Author Topic: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!  (Read 3118 times)

Phinehas

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I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« on: July 05, 2005, 01:20:25 am »
Ok everyone, just so you know, I'm writing this in this post, as in, I didn't write it on a computer and then copy it here. That's because I don't have my own computer, so I have to make do with what I can find. This means that this is a first draft, so please keep that in mind when you criticize. Do criticize by all means. The other thing that I'd like you to remember is that it's late and I'm tired. I say that because I'm worried that this may seem pointless or incoherent. The general idea for writing this was to give you a bit more insight into who Phinehas is. Bear that in mind. It's not meant to be a riveting action story, as my last story was. So again, be gentle with the criticism. There is a bit of action at the end, for those who have the patience to get to it. :)


Night had descended on Hydlaa. The thick air covered the city like a blanket, muffling the usual sounds of the night. High above, the Azure sun shone dimly, barely lighting the sprawling city. The streets were abnormaly quiet and dark, the only signs of life being a few upper windows lit by the light of fireplaces within, and a few stragglers heading home after a long summer's day.

One of these was moving slower than the others. He was a small Lemur, short and slight. Walking was obviously not easy for him, as he leant heavily on his cane in a vain attempt to make up for his pronounced limp. His purple robes covered his entire body other than his head, which was open despite the cool night air. He moved even slower than usual, obviously distracted by his thoughts.

Pain and exhaustion. These are what fill Phinehas' mind on his nightly trek to the tavern. Things have been hard. Especially since Tybalt left the land. He missed his friend. He missed the one person who understood him, who was willing to make the effort to see through his pain and bitterness, arrogance and sarcasm. His one true friend. It also hurt to have to let Ashes go. Ashes had been good to him. It even hurt to have to explain to Cyl that Ashes would be no more. The young Dermorian didn't like it, and Phinehas didn't like to hurt him, despite the fact that most people believed Phinehas had no feelings. Eventually Cyl accepted the wisdom behind Phinehas' reasoning, but that hadn't made it any easier to bear.

Now he was alone. Oh sure, he had friends, but none that were close. He hadn't a single friend that truly understood him. Of course, he never had, but Tybalt had come close, as had Dyari and Zeus. Now he had none. Cyl, although not much younger than Phinehas, was still a youth in ways that Phinehas had never been.

Pain and exhaustion. These two feelings had been part of his life for as long as he could remember. Part of why he never got along with others. They were the reason behind his inability to tolerate those who wasted his time. They were why he blew up over small things that others didn't even notice. His life was filled with pain and exhaustion. He had once heard that in the Hydlaa Guard training, they taught you to embrace pain. That was an amusing thought. If those instructors had a glimpse of the pain that he dealt with every minute of every day, they would probably wet themselves.

Was life even worth living any more? What did he have to live for? Ah yes, the magic. Curse the magic! And yet, and yet... he couldn't help himself. He loved it. It was his life, for better or worse. He hated it with a passion, hated what it had done to him, what it had made him. But he loved it, too. Loved it's power, loved the way it came naturally to him, loved the possibilities it gave. His curse and his blessing. He was so young, but already he knew so much. He understood so much more than any other arcanist his age. At the same time, however, he knew so little. Progress was painstakingly slow. His vow to never wield power that he didn't understand was ultimately right, but at times it was tempting to give in. To wield the power without understanding the forces behind it. Like the others.

He was a succes and a failure. He was lost in the shadow of mages such as Xordan and the members of the Arcane Order. Doomed to always be one step behind them, due to his need to understand. Draklar had laughed at him for his love of book-learning. Draklar had been mistaken. Phinehas knew what he was doing. Unlike other mages, he understood what took place when he used the arcane forces. He knew that one day this would make him the greatest of the mages. When the others learned to cast all of the spells in their books, they would be stuck. Limited by their lack of understanding, hampered by their inability to let their imagination find new ways of manipulating forces, they would be trapped into casting the old spells over and over again, unable to create their own. Their understanding of magic was limited to which hand motions and words were necessary for a desired effect. He, however, knew that magic was much more than chanted words, or mystical power tied to symbols. He loved magic.

