Blooded Satire

[bloodedIrishman]

Who is next?  

[bloodedIrishman]

Eight.

Miners

How is your tea?
Well the water’s fresh
But the herbs are days old
It seems I’m running low
And may journey to the market
Still - While we finish our brew
I’ll mention of places
Called the mines

In mineral deposits around the land
There exists what you would call mines
Resources of value are drawn from the source
And sold by the miners for cost

Rewards depend on their skill
An expert miner knows where the ores hide
Where to strike and swing
And which locations are best suited to the task

They are burdened by temperature;
Summer's simmering heat
And winter's chilling cold
Affect the body, supposedly

The work is exhausting:
Tiring any strongman
Intensive: collapsing the weary
Rest is a necessity

Labor drains the body
They need constant nourishment


Many have said that miners don’t need skill to gather minerals:
A Kran fresh off character creation can amass hundreds of platinum ore overnight to pay for his main character's training.

Many have spoken of miner's resistance to the weather, to the temperature:
For one can garb in full Heavy Armor, a Battle Helmet - while carrying heavy loads of ore, and not faint. One man said to me, "Bro hw ellse can I get my hvy armr///mgic ways up??!?!!" True and truer, my grammatically-retarded friend - how else, how else?

Many have said: most miners ignore the realistic need for rest. As a miner, one can commit many hours of backbreaking labor without the necessity for rest.

Others say: 'why is it miners forget to replenish themselves with food and drink - it is a requirement to live, no less. Why?' They cannot see that a miner posses the innate ability to mine without needing food or drink. No doubt, a gift from the Gods.

Clearly, anyone, with delusional eyes, could see these miners of whom I speak act in a completey logical and in-character manner. For, obviously, they can ignore facts and not roleplay their vocation - because clearly, that's f**** st**id.


Finished already, eh?
Time to restock the fire
And go to bed
Tommorow we'll head to the town
And I'll show you the fine market there

[bloodedIrishman]

Choices for the next satire.

A) The Stonehead.
B) People who complain that the good times have gone forever.
C) Talad worshipers.
D) Another PLer guild.

Send me a PM with your vote my devoted readers!

 

ADDED: The votes are in!
The majority of voters chose A) The Stonehead!  
See below!

Good reading kids.

[Timmothy Perriwinkle]

Do the rockbrain.

I don't do PMS.

[bloodedIrishman]

Nine.

The Stonehead (The Stonehead)

Morning friend
Another welcome day
Given to us by our gods
Be grateful
As each day is a blessing
And while you eat
I’ll tell you a tale
Of a tavern

In Gugrontid there exists a place
Called the Stonehead
Carved from rock
And pitted within the fortress

It is the largest business in the city
Well kept by its staff
With fine food and finer drink
It captures a comfortable setting

It should maintain a healthy economy
And a realistic venture at that
Serving food at cost to pay for inventory and workers
And extra tria for the owner

The Stonehead is a stable and sound business!
Centered on fair and economic pricing!

Some have said that the Stonehead is not a business but an oversized bleeding heart
Soaking up nonexistent funds and handing them out to the masses
That it is the largest soup kitchen in the land
That it is unrealistic for the largest business in a city to have no income,

The Stonehead is a stable and sound business!
Centered on fair and economic pricing!

Some have said that the Stonehead is part of a failing economy
That it is ridiculous to believe a benefactor would pay for the tavern
That somehow a Vigesimi would pay from their pocket to support the business
Because somehow, in a place where large amounts of soldiers, miners, wanderers and citizen patrons eat and drink, it is entirely  R-E-A-L-I-S-T-I-C for a VIGESIMI to pay for the MASSIVE costs: gaining no income whatsoever

The Stonehead is a stable and sound business!
Centered on fair and economic pricing!

What? You agree with these critics? You say that this so-called business venture sounds like a sham? You say it sounds unrealistic that a business gathering no income could be so large, well kept by a happy staff, high quality food and drink, and actually have a modest atmosphere?

