Author Topic: My tale  (Read 781 times)

Zan

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My tale
« on: April 30, 2005, 05:40:45 pm »
A prelude ...

?There he is!? A Nolthrir erupted from the calm nightly waters with his hand stretched out towards a chaotic patch of uncultivated seaweed. A few moments later several more broke through the surface, mostly armed with crystal scythes used to work the seaweed. One man, bearing a dark green robe and his young and strong features broken by pure white hair falling in his rather handsome face, was armed with a silver blade, which reflected the dim light of the crystal onto the rippling water. It was highly unusual to see a Nolthrir armed with a weapon of this kind, especially in the water. Normally crystal tools and weapons are preferred for their light weight and since they aren?t affected by the water itself. ?After him!? the man with the silver weapon hissed. The group of men swam towards the dark patch as fast as they could. They were hunting one of their own tonight, an outcast who made the mistake of returning to the lake he was born in and disturbing the peaceful Nolthrir society. When the crystal appeared from behind the clouds they could see an elf struggling through long strains of seaweed, his hiding place had become an obstruction in escape and it seemed that the man whom, judging by the marks of time and struggles on his dark wrinkly green skin, has had his best time was about to fall prey to the band of enraged young men. Suddenly a small boat appeared from the dark shores and moved directly in the path of the men. ?Halt, who dares disturb the night around my manor?? A low commanding voice echoed across the water as lanterns were lit. The men in the water came to a sudden halt while they noticed two other vessels dooming up at their flanks. All three the boats were manned by armoured men bearing the sign of Lord Brakon. The voice came from the lord himself, standing on the first boat and looking down upon the band of men waiting for an answer. The man with the silver sword spoke: ?Milord, we are in our right  ... that man is a sholnar. An outcast who sought to return to the place he was banished from. Let us pass!? The men started to dive under the boats as Lord Brakon signalled his troops to lower the fishing nets, trapping the group of vigilantes. After a few moments they resurfaced. ?But the law states ? ?Lord Brakon swung his fine crystal blade through the water silencing everyone. ?The law states that you are trespassing on my waters, you are to cease your chase immediately and return to my manor without resisting so that I can report this incident to the proper authorities!? Brakon?s guards unsheathed their swords to discourage any violent thoughts. A few sighs were heard and the young men yielded. One by one they were disarmed and helped on the boats. In the meanwhile the old man had managed to escape out of the seaweeds and fled. After the men were brought into the barracks and interrogated it appeared that their leader, the man in the green robes had cut through the nets and managed to escape. They were hunting down an old fool who dabbled in forbidden dark arts and was banished from the Lake for spreading false rumours and trying to create a revolt against the current Nolthrir councils.

The captives are let into a large stone hall, lit up by numerous crystalfueled torches and decorated by half a dozen banners bearing the sign of the Brakon manor, an azure green crystal entangled in fiery Sulphra weeds that only grow in the hot springs on Lord Brakon?s land. This sign commands awe and respect for both those of Nolthrir origin and the people that inhabit the dry land near the lake. The combinations of the three elements represented by the watery nature of the Nolthrir, the energetic crystal and the burning seaweed is a symbol of strength, only given to the most worthy noble family of marine elves. That same family is responsible for guarding the hearth of their society, the grand lake saturated by a variety of seaweed, from poachers and plunders. Lord Brakon owns all three grand crystal castles build on the coastal areas to serve as outposts, along with the second largest elven force inferior only to the peacekeeper army, under the direct control of both Octarchs. Lord Brakon is a potent man with slightly greying hair, falling across his face where one remarkable scar, right under his left eye makes sure you will never forget his face. He emanates natural leadership, dressed in his azure green tunic and pants in another shade of green detailed with crimson decorations. The outfit would probably be a loose fit for most other elves but Lord Brakon was well built and muscular man, especially for a Nolthrir. ?I want you all to return to your homes and forget about the old man you were chasing.? The men stood there still dazed by the recent events ?But ? What about our possessions?? one of them protested. ?Your weapons will remain here, I assure you my farmers can make good use of them. Now in the case I didn?t make myself clear.? Lord Brakon waited a few moments until he had their complete attention. ?Those who don?t wish to accept my generous offer are free to remain in my manor. I have some empty prison cells left to house you in until we can settle this officially.? The group didn?t need any more convincing, they weren?t foolish enough to go against a noble?s orders. Definitely not one as influential as Brakon so the men left without saying another word and disappeared back into the lake.

