PlaneShift
Fan Area => The Hydlaa Plaza => Topic started by: snow_RAveN on March 18, 2004, 02:54:22 pm
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While in the brig of the starship i CapitanED i found some jokes written on the wall i think it was writen in blood as it was all brown and stuff
here goes one of em
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER\'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER\'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER\'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
so if you want to hear more post the jokes that you have
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Heres a stupid one to start out: What do you call a Cow that has an abortion?
Answer: Decalfinated
:P
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ok what do you call a horse with no legs?
Prime rib.
/me laughs uncontrollably* :D :D :D :D :D :D
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A skeleton walks into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop.
Heh, how far with these jokes can we go? Most the ones I know are pretty bad....
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Yah I got a few but they involve a racist word and the other a few swears if i bleep them out can i still say them? Moderators?
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A brown racing horse named Buck was a champion at the race tracks. One day, he broke his leg and cannot race anymore. He cried. After he heard the news, he strolled down to a downtown bar to have a few drinks. After he orders his scotch, the bartender looks at him and says, \"Hey horse, why the long face?\"
[I appologize for any horses I may have offended with my racist joke.]
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Ok this one is a little bad, but if raven can get away with the ass joke I should be able to get away with this one.
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he?s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, ?It looks like you blew a seal.?
?No, no,? the penguin replies, ?it?s just ice cream.?
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Hahaha...heh...heh...ok ok that one was kinda funny... :D :D
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heres \'nother 1
4 old man were discussing how Rich their sons are
the 1st old man : my son is a real estate agent his so rich that he gave a friend a free house
the 2nd old man : thats nothing my son is a stock broker
his so rich he gave his friend a sports car (audi ? )
the 3 old man : my son is a business man his so rich he gave his friend a yatch
the 4th old man hesited :my son is a gay and his ex-boyfriends gave him a house a car and a yatch ....
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Please keep the jokes in good taste... a little less of the racism and that kinda stuff, okay? :)
A little less = none, please
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An old but still extremly funny one. Swear words censored for decency\'s sake.
Three brothers walking down the street, One named F*ck, One named Sh*t and the third named Manners. F*ck pushed his brother S*it over and then ran around the corner where he ran into a Policemen.
The Policeman said \"Oi watch where you going, whats your name\"
So F*ck said \"F*ck\"
\"wheres your manners\" replied the Policeman
\"round the corner picking up Sh*t\" said F*ck
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Hmm I don\'t really know any jokes on the english languge, but let\'s try with a translation:
There were two kind of drunk guys at a bar located at the top of a skyscraper. The first one was trying to make conversation by saying \"Damn it\'s really windy out there today man\",
so the other said \"yeah tell me about it, it\'s so windy you can fly\".
1st: \"ha, yeah right!\"
2nd: \"dude it\'s true\"
So they walked out on the balcony, 2st: \"hold my bear, check this out\" the man folded his jacket so it would catch wind, then jump right from the balcony,, flow back and forth and was really having a great time, then landed on the balcony again.
\"you try now\"
the first dude did the same thing with his jacket and jumped. the second dude walked into the bar again.
Bartender \"damn, Superman, you are so mean when you are drunk\".
:D :D :D :D
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3 mice are chatting in an attic.
1st one says: Hey guys, you know, yesterday, i got stuck in a mouse-trap. But i pushed the metal thingy, got me off easily, took the cheese and went away.
so the 2nd one says: Oh well.. You know those poisoned corn grain we are given... I eat 3 or 4 every morning and i feel really good with it.
Then 3rd one says:
- Sorry guys, it\'s time, i\'ve got to go\"
So they others ask him \"Where are you going ?\"
- \"I am gonna f*ck the cat\".
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3 flies come in a restaurant.
fly1: I\'ll have some sh*t with onions.
fly2: I\'ll have some sh*t with onions too.
fly3: I\'ll have some sh*t, but without onions, so my breath won\'t stink.
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Two tomatoes were walking over a road, then it came a car and ran over one of the tomatoes, he said:
It\'s ok, ill Ketchup later!
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahha!!!!!!!!111lllololllololololololool!!!!!!!!!!1 I is teh 1337 d3w6!!!!111 we ownzor!!!!!!
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Hahaha, some black humor:
A Chechen family is sitting at the table.