Fool, stop using your mind!

What? You say this Vigesimi has to be the biggest sucker around? You say as a Vigesimi you’d think he would know business and if he were as kind-hearted as he is portrayed, but true to his vocation, that he would have a business with prices that gathered income but did not duty the customers heavily? You say it would be far more realistic if the Vigesimi was using the Stonehead as a cover for underhanded dealings?

Don’t make me laugh!

Finished so quickly?
You must be excited to see the town,
It lies not far from my home,
Along the road west of the fork,
Pick up those leather satchels in the corner,
And follow me

[BLERGHtrue]

EDIT: didn't notice later poems. neverrmind 

[bloodedIrishman]

Choices for the next satire.

A) RP Cliques.
B) People who plan every roleplay they do.
C) Talad worshippers.
D) People who recycle alts for all their roleplays.

Send me a PM with your votes my devoted readers!

 

ADDED: The votes are in!

B) People who plan every roleplay they do.

  Stay tuned! This is going to be scathing!

[bloodedIrishman]

Ten.

The Acting Troop (Roleplay scripters)

The sun’s out
The road we walk on is paved
And a breeze refreshes us
I’ll tell you; it’s a gorgeous day
I’ll stop my prattling and tell a tale
Have you ever heard of the 'Acting Troop'?

In Hydlaa there are a group of performers
Called the Acting Troop
They present plays and scenes
And assume the role of a character

They are experts at improvisational skills
Able to react to any circumstance
Quick to respond with apt action
And accepting if a plan goes awry

They are masters of plot twists
Of turns in the tales,
These catch the audience unawares
And enrich the storyline

Unfortunately, I am nearly alone in my appraisals!

Others have stated that these actors are terrible at improvisation
Believing these performers are lackluster at facing unknown variables
That without their script they are a poor show
And are below street entertainers in this respect

Friend, you say that if a roleplay is without improvisation, -IT IS NOT ROLEPLAYING AT ALL?- THAT IT IS JUST A WRITTEN STORY, AND -NOT- ROLEPLAY?!

Others have stated that these actors do not follow plot twists
That in fact, these plot twists are lies
Because how could it be a good roleplaying plot twist when it has been planned and rehearsed?
Friend you say that plot twists should surprise everyone involved? And what in Talad’s name are roleplays?

Evidently these actors are far underrated
Simply because they plan out all their scenes
That does not make the plays pointless
Does it?
Honestly, it cannot be that in these situations where anything can go one way or another that a character is truly developed.
It is not as if a planned roleplay stymies a characters growth.

What? You say planning all the roleplays is Ulbernaut excrement? You say it's a trepor turd in every real roleplayer's face?

That is all I have to say of them: For they tell a good story friend.
What? You say it doesn't matter if it's a good story or not? You say they should take that crap elsewhere?
You say a roleplayer assumes the role of a character; and develops that characters identity, through any situation, without fully strategizing it OOCly?

Haha! This argument is going nowhere, for your reasoning has no place in this aspect of Yliakum life.

My tale did not siphon off enough time
And we have a ways to go
Shoulder your pack
And we'll quicken our pace
For our safety
As I have heard bandits roam these days

[bloodedIrishman]

I have been given requests for topics to satirize, so if you have one send it in.

The satires will resume soon.

[bloodedIrishman]

Eleven.

Godmodding, I never knew

My new friend
Have I yet to tell you
of an odd encounter
chanced in Kada-El's tavern
of Hydlaa?
No?
Well,
it went like this...

That day, I happened to pass the Smithy of Harnquist. There, I noticed a cloaked figure, reading the message board. Walking through, I journeyed to the Kada-el's Tavern; to quench my thirst. There, inside of the tavern common room, sipping a beer, aside the bartender, the cloaked figure entered from behind my back, and proffered  his hand for a shake.

Laughing, I told him to take his hand and shove it in the bed sheets he was wearing. Successively, he threw a poster of, presumably, me, though I must say it was not fitting in its description of my sumptuous attire nor my sexy attributes, at me. Later I learned it was offering bounty for my head - and had been posted to the Hydlaa Message Board.