?You can come out now, old man.? Lord Brakon turned towards a door to his right, behind a pillar, which was standing open just enough for the person behind it to hear everything going on in the hall. A weary old elf, dressed in rags with thin grey hair scattered across his wrinkly head appeared cautiously from behind the wooden door, glancing through the large hall. ?A  ... are they gone?? he asked with a vibrating voice. ?Yes, I sent them off  ... but tell me old man. Why should I help a sholnar like yourself who broke the law, not once but twice by returning after being banished?? After a few moments the old beggar?s eyes turned to Lord Brakon, finally convinced they had actually left. ?I ? erm ? mi ? You!? Lord Brakon?s eyes widened for a second as the fragile voice of his refugee suddenly rose in tone and left a vibrating echo emanating through his halls. ?I have seen you before  ... no  ... yes. It is you! Praise to the Gods!? The man fell to his knees with his face in his hands. Brakon was obviously confused by this action and picked him off the floor. ?You have yet to answer my question ... what was your name again?? The man looked up into Lord Brakon?s eyes and smiled for a second before his face turned grim again. ?My name is not important. We have no time to lose... I must warn you. They will come soon. They are coming for you!? He gripped lord Brakon?s arm, nearly tearing the fabric to shreds. ?The dark army will come for you! You must flee... flee to upper Yliakum... there your son will be safe.? Brakon lost his temper and threw the man on the ground. ?My son?! How do you know about that! I haven?t even told anyone my wife is pregnant yet ??
?I ?m sorry milord  ... no time to explain  ... leave  ... leave now if you value your family.? He scrambled back up and dusted his rags, rather pointlessly, off ?Your son, Zan ? must live.? The old man was tiring himself out, after all he had been through today this was becoming too much for him. He tried to catch his breath while Lord Brakon was still figuring out how the old man could possibly know about his child. ?I cannot simply leave everything behind and flee because of the ramblings of an old fool. I have duties to attend to, people that count on me... besides why should I believe yo..? The old man had collapsed in a chair, snoring silently. It seemed his age had finally caught up with him. Lord Brakon sighed and called his servants, ordering them to put him in one of the guest chambers to let him recover.

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Continued in the next post ...
« Last Edit: December 15, 2005, 06:15:22 am by Zan »
Zan Drithor, Member of the Vaalnor Council
Tyrnal Relhorn, Captain of the Vaalguard
Thromdir Shoake, Merchant
Giorn Kleaver, Miner.

Grayne Dholm, Follower of Dakkru

Zan

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« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2005, 05:41:17 pm »
After checking up on his peculiar guests the noble Nolthrir wandered through the halls of his manor, attempting to see through the cloud that was cast over his thoughts by these recent events. He had no reason to believe the dubious words of a stranger, especially not a sholnar. A dark army was coming for him, any sane man would discard that as mere dramatic ramblings caused by an illness of the mind. Things like that only happen in stories and legends. Then again how could the old man have known about the child he is expecting, a son even but who is to say it won?t be a daughter. It must have been a lucky guess. After all, all the nobles of his age are expected to have an heir to claim his title. Lord Brakor realized it was almost getting light and that his pregnant wife was probably still waiting up for him, worried. So he decided to return to his chambers and get some sleep while he still had the time, the matter could wait until later.
?Ziorn, finally you?re coming to bed now?? His wife; Riallana, was a fair woman even at this hour without the appropriate trinkets and aids common for noble born female elves she looked radiant and vivid. Her light green skin was covered by a thin white nightgown, showing her natural curves which included the ones obviously caused by pregnancy at this stage. Her deep blue eyes stood out like shining diamonds in a granite rock and were definitely her most distinct feature. ?I have been thinking while you were gone and I think I found a name ? for our baby.? Riallana smiled as she welcomed her husband to their comfortable bed. ?I was thinking about Viarna for a girl and Zan for a boy.? Ziorn Brakon?s heart jumped in his throat and he froze in the middle of the room. Before he could say anything there was a loud explosion somewhere in the manor followed by the sounding of horns. Ziorn rushed instinctively to the bed to protect his wife while they could hear armoured men running through the halls and one of his personal guards entered the room. ?My lord, we are under attack. You must get out of he-? Before the man could finish his sentence a silver dagger, decorated by a piece of dark crystal at the end of the handle, drew a thin red line across the guard?s exposed neck followed by a waterfall of blood and a thump as the now dead guard dropped to the floor. ?Milord, we meet again.? A robed elf, the one who escaped before, appeared behind the dead guard. He sheathed his dagger with his left hand while gazing around the room for a second and then bowed with a subtle sarcastic smirk on his face. Brakon tried to rush to his sword, which he left on the cabinet right next to the door but was soon stopped by a silver blade decorated with similar dark crystals. ?I wouldn?t do that if I were you milord. By now your castle is completely under my control, it wasn?t that hard to eliminate the guards who weren?t loyal to me already you know. But don?t worry.? The man forced Lord Brakon back to the bed with the tip of his blade. ?I ?m not going to kill you  ... yet.? He smiled as he looked straight at the swollen belly of Ziorn?s wife. ?There are some matters I need to take care of first.? The dark elf sheathed his sword and walked out of the room.

