shall not pass!\"
Balrog: \"***?\"
Gandalf: \"JOO SHALL NOT PASS!\"
Balrog: \"Sif, noob\"
**Gandalf strikes the bridge with his staff, cracking it and causing
it to break under the Balrog\'s weight
Balrog: \"ZOMG! PWNED!\"
Frodo: \"OMG! Gandalf!\"
**The Balrog falls and in a last act of defiance strikes out with its
whip, entangling Gandalf
Gandalf: \"D\'oh\"
Frodo: \"OMG, joo foo!\"
Gandalf: \"fly u foos, fly!\"
**Gandalf lets go and follows the Balrog into the crevass
Gandalf has left the server
Balrog has disconnected
[After escaping Moria the fellowship finds itself in Loth Lorien]
**The fellowship rests, and in the night Frodo speaks with Galadriel
Galadriel: \"For a noob, u r teh leet!\"
Frodo: \"Sif. I don\'t want teh ringz0r. Do u want teh ringz0r?\"
Galadriel: \"******! SIF I want teh ringz0r. I have enough h4x of my
own!1\"
[The fellowship leaves Loth Lorien and sets out via river]
Saurman: \"ph34r my army of uruk hai! Go outz0r, find teh hobbitz and
pwnz0r them!\"
uruk hai: \"leet!\"
[stopping at the banks of the river, the Fellowship sets up camp]
**Frodo goes off looking for firewood, Boromir follows and confronts
him
Boromir: \"Gimmie teh ringz0r so ** hax can fight teh boss!\"
Frodo: \"Sif, foo. Punkbuster will pwn joo!\"
Boromir: \"Naw, we play on non-pb servers\"
Frodo: \"STFU noob\"
Frodo has left the server
Boromir: \"***! FRODO! Bring teh ringz0r back, faghat!\"
**A group of Uruk Hai encounter Boromir
Boromir: \"OH FFS, TEAMS!!\"
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Uruk Hai [arrow] Boromir
Boromir: \"****ing campers\"
**Aragorn comes across the battle
Aragorn: \"Boromir joo noob! ***!\"
Uruk Hai: \"Hah, pwn!\"
Aragorn [broadsword] Uruk Hai
Aragorn: \"I bring joo teh pwn!\"
**Aragorn goes to Boromir
Boromir: \"Damn lag!\"
Warning: Connection problems detected
Boromir has disconnected
Aragorn: \"FFS!\"
[Frodo returns to the bank of the river where he gets into a boat.
Sam \'sees\' him]
Sam: \"Frodo! ***! Invisibility h4x!\"
Frodo has connected to the server
Frodo: \"Sam, STFU and FOAD!\"
Sam: \"Sif!\"
Frodo: \"Oh, ffs n00b!\"
3Nd!!!!1
Regards.
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I can\'t be bothered to read the whole LOTR things right now but here\'s something else fun that Platyna reminded me of. (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v651/Banesk/catapult2.gif)
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v651/Banesk/YouCannotPass.jpg)
Something probbly inapropriate for this thread:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v651/Banesk/ohmygodspiderman.jpg)
And me on a sunday morning:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v651/Banesk/Image001.jpg)
No seriously. That is me on a sunday morning.
And the answers to the riddle were David, Coffin, One. You guys got em all right.
EDIT: Apparently the first image is shrunk so much you can\'t really see it. It\'s good though.
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Originally posted by Cybio Kingfist
And me on a sunday morning:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v651/Banesk/Image001.jpg)
No seriously. That is me on a sunday morning.
Hmmm... Sunday must really be a bad day for you...
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I hate it when people in pictures flip me off, it like, what do you have against me ?(
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Actually it\'s to nobody in particular. But I HATE it so much when people do that ^.^ V thing in pictures, with their fingers so this was more aimed at them.
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Here\'s the binary joke I posted, in ASCII :D
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him: \"Welcome Mr Gates, we\'ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You\'ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. I\'ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you\'ll be locked up forever.\" Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive colloseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill\'s delilght, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says \"I\'ll take this option.\" \"Fine,\" says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. \"That was Bill Gates!\" cried Lucifer. \"Why did you give him the best place of all!\" \"That\'s what everyone thinks\" snickered Satan. \"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn\'t!\" \"What about the PC?\" \"It\'s got Windows 95!\" laughed Satan. \"And it\'s missing three keys!\" \"Which three?\" \"Control, Alt and Delete
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Lol nice joke. And thank you for changing you thread. It was waaaaaaaaaay to wide.
