The Shadow Within [Allena Dameran]

[Ascomanni]

[Allena Dameran has a history of abuse and self-destructive thoughts. May not suitable for all audiences]

The Shadow Within
Ascomanni

For my new friends that took me in and showed me the way. Thank you

The Girl in the Study

“But she is just a girl!” said Heilda Dameran

“You cannot protect her forever, Heilda. She is going to have to start sooner or later” was the cold response from Saumur, her husband.

“Since when is letting a child have, oh, a childhood qualify as protecting her! Her brother hasn’t even started what you are proposing and he is ten cycles older!” Heilda’s voice was growing louder.

“Heilda, please calm down. You’ll wake the children. You know as well as I that Allena is not Larnunta. She requires different expectations. She is remarkably perceptive for her age. Now is the time to cultivate her unique gifts”

Allena could not see her parents from her hiding spot in the false back of the bookshelf in her father’s study. She imagined him sitting regally in his red leather sitting chair with his right leg folded over his left calmly swirling his Charmflower tea in between sips. Her mother she knew better and it could hardly be called a guess. Allena saw her standing over her husband glaring at him, vainly attempting to get him to bend to her will.

It was Saumur that spoke to break the loaming silence, “She may be our child, but our little Allena will belong to the whole community if not all of Yliakum.”

“But she is 7 cycles!”

“And can already read better than her brother. She can understand things logically. She absorbs everything we tell her like a sponge. It only takes her once to learn what we have to show her. She is functioning at a level at least twice if not three times her age. We cannot hold her back, Heilda. If we do, we do a disservice not only to her, but to everyone.”

“…I just want what is best for her, Saum”

“As do I. As do I”

Allena heard the heavy footsteps of her mother leave the room.  She quietly sat in her small hiding space listening intently. After a few minutes she heard a quite sigh and the much softer footsteps of her father follow. She sat smiling to herself. She didn’t really care what her parents she talking about, she just liked listening in when they didn’t know she was there. She knew what they were talking about.

Quickly her smile turned to a frown. They were fighting again. The realization swept over her like a tidal wave. They were fighting over her. It was her fault.

 Allena tried her hardest to get this thought out of her head, but it would not leave. Sudden the false backing in the bookshelf felt very small.  Allena pushed against the wall with all her weight and pried the siding away and slipped out.

Allena felt the tears starting to roll from her eyes and felt relieved to be out of her hiding place. The study dark but the faint glow of ambient light was welcome to her; the air felt open and cool. Allena crawled slowly to the middle of the room.  Reaching before her she found what she sought:  a deep blue rug. She pulled herself on top of the rug and laid on her back to silently cry in the dark.

She tried to force her thoughts elsewhere. Allena ran her hands across the surface of the exotic rug. She loved the feeling of the weave. She loved loosing herself tracking the pattern within the rug. It was just so different then the wooden floors of her home.  She recalled her father saying that it came from some place called The Dome. Some day she would travel there and bring one home for her father. Then he would be proud of her.

Allena nodded to herself trying to be strong. If she could find some way to make her parents proud of her then they would stop fighting. If she could make them happy then everything would be better. Once everything was better then maybe she could be just like her father and help people. That was all she wanted. Why did it have to be so hard? Allena rolled onto her side and pulled her knees against her chest and began to tremble. Her father would never cry. She had to be strong.

“Why do they have to fight over me?” she quietly pleaded aloud.  Despite herself, the small girl began to weep. “Why?”

The darkness did not answer.

[Mariana Xiechai]

Love the descriptiveness in this. Keep it up! 

[Ascomanni]

Herbs, Not Flowers

Allena was making a habit of being where she wasn’t supposed to be. It was not malicious; she just liked the idea of breaking the rules after constantly being told how great she was going to be.  It made her feel free after all of the guidance and pressure, pushing and prodding. At that moment Allena found herself in her father’s workroom. She had no idea why the workroom was off limits. This was where father helped people. Why couldn’t she see it?
 