Everything about magic was his to master. Except for the Crystal and Dark Ways. Oh, he studied them. He understood them to a degree, but he was ever wary of using them. He was his own master, not slave to either light or dark. He knew that the usage of these two Ways had a tendency to shape the wielder's character, and he had no desire for that, so he limited himself to the four neutral Ways. He would control the magic, it would not control him.

Even so, though, he knew that in some ways, he would never be his own master. He would always be driven by his desires and passions. His passion for magic was the driving force of his life. Yet there was one desire that, in its own quiet way, was even stronger than his love for magic. It rarely rose to the surface, but had existed in him for as long as he could remember. The one experience that he had never felt, and desired above all else. The experience of being loved.

He had never felt love. He had had a few friends in his life, but none had ever truly loved him. They respected him, some perhaps even enjoyed his company, but nothing more than that. His brothers had hated him outright, because he was so unlike them. His father hadn't understood him either, frustrated that his youngest son was so different from the rest of his family. Even his mother had never loved him. She had cared for him, but only because it was expected of her and he was, after all, her son. She had never loved him, though. Love was the one thing he wanted above all else. The one thing he would never have.

Phinehas looked up and, to his surprise, realized that he had reached the tavern. Bright light shone from the doorway, and sounds of music and merrymaking spilled out into the street. It looked warm and inviting, however he decided that he was in too melancholy a mood to go in this evening. He had tried that a few times, going in when he wasn't at his best and trying to be sociable for Kada's sake, but that usually ended up in someone else getting hurt. He had no desire to hurt Kada's business by getting into arguments with unsuspecting, ignorant patrons, so he just kept going.

After shuffling his way along a few more streets, trying unsuccessfully to steer his thoughts away from magic for at least a few moments, he thought he heard a muffled scream in a darkened alleyway to his left. He stopped and peered at it, but his eyesight was poor, and he could see nothing. He tried to listen, but his hearing wasn't particularly sharp either, and he heard nothing. Even so, he had the distinct impression that something was happening in the alley. He sighed and closed his eyes, deciding to use his mind to detect what his senses could not.

Slowly, carefully, he began to weave a net of magic, spreading it out in the direction of the alley. After a few moments, he began to detect presences. There were five, four of which gave off strong feelings of confidence, arrogance, and cruelty. The fourth presence was filled with fear.

Phinehas almost turned to move on, thinking it was just another mugging, which was none of his business. But at the last moment, just before he withdrew his consciousness back into his body, he felt another emotion in the four aggressors. Lust. Then he understood. This wasn't robbery, it was rape. Rage immediately began to flow through him, as if someone had lit a fire in his brain. Of the few things that offended him personally, the abuse of weaker beings, especially women, by those who were physcially stronger, was at the top of his list. He would not let another suffer what he had gone through. He would not let this woman, whoever she may be, go through life with pain and agony as he did. He would not let it be.

He lifted his cane, and as he did so, it began to glow brightly, lighting up the entire alleyway, as if it were a torch. There the scene was layed out before him. A short, scruffy-looking dwarf was facing him, obviously meant to guard against anyone who might accidentally stumble into the alleyway and disturb what was going on. He was shading his eyes from the light, trying to see who was holding the torch, hoping, most likely, that it wasn't one of the Guards. Behind him, against the wall of the alley was a stunningly beautiful, young, female Diaboli, fear etched in every feature, held against the wall by two hulking Kran, both of whom were also shading their eyes from the light. Next to them, one hand still in the act of reaching for the young woman, was a Dermorain, tall and powerfully built.
Phinehas smiled at the realization that he had arrived just in time. He lessened the light coming from his cane, so that the four villains could see who he was. The Dermorian, enraged at the intrusion, turned to him and, seeing that he was not only not a Guard, but also rather decrepit looking, smiled cruelly. "You should not have interfered, Old Man. Saving damsels in distress is for the young and the foolish. I am not pleased that you disturbed me from my pleasures." He smiled as he reached out a finger to gently touch the lips of the Diaboli. "However, I am feeling merciful." He turned nodded to the dwarf, "Thair, make it quick."

The dwarf grinned cruelly as he began to walk towards Phinehas with outstretched hands. All of a sudden he stopped and his grin changed to a look of shock as he toppled forward onto his face, like a tree felled by an axe.

