Arka's Return 2: The Tower

[Arka]

The following day, Arka and her friends were sitting in Lordbug’s study at the University, waiting for him to return from a meeting with Jefecra, who was already well on the mend.

“I don’t understand,” said Arka, “Why were the guard after me?”

“They wanted to question you about the murder,” began Gholmyyr.

“They thought I’d done it?”

“No!” Gholmyyr laughed. “But your disappearance aroused their suspicions.

“It’s like I said. I had business to attend to.”

“We know,” said Nikoren, “And a very fine monument you made.”

“You saw it?”

“Pinante and I were following you.”

“And we might have found you, if Nikoren hadn’t taken us on a wild goose chase.”

“That’s not fair!”

“That's water under the bridge,” said Gholmyrr hastily. He didn’t want to open up that argument again.

“So how did you get into Hydlaa?”

“Down the crags”

Nikoren’s eyes widened. “You persuaded Zorbels to go down the crags?”

“It wasn’t easy,” began Arka and Zorbels smiled.

“Then Sudisir rolled a boulder down the crags at us. He would have killed us if someone hadn’t floored him with a fireball. Which one of you did that? It was an amazing shot.”

They looked at each other.

“Are you sure it was Sudisir on the crags?” asked Pinante, suddenly serious. “Because if it was, I would have thought the fireball would have come from above, not below.”

Arka let this sink in.

“You mean the fireball was Sudisir’s?”

“None of us could have managed that apart from Pinante and he was still in Akkaio with me.”

Arka shuddered. That was how Sudisir had got to Zorbels so quickly! He was in Hydlaa all the time. That meant the elf at the top of the crags was not him. She was not out of danger yet.

Before she could speak, the door opened and Lordbug entered, a huge smile across his face.

“They’ve found Kehelar, and he’s confessed.”

A collective sigh of relief ran round the room.

“Better still, there’s a reward. He spilled the contents of his leather money pouch on the table. “There’s enough here for the new wing.”

He smiled at Arka, “How does the ‘Embra Garam’ wing sound to you Arka? The Faculty of Culture and Ancient Languages?”

Arka jumped up and hugged Lordbug. All her worries evaporated. This was more than she had ever dreamed of.

“I think this calls for a celebration,” added Lordbug, pulling a flask of golden liquid from his desk. “Gholmyrr – the glasses if you please.”

Gholmyrr disappeared into the back of the room and brought back a tray of crystal goblets. Lordbug filled them from the flask.

“To our continued success,” said Lordbug, raising his glass, and everyone cheered. “But most of all, to Arka, the bravest, most loyal friend we could hope for.”

“To Arka,” they echoed. Arka looked around the table and smiled. She caught Zorbel’s eye and there was a moment between them, a connection. She knew she had found a special friend in her and that whatever happened in the future, she need never worry again.


END

[Einnol]

What a great story, Arka.  The blend of suspense, action, mystery and emotion makes for a very good read.  Is this going to be a trilogy?   

[Sudisir]

Awww, me dearest Arka, or shoulds me speak Lady Arka?  Ye friend, nemesis, Sudisir Tiz of back!!! 

[Akaye]

  I can't believe it! I got teary eye'd at the end. This story is awesome Arka, but you already know I am addicted and love it. Now it ends and for this I am sad but all good things must come to an end.

Over all though you wrote Zorbels perfect and kept true to her character and traits. I am honored you wrote this story and it has not only been a good read for me, but my best friend IRL absolutely loves it. She has never played planeshift, but wanted me to pass on the comment. Thank you so much for sharing this with the community. You are superb story teller, and I hope to see more stories from you in these forums. Oh and I am your number #1 fan. 

[Phinehas]

Good dialogue. I only just glanced over this last post, but it seemed well put together. Perhaps some day soon I'll read the whole thing and then write down some critiques for you. I know, you're just bursting with joy at the thought. Please, try and contain yourself.

[Arka]

Thank you all for sticking with the story for SO LONG!

@Einnol: Could be; though I'll need your help (and a few of the other brethren) with it - you can guess the content!

@Akaye: Thanks m'dear - I really do appreciate your comments - I'm glad I got Zorbs right and that your RL friend likes it too!

@Phinehas: I would love to get your critique - I already know which chapters I would change but a third eye is always welcome. I hope you can find the time

Finally
@Sudisir: I don't believe it!!!!! After so long... See you IG

I need a break now. Maybe the 3rd instalment around Xmas?

Best Wishes

Arka

[Nilrem]

Hello Arka, here starts my oddisey ^^

On average comment, I'd say that you haven't lost your flavour, the writing has still that freshness that could be seen in part 1, and its language makes it accessible for everyone.
This time, though, you've faced a big challenge, this one being having parallel stories going on.
It's not an easy thing to handle, and, certainly, timing has not aid you. Still, the effort was big, and I do not think I'd have done it any better, this difficult I consider the task.

At times, we've: Zorbels+Arka, Sudisir, Nikoren+Pinante, Gholmyyr, Lordbug jailed, Rabartus+Finara, Jefecra, and finally "K" plotting. This makes 8 parallel "live" stories to tell, not an easy task. In fact... might be too difficult. Normally, you focus on one story each chapter, there are times when you've put two of them, but, generally, you're focused on only one. This I think, might have caused some confusion. Forgetting what other characters are doing, since it's a long period of time before they take part again in the story. I do not know how you could have minimized this, perhaps advancing less on one story per chapter, and doing the half of the way, but on two stories, rather than only focusing on one... but that's not always possible because you need certain things to happen in order to make relevant (worth to be told) the other's actions. You see too, that I'm not very good when it comes to make short posts, so I'm certainly not the best one to suggest how you could have improved that.