Allena shook her head.  None of that matter anymore. She was there. Allena smiled and poked her head out of the door one last time to look down the hallway to check for her parents or Larntuna. The hall was clear and Allena pulled the door closed quietly behind her.
 
She turned and tip-toed into the room taking the forbidden room in truly for the first time.  Her first impression was that it was incredibly small. There was remarkably little room to move around with counters and cupboards lining all four walls and a large oak table in the center. The room was filled with all manner of things, vials, containers, papers, pants and the like but the space was not mess. Everything was orderly; everything had its place and was straightened with care. The room was immaculately clean. Allena felt dirty being inside this place as she made her patrol. She felt as if her mere presence was contaminating something grand.
 
A small part of her wanted to leave the sanctity of this place, but the greater part, the part that won the internal conflict was her curiosity. After circling the table she decided to climb up to get a better look at the countertops. Allena found a counter with drawers and slide them out to make crude and impromptu stairs. With great care, she made her way up.

Once there she saw the large buckets filled with water and above her a rope with bundles of plants hanging from it. Allena reached up and gently touched some of these hanging plants. They were brittle and crumbled at her touch. As the flakes of the leaves drifted downward, Allena had a stab of panic. Surely her father would notice this. She tracked the pieces as they fell into the buckets of water and slowly reached into the water to mix the dried pieces into it.

As she did this, she realized the buckets were filled with the same plant. The wet counterparts were thick and felt almost oily. Turning the contents of the bucket was a chore and Allena could feel the strain in her shoulder. As the last of the dried flakes disappeared into the bucket’s depths, she recognized she had seen this plant before… but where?

Allena stood over the bucket and watched the water and the large green leaves continue to swirl. The momentum began to slow and she continued to search her mind for the answer. One of the leaves made its way to the top of the water and slowly turned. As the leaf rotated, something clicked. It was in one of her father’s books in his study. Kingsfoil. It was Kingsfoil.

She smiled broadly as the motion in the bucket came to a standstill. Suddenly Allena did not feel so foreign in the room. She felt a level of belonging that made her radiate with pride and looked around the room once more with new eyes. Her father’s workroom was not small. It was compact. Everything was close at hand for the ease of work.  Allena looked across the room and eyed the assortment of tools and began to imagine their possible uses. She gazed at the table and saw groves cut into the surface. Were those straps one the edges?

As she tried to guess the purpose for those, she heard the faint rhythmic steps coming from the hall. Worse yet, they were her father’s. Or Larntuna’s. He was starting to become more like father, even down to the way he walked. Regardless, it was time to leave. As she began her decent she realized that she had no sense of panic that she should have. There was something different about this place. It released a calming aura that had deeply affected her since her feeling of belonging. She carefully closed the drawers one at a time and listened to the footfalls outside. They were getting closer. With careful haste, Allena closed the third and final drawer and with deliberate speed moved to the door normally used for admitting people from outside their home. She reached up and pulled the simple latch and stepped through the archway.

As she left, Allena felt her worry and concern spike. What was she doing? She was nearly caught! Quickly she sprinted around the house. She needed an alibi.

She snuck into the kitchen and grabbed the picnic basket that her mother often let her use to run errands and quickly departed the house and made her way to the road. She ran as fast as her legs would carry her looking back all the while at the house to see if anyone might have seen.

Abruptly she struck something firm with some give that move with her momentum. Allena found herself sitting on the dirt road shaking her head. She opened her eyes and looked up to see the constable peering down at her with a smile.

“Well if it isn’t the little Dameran girl… Allena, right?” asked the constable. “I hear you are going to be quite the young lady.”  He wore a bright red uniform with simple wooden buttons rising up the center of the shirt with the town’s crest, a carp breaching the water on a green field. “Are you alright?”

