jokes

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Riddles

1. A \"Wise King\" devised a contest to see who would receive the Princess hand in marriage.

The Princess was put in a 50x50 foot carpeted room. Each of her four suitors were put in one corner of the room with a small box to stand on. The first one to touch the Princess hand would be the winner and become the new King.

The rules of the test were that the contestants could not walk over the carpet, cross the plane of the carpet, or hang from anything; nor could they use anything but their body and wits (i.e. no magic or telepathy, nor any items such as ladders, block and tackles, etc.).

One suitor figured out a way and married the Princess and became the new King.

How did he figure it out?


2. A 6-foot tall Magician had a water glass and was holding the glass above his head. He let it drop to the carpet without spilling a single drop of water.

How could he manage to drop the glass from a height of six feet and not spill a drop of water?


3. A babysitter came over one day to babysit 10 children. She decided to give them a snack. In a jar there were 10 cookies. She wants to give each one a cookie, but still keep one in the jar. How will she do it? (WITHOUT BREAKING ANY COOKIES-EACH CHILD HAS TO GET A WHOLE!)


4. A beggar\'s brother died, but the man who died had no brother.

How could this be?


5. A black dog stands in the middle of an intersecton in a town painted black. None of the street lights are working due to a power failure caused by a storm. A car with two broken headlights drives towards the dog but turns in time to avoid hitting him. How could the driver have seen the dog in time?


6. A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, \"If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50.\"

The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he\'ll just say he weighs more or less.

In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?


7. A bus driver was heading down a street in Colorado. He went right past a stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a \"no left turn\" sign, and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he went on the left side of the road past a cop car. Still - he didn\'t break any traffic laws. Why not?

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Visual Riddles[/u]
To answer these riddles you must find out what the picture means. Example:

This means eyedrop because the \"I\" is dropping.

Visual Riddle #1:


Visual Riddle #2:


Visual Riddle #3:


Visual Riddle #4:

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Illusions


Illusion #1:



Illusion #2:



Illusion #3:

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Just some random Jokes:





If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?



I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
\"Where\'s the self-help section?\"

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.



How do you get off of a non-stop flight?



What happens if you put
a slinky on an escalator?



When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me,
\'Did you sleep good?\'

I said,
\'No, I made a few mistakes



If a mute kid swears,
should his mother
wash his hands with soap?



Do people in Australia, call the rest
of the world, \"Up Over\" ?



Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victoms?



If it\'s zero degrees outside today
and it\'s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?



Is it true cannibals don\'t eat clowns because they taste funny?



Right now I\'m having amnesia
and deja vu at the same time.
I think I\'ve forgotten this before.



I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door.
I said, \'Hey, the sign says you\'re open 24 hours.\'
He said, \'Yes, but not in a row.\'



I knew a guy who was a clown.
When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.



I have an inferiority complex.
But it\'s not a very good one.



If you are sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?



Do they give pilots crash courses
in flight school?



If you\'re cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you see okay?



Something\'s wrong with my television set.
I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman.



Why do people drive on the Parkway and park on the driveway?



The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
\"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year\".



I went to a general store.
They wouldn\'t let me buy anything specifically.



Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang \'Happy Birthday\'.



Can u get cornered in a circular room?



I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.



A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.



Trees that grow in smoggy cities
are needed to make carbon paper.



I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won\'t run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.



If a parsley farmer loses a law suit,
do they garnish his wages?



If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?



My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don\'t know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

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Knock-Knock Jokes


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Etta.
Etta who?
Etta Cat yesterday. It was gross.


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Dogs.
Dogs who?
No they don\'t. Dogs bark.


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to keep telling knock-knock jokes?


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the key hole and see.


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Midas.
Midas who?
Midas well relax. I\'m not going away.


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Adair.
Adair who?
Adair you to open this door!


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Nod.
Nod who?
Nod you again!


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Manuel.
Manuel who?
Manuel be sorry if you don\'t unlock this door!