In any case, I promised to reread the story again, and this is what I'm going to do, I'll leave you comments regarding each chapter (if only a line) so, let's start:

Part 1: Prologue

Befriended by the menkie, Lordbug, she tracks down the evil dermorian, Sudisir, who had...

Ok... normally people refers to them as "menki" IIRC, in any case, the first comma shouldn't be there. Yes with Sudisir name, that has to go sorrounded by commas.

of her village and the death of her clansfolk

I'm wondering if it should be "clanfolks"

After an epic battle, Sudusir

Sudisir

her mother?s work; translating the epics and sagas of her people, the Stonebreakers and creating a dictionary

Yeah, it's mother's but the point of this is that I think that you should have added a comma "people, the Stonebreakers, and creating..."

University of Yliakum

I'm aware that the KS have a university where they teach their guildmembers and such but... is it really called Yliakum University? Sounds a bit too big. That would mean the university in the whole stalagmite. From the writing I'd say that the university is settled in Hydlaa, thus it perhaps should be named Hydlaa University? In any case, in the official setting there's, too often, a confusion going on calling Hydlaa city Yliakum... so I guess it's not entirely your fault :S

and Arka?s troubles were far from over

should be Arka's...

Real comment:

After all that unnecessary babbling, the overall comment of this chapter is. Thanks! When someone writes, has to think about the readers. You did that with this "prologue". Aware of this story being placed in a new thread, you did not only refresh the memory of those that read the 1st "book" in order to settle themselves in the action, but also introduced the fact that there is a previous written story, for those readers that were completely new to the story.
This background, even if not falling into little details, gives the basis as to understand the action that develops on the coming chapters, and it's certainly such a gesture that you had towards the "community". So: 


 Part 2: A new life

Another of your traits can be seen in this chapter. Sense of humour. You added some in the 1st book (Arka taking a bath upstairs at Kada Els comes to mind... no that's not the joke you made, it became right after that, but I cannot recall exactly, I just know it was put after that ^^) and here you put it with how the battle is amplified by the population. It's subtle, but at the same time real, and it gives believing to the action that Arka did, as it has formed part of the global memory (even if altered ^^)
This fact makes Arka feel uncomfortable, and its very well used as a reason (one more) for her to accept living inside the university, even if the room needed some fixing (is the university that overcrowded? I guess you simply wanted to show us a determined Arka, making the room hers, cutting the chairs and tables to her size... another nice detail in there, by the way) but the fact of introducing all the "noisy", disturbing for Arka legend around her, adds to the reader's belief of Arka wanting to be away, and have some period of calm.

Those facts also introduce us to Arka's way of being, a humble dwarf for one side, but also determined, as she doesn't hesitate to adequate the room for her.
All and all, a great chapter, if the first settled readers in the story, this one settles them in the character. 

Part 3: A visitor

had been busy sketching when there was a knock at her door. She started

should be "Startled"

They stared at each other in silence. Pinante understood. Her arrival in Hydlaa had opened up the grief he felt too. And the guilt. If they had got back to the village in time? But there was no use feeling remorse. It would not bring his friends back.

He broke the silence. "Aren?t you going to invite me in?"

Very pictorical image you wrote in here Arka, one can just see Pinante standing on the doorway, and Arka in front of him both lost in the same thoughts. If only, to add more to that feeling, right after this first paragraph, you could have pictured Arka looking a bit down, remembering, and being "awaken" by Pinante's question.

On average, the chapter's fine, and, through the action, you let the reader imagine the physics. You hardly describe facial expressions or gestures, tend more to the sentences or actions the chars are doing, also adding at times the tone of voice. Although with that, you certainly achieve a complete "picture", it would not be wasted effort to, now and then, try to explicitly state some face reaction, for instance.
In this particular chapter, we see a shy Arka, that on her retirement thought about her lost home, and pictured on a blackboard her plans, that she covered with a sheet, even if she was the only one in that room, and expected no visitors.
In that sense, the irruption of Pinante, even being a close friend to her, is such a surprise and an unexpected event, that is like a tornado looking all the room, and touching all items. While Arka's reaction to all of that, can be extracted from the dialogue lines she has, you could have added a bit more of detailing of her embarassement, being overrun by the entrance of Pinante, for instance you could have pictured her always standing still in one same spot (how I pictured her) watching how Pinante went from here to there, how she was curious about the blackboard... you could have then make her make a step forward, as if trying to stop him, but, shortly after, making a step backwards, unsure of what to do or how to act.
As a last praise, I'd like to say that it's specially enjoyable to see how you managed to build a story, non unsubstantial, but that describes your char way of being with a certain depth, and all of that without moving from location, standing always inside of her room at the university attics. I guess that's not an easy thing to achieve

[Nilrem]

Part 4: Waiting

1st story change! Sudisir appears!

What to say about this chapter? I hardly can comment about anything in here... but I was not going to skip it ^^ I've a few comments to make. The first of them, again about facial expressions, something such as a smile from Sudisir, once he was starting to caress his selfconvincement of exiting and revenging, or something on this line would have been good, imo.

My only bitter flavour of the chapter was the last paragraph, specially:

He just needed to find out how he could exploit it.

What the...? Where's the mighty Sudisir in here? He just needed to find... that's for a starter! "And he was going to exploit it" should have been used instead of your sentence. Something more direct and sharp. Like a door closing on reader's noses. Blamp! And we move to another story, and I'll leave you there with Sudisir menace.