“Ye-yes, sir” replied Allena in response to both questions. She had a sudden flash of panic. What if he knew what she had been doing? What if he was on his way to tell her father? No. No, that was foolish. She had just left. There was no way for him to know. She needed to remain calm. “I am sorry sir. I didn’t see you there.”

“Oh, do not worry little one.” The constable bent down and lifted Allena to her feet with one arm and gathered the spilt basket with the other. “No harm, no foul. Just be careful and watch where you are headed.” He smiled to her and returned the basket. Allena nodded and accepted the basket and took off down the road once more.

Her heart was racing. She needed to get off the road. She didn’t want any more people to see her. Allena looked around and seeing no one, darted off the road in between two houses and into the field beyond.

Allena stopped her run and took a deep breath. She loved coming out here. This was where she could run and be free. She did not have to worry about anything out here. Allena smiled to herself reflecting on the day’s events and started to laugh. She fell onto her back and rolled her head in the grass embracing the tickling sensation in her cheeks.
Allena let her laugher slowly cease. She slow stood and began to skip in the field humming to herself, swinging the basket in her arm. She moved into the breeze letting it whip her hair backward and looked around her taking in the environment. She looked at nothing particular, looking at everything and nothing at once.

She continued on and came to a smaller clearing and looked forward and there she saw the large leafed plant in her father’s workroom. Kingsfoil she reminded herself. She smiled broadly and slowly walk to the small clutch of plants. This was her chance. If she brought some home, mother and father would be ever so proud of her. Maybe she would even get to start to help them.

Allena bent down and picked plant after plant until her basket was full. Satisfied once it was filled, she clapped the dirt free from her hands and gathered the basket in her arms. She looked around her and realized how late it was getting and quickly hurried home. It would not do for her to be scolded for tardiness again while trying to make them proud. She made her way through the field and back to the road and toward her home.

As she rounded final bend, she saw the lights in the windows, one in the study on the second floor. More often than not that meant her father home. She smiled. Now was her time to shine. She strode to the front door and entered the foyer.

As she entered she saw her parents standing on either side of the hall and it appeared they had just been talking. They both turned and looked to her, her mother smiling and her father with his normal neutral expression.

“Lena. There you are. I was worried you would miss dinner.” Said her mother sweetly
Allena held the basket before her as a trophy “Don’t worry mommy, I am here! I brought something for you.” Despite the words being directed toward her mother, she held the basket for her father. He took the basket and looked at the contents for a minute without making a sound. The only sign that he had even looked was the slightest widening of his eyes. Heilda stood to join her husband to have a look as well. Seeing the motion seemed to awaken Saumur and angled the basket so she may have a look.

He did not look to Heilda, but rather directly at his daughter. He looked at her with considering eyes evaluating her. After a long pause of Heilda riffling through the basket Saumur studying Allena, he finally broke the silence, “Interesting…” Saumur then turn, handing the basket to his wife, and retired upstairs.

Allena watched him go almost in disbelief. Tears began to well up in her eyes. Her shoulders fell and she looked to the floor. Suddenly she felt her mother’s arm wrap around her.
“Oh, little Lena… my little girl. It is ok.” Was the gentle words muttered into her ear. The words seemed to open the gates of her tears and the began to run freely down her cheeks. “Shhh. It is ok. Everything will be just fine. I am here….”

“I just, I just…” Allena started to say, fighting through the tears.

“I know sweetie. Shhh. They are really pretty flowers you brought home.”

Allena immediately stopped sobbing and push herself free from her mother’s embrace. “They are herbs, not flowers”

Heilda looked at her daughter perplexed and said nothing. She didn’t have to. The look in her eyes ways enough and echoed her husband’s words.

Allena shoved open the door banging it against the hinges and sprinted into the night air. She couldn’t see where she was going through her tears, but it didn’t matter. Anywhere away from here was the only destination she had in mind.

[Ascomanni]

The Three Laws of Herbalism

The events of last night seemed a blur to her. She was only dimly aware that they had transpired. She faintly recalled her mother sobbing, holding her in her arms. She thought she remembered Larntuna finding her in in the bottom of the filled in well. It was like memory of something that had happened to someone else, reminiscent of watching a play or reading a story.