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Yeah seriously, break that binary up. Table breakage is against the rules here. *searches for the reply button.*
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Okay, okay, I\'ve retranslated it to ASCII.
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Riddles
1. A \"Wise King\" devised a contest to see who would receive the Princess hand in marriage.
The Princess was put in a 50x50 foot carpeted room. Each of her four suitors were put in one corner of the room with a small box to stand on. The first one to touch the Princess hand would be the winner and become the new King.
The rules of the test were that the contestants could not walk over the carpet, cross the plane of the carpet, or hang from anything; nor could they use anything but their body and wits (i.e. no magic or telepathy, nor any items such as ladders, block and tackles, etc.).
One suitor figured out a way and married the Princess and became the new King.
How did he figure it out?
2. A 6-foot tall Magician had a water glass and was holding the glass above his head. He let it drop to the carpet without spilling a single drop of water.
How could he manage to drop the glass from a height of six feet and not spill a drop of water?
3. A babysitter came over one day to babysit 10 children. She decided to give them a snack. In a jar there were 10 cookies. She wants to give each one a cookie, but still keep one in the jar. How will she do it? (WITHOUT BREAKING ANY COOKIES-EACH CHILD HAS TO GET A WHOLE!)
4. A beggar\'s brother died, but the man who died had no brother.
How could this be?
5. A black dog stands in the middle of an intersecton in a town painted black. None of the street lights are working due to a power failure caused by a storm. A car with two broken headlights drives towards the dog but turns in time to avoid hitting him. How could the driver have seen the dog in time?
6. A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, \"If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50.\"
The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he\'ll just say he weighs more or less.
In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?
7. A bus driver was heading down a street in Colorado. He went right past a stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a \"no left turn\" sign, and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he went on the left side of the road past a cop car. Still - he didn\'t break any traffic laws. Why not?
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Visual Riddles[/u]
To answer these riddles you must find out what the picture means. Example:
(http://img234.exs.cx/img234/6456/eyedrop1dx.jpg)
This means eyedrop because the \"I\" is dropping.
Visual Riddle #1:
(http://img126.exs.cx/img126/6052/happiness5tb.jpg)
Visual Riddle #2:
(http://img234.exs.cx/img234/596/beehive6fw.jpg)
Visual Riddle #3:
(http://img126.exs.cx/img126/3029/yellowjackets8tz.jpg)
Visual Riddle #4:
(http://img126.exs.cx/img126/37/youareontime4ki.jpg)
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Illusions
Illusion #1:
(http://img183.exs.cx/img183/4306/floor0kq.jpg)
Illusion #2:
(http://img183.exs.cx/img183/6212/howmanylegs9kj.jpg)
Illusion #3:
(http://img183.exs.cx/img183/5946/saycolorwordsays3pn.jpg)
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Just some random Jokes:
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
\"Where\'s the self-help section?\"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How do you get off of a non-stop flight?
What happens if you put
a slinky on an escalator?
When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me,
\'Did you sleep good?\'
I said,
\'No, I made a few mistakes
If a mute kid swears,
should his mother
wash his hands with soap?
Do people in Australia, call the rest
of the world, \"Up Over\" ?
Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victoms?
If it\'s zero degrees outside today
and it\'s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?
Is it true cannibals don\'t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Right now I\'m having amnesia
and deja vu at the same time.
I think I\'ve forgotten this before.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, \'Hey, the sign says you\'re open 24 hours.\'
He said, \'Yes, but not in a row.\'
I knew a guy who was a clown.
When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
I have an inferiority complex.
But it\'s not a very good one.
If you are sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Do they give pilots crash courses
in flight school?
If you\'re cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you see okay?
Something\'s wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman.
Why do people drive on the Parkway and park on the driveway?
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
\"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year\".
I went to a general store.
They wouldn\'t let me buy anything specifically.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang \'Happy Birthday\'.
Can u get cornered in a circular room?
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities
are needed to make carbon paper.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won\'t run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.