Part 5: Disagreements

Ok... now we move to Sudisirs companions.

Here, I find one of the things that, I think, your writings sometimes lack. On multiple talking chapters, there's sometimes a point where you hardly know who's talking. It would have been interesting to add (not always, just now and then) who said the previous sentence, even in a classical way such as "charA said".

"Sudisir will find a way. And when he does we have to be ready. All of us."

I imagined the one saying this (race unknown) looking around him, as soon as he finished saying that, and seeing the rest of the crowd nodding to him ^^

The Diabolo brought his fist down on the table. He had heard enough.

See? Here we're presented a diaboli... who's he? The reader exactly doesn't know if this is the first time he intervenes, or if he said something before...

The way of ending this chapter, though, it's way more hitting than the previous. This shows you're able to make great endings, and, at the same time, unfortunately minusvalues Sudisir to the eyes of the reader, as, at this point, the diaboli appears more fearsome. True, Sudisir's trapped and all... but, for the story, the fear focus of the reader should be on Sudisir, and not in the diaboli.

Part 6: Surprises

mmm
well this is a chapter where it's mixed an extreme happyness and cheerfulness with the grave news of death. That jump of state helps to accentuate and immerse the reader into the mistory of the faceless murdered.

I've a personal reluctancy when it comes to the party. The scene is bright and colourful, but you used magic in there in a way I don't personally like. This is no complain to you, just my personal view on the matter. Don't worry, my view on it is probably out of the setting ^^ so you don't have to listen to me very carefully. In any case, magic that "pops" out things from nowhere it's not the magic I like the most. You used that on the latest chapters too, and it's something I'm not very comfortable with, even if magic, it still has to have some logic. Making appear things out of nowhere doesn't convince me, but the scene plays well, and the feeling of a birthday party is achieved. In fact is the kind of image about a birthday party anyone has in movies or tales.

Again nice ending leaving the suspense, you really domain that, and use not to "decieve" your followers, that painfully know that when reaching the end of any of your chapters, they'll be left a slight hint, leaving them hungry to know what comes next (this  isn't always true, but hey, it's a praising ) you're keen to use little chapters, and then those misteries help to keep readers interested in upcoming chapters, you even used a riddle this time in this second book of Arka stories, so yeah, you like writing somehow mistery... but I'm deviating from the topic of this chapter.

Last comment: I liked to see how you want to be involved with the "virtual" sorrounding, such as we've in our cultures, surely yliakeans have their own expressions, based on what they see in their world. Thus:

Arka shot him a glance that could have curdled Tefusang milk

This sentence showed your intention of placing yourself in Yliakum (and by doing that, taking the reader with you) and at the same time it has a point of irony, since I assume that's a common expression in english, if you change tefusang for cow.

[Nilrem]

Part 7: The Guard

Another switch! Now for the guards of Hydlaa. 

Here we find the corpse, and all the chapter describes its weirdity. That "noir" touch you put in this chapter, and by extension, to the whole second book, is what, imo, identifies this second volume of Arka's adventures.

The use of NPC into the story goes this time fairly fine. Specially because you avoided making them be the only ones there (there are more guards in Hydlaa than those few NPC) and you simply used them as "recognizable" characters for the readers, creating with this way a nice bound between the ingame and the story. It's also a success your use of Jefecra (iirc he indeed is somehow a chief of the guards) and also your decision of using other NPC as guards with a certain range (such as Rabartus or Finara that will appear later) all and all, big praise on not falling into "what you see is all what it is" and imagining that there's more complexity in the Hydlaa guards, than what we can see (this is specially remarkable on latest chapters, with the "assault" to the building)

Part 8: The morning after

Back to Arka.
This is the first time, if memory serves me well, that we know about Arka's age. We all have known her as a "veteran" but it seems she has now 148 years no less! While we've no info about life expectancy on different races, from what I was able to talk with other players this can be an acceptable age for a dwarf, and even if I don't know exactly in which year the game is supposed to be in, truth is that perhaps with such an age, even the settings would support you, and indeed Arka might have witnessed how the Laanx Temple was built... so I'll have then to withdrawl my comment about that I made about your first "book", seems I'll end being the only one out of the setting, after all ^^

The note regarding Stonebreakian students, about the euphemism, is just sweet. It would have been better if Arka herself was the one writing that. I mean if the story was told in 1st person, and this was some sort of Arka diary, then the note at the bottom would have acquired even more impact. But, after all, I think the story's not to be told in first person, so it's fine as it is. Just that the gesture of putting that "explanatory" note, talks more about you, than Arka

The tension that Arka gets due to Gholmyrr's words is very well transmitted, and also how she determines herself to get the info that others don't let her know, on her own. Specially remarkable is the talk with Finara and Arka, where there's reluctancy always present in Finara's words, and the exact moment that you chose for Arka to "slip"

“Don’t be afraid, Arka,” she said, “I saw him this morning. Safe and sound – for now.”

Arka sighed, clearly relieved, “It’s just this murder. I thought maybe…”

This is most excellent. The timing chosing is right where it has to be. Once Arka's told that her main worry has no basement, she relaxes, and then, the words scape her mouth almost unconsciously "that murder... I thought maybe..." and there she slips and all the story unfolds. Great job there.

An end note:

He gets no visitors, no messages go in and out of the jail.

I think this should have been "in nor out of the jail"

Specially remarkable again how Arka realises her mistake and doubts if her words would affect her friend, and how the guard, at her time, sees with that sentence emerge her reluctancy towards Arka, and her sentences become slightly more evasive and sharp. 