Ziorn rushed to the door, grabbing his sword in the progress, in an attempt to escape but he was too late. The lock clicked in place and he could hear a grinding sound as the key turned. He turned around and rushed to the window, where he saw a group of men standing below. Some of them were clad in dark green cloaks while others were wearing his guards? attire. ?That elf was right.? Both sides were chatting and laughing with each other, his men really had betrayed him and his house. Suddenly he got distracted by a bone chilling scream followed by huffing and puffing. Lord Brakon turned around to find his wife about to give birth, apparently the entire commotion had induced labour about a week early. Brakon?s natural instincts made him push his current situation into the back of his mind and allowed him to tend to his wife as best as possible. He ripped the covers off their bed, seeing that she really was giving birth by the mess on the bed. Even though this was their firstborn child and the circumstances were grim, it seemed the gods were finally favouring them when little Zan was born at the break of dawn. After a shared moment of bliss the cold hard truth rushed back into their minds, flooding every joyful thought. They were still trapped and for some reason this child, this utterly helpless little person, played a key part in everything that was going on. Lord Brakon tightened his fist around his sword until his knuckles turned white, deciding they had to escape. Without a word he started tearing the bedlinnen into long strips and tying them together into a rope. His wife, utterly exhausted from the labour clasped her baby into her arms and tried to clean him up as good as possible. After Ziorn was done with the improvised rope he took up a basket, filled it with fabric and handed it to his wife. ?He?ll be safe in there. We have to leave before they return.? Riallana bursted out into tears as she kissed little Zan and wrapped him in the blanket she knitted earlier that night, already bearing his name. ?I can?t ?? Riallana said while placing the baby into the basket. ?I can barely move. You can escape, I ?d only slow you down.? Lord Brakon tied the rope to the baby?s basket and grabbed his wife. ?I won?t leave you alone here, we?ll escape together.? Riallana kissed her husband one last time and pulled herself away from him. ?Go! Save our son! ? It is the only way you stand a chance, you know it.? And he did know she spoke the truth. After a few endless moments he tore his gaze away from her, his heart already numb if not completely shattered, and started lowering the baby out of the window.

Below the window one of the guards heard the noise and looked up to see what was coming down. When he saw there was a baby in the basket he called another man, probably unsure of what to do. But before they could even pick up the child, Lord Brakon launched himself out of the window landing on one of the guards crushing him with his weight. He rolled back onto his feet and drove the handle of his sword into the other guard?s stomach with as much power as he could muster. This sent the guard keeling over to the front as Lord Brakon twisted on his feet and chopped the traitor?s head off with one clean cut. In the meanwhile a third man noticed the fight and came rushing in from behind. His strike was blocked rather easily by a surprisingly swift Brakon and instantaneously the furious father cut the man almost in half from shoulder to waist with one fluid move. Since all the other guards were too far off and barely got the time to realize what was going on, Brakon picked up his son and rushed out through a back door, normally used as a service entrance. With a handful of men on his heels and vaguely hearing his wife scream in the background Lord Brakon ran for his life towards the lake. If he could make it to one of the underwater guard towers he would be safe. The nobleman rushed past the houses that were built around his manor but everyone was still sleeping and unaware of the tragedy that occurred only half a mile back. He could already see the majestic lake dooming up beyond the last houses ? when he saw a group of cloaked men patrolling the the shore. Ziorn glanced back over his shoulder and realized he stood no chance. Half a dozen men were mere seconds behind him while about twenty men were awaiting him at the shore. He glanced at Zan one last time and screamed out while he ran past the last houses of Ylian farmers. Lord Brakon rushed straight at the group of men, now made aware of his presence ? without the basket.
 