The Dermorian looked confused for a second, but that emotion was quickly replaced by anger as he raised his voice to Phinehas, "So, you're a mage, eh? Good. I always hated your kind. You're so arrogant, think you know everything. Well, you may have killed Thair, but let's see how your magic affects Menir and Pir here." With that, he nodded to the two Kran and grabbed the throat of the young lady, pinning her to the wall with one hand.

(To be continued in next post)
« Last Edit: October 21, 2006, 03:57:48 am by Phinehas »

Phinehas

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Re: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« Reply #1 on: July 05, 2005, 01:21:05 am »
As the Kran approached him, Phinehas could not resist saying a word or two about his favorite subject. "You must think yourself quite safe with these two in your little band. Not only are they obviously physically powerful, but their natural resistance to magic makes them quite handy protection against your average mage. It's a shame for you that I'm not an average mage." With that, he lifted his right hand, balled up into a fist, brought it to his chest, and flung it outwards, towards the Kran. The effect was immediate. Both Krans' heads snapped back as they were lifted off their feet by the strength of the blow, and thrown headfirst down the length of the alley, skidding to a stop never to move again.

The Dermorian, fear beginning to creep across his face, flung the girl into some barrels, and reached for his sword. His hand never made it to the hilt. Paralyzed, he watched as the small Lemur moved slowly towards him, staring at him with eyes dark and sinister. What he saw in those eyes would have made him tremble, if he had any control over his body.

Phinehas smiled and addressed the man, "So, you think I'm an old man, do you? The truth is, I'm not. I'm most likely younger than you. You are going to die now, but I wouldn't want that to happen without you being able to experience the joy of old age." Phinehas closed his eyes, and began to concentrate.

The Dermorian felt pain wash over his body, and he looked down at his hands. What he saw made him want to scream, but he couldn't. All he could do was watch as his body aged years in a few seconds. He saw his skin begin to sag on his hands, veins begin to stick out. His fingernails grew long and split and cracked, eventually turning black. His muscles shrunk and sagged with age, and he felt he strength leaving his body. All of a sudden, he wasn't paralyzed anymore, and he collapsed to the ground. He opened his eyes, and looked over his body, not even recognizing it. His back was stooped and aching. His legs were thin and bony, not able to support his body anymore. His clothes were many sizes to large for him, and felt unbelievably heavy. He crawled to a puddle and looked down into his reflection. What he saw there made him vomit. His eyes were watery and pale, his lips thin and cracked. His hair had fallen out, replaced by an unsightly scalp.  There were bags beneath his eyes, and his cheeks sagged to his jaw. His last thought was that he was looking into the face of death.

Phinehas stood in the alleyway as the Dermorian collapsed. He smiled grimly, lost in his thoughts. He saw a movement out of the corner of his eye and turned to it. There was the young Diaboli woman, staring at him with fear in her eyes. She was crying. As he walked towards her, she tried to back away, but found that she was already sitting against the wall. He reached her, and slowly crouched down to her eye level, even though the action obviously caused him much pain. He stopped then, and looked at her. Despite the tears coursing down her face, she was one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. She was young, couldn't be more than 20, but she was beautiful. He smiled at her and asked, "Do you know who I am?"

She shook her head, no.

He smiled again, and reached out to wipe away her tears. She was calming down slowly, seeing that he hadn't harmed her yet. In that instant he made a decision. "It doesn't matter. You have seen what I can do. I know you are very afraid of me right now, but I mean you no harm. Go home, and be more careful next time."

She stood then, and they walked out of the alley. She was still in shock over what had transpired, but she realized what this strange Lemur had done for her. She turned to thank him, but saw that he was already making his way away from her, moving slowly, awkwardly, in the night. She wanted to thank him, wanted to run up to him and stop him and thank him over and over. But she was afraid, afraid that he would be annoyed, afraid that he might lose patience and to do to her what he did to the Dermorian. She could not make herself stop him, for fear that she too might incur his wrath. So instead, she turned and walked home, joyful of her rescue, and yet confused, afraid, and sad.