Part 9: The dilemma

Ok... in here I find the same comments I already did before.
We've a discussion between Lordbug and Nikoren, regarding the spy they infiltrated into the "7" group. Right at the beginning it's a bit tricky (I mean it's not really evident) who is the one talking.

Lordbug welcomed Nikoren into his study and closed the door behind him.

“It looks grave, my friend,” he began,” I haven’t heard from our man for three days now.”

“He may be keeping his head down.”

After reading the chapter, the reader can compose a better image of what really happened. Lordbug was very nervous, and he was the one to call Nikoren to his room, thus Lorbug's the one that opens the door as soon as Nikoren reaches it, and Lorbug again is the one that closes it. Lorbug, finally is the first to talk, since he's the one becoming worried (and is already nervous about the unclear situation)
Observe that, the default attitude of the reader is countrary to that. I mean, Lorbug's the director of the university, and is expected by default of the reader that he simply allows others to enter the room he is in. And are those others the ones that have to close the door. This is broken in this chapter, but it's not explicitly stated right at the begining, so this might have caused some confusin to some.

About gestures and expressions, while it's evident how Lorbug's the one more concerned, and feels pushed to reveal to the guards to see if he can find out what happened, while Nikoren appears as the one trying to postpone that day (when the guards know about the infiltration) and trying to insuflate fate in the mission being working correctly. Well, I might have liked it better if you had exagerated, even, the situation. This means simply making Lordbug walk in circles in a continued way over the study, talking without really facing Nikoren and gesturing with his paws, that sort of thing. Nikoren as opposed, would have remained in the same spot during all the talk, trying to calm down Lordbug, with more soft gestures (while Lordbug's would be more abrupt)

Another part where this might have been nice to be applied is when Arka enters. It's well chosen how they try to comfort her telling they're talking about the lessons (even if they somehow know that Arka eavesdropped part of the discussion) you could have added there a soft smile from both of them. Or even, the typical, one smiles first, then the other looks at him, realizes, turns to Arka and smiles the same smile than the other. Also, when Lordbug agrees on Arka leaving for a business, you could have shown how he does so (the agreement) more because he's thinking on something else (the spy) putting one paw on the forehead while with the other waves to the door, and with a phrase not very flourished, "oh yeah... sure, you can..." something like that. In fact, the presence of Arka in the room at that time is disturbing.

I think I'll leave aside the grammar comments and stuff, because I feel that, someway or another, I'll end up messing things more than fixing them, if I dig into grammar stuff. I might then just tell you this impressions about the chapters, and perhaps only jump to some grammar stuff if I really see something unpleasant (or if I feel like it ^^ )

[Arka]

THis is great Nilrem - keep it coming.

By the way would you like to be my literary agent?



Arka

[Nilrem]

Hehe, thanks, but no. You do pretty well on your own. And this way you won't have to share the earnings ^^

After having added the 9th chapter to the previous post, here it comes the 10th... Did I see 51 chapters? 

Part 10: Unravelling

We switch to Jefecra. He was the leader of the Hydlaa guard, yes? This is what one thinks right when starting the chapter. Who was Jefecra? It's the danger of using multiple plots in the same story. Sometimes, you've to refresh the reader's minds. You could have started with: "The Hydlaa guard chief, Jefecra (cannot recall surname) sat at his desk." Like this, you fix the action, and also guide the reader. The reader's always on your hands when you write something, you've to treat them carefully and with consideration. Yes, I know that it's a bit tricky some times, specially considering the lack of feedback that you get from them :S so you've to "imagine" not ever having read your text and being a reader... kind of a roleplay ^^

He picked up the physick’s report. No marks on the body… clean fracture to the 3rd vertebrae… face excised with a sharp instrument… cuts to lower mandible suggest a surgical knife.

You missed something here. It's really stupid. You just had to add that he left it again on the table. Then you can make him sigh, or look up to the door ceiling or whatever. But make him leave the note back on the table. This shows that he's read that many times, and that tries to get some information from there, without success. It might seem a stupid detail, but just having added those words of he left it again on the table, would have added more intensity to the scene.

There's one detail I found weird, though. It's the diamond dust thing. I think you used it as to prove it had to be a kran the one that had struggled the victim's neck, but I'm unsure if krans would really leave that dust. It's something that shocked me. I guess you could have made the kran appearance simply judging the dimension of the marks. Kran marks are meant to be big, and while oppressing the victim's neck, the marks would have been big, not to mention the fact that their fingers are probably more (rude, abrupt, angulous? don't know the right word for this in here) than the rest of other races.

In any case, in this chapter we've mainly the presentation of Jefecra, is the typical investigator that follows the methods, based on logic deductions, and normally successful. It's very used. Nothing wrong with that, I like it. Normally they add also some sort of "other side" another investigator who guides him/herself by instict or psycology (the motives of the murder so to say) more than the proves found on the scene. Well, I don't recall if you added that second type now, but in any case, that "investigation" feeling you added to this "2nd book" is nicely done. The reading's entertaining.