Everyone is dressed in dinner clothes,
only the father is dressed in camnouflage,
with a machine gun on his shoulder.
The son asks his mother:
- Mommy, why is daddy dressed so officially,
when we are eating?
- Hush, he\'s going to the theater after dinner.
________________________
One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington\'s ghost in the White House. Bush asks: \"George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\"
\"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,\" Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. \"Tom,\" W asks, \"what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\"
\"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government,\" Jefferson advises.
Bush isn\'t sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It\'s Abraham Lincoln\'s ghost. \"Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?\" Bush asks. Abe answers: \"Go see a play.\"
______________________________
Three Texas surgeons were having lunch together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, \"I\'m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident,
I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.\"
One of the others said. \"That\'s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in a terrible accident,
I reattached them and 2 years later he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics.\"
The third surgeon said, \"You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour.
All I had left to work with was the horse\'s ass and a cowboy hat.
He\'s now President of the United States.\"
____________________________
George W. Bush is visiting a school in Florida. Little Bob stands up and says:
- Mr. President, I have two questions.
First, how come you are a president, when you didn\'t win enough votes?
And second, why do you want to bomb Iraq, when there is no apparent reason?
However, at that time the school bell rings and Bush doesn\'t answer the questions. The next month he visits the same school. Little John stands up and says:
- Mr. President, I have three questions.
First, how come you are a president, when you didn\'t win enough votes?
Second, why do you want to bomb Iraq, when there is no apparent reason?
And third, where is Bob?
______________________________
I don\'t like Bush :D .
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LOL; these jokes are funny....
I know a LOT of jokes, but I can\'t decide which to post. Also, it is 4am here(again) and I a mtoo lazy to do anything except be a dumbass. Err, keep up with good jokes. :D:D:D
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Four people are sittingin a train: A beautiful girl, a nun, a Dutch man and a German man.
The train enters a tunnel, and for some reasons the light don\'t go on, so it\'s very dark. Suddenly you hear someone slap someone else in the face. When the train exits the tunnel, the Dutch man rubs his cheek.
Well... the nun is thinking, The Dutch man probably tried to grab the girl\'s boobs, and she smacked him! That serves him right.
Well... the girl is thinking, The Dutch man probably wanted to grab my boobs when the lights were out, but accidentally made a move on the nun, so she smacked him! That serves him right.
Well... the Dutch man is thinking, The German probably tried to grab the girl\'s boobs, but accidently touched the nun, and she thought it was me and slapped me. Tough luck.
Well... the German man is thinking, this is like the best day ever! :D In the next tunnel I\'m definately going to slap the Dutchie again.
;)
PS: Up your\'s, Dyari. :D ;)
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A man holding a penguin comes up to a policeman and says. \"I found this penguin. What should I do with it?\"
\"You should take it to the zoo\" the policeman answered.
The man walks away and the next day the policeman sees the man walking with the penguin again so he asks him \"Didnt you bring it to the zoo yesterday?\"
\"Yes\" answers the man \"and tonight were going to the movies\"
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*blows dust off thread*
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny town wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God\'s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, \"Hey, don\'t you know who I am?\" The man says, \"Yep, sure do.\"
Satan says, \"Well, aren\'t you afraid of me?\" The man says, \"Nope, sure ain\'t.\"
Satan, perturbed, says, \"And why aren\'t you afraid of me?\" The man says, \"Well, I\'ve been married to your sister for 25 years.\"
:D
There\'s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, \"Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?\"
The missionary says, \"Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say \'Thank God\' to make it go and \'Amen\' to make it stop.\"
Not paying much attetion, the man says, \"Sure, ok.\"
So he gets on the horse and says, \"Thank God\" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, \"Thank God, thank God,\" and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, \"Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God\" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he\'s doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
\"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!\"
Finally he remembers, \"Amen!!\"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, \"Thank God.\"
:D
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says \"Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!\"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked \"How did you do it?\"
\"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, \"Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!\"
TALk about peace ! :D
AND this is fer you davis
This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, \"Look, I have a lot of models, but why don\'t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.\"
So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. \"How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?\" the man asks himself. \"I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,\" the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
The man is convinced this is a bad saw. \"The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,\" the man says to himself.
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man\'s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, \"Hmm, it looks fine.\"
Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, \"What\'s that noise?
