Author Topic: The Rangers  (Read 532 times)

Zackery

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The Rangers
« on: June 06, 2004, 02:30:01 pm »
Chapter 1
     Raphial looked cautiously at his surroundings\" Where is that taffar(Thief).\"  Raphial was an elven ranger he has long brown hair and bright green eyes that were searching for a thief that stole a Dryad seed.  Suddenly, a figure ran by the trees\"  Now I got you,\" he whispered to himself.  He ran through the thickets of the forest jumping over roots, dodging branches, and avoiding attacks from the forest dwellers.  He was getting closer and then he leaped on to the figure.
     \" What do you want?\"
     Raphial out stretched his long arm\" The seed.\"
     \"I don\'t know what you are talking about,\" he lied as he clutched his pocket.  Raphial reached into his pocket and said\" Oh, I tihnk you do.\"
       \" Okay, Okay.  The forest killer mafia are planning to destroy Gendell.\"
       \"Oh and where would they be hiding,\" he bribed with a gold coin,
        He quickly snatched the coin and said\" In the basement in Mosley tavern.\"
        Raphial whistled at the sky as a giant pheones came gliding down.  He jumped on it and whispered in it\'s ear\" Dert, Mosley tavern.\" Dert, glided above the clouds toward the tavern where those dreaded theives are plotting to destroy the town of Gendell.  The bird gentley landed as Raphial leaped off of him.  He walked into the tavern quietly and saw no bar tender. So he pulled out his bow and arrow as he walk through the secret passage behind a book case.  He walked down the narrow hall way and stopped when he saw the thieves.
     \" How, master?\"
      \" By simpley killing that ranger.\"
       \" Superve idea, master.\"
       \" Many thanks, Tyu.\"
       \" Your welcome, master Hayg.\"
       Raphial walked toward them as their back was turned and took out two daggers.  He imidiately stabbed, Tyu.  But, Hayg, was too, quick as he drew his short sword.  Raphial ran as he aimed his bow and arrow.  He pulled it back and then released it as it struck, Hayg, directly in the head.  He fell to his knees and said\" I am not that easy to kill.\"
     \"What!? Your still alive?\"
     \" More than ever.\"
     He ran at Raphial as he kept launching arrows.  Raphial tripped over a step and watched the immortal run at him, ready to kill.  Suddenly, a light came thorugh the door that killed Hayg.  Raphial looked at the creature that caused the light and said\" Bless you!\"
     \"Thank you,\" It said with pleasure,\" I am Korba the ragnos.\"  Raphial noticed that Korba was a giant stag that had antlers the size of a fule grown man and a body twice the size.
Zackery

                       Quote: I am not weird.....Just different

karakth

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« Reply #1 on: June 06, 2004, 02:52:00 pm »
Yes, an improvement, I suppose.

Try making your stories more Planeshift-Orientated by using official monsters or races.

Also, take more time in your narrative, to explain everything in detail, not just outlining the main plot items. The story feels a little compressed, but if you keep practising I am sure you will get better :)

A suggestion: Don\'t make a thread for every new story. Create a thread called \"Zackery\'s Stories\" and post everything there.
~Karakth, Arcane Loremaster of the Arcane Order.



Zackery

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« Reply #2 on: June 06, 2004, 03:58:46 pm »
Okay thanks.
Zackery

                       Quote: I am not weird.....Just different