Part 11: Good hunting

We're back to Arka. Arka was leaving on "business" to do. Here we discover that she retires a bit in order to think, and Zorbels character is presented in the story.
Seems that Arka wants to slash Trepors while thinking on deep thoughts. If I were a trepor I'd pray for Arka not meditating too often. Kidding, in fact she goes there to take some eggs (they're able to cure, you say) and some treport hearts to sell if needed. It's a bit shocking to see this, as Arka just exited the university, and chances are that she might have provided all needed right from the start. But well, somehow Zorbels had to be met, so Arka had to be there. Perhaps explaining that Arka left abruptedly and forgot something, might have helped to justify the tendancy of Arka to "meditate with the Trepors"

About trepors... long since I read the book at the library talking about them, and if I recall correctly, the blood wasn't meant to be sort of green for them? Don't take me too serious in here though.

I've a comment about weapons. The first one being about daggers.

Beside her lay the dead Trepor, its back peeled open like a ripe orange.

Keeping in mind that the weapon used was a dagger, it seems a bit too much for me to peel a trepor like an orange with a short dagger. Specially considering that the attack is done in one strike. That is, the Trepor's almost about to attack Arka deathly, so the strike had to be fast. To cause such a huge wound, I guess a bigger weapon would have been needed. Trepors are somehow big.
But that's not the comment about weapons I wanted to make. It was regarding Arka's axes. I've always pictured Arka proud of her axes, and certainly they're an identity sign for her. Somehow, I feel she renounces too easily to the axes. In the sense that quickly looses faith on them, in favour to the daggers as to attack animals. True, they might be better (or not, that's up to you to decide ^^) but what I somehow expected is that Arka, having that stubborn point she has, sticking for a bit longer with the axes. Kind of even challenging Zorbels in the sense of. Ok, I won't be distracted now, look how this works! Weren't Arka's axes from her parents? I think there was their story in book 1, well they're meaningful for her surely, and you even have a couple of axes in your sig

Ah! One praise I wanted to make. You certainly have an idea of making stories through little chapters. Normally in each one there's a central idea (and only one) and that's fine for the reader. This one is the Arka and Zorbels encounter. It's good that you don't add too many ideas, that might end up confusing.

Part 12: A Rat’s tail

After having presented all the actors of the story, and settled up the "alliance" between Arka and Zorbels, the moment comes for the action to start. Obviously, this had to take us back to Sudisir, and so you did. Good.

The way Sudisir captures the rat, resembles me how little birds are trapped. In the first place I think a rat as big as the ones seen in game would not be inside that little cell, perhaps a mouse yes. In any case, I think that the trap works for birds because they're used to fly, rather than walking, the clothing puts a height on them, besides blinding them, so they cannot fly and don't know what to do. Lots of those birds move on ground by making little jumps. A rat is used to go on the floor, and not to fly. I've my doubts such a system would work with a rat or mouse, I think they'd move as lighting and not stay quiet there like the little birds. But I'm not a rat chaser. Not mouse, for that matter. Not even bird. A chaser I mean.

Seems also that the door of the cell is made by bars... the fact that the guard has to open it to take the rat, means that indeed it was a big rat (the ones you see in game) geez those are real monsters, have you noticer their proportions? They open the mouth and could eat half of a dermorian ^^
In any case, the important detail in here is: The guard wanted to skin the rat, to sell the fur. This is extremely dangerous. In the first place, because I don't see any utlity in this, it's not really necessary (at least I don't recall it that way) for the story development, and on the other hand, consists a high risk you take as a writer, since you're (alone yourself) allowing another character to manipulate the vehicle used to transmit the message. Really touchy thing, you could have made a mistake in here... there was no need to ^^ I'll try to see in next chapters, how this goes.

[Nilrem]

Part 13: Contact!

Well, back to Lorbug and his job room at the University.
Here you describe his situation, and how he feels and the reactions when Gholmyrr comes to see him with the news. Pretty much you do in here what I told you to do in the other chapter ^^ This means two things. A) That you perfectly know how to do it and B) That I'm doing this comments on the fly, commenting as I reread the chapters again one by one. ^^

“No, no, that’s not possible. Not yet. If we act too soon it will raise suspicion.”

“What was the message?”

There's something missing here. First talking is Gholmyrr while answer's from Lordbug, they discuss about removing the spy from the group where he is infiltrated. Lorbug is anxious and wants to push things, Gholmyrr now acts as Nikoren trying to act as a stopper or cooler. Lorbug's reaction, though is not completely written. Hardly, he would have switched topic like this, but mostly he would have frowned, or murmured some complain before then yes asking about the message content. You know something as shaking head and mumbling something then facing Gholmyrr and saying "alright, alright now what about that message?"

There's a bit of lack of ambientation of what characters do, that might have reinforced the action. For instance, when Lordbug realizes there's no codework, you could have made him point (touching it) the message with his finger. Then Gholmyrr taking the piece of paper and putting it back on his bag "must have been in a hurry" while Lordbug places a paw on his forehead, goes behind the table and lets himself fall on a kind of a sofa, then sighing "you're probably right" keeping face covered by paw.
Then when he asks "who picked the message, was it you?" you can play with Lordbug removing the paws from his face, and leaning slightly, still sitting on the sofa towards the table, as to approach Gholmyrr... well you know, that sort of play.

Here we now that the execution has been secretly advanced in time.

Part 14: Packing

Back to Arka & Zorbels.
Really nothing to comment in this chapter. Am I a bit tired? Nah, I think it's all correctly written, I don't see any remarkable thing missing.

The chapter might seem meaningless, in the sense of that it really adds no information essential for the story, but I think it's a valuable chapter, because it feels real. It doesn't have to happen something extraordinary, or important always, it's just life. Here we see how the friendship between Arka and Zorbels strenghtens, and Arka shares what happened to her. We, as readers, already know (although it's good to have that refreshment) but this chapter feels real because of it shows how the friendship between them grows. Also, describes us a polite Arka, since she prepares all the things she'll need for the travel of the following day, before meeting Zorbels in the evening. A minded dwarf, this Arka.

