I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!

[bilbous]

Since this got bumped I thought I'd make a few points.

First let me point out a couple errors in the text, a typo "He was a succes and a failure." Success needs another s. "The fourth presence was filled with fear." should be "the fifth presence" because you say there are 5 presences and four are confident then that line. Not a big deal but I thought you might like to correct them.

I am not really qualified to speak to the merits of your story as prose but I will try to oblige your request for critiquing.

I felt it was a fair start but that it needed polishing to make it more than amateur quality but it is not bad for a rough draft which you acknowledge it to be. As far as I can see you have only edited it for format and not content, at least that is what you seem to say so I don't think this is unfair.

I suspect this is one of the posts I was pointed at when we had a little disagreement last month.

So what did I learn about you. Your character has an innate aptitude for magic. He is enfeebled although I could not discern if this was through disease or some past magic experiment that taught him to be more cautious. He does not believe he is worthy of love and will not allow any to get close. He thinks he has a special connection with the tavern owner, a man whose business relies on making people think he likes them. He is a gynophillic misanthropist, if I may coin a term, in that he wouldn't care if some helpless man was relieved of his goods and his life but god forbid it should happen to a woman that she is rudely abused before she was left to whatever fate held for her, not necessarily death. Whether or not he knows it his only reason for living is an endless quest for power. He thinks that it is a fascination with the intricacies of magic but he has been seduced by the forces he thinks he can contain. He has forgone the elements he thinks represent good and evil and focused on those that represent chaos and entropy. Chaos cannot ultimately be controlled and entropy leads to stasis. Where he will end up is anyones guess but I suspect it will not be pretty.

Perhaps you will see this as an attack but it is not intended as such. I would have liked to critique the structural elements of your story but as I said I am not qualified. Instead I have offered something of a character study. I am not really qualified for that either but at least I have read enough fiction to at least make a stab at it.

I hope you will take this in the spirit it is offered. My reading is based purely on this story and it may be that nuances that went unnoticed are addressed in other works. It may also have been that it was not a particularly typical event in his life as you state in the setup that it was a bad day for him and thus he may have been acting out of character as we all do sometimes.

[Phinehas]

You're right, it's a rough draft, and I don't see the point in changing that a year or two later.

Anyway, you're right, it still is amateur. That bothers me extensively. I think that I'm good enough at writing to know that I'm doing something wrong, but not good enough to fix it.

As for your character study, it's actuallly fairly accurate. There are a few mistakes probably due to this having been the only story you read. Also, you seem to have a fairly negative opinion of Phinehas' ability to view his motives and nuances objectively. Although that's definitely true, I'm not sure it's quite as black as you paint it. I think a lot of it comes from him trying to be calloused and cynical, but not being able to help the fact that every once in a while a bit of humanity shows through. Anyway, if you want, I can dissect and enlighten your character study, but only if you want.

One major thing I need to point out, though: You seem to think that Tybalt is the tavern owner. He's not. Kada was at the time. So when he speaks of Tybalt, he is actually speaking of a close friend, not of some bartender.

All in all, though, I'm very impressed. Although I know, and always will know, Phinehas better than anyone, you've done a better job than I probably could at diagnosing his various personality quirks. Bravo. I do so love good analysis.

edit: On a less serious note: Did you enjoy the read?

[bilbous]

You're right, it's a rough draft, and I don't see the point in changing that a year or two later.

Professional writers apparently do this all the time if they think the idea deserves the effort. Sometimes you get an idea that you are not capable of properly treating at the time so they go back when their craft has matured.

Anyway, you're right, it still is amateur. That bothers me extensively. I think that I'm good enough at writing to know that I'm doing something wrong, but not good enough to fix it.

It is only by trying to fix it that you will discover what works and what doesn't. You may need to revise it 50 times before you are really satisfied with it, from what i have read of authors comments, you may never be satisfied with it. Often the only way they know if it is done is if a publisher buys it.

As for your character study, it's actuallly fairly accurate. There are a few mistakes probably due to this having been the only story you read. Also, you seem to have a fairly negative opinion of Phinehas' ability to view his motives and nuances objectively. Although that's definitely true, I'm not sure it's quite as black as you paint it. I think a lot of it comes from him trying to be calloused and cynical, but not being able to help the fact that every once in a while a bit of humanity shows through. Anyway, if you want, I can dissect and enlighten your character study, but only if you want.

If you would like to do this feel free.

One major thing I need to point out, though: You seem to think that Tybalt is the tavern owner. He's not. Kada was at the time. So when he speaks of Tybalt, he is actually speaking of a close friend, not of some bartender.

"going in when he wasn't at his best and trying to be sociable for Kada's sake," indicates to me that he is making an extraordinary effort to be considerate to someone for whom he has no connection.

All in all, though, I'm very impressed. Although I know, and always will know, Phinehas better than anyone, you've done a better job than I probably could at diagnosing his various personality quirks. Bravo. I do so love good analysis.

edit: On a less serious note: Did you enjoy the read?

You know, it was ok but it didn't really grab me. I did manage to finish it and make some (hopefully) helpful comments which is more than I can say for some things I have read from established authors. I tend to like authors like Philip K. Dick whose characters are rather ordinary but go through extraordinary events. I don't actually do much reading these days, at least not fiction, and my tastes in that have changed somewhat since I was younger.