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A short story I wrote in a few hours, meant to serve as a prelude to my own character\'s history. I hope you enjoyed reading it and always appreciate constructive criticism.

I \'m not natively english though so there are probably quite a few grammatical screwups in there .. hopefully it won\'t break down the story too much.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2005, 06:58:17 am by Zan »
Zan Drithor, Member of the Vaalnor Council
Tyrnal Relhorn, Captain of the Vaalguard
Thromdir Shoake, Merchant
Giorn Kleaver, Miner.

Grayne Dholm, Follower of Dakkru

Robinmagus

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« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2005, 09:04:53 pm »
The dramatic start at the prelude was great. you also had alot of detail there, i feel the detail lessened but was still good. Great story, but in the second one, you get recruited by a fool named robin??right??

PS. for someone not english, that was great!
« Last Edit: April 30, 2005, 09:05:50 pm by Robinmagus »
Talamir - DeT, Dark Empire, etc, etc, etc.

Under the moon

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« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2005, 09:39:54 pm »
Hmmm... Seems as if you are noble born...and I was just making that up (refering to the festival forums).

A few things, though. I am confused as to where this tale takes place. At one point, the old man says to go to Yliakum (which is the world of PS). In another, you mention a moon (which Yliakum does not have). Please clarify.

Also, I would separate the large blocks of text a bit. Dialogue is easier to read if each persons speech is started in a new paragragh.

Other than that, bravo! A job well done.

Zan

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« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2005, 02:21:46 am »
Robin, of course you \'d be a part of the rest of my story ;) I couldn\'t forget the Raven Guard who took me up when I just arrived in Hydlaa and their foolish leaders :P

And about the detail .. it \'s probably because I was finishing the story around 1 am, didn\'t even have time to review it.

UtM, talk about a coincidence. Haven\'t read your history though since the website is giving me trouble again but I will get onto it. And yes Zan is noble born but clueless of his past.

The \"go to Yliakum\" part is a slip up I missed .. he was supposed to say \"Go to upper Yliakum\". Thanks for pointing that one out. Also with the moon thing you have a point I hadn\'t considered yet.

And yes I know stories are usually written in the way you say it, starting a new line with every person speaking like that. Had that criticism often lol. I \'ve never really gotten it though and kind of ignored that rule on purpose.

editted the story .. might restructure it later.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2005, 02:26:23 am by Zan »
Zan Drithor, Member of the Vaalnor Council
Tyrnal Relhorn, Captain of the Vaalguard
Thromdir Shoake, Merchant
Giorn Kleaver, Miner.

Grayne Dholm, Follower of Dakkru

Phinehas

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« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2005, 10:04:28 am »
Fantastic! Really, quite a good read. Very interesting. I really must write more myself. I wish I had a computer at home, \'cause evenings are when I want to read stuff like this. As it is, with no home comp, I don\'t do near the amount of reading and writing that I\'d like to.

Under the moon

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« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2005, 11:01:11 am »
Yes, Phin, get a home comp so you can spend the next few weeks reading CoS. XD.

@Zan> The edits helped. Thanks, that was bothering me a bit. I will go over it again sometime and see if I can come up with any more pointers. :)

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« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2005, 11:03:06 am »
Quote
Originally posted by Under the moon
Yes, Phin, get a home comp so you can spend the next few weeks reading CoS. XD.

You read my thoughts. Seriously though, I would love to read that, and do more writing of my own, but it\'s not something I can do during the day when I\'m in the midst of \"real life\".