If a parsley farmer loses a law suit,
do they garnish his wages?
If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don\'t know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
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Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Etta.
Etta who?
Etta Cat yesterday. It was gross.
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Dogs.
Dogs who?
No they don\'t. Dogs bark.
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to keep telling knock-knock jokes?
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the key hole and see.
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Midas.
Midas who?
Midas well relax. I\'m not going away.
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Adair.
Adair who?
Adair you to open this door!
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Nod.
Nod who?
Nod you again!
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Manuel.
Manuel who?
Manuel be sorry if you don\'t unlock this door!
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Me.
Me who?
Don\'t you know your own name?
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Dishers.
Dishers who?
Dishers me. Who is you?
Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference. Let me in.
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Personal opinion: Knock knock jokes aren\'t worth the space they take up.
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Dumb Blonde Jokes
SHE WAS SO BLONDE, THAT...
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She told someone to meet her at the corner of \"Walk\" and \"Don\'t Walk\".
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
At the bottom of the application where is says \"Sign here\", she wrote Sagittarius.
If she spoke her mind, she\'d be speechless.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.
When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, \"Look! They spelled Macy\'s wrong!\".
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said \"Concentrate\".
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Phinehas, Yes I know Knock-Knock Jokes aren\'t that great but I just post any jokes that I can find :P
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more random Jokes:
What\'s another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada,
they asked if I had any firearms with me.
I said, \'Well, what do you need?\'
Why doesn\'t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
You know how it is when
you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is?
My watch is three hours fast,
and I can\'t fix it.
So I\'m going to move to New York.
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
What do you do when you see an endangered
animal that eats only endangered plants?
One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Why is it illegal to park in a
handicapped parking space but okay
to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
Can you buy an entire chess set
in a pawn shop?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...
Eventually.
If you tell a joke on an unanswered thread, and nobody laughs, was it a joke?
How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?
Why do they use sterile needles
for lethal injections?
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I\'m good, she\'ll give me the other one next year.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
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Lawyers[/u]
Why won\'t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Three...the rest are all true.
Q: What\'s the difference between a dead lawer in the middle of the road and a dead rattlesnake in the middle of the road?
A: There is skid marks before the snake
The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator...
The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there\'s a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.
When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, \"Don\'t feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it\'s not every day we get a lawyer.\"
There was this lawyer who drove his shiny ...
There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his lawyer buddies. As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it right off.
The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying \"Are you alright, are you alright?\"
The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. \"What the hell do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus...Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!\"
Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, \"Calm down! You lawyers are so materialistic it\'s disgusting! Don\'t you know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?\"
The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said \"Oh, God, . . . my ROLEX!\"
Lawyers and Blondes, oh my!
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn\'t know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn\'t know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, \"What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?\" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, \"What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?\" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
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24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...[/b]
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: \"Shut up, ****it, all of you just shut UP!\"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of \"It\'s a Small World\" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: \"Got enough air in there?\"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go \"plink\" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: \"I\'ve got new socks on!\"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: \"Oh, no, not now, **** motion sickness!\"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler \"Chutes away!\" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says \"human head\" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce \"You\'re one of THEM!\" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers \"through\" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask \"is that your beeper?\"
17. Say \"Ding!\" at each floor.
18. Say \"I wonder what all these do\" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your \"personal space.\"
21. Announce in a demonic voice: \"I must find a more suitable host body.\"
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear \"X-Ray Specs\" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
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more jokes
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn\'t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
Do they use the fridge to warm up food in sub-zero temperatures?
\'You\'re so stupid that you looked up at the MACY\'s sign and said,\'\'Dang...they spelled YMCA wrong\'
A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. Well, I\'d like to go to Hawaii. But, I\'m afraid of flying and I don\'t like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii, says the man.
That\'s impossible! says the genie, You\'ll have to make another wish.
Ok, I want to know how to be a sucessful internet executive. says the man.
How many lanes do you want on that bridge? asks the genie.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy \'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?\' He said \'I don\'t know\'. I said \'I don\'t want your job\'.
What happens to you when you find out a blonde passed a test?
You wake up.
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can\'t hear him talk.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a women who can\'t afford her own washing machine won\'t be able to support you!
I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.