None of it mattered now, at least right now, in this moment. Now she was in her father’s study with him.

Saumur was sitting in his red leather chair and her on the blue rug. Looking up at her father Allena felt like he was a king in his thrown. She did her best to assume a solemn air but found it difficult not to smile.

Saumur fanned his fingers on the arm of chair and considered his daughter thoughtfully. Suddenly he broke the silence “If you want to learn, learn what we do, there is something you must commit to memory. These words are exceptionally important; not only in our field, but in how you shall live your life.” Allena nodded in response and her father resumed fanning his fingers on the chair arm. Saumur spoke again just as suddenly “Repeat after me: I must never hurt anyone. I must always help them. Everything has its place and use.  If I care for the plants, they will care for me and come back to help me once more.”

Saumur waited for Allena to comply and she did her best to repeat the words but it was not good enough. Saumur had her try again and again until she had them verbatim. It was growing dark before Saumur nodded at his daughter “These are the Three Laws of Herbalism: I must never hurt anyone. I must always help them. Everything has its place and use.  If I care for the plants, they will care for me and come back to help me once more.” He said them slowly and in a loud and assertive voice.

Allena shivered as Saumur finished. She felt as if she had completed some sort of rite. That something important had just transpired. Saumur watched the girl for a while before slowly rising and muttering “Keep these Laws close and you shall do well, Allena” and left her in the study.

Allena watch him leave slowly blinking. She was hardly ever let into her father’s study accompanied. Now she found herself alone in her father’s place. His sanctuary. Slowly she looked around soaking it all in. She had of course been in the study numerous times. She had even read a few of the tomes lining the walls, but it somehow felt different to stand in the room knowing that she was being allowed to exist here.

She was standing on the threshold. For as long as she could recall she dreamt of taking over the family hope and be an apothecary with her brother Larntuna. Brothers, she thought, I am going to be a big sister. Allena smiled at the prospect. She was going to show him everything she knew – all of the best hiding places and teach him how to sneak mother’s honeycakes. It was so close she could almost reach out and touch it.

Allena extended her arm out as if to grab it right then and there. Slowly the bookshelves beyond her hand came into focus. She walked around her father’s simple desk and peered at the tomes on the shelves. Scanning the spines she settled on a smaller blue leather binding. She pulled it out and walked back to the rug she was developing a strong affection for. Allena laid on her stomach and began to slowly sound out the words on the cover. An Introduction to the Herbal Arts. Allena struggled mightily with the words and progress was slow. Her frustration was mounting until she worked out the byline: Saumur Dameran.

With renewed vigor she cracked open the book. Slowly she worked her way through the preface of the tome: The role of the apothecary has, in the past, been defined as the profession of treating the physical ailments with the use of traditional and herbal remedies. While is description is not incorrect, it is simplistic beyond the point of reason and it offers a misconception that boarders on negligent. A true apothecary treat,s not aliments, but patients. All patients are a person with a past, emotions and feelings. If the apothecary ever forgets this, they are lost.

The body, mind and spirit must be treated simultaneously to maximum effect and in a delicate balance. It does no good the save the body only for the patient so never recovers psychologically or for the patient to feel well cared for and mentally health only to fall victim to infection. On top of this, the shock of injuries or the experience of near death experiences and leave the mind tattered. These can be the most difficult aliments to treat for an apothecary of any skill or ambition.

However it also bares remembrance that the body has a remarkable ability to heal itself. Sometimes the last and most difficult lesson is sometimes doing nothing is something. Time and a light hand are all that is needed in some cases. Despite the best of intentions of the attending apothecary, over treating the patient can be just as dangerous as under treating.