In the meantime, Phinehas walked made his way to his own home, shaking his head bitterly, and thinking, "Never to be loved. Never to be loved. Never."
« Last Edit: October 21, 2006, 08:12:08 pm by Phinehas »

Cyl

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« Reply #2 on: July 05, 2005, 09:40:59 am »
Nice, old friend. Very nice. I cant see how you could improve, but making a few more paragraphs, instead of writing all in one sausage.
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Phinehas

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« Reply #3 on: July 05, 2005, 09:50:39 am »
Heh heh. Funny you should mention that. I already went through and did that. Like I said, it was late at night, so I just let it come out, without particularly worrying what format it was in. That\'s also the reason it seems a bit melancholy.

Under the moon

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« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2005, 06:47:55 am »
*bows to Phinehas*

That was most astounding Phin. I have never seen such an in-depth view of a character. You did a very good job of making the reader feel Phinehas\'s pain, emotional even more than physical. Perhaps someday he may meet up with a certain one of my characters with demons of his own. Dark shadows would be cast that day.


But next time Phin.....BUY HER A DRINK!

Moogie

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« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2005, 07:33:30 am »
Very powerful emotions. The sadness, the fear, and especially the shock of the Dermorian as he watched himself age to his death before his own eyes. Very nicely written.

I would say you\'ve done well with the paragraphs. It just needs the usual \'speaker on a new line\' stuff, and perhaps also some clearer seperation between the narration of the story and Phinehas\' own thoughts.

Thumbs up :)

Phinehas

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« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2005, 10:58:32 am »
Quote
Originally posted by Under the moon
But next time Phin.....BUY HER A DRINK!

That\'s the whole point, isn\'t it?

Anyway, I must say I really appreciate the comments. Especially since I\'d almost given up on anyone actually bothering to read my writings what with you guys\' out there. Thanks again.

Quote
It just needs the usual \'speaker on a new line\' stuff,


What did you mean by that, Moogie?

Einnol

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Re: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2006, 08:23:59 pm »
This might not be a new story, but it is new to me since I had not read it yet.  Very nicely done, Phinehas.  I really enjoyed it.

* Einnol pokes Phinehas to clean up the formating problems caused by the forum migration.  ;)

Oh, and Phinehas, give it a proper title.  It deserves one.  :)

Phinehas

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Re: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2006, 03:42:23 am »
Wow. Didn't think anyone would bother reading anything I'd written anymore. Glad you like it. I may get around to the naming and/or formatting, but I haven't bothered yet since I didn't think anyone would read this again.

Suno_Regin

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Re: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2006, 03:46:31 am »
Just a tip to make it look like less of an eyesore (and let me be able to read it without skipping a line or reading the same one over again) put two spaces between each paragraph, so they aren't all clustered together.

Phinehas

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Re: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« Reply #10 on: October 21, 2006, 04:00:06 am »
Ok, I removed all the \'s, and added a few paragraph breaks. Still haven't come up with a name for it though, and I'm not really sure I should. I rather like it nameless.

Parallo

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Re: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2006, 03:13:31 pm »
I love it! There are not many storys on this forum that drag you in and don't let you stop reading the way this one can. It flows very easily and the way its written is quite unique to the others I have read here in the sence that it isn't just "He done this then he done this then he said this, blah, blah." but it's more like a novel. It tell you what the character is thinking, not just thinking about what he is doing right now but what he thinks about everything that is going on in his life... If ya get me.

But anyway  :thumbup:
I suggest the statue of Laanx gets turned into a statue of Parallo <3. An NPC could never replace the huge hole he left in my heart when he died  :'(

Garile

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Re: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« Reply #12 on: November 03, 2006, 04:38:40 pm »
hmm good story Phinehas :)
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Dilphemor

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Re: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2006, 11:21:19 pm »
Wow. Didn't think anyone would bother reading anything I'd written anymore. Glad you like it. I may get around to the naming and/or formatting, but I haven't bothered yet since I didn't think anyone would read this again.

Nicely written.  I liked the "almost, but not quite" ending.  Nice twist.  Not the "happily ever after" ending some would use.

Makes me wish I was better acquainted with Phinehas IC.  Whether I would like him or not, or vice versa, I can't say.  But it would be interesting.

Phinehas

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Re: I have no idea what to name this, but it's a story, duh!
« Reply #14 on: November 04, 2006, 03:46:43 am »
I'm glad you guys liked it. Really. I'm thinking of writing a fantasy novel, and it's nice to know that I'm successful in short stories at least.

And Dilphemor, you wouldn't like Phinehas IC. Nobody does...