( ps: i worte in proper eng so you guys can read them)
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PS: Up your\'s, Dyari. :D ;)
->
Ok.. i\'m driving trough Germany, and i see two guys working on a street.. one guy digging a hole, and the other one filling it up again.. so i walk up to them and ask: \"What are you doing? why is he filling the hole up again?\" one guy answers: \"The guy who usually puts in the cables is sick today\"
Right back at you Pogo! ;)
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Ok, here is one since everyone is doing nun jokes. :P
Three nuns were sitting on a bench, when this male stripper walked up. He stood in front of them and pulled down his pants. Two had a stroke and one couldn\'t reach. This one is kinda confusing to understand if you don\'t think straight. :rolleyes:
Well, one more. :D
A guy was traveling and saw a bar, so he thought he would stop and have a few drinks to cool off. Once inside, he saw a jar on the counter with a lot of money in it. He asked the bartender, \"What is the money in the jar for?\" Then the bartender said, \"You see that donkey outside? If you pay $100 to me to put in the jar and if you can make that donkey laugh, cry, and run away then you win all the money in the jar.\" The man thought he could do it, so he said \"Let me have a try.\" So, he gave the bartender $100 and he walked out back to the donkey. He went up to the donkey and told him some jokes. The donkey didn\'t laugh. He started hitting the donkey. The donkey wouldn\'t cry. Then, he tried scaring the donkey, but the donkey didn\'t run away. So, the man walked back inside and said, \"Wow! Now I know why there is so much money in the jar. This is impossible.\" The next day, the man came back to the bar for another shot at winning all the money, which exceeded $3,000. So, he payed another $100 and he walked out back again. The bartender watched him and saw that the man made the donkey cry, laugh, and run away. The bartender, being amazed, asked how he did it. The man said, \"First, I todl him my penis was bigger than his. That made him laugh. Secondly, I proved it to him. Which made him cry. Finally, I said that I f*cked his mom and he was next. So, he ran away.\"
Ok, those weren\'t the best, but they are the only ones i can remember the whole thing to. :P
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\"I\'m John Kerry and I approved this message last week but I don\'t approve of it now.\"
Levski, Bob had went to a Howard Dean rally, like you. Sheesh, everyone on the internet\'s a liberal. :rolleyes:
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O Lord, hear my anxious plea
Calculus is killing me
I know not of \'dx\' or \'dy\'
And probably won\'t until the day I die.
Please, Lord, help me in this hour
As I take my case to the highest power.
I care not for fame or loot
Just help me find one square root.
And Lord, please let me see
One passing mark in organic chemistry.
Oh such a thing I constantly dread
I\'d just as soon join the Marines instead.
Lord, please give me a sign
That you\'ve been listening all the time.
Please lead me out of this constant coma
And give me a shot at my diploma.
:D:D:D:D
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three guys get shipwrecked on an island and are captured by cannibals.
The canibals say wev\'e got good news and bad news.
the bad news is we are going to kill you, eat you, and make canoes out of your skin.
The good news is well let you choose how you die.
The first man say give me a gun and he shoots himself.
the second says give me a knife and cuts his throat.
the third says give me a fork.
a fork they ask and he says yeah a fork
ok they say and hand him a fork.
he begins to stab himself all over with the fork screaming the hell with your canoes.
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That was funny Ineluke...dunno why but it was :)
What do you give to a starving cannibal?
a helping hand
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3 man ware stranded in a desert, their car had broken down.
the first man says: \"we should split up the car, and each man can use his part of it to try and get out of this deseret.\"
the second man says: \"good idea, as you though of it you can choose what you want first.\"
the first man replied: \"ok, i\'ll take the wheels and some scrap metal to make a dune buggy with cloth sails.\"
the second man says: \"ok, now it\'s my turn, i\'ll take the engine so i can get the water out of it and drink it\"
then the third man who was slightly stupid says: \" i\'ll take the door\"
the first and second man look suprised: \"why do you want a door?\"
the third man replies: \"well, now i can wind the window down if it gets too hot\" ;) :D :D
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canibal jokes are fun
A canibal says goodby to his family and goes hunting. /.../ When he returns, carrying a coffin, the kid shouts from afar: \"Bah! Canned food again.\" :D
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Did you hear the one about the canibal that dumped his girlfriend?
Think about it :D