3 Sonnets 2 3 Past Loves

[Kixie]

I wrote these poems a while back, and while they may not be true sonnets I enjoy them just the same. They were very fun to write, however due to their secretive nature of being sent to my love interests, and seen by no others, they have been hidden until now. But now it has been a while since I have seen any of the women I sent these poems to. So now I wish for critique so that I get better. At writing women poetry. 

I was going to post in fan-art, but it's hardly planeshift material.

Sonnet of the sun

Yes! on this day the rays shine much brighter
Of Eve, thou shines divine beauty past her

Sun bursts forth and frolicks on crimson seas
Pulled by golden chains on Apollo's steed

From sunrise to set with pace reflecting
A race of hoofbeat never deflecting

From path precise since the borne of ages
For eons this contrast shone on sages

Taunting and jeering it's brilliant glory
But always left them with sense imploring

How long in it's glory we've basked; naught known
Dreamers leered upward and yearned to have flown

Closer to a bosom of radiance
To gaze upon maddening countenance

Like those dreamers I stare into thine eyes
With rapt, as luminescent sunlight lies

Reflecting elegant hued ebony
Much like the pitch delved by Persephone

Into hades a land naught kissed by rays
Liberally given which surfaces bathes

This caretaker documents tyrants fall
Stood witness to thousand crumbling walls

But all these events compared; trivial
When your contract to creation came null



The Siren

O siren with open ears I accept
--Madness you sing serenely from thine lips
--I implore you not cease while reminisance
----Flows like the soft notes off your crimson tongue
O temptress all the sins of flesh you kept
--You hid surreptitiously in your kiss
--That brings forth floods of your orgasmic bliss.
----Behind facades of innocence now sprung
------For the malicious traps they surely be
------I beg do not ever let me be free
--Once I searched for golden fleece far distance
----Until your glance caught sight from which I see
--That fateful day of dooms own consequence
----That stole my whole heart by love's decree

O crouching panther jet like nights dark garb
--What be your plans with my one lonely heart
--Why won't you be gentle before you part
----Your lips to reveal thine conniving fangs
O soul stealing succubi bleeding barb
--You sink under my flesh and you now carve
--Vicious tears upon my soul show what are
----Endearing affections beside sharp pains.
------Pain I forever turn another cheek
------For this be the golden fleece I once seek
--Maybe it be a taint of madness far
----Beneath my veins and in my blood so sweet
--With your poison that quickly flows with par
----Of all my crimson ready to now meet

Your kiss.
Your song.
Your embrace.
It must be love.





Traditional Poem On Valentine Day

Who art thou, angel who stands before us
voice not unlike celestial chorus
skin soft alabaster thou of course must
--be touched by hands of divine providence

Eyes similar hue of Poseidon's seas
crimson hair radiates like Pheonix' creed
of spirit magnificent doves soar free
--blissful gaze reflects on thine countenance

And now on traditional lover's day
Rhyme to capture thine likeness I now lay
a reflection of thine own brilliance; neigh!
--for no mortals words can do thee justice

[hitancrias]

My English is not good enough to fully understand the content of the poems, so I’ll only comment on ‘technical’ things. Of course it’s all a matter of taste, I simply state mine.

Most important, I’d declaim the poems to the one you wrote it for (and hand out a copy afterwards) rather then sending them by mail.

Furthermore I think a poem should rhyme, or should rhyme not, but not somewhere in between. Because every time people hear a ‘half rhyme’, they think: “hmm, that doesn’t rhymes perfectly”, which detracts from the content.

Another thing, which is not too hard to implement and might greatly improve the ‘power’ of a poem, is the use of ‘assonance’ and ‘alliterations’. Those will also ‘help’ the meter of the poem. Personally I think you should aim for a ‘iambic meter’, if you keep writing is such a classical style. (see wikipedia if you’re not familiar with those terms)

Thanks for posting your poems. I hope my little comments can be of any help. Good luck with future writings of ‘women poetry’.

[Kixie]

My English is not good enough to fully understand the content of the poems, so I’ll only comment on ‘technical’ things. Of course it’s all a matter of taste, I simply state mine.

Most important, I’d declaim the poems to the one you wrote it for (and hand out a copy afterwards) rather then sending them by mail.

Furthermore I think a poem should rhyme, or should rhyme not, but not somewhere in between. Because every time people hear a ‘half rhyme’, they think: “hmm, that doesn’t rhymes perfectly”, which detracts from the content.

Another thing, which is not too hard to implement and might greatly improve the ‘power’ of a poem, is the use of ‘assonance’ and ‘alliterations’. Those will also ‘help’ the meter of the poem. Personally I think you should aim for a ‘iambic meter’, if you keep writing is such a classical style. (see wikipedia if you’re not familiar with those terms)

Thanks for posting your poems. I hope my little comments can be of any help. Good luck with future writings of ‘women poetry’.

Funny actually. All 3 of those rhyme, use alliteration and use Iambic Pentameter. 

[hitancrias]

If you say so... 

I'm glad you appreciated my comments.