It really is good, I'm quite impressed. There's always room for improvement, of course, but it's late and I'm tired and feeling almost nice. Still though, it just wouldn't be me if I didn't point out a few things:
Irinyi’s business is quite visible to those who work with animals. Her significance is easy to see... many of the pterosaurs that carry people between levels were trained by Irinyi.
That's a big statement. Not that I mind, but I do hope, however, that you will stick around long enough for it to actually have meaning. If you actually RP'd that concept to it's full potential, you could even build a bit of a reputation for yourself around the concept that your mom had such an important job that many of the richer citizens would have heard of her. If, on the other hand, you're not still around two months from now, well... then it was rather pointless.
As for Rokure, there were few fish on the first level, so he switched jobs, training in the Crystal Way to become a healer. Even then he kept a low profile, not even telling those he healed what his name was.
How can you do that? Did he just randomly wander around healing people? I mean, you give the impression that it was actually a job, but for any kind of organised healing job, people would need to know who you are, otherwise you wouldn't get patients. So what I'm seeing here is that either it was just random, seperate healings, or else everyone who knew of him just referred to him as "that healer guy"?
Because her parents’ jobs were so different, for a long time Siteri was not sure what job she would eventually have. Then she learned that there was a job fair going on in Hydlaa. She made the journey to try to find the job she wanted. After many attempts, she couldn’t find any job that satisfied her. The fair closed without Siteri ever reaching a decision. She wondered what she would say to her parents... a decision she never had to make.
A job fair... interesting idea. I like it, and yet I don't. I mean, it is theoretically possible, but it has a lot of practical problems. How do you picture it? How does one give a short presentation to an interested party about how to be a blacksmith? Why would one? There are not that many various jobs that you would find something you'd never considered at a fair before. I mean, what, you never heard of a blacksmith? Or a tax collector? Or a wizard? Or... etc. etc. You get my point. I can picture a whole bunch of stalls with a lot of stuff on them that no one would find interesting except maybe to buy... Anyway, I'll stop with this concept, maybe you had something else in mind. I sincerely hope so.
Now, Siteri sat in the tavern and contemplated her past. I’ve succeeded in one respect, she thought. I’ve been able to help plenty of people in small ways. I’ve helped find some missing gloves, made deliveries for Brado, and even helped catch a thief... but whenever I try something big, I always fail. I wanted to help save Zhai from being possessed by that Angadu creature, but my idea didn’t work and I wasn’t even there when it actually happened... then I tried to catch Daehaz but I ended up being dead through the whole thing... and now, I join the jury in Daehaz’s trial, thinking there’s nothing that can stop me from making a difference, and some... BOUNTY HUNTER has the nerve to come and kill the guy right in front of us and make us all useless! Am I just not meant for this?
Later, while standing outside of Harnquist’s shop, Siteri received a request from her friend Zhai, leader of the Rangers of Yliakum.
“Hey, do you still want to go up against Angadu?”
Siteri accepted the job immediately, with a look of anticipation in her eyes. Maybe... I am meant for this! I actually have a chance! I’ve made enough small differences... it’s time to think big!
Ok, a couple of things. Number one, and this is just a small one, that's not the way people think. In general, people don't actually bother to form sentences in their minds. I know there are a lot of problems with portraying thought in writing, but I still think it could be improved. It's not awful by any means, but it feels a bit clumsy.
Number two, you should be either less descriptive about your character's past activities, or more descriptive. You could cut the remembrance of events down to vague thoughts or the naming of a character or so, or you could go the other way and describe each one in more detail. As it is, I'm sure it's amusing for those who know what incidents you're talking about, but for the rest of us, it just feels like "huh?" For instance:
I wanted to help save Zhai from being possessed by that Angadu creature, but my idea didn’t work and I wasn’t even there when it actually happened...
Huh? I mean, either tell us what Angadu creature you're talking about, what your idea was, why it didn't work, and where the heck you were when whatever-it-was actually happened, or else just stick to something along the lines of, "Then there was that time I tried to save Zhai... Boy, was that a flop." See? Short, gives you a general idea of what happened, but doesn't leave you hanging.
Number three, be careful about your references to dying. If you died, why are you still here?
Now, I know I come across critical. I am critical. However, like I said, I'm feeling almost nice, so I'm even going to point out that you did a great job, even though I still found things to nit-pick at. If you do more writing, I'll definitely be reading.