Part 15: Watching the watch

The krans enter in action. Thanks to previous references, it's assumed that this krans have something to do with the non-faced corpse. They're the typical couple of idiots at the service of the thinking chief. Krans, talls and muscled, little brain... Nilrem couldn't agree more ^^

I had a laugh at the kran getting cold. Kran's organism is a big mistery, let's just say that they're very weird, but the idea of a kran having cold is funny. Krans are too misterious... their hearing sense, their composition... if I had to play a kran I'll make it scary of butterflies.

“Not as stoopid as yoo is.”

 

I must say that this is one of the few times where I understood all the conversation going on, when it's written in that weird way to imitate non-evolved talkative beings, or sort of slangs... so hey, I understood the writing

Mistery... was the rat skinned finally? It's not something that we know with this chapter... but the guard seemed to have the intention to. Better if he hasn't skinned it.

I liked the detail of the seven. The broken tail, I mean. Either you had pictured the plote with some anticipation, or you really solved this greatly. That I recall, the number seven has importance only in here, the "signal" used to mark the rat as the carrier of the message. But the group of the seven is named on previous chapters. If you really planned the story that far, congratulations, it has merit. It's something I never do.

What I liked less is the feeling that the rat was the only thing inside the garbage bag. It is a bit weird... yeah Sudisir might be isolated and all the stuff but, still, if the guard had only to throw away a single rat, why put it in a bag and... oh wait, the gigantic rats? er... well I think the rat size gets justified so people doesn't have to aim with their mouse to double click on them in order to attack them and fail 24 out of 25 tries. 

Nice way of solving the dispute at the end, by introducing other living beings in the story, not main nor secondary characters, but just population. It really adds to the impression of having a complete world, with people living their lives, while this stories we're focusing in go on.

Part 16 Grok Idon

Another part where you use a "known" NPC in the story.
Here we see how Arka dislikes to lie and if she does, is ashamed to do so. And she also recieves a potion from Grok. Item that she might use later on. I like that a lot. To use items others gave you, I mean. Otherwise it looks as if the char alone can do it all. With this, there's a certain feeling of cooperation, and the bounds are kept stronger. Obviously this applies when it's a PC character, but it's good you used Grok, anyway.

While the idea of justifying why Grok's there "catching the passerbys" for its business, there were some things that weren't much of my liking. It's not that I dislike it, but it feels as well, unnecessaryly getting into trouble. The assumption that Grok stays in that spot is a bit risky, as well as the feeling of loneliness. Sure, Grok does stand still there when in game, but I doubt that the real Grok does. In any case, if that's the main road between Hydlaa and Ojaveda, for sure it isn't as desert as sometimes it is in game. In fact, being them two important cities, the commerce between them has to be assumed of a certain level, and certainly not done mainly by two legged beings running the marathon with 100 items on their backs. It's an important commercial route, thus you can put there caravans and karts of all sorts. The road's dangerous, they say. Yes, it's true that there are NPC monsters here and there, and we might justify this because it's an important commercial route, and then they're there because there's where the money is. But, if that's true, it is equally true that there might be scourts for those caravans or karts. Well, I'm deviating a bit from the topic.

Back to the other argument you use. Lots of Ojaveda shops are empty. Yes, from a game perspective. Not in reality. This is really tricky to explain, but you've to imagine that the bakery does have a baker that goes there to sell the bread at certain times. This happens with all the other empty buildings you see. It would be stupid to put an NPC on every building, because then, there would be no space for players using the buildings without "assaulting" an NPC that is there. I must say, though, that this interpretation of the game in strict sense (seeing only what is implemented in it) has been also encouraged by the very NPC dialogues themselves, so this is a problem that comes from within the game itself even. Just to mention how the NPC justify the fact that you cannot go to other Ojaveda dsaars, because of different accidents that keep them closed. This justification, was put there thinking solely in the current game implementation, and, to my eyes, it was an error not yet corrected. This error, though, has motivated certain people to fall into that same mistake, and I think that doesn't enrich the world. I'm not saying that there might not have been an accident in those dsaars that forced to keep them closed for a while, but it's pretty obvious to me, that those dsaars cannot have been closed without a solution since Akkaio map has been put in game.

I recall I commented you something similar, along this lines, in the time you wrote your first book of Arka. I hope it's not only me the one that sees that not fitting completely.

[Nilrem]

Part 17: The Message

Kehela recieves the message and tries to decrypt it (and so we all do when reading that ^^)

I commented you about the code and this chapter as soon as I read it, through PM. I'll then not remark in here the "grammar" mistake that the code has, and the little errors I pointed you in that message.