I do not offer these warnings as discouragement, but as a reminder the serious nature of our business. The rewards are numerous and the ceiling is high. There is always more to learn and the training is never truly over. Maintaining this mindset will keep the apothecary hungry and never satisfied. Failure is not an option, but must be forgotten or soon the apothecary will also fracture their own mind. The tolls of this profession can be high and the apothecary must be ever mindful of their own health: mental, emotional and physical.

-Saumur Dameran

Allena sighs as she finishes the lone page frustrated in the time it took to sound it all out but closes the book with a feeling of triumph. She was on her way now and her own father was the teacher. She smiled fondly at the tome as she slid it back in its proper place.

"I must never hurt anyone. I must always help them. Everything has its place and use.  If I care for the plants, they will care for me and come back to help me once more.” Allena repeated to herself as she walked slowly from the study and to her bed.

[Ascomanni]

The Problem with Puzzles

Allena tapped her quill against her chi as she examined the parchment on the table before her. It was written in her father’s immaculate hand. She Squinted harder at the words, prying at them to yield there answer.

"Patient number 17. Ylian male. Age: 31. Profession: Miner. His symptoms are difficult to gather accurately do to mixed speech. He is suffering from impaired brething and motor function of the limbs. In addition, he complains that his eye glasses no longer function correctly and bouts of loss in consciousness. During examination, the patient exhibits nausea and vomiting. He cannot offer an explanation as to what made this occur.  Diagnosis the patient."

Allena gripped the side of her seat and let her feet that did not reach the floor kick underneath her. There is lots going on here, she thought. Father is really throwing a lot at us this time.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” Larntuna asked incredulously. His gaze was locked on his little sister, examining her much the same way Allena regarded the parchment.

“What? No!” She replied all too defensively.

“Yeah, Right…”

The truth was she loved her father’s puzzles. They let her pretend that she was a real healer; each patient a challenge to unlock. Every morning when a piece of parchment lay next to their meal at breakfast, she had to hide her excitement from her brother. It was just so hard. A smile slid over her face as she reread the morning’s problem.

“God’s, you probably even got this one figured out already!” Larntuna exclaimed, his frustration boiling over.

Allena flushed “Well, maybe. I got an idea.”

“The Child Prodigy does it again.” He said with a roll of his eyes

“I am not a pedagogy!”

“That is enough!” Heilda, heavy with child, interrupted as she spun from her work on the dishes. “Larntuna, be nice to your sister.”

“Yes, mother”

Heilda gave a thankful nod and regarded both with a smile before turning back to her work. Larntuna gave Allena a leveling stare while she stuck her tongue out at him. With a huff, they both returned to their respective parchments. Allena let out a quiet sigh. Her thoughts were not so much on her problem, but on her brother. It had been a while since he had gotten one of their father’s puzzles correct.

She had been so proud the first time she’d gotten that Larntuna had failed too. Now she just wanted him to get this one. She longed for her brother to get his confidence back. To see him smile again.

Larntuna didn’t look up from his parchment. “So what do think it is then?” he prodded with a hushed tone.

Come on, Larn. “Father said I am not supposed to tell you anymore”

“Yeah, you’re just saying that ‘cause you don’t know” he goateed

Don’t look at each symptom as it is. Look at the whole picture. “Larn, you’re gonna get us in trouble.” Allena nodded to their mother just a few yards away.

“Come on, just a hint”

So many symptoms across that many systems... “Larn, stop it. I can’t. It isn’t so hard, you can do it” Allena smiled at her older brother encouragingly.

Larntuna slammed his quill on the table and stormed out of the small kitchen. Heilda sighed gently, folded her towel, and followed her son out, cradling her swollen stomach, leaving Allena at the table to herself. She hugged herself and regarded the now empty chair beside her with a heavy sigh.

“Nervous system.  It has got to be in the nervous system to affect all those systems on a sensory level and, if it were spinal, the eye wouldn’t be affected as it would be above the spinal injury. That leaves the brain.” Allena turned her gaze to her parchment. Taking up her quill and slowly began to form the letters on the bottom of her page.