[eldoth_terevan]

I read this about five times before I decided that it gets great marks for character development. Phinehas as a character is much more real to me after reading that. You do have the trick of making the reader sympathize with the character.

[Phinehas]

Thanks Eldoth. Glad you liked it. Five times? I'm re-readable!

[Parallo]

I'm thinking of writing a fantasy novel.

Well keep us posted about it!

[Dilphemor]

And Dilphemor, you wouldn't like Phinehas IC. Nobody does...

Perhaps not, but it would be interesting either way. 

[bilbous]

And Dilphemor, you wouldn't like Phinehas IC. Nobody does...

I'm just curious here. Is this more "by definition" than "statement of fact"?  What I mean is I don't see anyone saying they don't like you although certainly some of the posters are overtly hostile.  That could just have to do with your bluntness and their sensitivity. I suppose they can be thought to not like you. Others merely disagree with your ideas from time to time but do not display any real animosity. I would think that if these people "didn't like you" they would just ignore you. I do not think you get ignored very often. Does someone have to be actively pro-Phinehas to be your friend or can they be your friend while thinking you are full of it half the time?

Certainly if "nobody likes me" and "have no friends" are by definition there is no point in complaining that nobody likes you and you have no friends which is what the continual repetition appears to be.

I got nothing against you, I'm just trying to understand better. If "nobody likes me" and "has no friends" are by definition, I'll try not to like you so much and become your worst enemy (I'm sure that position is already taken, just let me know who to bump off.)   

[Phinehas]

I think of it sort of as "statement of fact" with a touch of "by definition". Let's put it this way, for Phinehas to consider you his friend there has to be more than just an acquaintance. A friend has to be someone who is willing to put up with all his idiosyncracies, and stick by no matter what. Right now Phinehas has about two friends that I can name off the top of my head. Tybalt was the closest friend Phinehas ever had, and yet he spent most of his time teasing and/or ignoring Phinehas' repeated rantings and ravings and general mood swings. That's why they got along. Tybalt knew that deep down inside Phinehas loved him dearly and so he knew that he could safely ignore Phinehas when necessary without it damaging their relationship.

I'm not saying that Phinehas would never harm anyone. Far from it. I'm saying that you have to be dedicated to become a friend of Phinehas, but once you're in, you're in forever. However, few have the patience to put up with Phinehas long enough to get to know him. Also, there are other issues too. For instance, although Phinehas will good-naturedly(in his own way) put up with condescension from a close friend, he will not put up with it in an acquaintance. Condescension is only accepted if there is a firm base of mutual respect laid down first.

I think I'm getting off track now. Le tme know how much I answered your question and how much I didn't. Also, this is Phinehas the way I RP him in-game or in RP-oriented forums. In the other forums I don't RP Phinehas so much as maintain a certain portrayal myself that corresponds with the way Phinehas is RPed in-game. So it depends exactly what you're talking about...

After re-reading your post, I thought about what you said about the forums. I'm not saying I'm public enemy #1, but I'm saying that probably 75% of the people on the forums get a bad taste in their mouth when my name is mentioned.

[bilbous]

Well it sort of sounds like you are saying "I set out to do this thang and it is working just how I planned it"
If that is the case then your bad rep is as much your doing as anyone else's. If you want it to ease up a little perhaps you should stop mentioning it. The way I see it this would cut your "bad press" in half.

Oh and I am not afraid of you because unlike those poor Krans you trashed so easily, I have maximally trained my anti-magic and am certain I will be able to withstand your worst or at least escape while you are still working it up.
By the way you didn't tell me who to bump off, could it be you do not want an ulber arch-enemy?

[Phinehas]

No, simply an oversight on my part. Hmm... well, I would have said Druke, but he's gone as it is... Hard to say... I don't believe I have an arch-nemesis. There are so few worthy nemeses wandering about these days...

As for me blowing my own negative trumpet, it's true in some ways, I suppose. Problem is, however, that I only started mentioning that recently when I realized that it was true. Therefore it's not all my own doing. It's just that everywhere I turn I find people resenting me due to their own insecurity.

[bilbous]

Well I did tell a lot of people I started life as an ulbernaut...

[Phinehas]

...

And they believed you?

[bilbous]

You would have to ask them. It was quite a tale of Kran origins that got more involved with each retelling. Then I got bored with it and stopped telling it. It had to do with a rogue Ulbernaut wandering far from their normal territory, high up into the mountains (or what passes for mountains within the stala[ctite|gmite], whichever it is coming finally to rest in a cavern where he passed into a deep slumber while a magical liquid dripped on his head. After about a thousand years he woke up transformed into a Kran having been completely encrusted by the dripping liquid in much the same way as stalagmites and stalactites are formed. This tale could very well have been the origin of the Kran as the actual means used by the god who created them but with the advent of the Gemmation explanation of Kran reproduction this story just kind of went out the door.

It wasn't the believing that was important, it was the listening. Belief was just a benefit but most of the time I was telling it I suggested it was just a tall tale by means of barely suppressed snorts and poorly concealed grins. As with anything I do it got better until it was as good as I could make it then it went downhill from there. This was not a particularly good retelling although it got most of the elements mentioned. It is kind of too bad I did not keep a log of the best retelling but that is life.