I'll try to concentrate more on the message itself. Sudisir wrote it while being jailed. He had nothing at hand, except a rat and his own clothing, and, with that, he composed the message. Even if Sudisir is an extraordinarily minded person, the code used isn't obvious, and has to take a lot of time to develop. At least, I did not saw such a code like that one (no I'm not an expert on coding, so no worries in there ^^) but still, it's complicated. The proof is that you commited that little mistake too, when giving us the numbers

The idea of removing threads from the piece of clothing is clever, but it has a flaw. By doing that, you affect the structure of the clothing, making it softer. The piece of clothe isn't wide, and there was the risk that, by this method, once someone took it from inside the rat's mouth it could be just a couple of threads, and not a solid piece of clothing. The  problem here is that you thought separatedly. You thought of Sudisir solely as a message maker (used then Sudisir's tools to make it) and of the rat as a carrier (using it merely as transport)
I've no idea on how to improve the idea you had, in the sense of counting threads between gaps to know the sequence of numbers, but somehow separating the numbers with those gaps seemed counterproductive to me. A thing has come to mind, though. The rat itself. He smashes it against the wall, crashing its head. Blood. I'm not saying that he could have written the numbers with the rat's blood, but, if we still want to mantain your method of counting lines between gaps... why not substitute the gaps by glued portions of clothing? The glue being the blood.
You then could choose to count threads from glued part to glued part, then the glued parts would be nothing more than pulled clothing, glued on the extreme. Or you could use those "hanging" glued parts as the carrier message, having the decypher to count the threads in those hanging parts only. I don't know if I'm making any sense. If I'm not, it's really not that important

The first letter appeared four times in the message. And the number 11 – that must be a vowel. No, not E… The third letter was there, three times. He shook his head. This was not the right approach. Find the key word and it would all fall into place. There was an interesting sequence of 11-17-16. Possibly a word end. Now that would make sense if you moved it two places up.

I've always been shocked at this. I do not understand the logic. I might appear as stupid now, but hey, that's how it feels.
If the first letter is 7... ? Number 11 a vowel ? How does he reach that conclusion? Because he has not yet discovered the "key word" and indeed, after decyphering 11 is  vowel... :S The 3rd letter appears three times... well, the third is strictically again the number 7, but if we omit that one and think about number 5 then... 3 times? And the sequence of 11-17-16 being an end of a word... I wonder why. It indeed is, but... how does he know? I was amazed at this deductions, I failed to see how they were borned.

Another detail to mention... how does Sudisir get the information he puts in the message?  Did he eavesdrop the guards? Gholmyrr says that the information will be known five minutes before the execution time IIRC (I might be wrong in that) but well even the secrest news spread in this city of Hydlaa.

I had a good time, though, trying to solve the code. And if I had been Kahari, Sudisir would have found in me a deaf one for his message ^^ Thanks to your hint, I understood what you meant with the hints that you give, right before the sequence of numbers, and was able to solve it. Yeah, had to be guided like a blind one to cross the street.

Part 18: Following

Here we've a small flashback that tells us how Zorbels had followed Arka out of curiousity.

It's a short chapter, and I would not like my comment to be larger than it. That would be pointless. I'll then say one thing I disliked and one thing I liked.

I disliked:

Arka rounded the stalagmite and for a moment Zorbels thought she was heading for the old ruins, but she took a sharp turn and started to climb the side of the broad valley. Zorbels was pretty sure there was no way through, but Arka seemed to know differently.

I might have a fixation with this, and perhaps I'm not being fully objective when saying this, and even maybe I got lost with the description and I'm not setting the action in the right places. Let's go step by step ^^
You use in game scenarios to settle the action, if possible. That's fine, it helps the reader to identify and recognize the place. Nothing wrong with that, in fact, they're places.
I think that Arka turns to left, from Grok. Left facing Akkaio direction. On old Ojaroad. Ok. So there are the ruins there, yes, and a valley just at its right. I think there's where Arka's heading to. If you went there in the game, there was a point where the map ended, right behind the little mountains of that valley, there was a plane zone, and then the void. I might be wrong but... hey did you actually say there was no way through because of that? I'm reluctant to think that, but, it's just what I thought. It seemed weird. Most certainly I'm wrong in my appreciation, but hey, I've to commit mistakes too. That's the fun of this.

What I liked:
That Zorbels loses Arka. It's a little detail, but shows humanity. In the sense of having real, believable characters. It's not that you've to do big things for that, but simply that fact of not being able to realize where Arka could have gone, shows realism. Later on in the story, I think Nikoren and Pinante? are able to track Arka, but it's good to show some flaws of the characters, and they don't have to be necessarily big to make them feel more real or close. Things like this one you used, or, let's say for instance, we've an enkidukai hiding behind high grass staring at a potential prey and then that grasss caresses the nostrils and... sneeze. The prey goes away. The enki wishes for a handkerchief (beggars powa! ^^) Things not very dramatic nor big, just tiny details, that make stories more real.

19: Suspicions

Hehe...
Good. In here I find somethings to remark.
The first one, we're explained how Sudisir knows about the date advancement. So you answered the question that arose in previous chapters, well done.
Also, we can see Finara... and... yes, she's presented to us as the inspector more focused on feelings, rather that on tangible proves. The couple of classic types of investigators is complete. I guess this means you've read some books on the matter, and I guess this shows you do know what you're dealing with, when you type on your keyboard

I liked also how you make things relate. The facts that go happening. Jefecra thinks that Arka might have run away because of being aware of Sudisir's execution being sooner, and panicking due to that. Fact is that Arka went home, to fulfill a "task" (we're revealed next chapter) and that is Finara, with her intuition, and seeing the things Arka carried, that suggested she might be facing home. That was a nice detail, although I don't recall any rogue presence in the village, even if Jefecra states now that it should be infested. I'll see later on if I recall right.
As a last think, we have again Finara, suspecting of "K", and we know that that suspicion (title of the chapter too) is solid. Not only for what we've read, but it's even increased when we're told about Kehela's past.
A nicely written chapter, and very cinematographic, I think everyone reading this could picture the scenes very well, and even imagined gestures and movements of the characters, that are missing explicitely in the writting, but that due to the immersion you achieved, I guess everyone applied on Jefecra and Finara.