“Carabella Edam–” Allena looked at the words with a frown before scribbling them out. Next to the scribble she tried again “Brain Swelling” and grinned. She swung from her chair and moved toward her father’s study. As she moved from the kitchen and into the long hallway leading to the stairs, Allena was stopped by her mother.

“’Lena, did you finish already?”

Allena smiled sweetly to her mother. “Mhmm, going to see if I got it right.”

Heilda quickly swooped up her daughter in a tight embrace. “Oh, ‘Lena. I just need you to know just how proud of you we all are.”

Allena stood stuned for a few seconds before patting her mother on the back “Umm, thanks mom, you too.” She offered, hoping it was the correct response.

Heilda held her daughter at arm’s length and nodded to her as tear welled up in her eyes. She let go of Allena and gently urged her on. Allena looked back, confused and turned back. It wouldn’t do to be too slow in her response and climbed up the stairs. She could her voices coming from the crack door of her father’s office.

“Pneumonia? Are you certain, Larntuna? You believe that satisfies all the symptoms?” She heard her father ask through the door.

“Yes sir.” Larntuna’s voice came through the door weaker. Not only was his back to her, but his voice was tentative. If he wasn’t going to be correct, he might as well be first.

“And the eye sight?”

Allena stranded her hearing but the answer was unintelligible.

“Psychosomatic? That is a very risky diagnosis at best.”

Allena heard enough. She hated the idea of Larntuna squirming under her father’s gaze. She pushed herself through the crack and walking in quietly. Her father’s gaze shifted from her brother to her.

“Allena, I trust you have your own hypothesis on today’s puzzle?”Allena offered no direct reply, instead crossed the red rug to her father’s desk and slid the paper to him and backed away. Saumur scanned his daughters note “Interesting. Allena, what do you make of the diagnosis of Pneumonia?”

Allena flushed and looked away. She hated being in the middle. She couldn’t lie; her father would know and call her on it and to be direct would mean to diminish Larntuna. It was a delicate line to walk to keep everyone equally unhappy.

“I was thinking it may be something else. Pneumonia may fit a few of the aliments, but I believe something related to the nervous system may be more likely.”

Saumur smiled and looked back down at Allena’s parchment. “For your assignments for today, I would like you both to visit the library and look up treatment options for cerebral edema. Allena, from now on, I would like you to offer a treatment proposal to your diagnosis on these puzzles.”

Allena’s eyes light up. “Just like Larn?”

Saumur nodded and continued. “Larntuna, you will be responsible for preparing today’s rooms as well as this evening’s clean up. Heilda will be assisting me with today’s patients.”  The two siblings’ eyes went wide simultaneously. They always split the responsibilities Larntuna was assigned. Occasionally they would both be responsible for them on the same day if there were a great number of patients for the day, but never was only one assigned both alone.

Larntuna’s shock wore off first “Why do I need to do both? That is not fair!”

Saumar raised a finger to cut off any further protest. “Larntuna, I have arranged for you to have your first patient tomorrow. I want you to prepare for it.”

Larntuna’s eyes burned with pride and superiority as he regarded his sister “Thank you father. I shall not disappoint you.”

Saumur left his eyes on his son for a few seconds “See that you don’t” and turned his body to regard Allena “Allena, you too shall receive your first patient tomorrow.”Allena was dumbfounded. Me? Did I hear him right?

Before Allena could voice her concerns, Larntuna voiced his “Her? Father, you must be joking. Allena can’t have her own patient. She has only seen her seventh name day.”

Saumur offered his son a dismissive wave “She will be eight cycles next week”

Allena pipped up weakly, “Next month, sir”

“Oh, yes, quite right, next month. Regardless, my decision stands”

Larntuna took a defiant step forward “Father, reconsider. I had barely even seen your offices at her age. What will people think? What will people say?”

“Let them talk. I said my decision stands. You are dismissed.” Saumur turned to his desk and regarded his papers.