Then, in the same set of motion, he began to cast a spell of Dark Way. Now, I remind you, this is inside of Kada-el's, where Allelia serves drinks. This is also next to a Guard Tower - and a High Officer in the Hydlaa Guard, Jefecra.

I then stepped into OOC mode and reminded him I do not fight inside of the cities, especially not Kada-el's. Following this statement, the cloaked figure told me the wanted poster was sanctioned. I responded: no player-made wanted poster was sanctioned, and any fighting within the city is also illegal. The person then named me a godmodder and left.

Truly, you, cloaked figure, had revealed me the truth. To fight inside of the largest establishment of business in a city, next to towers and guards, is certainly not foolish or out-of-character fighting. In actuality, to not fight inside of Kada-el's would be godmodding. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.


And that is the tale
Short though it may be
It tells of a delusional dolt
and a sexy mocker



(You have to check the conversation pertaining to this. It is hilarious.  )

[Vilthis Trayus]

Self confessed, I the 'cloaked figure'. Notable Irony stems from character inconsistency. "Kull" A law disregarding character relying on the 'law' in selfish selection of his predicament. "Godmoddish" as I'll define it.

The law in relation to citizen arrest is an uncodified doctrine within the substantive law of the Octarchy. In light of the circumstance a tussle would alert the guards much towards my favour to effect the arrest. Arguably on a balance, conducts are justified to a reasonable man. But hey, illegality hasn't stopped you from doing anything illegal hasn't it? Robbery and murder? It's never about the Law, just you, Kull Rhundin the Selfish.

Kull's inconsistent RP worries me. He however has the selective rights which i don't deny, though I'm confident none of us here would be quite keen on RPing with a player with such selfish selectivity. Getting Robbed with no future prospect of equitable remedies? Hardly sounds appealing.

Don't RP a baddie if you can't take the heat. Cry more.

[bloodedIrishman]

I don't fight anywhere in the cities except for sewers, the Laanx dungeon, the Arena and on special occasions an alleyway or the secluded halls of the temple. Otherwise because NPC guards cant apprehend or attend to fights, and because GM guards are barely around, fighting in any place with guards at duty is foolish and I just don't do it. It also includes being branded with not knowing the RP rules. Being able to take the heat isn't the issue, you can find me and fight me anywhere except the cities. That's about it. Selfish? No. I don't antagonize or harass inside the city to my selfish advantage. I also didn't have Kull use the law to defend himself, at the moment you wanted to fight in the tavern I went 'OOC' and said no, it was no longer 'IC' for me.

You can ask me if we can fight outside the city and that's cool with me. Sure it's annoying to have someone say no when you want to attack them, but I explained myself and that's it.

[Vilthis Trayus]

Essentially, it's your reasoning so don't bring "the law" into the context.

Effectively your reply made the whole rant laughably contradicting.

"I also didn't have Kull use the law to defend himself, at the moment you wanted to fight in the tavern I went 'OOC' and said no, it was no longer 'IC' for me."

You cited IC reasons however.

"I said any player made wanted poster was not sanctioned and any fighting within the city was illegal. He then called me a godmodder and left."

I'm lacking any confidence in future dealings with you. So would it be for other players.

[bloodedIrishman]

Essentially, it's your reasoning so don't bring "the law" into the context.

Fact is, the law can't even be enforced by the lawmakers currently in the game, so as players we use reasoning to work around this.

Effectively your reply made the whole rant laughably contradicting.

No.

I'm lacking any confidence in future dealings with you. So would it be for other players.

I honestly don't care if one person likes me and doesn't want to roleplay with me. Because the game is the way it is, with mechanics so limited and opinions on it so diverse, every time people roleplay together there are and always will be arguments about what is right and what is not. I told you I don't fight in the cities (except under the special circumstances) and that's it.

[Akkaido Kivikar]

Siding with Vilthis here.

'Nuff said.