[Nilrem]

20: Home again

We jump to Arka now.
Arka entering the cellar with the light of the candle, resembles a lot those stories about abandoned villages, and certainly, it seems that Arka's one is. Oh... except the rogues... I recall it was supposed to be with rogues around... ^^ let's see...
In any case, one of the things is...

She had taken a candle from her pocket and lit it

I don't know, but I doubt she used matches. It would have been a good addition, to state how she did that. With fire pebbles perhaps? (If they're called that way) with an artifact she has? I don't know, it's a chance to add some flavour to the story, and the immersion. Because, otherwise, the story might have happened in Yliakum, or in a town of the present time. Try always to add something that puts the reader on place, if you've the chance. I mean, don't seek for it, but if you find a situation where this might apply, try to.

We then discovered why Arka left Hydlaa. The action is filled with symbolism, and the fact you wrote the stone in Stonebreakian it's a detail. It relates Arka personality and the work of her life (keeping that language alive) what I missed, though, and I told you in PM as soon as I read the chapter, was a translation. You made a note earlier, "to all of those learning Stonebreakian" and now, in here, while we know the core (it's a tribute to Arka's parents) we still miss what the stone actually has written. We've even the characters in Stonebreakian, thanks to your image, we've the transcription... but we might miss the meaning. Yeah, the dictionary's still on work, so I think it would have been nice the translation of it, or if you did not want to give the translation straight away, at least point to a "clue" on how to translate it (aka point to a website)

Arka town appears as abandoned... perhaps Jefecra was wrong.

21 Enquiries

Finara takes Rabartus, and starts to track Arka.

Finara knew Arka had stayed here before she first came to Hydlaa. That must mean her village was nearer to here than Hydlaa.

Should be there, in all cases, instaed of "here".

“Didn’t see no one else. It was quiet yesterday. Didn’t sell no sabres either. Could I interest you in one?”

   

We jump to Zorbels.

Here, I might have a confusion due to not picturing the scenes correctly.
This is the second time that Zorbels goes through that passage, to search for Arka.
The first time, she looked around, and since she did not see Arka, then forgot about the task of searching for her, and went to Akkaio to spend the night.
Now, she finds traces of a road made by little stones, and that she follows to find the village. While it's true that that night Zorbels knew of the guards searching Arka, and that might have pushed her to find Arka with more will than before, fact is that the other day she was curious about where Arka was going to. Somehow, the fact that she missed the road the other day, but not today, should have been explained better. Perhaps mentioning that the first day she indeed saw that road, but did not follow it for whatever reason. I don't know, perhaps a lighting and she's scared of them?
Somehow this is what troubled me when reading this chapter, I might have confused myself, though, and perhaps the path she took now is different than the one she took before.

22 The Execution

This chapter has flavour. It recalls a lot the stories or movies that anyone might assign to Robin Hood, for example, I think it's one of the chapters that can reach the readers almost in the same way for all. The gibbet adds to that, as well as the crowd gathering to watch the execution happen. I think in "The pillars of the earth" there's a similar thing, so this easies the mental imagination of what happens in the whole chapter.

One more praise, and a slight complain too, and I'll have commented this chapter.

Praise:

How you used magic. As I said earlier, probably I'm absolutely out of the setting, with how I reached to modelate magic, so I've to praise you for having been able to make this chapter, and used the magic with the way the setting talks about. It was smart how you used the glyphs in here. It might have been of use if you had added the solution to the riddle: "Execution in twO days. Four PM. Use bird. Drop within V glyph. Sudisir" I don't know what the V meant, perhaps it referred to the 5th glyph, if the glyphs where put in order somewhere, like in a shelf those the message was addressed to had access? In any case, good work with the glyph usage, I never felt comfortable with the glyph only idea (glyphs being the only way to access magic) but well, it's not that this matters much now.

Little complain:

Nikoren.
Sometimes in a story, you (you is general you) add certain people that is not essential to the development of the plot, but is simply there to add life. To add the feeling of living a life, where not every day has to be extraordinary and filled with adventures. Problem is that Nikoren's a player. I observed you settled him in the action (he comes with Lordbug) but shortly after, he's forgotten (yeah, he'll be retaken when he joins Pinante in the search) something similar happens with Gholmyrr. Also, how the glyph reaches the bird's paw, is not clear. Does the diabolo throw it, then the bird catches it and drops it into Sudisir's mouth? Cause the diabolo helds the glyph, when the bird's already flying... it feels a bit of a halley-hoop of the NBA ;P so my suggestion would be the following. Focus a bit more on the diabolo, how he manages to make the glyph arrive to the bird's claws, and during that, using the diabolo to settle the rest of characters. That is, he looks around and sees Gholmyrr doing whatever... and sees that Nikoren is talking to whoever... that way, with not many lines more, we would have known how the glyph really goes from the diabolo to the bird, and those two characters would have not left "forgotten"

[Arka]

Wow!

This is a really detailed critique Nilrem (did I tell you I was re-writing it?)

In my defense, I must say I was consciously keeping the narratve brief because of the medium (the web) and would expand on the descriptions in a paper - based version, but maybe that's my perception only. I will take your comments when I am re-writing specific chapters - some of the logic did get tangled here and there.

I am glad you like my characterisation - I like to put myself in the otber person's shoes and ask "How would I react to that?" so I am pleased it works.

So far what I am getting:
Paint more compelling pictures - more actions, little quirks, movements
Greater accuracy - ask how would the character do that in that setting
More attention to detail - be clear about how things hang together

This is all helping - many thanks my friend!



Arka