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Me.
Me who?
Don\'t you know your own name?


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Dishers.
Dishers who?
Dishers me. Who is you?


Knock-knock.
Who\'s there?
Max.
Max who?
Max no difference. Let me in.

[Phinehas]

Personal opinion: Knock knock jokes aren\'t worth the space they take up.

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Dumb Blonde Jokes

SHE WAS SO BLONDE, THAT...

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of \"Walk\" and \"Don\'t Walk\".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where is says \"Sign here\", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she\'d be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, \"Look! They spelled Macy\'s wrong!\".

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said \"Concentrate\".

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Phinehas, Yes I know Knock-Knock Jokes aren\'t that great but I just post any jokes that I can find

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more random Jokes:



What\'s another word for Thesaurus?



When I was crossing the border into Canada,
they asked if I had any firearms with me.
I said, \'Well, what do you need?\'



Why doesn\'t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?



You know how it is when
you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is?



My watch is three hours fast,
and I can\'t fix it.
So I\'m going to move to New York.



Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?



What do you do when you see an endangered
animal that eats only endangered plants?



One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.



Why is it illegal to park in a
handicapped parking space but okay
to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?



Can you buy an entire chess set
in a pawn shop?



When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...
Eventually.



If you tell a joke on an unanswered thread, and nobody laughs, was it a joke?



How do you write zero in Roman Numerals?



Why do they use sterile needles
for lethal injections?



My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I\'m good, she\'ll give me the other one next year.



For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...

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Lawyers[/u]


Why won\'t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.



Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Three...the rest are all true.



Q: What\'s the difference between a dead lawer in the middle of the road and a dead rattlesnake in the middle of the road?
A: There is skid marks before the snake



The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator...

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they arrive at the gates, there\'s a mad rush of angels, saints, and other holy people on their way to greet them.
When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, \"Don\'t feel bad. We get popes in here all the time, it\'s not every day we get a lawyer.\"



There was this lawyer who drove his shiny ...

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his lawyer buddies. As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it right off.
The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying \"Are you alright, are you alright?\"

The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. \"What the hell do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus...Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!\"

Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, \"Calm down! You lawyers are so materialistic it\'s disgusting! Don\'t you know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?\"

The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said \"Oh, God, . . . my ROLEX!\"



Lawyers and Blondes, oh my!

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn\'t know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn\'t know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, \"What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?\" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, \"What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?\" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.



It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

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24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...[/b]

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: \"Shut up, ****it, all of you just shut UP!\"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of \"It\'s a Small World\" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: \"Got enough air in there?\"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go \"plink\" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: \"I\'ve got new socks on!\"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: \"Oh, no, not now, **** motion sickness!\"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler \"Chutes away!\" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says \"human head\" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce \"You\'re one of THEM!\" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers \"through\" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask \"is that your beeper?\"

17. Say \"Ding!\" at each floor.

18. Say \"I wonder what all these do\" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your \"personal space.\"

21. Announce in a demonic voice: \"I must find a more suitable host body.\"

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear \"X-Ray Specs\" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

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more jokes


I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...



My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn\'t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.



I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.



Do they use the fridge to warm up food in sub-zero temperatures?



\'You\'re so stupid that you looked up at the MACY\'s sign and said,\'\'Dang...they spelled YMCA wrong\'



A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. Well, I\'d like to go to Hawaii. But, I\'m afraid of flying and I don\'t like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii, says the man.
That\'s impossible! says the genie, You\'ll have to make another wish.
Ok, I want to know how to be a sucessful internet executive. says the man.
How many lanes do you want on that bridge? asks the genie.



I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy \'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?\' He said \'I don\'t know\'. I said \'I don\'t want your job\'.



What happens to you when you find out a blonde passed a test?
You wake up.



I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.



Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can\'t hear him talk.



Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a women who can\'t afford her own washing machine won\'t be able to support you!



I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.