Author Topic: An open challenge, the vote  (Read 4965 times)

Moogie

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An open challenge, the vote
« on: December 04, 2005, 05:17:41 am »
\"many thanks to the fair mistress moogie for starting this thread off, and the original idea.

the submissions in no particular order are:

1. \"The Second Chance\", by Draklar
2. \"Remember the Valley\", by Under the Moon
3. \"who were the lucky?\", by steuben


voting will run for 14 days after the last story gets posted up. most votes wins.\"


Right... now whenever I post a poll, the orders mess themselves up. :P So make sure you\'re voting for the correct entry. Correct is the one you click to vote for, not necessarily the order written in this post.

Have fun and good luck to Drak, Moon and Steuben. :)

Karyuu

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« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2005, 08:13:13 am »
Am I missing something? There have been a couple of votes submitted already, but the stories aren\'t available for public viewing yet.
Judge: Are you trying to show contempt for this court, Mr Smith?
Smith: No, My Lord. I am attempting to conceal it.

Draklar

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« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2005, 08:33:01 am »
I thought there were more than three entries :\\

And yeah, what the crazed cat above me said.
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Moogie

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« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2005, 08:40:11 am »
*Shrug* I havn\'t even read any of it, was just told to make a poll. :P

Draklar

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« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2005, 12:24:42 pm »
Quote
Originally posted by Moogie
voting will run for 14 days after the last story gets posted up. most votes wins.
This bit is confusing by the way. Sounds like stories are supposed to be posted by the authors... Which I believe isn\'t the case.
Steuben is going to post all at once, right? Although I guess you don\'t know :|
AKA Skald

Lolitra, Celorrim Purrty Twins

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« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2005, 02:29:04 pm »
We would vote, but where are the stories?

[edit]

We chose under the moon\'s as we were taken in, by the suspense and descriptive atmosphere, but it was a close call... they are all great.
« Last Edit: December 04, 2005, 05:54:14 pm by Lolitra, Celorrim Purrty Twins »
Her Royal Highness Lolitra Hollinthy Purrty nods regally 'I am delighted to meet you' her tiara twinkles in the crystal light.
[had to remove my signature - as the image host lost it!!!!]

steuben

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« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2005, 02:48:42 pm »
sorry about the delay. the inital post came in the middle of the night for me. but here they are.

The Second Chance, By Draklar
---------------------------------------
   A mighty thunderbolt struck the ground, sending a powerful peal all across the vast area. The immense load of electricity disturbed the freezing air and as if under a magic spell, together with the lightning\'s crack of the ground, all hell broke loose. The rain, which just minutes ago consisted of tiny drops lightly smooching the earth, now turned into a heavy storm that kept tormenting the ground, changing its shape with no remorse. Newly created streams started rushing down the hills, forming small puddles that grew constantly, with a rapid speed. The weather was truly awful and all of the living creatures did their beast to elude its dreadful state. All but one...

  In a flash of the silver lightning appeared a massive shape. It stumbled slowly, reaching the top of the hill. Its moves made it obvious - it was at the wane of its vital strength. Another thunderbolt chased away the mid-darkness, this time showing more details about the mysterious shape. With no doubt it was an enkidukai, male with an orange, stripped fur. In most parts covered by a thick, brown hide. Now ruined, displaying many rips and holes. Thanks to the sudden strike of the mighty lightning, his face was midly visible as well and anyone who already came upon him in the past, would know it - it was Draklar.

 Soaked and utterly tired, he kneeled slowly and looked down at the part of the ground just before him. Without rush his fingers moved towards some sort of a footprint, shaking slightly from the cold and the lack of the strength. Rain nearly made it impossible to recognise it, but Draklar knew what it was; A female enkidukai passed that hill not that long ago. The barbarian stood up and took a look around. The weather wasn\'t encouraging him to move onward, but it had to be done.

   Draklar made a few steps forward in an attempt to walk down the hill. Yet, with the constant wane of his strength, his right knee bent under the weight of his body. Stumbling upon a deep pile of mud, he lost his balance, instantly falling down to the ground.

  He rolled down the hill without any strength or will to try to get up. The enkidukai ended up with his back in a large puddle, unable to move. He gazed up into the sky, observing the rain drops rushing down from the darkness and ending up on his face. He closed his eyes slowly, now darkness around him was complete. His heart kept pounding and it was the only sound he could hear at that very moment. But each second, the pounding was bluring with silence. On and on, until his attention could no longer follow it; The silence now triumphed...

    Countless colours pierced through his gray eyes, like tiny splinters sending a pain-ridden shock into his brain. The tones merged constantly, with lightning speed bluring into one, in the dizzying whirlwind of the changing hues. On and on, the colours kept swirling together, storming his mind with chaos, unease and insanity. All of his nerves triggered at once in the last resort of the assault commited by the immense haze. He choked on a sudden deep breath, standing on the edge of suffocation... All the colours were one now. His vision now consisted solely of a blinding white vividness.

   Gradually, first pictures came to his eyes. Semblance of confusion, nothing seemed natural, nothing seemed to be there. Not even himself. The vision was blury, but everything seemed familiar... too familiar. The vision somehow repulsed him, angered him, brought him much disgust. But Draklar didn\'t know why, at that time he didn\'t know anything at all.

 Vast plains were spreading far across the land utmost below him. He was approaching them slowly, lighty, as if a feather relaxing after the chase of the wind... And thus he drifted in the mid-air, with time noticing more details about the shapes, which wandered far below him. To his great surprise, those shapes... were them. He, Karyuu, Xalthar, Seperot... All were there, walking together as if nothing ever happened. But what exactly did happen? Why is it that he\'s in such unease? Lost in his own thoughts, he didn\'t expect that the answers would soon come on their own.

   He yelped, seeing an arrow pierce through his avatar\'s left arm. He was now distant from everything, watched the scene from high above, but the wound and the memories were still fresh, leaving no salvation from the past events. Just as his memories foretold him, seconds later a band of fanatics attacked them. Draklar didn\'t know what cult they belonged to, but he could swear that he saw the sign on their foreheads somewhere before. Screams and clash of steel filled the air, and the brutal blows were now being inflicted upon the combatants\' flesh. The defendants fought bravely, but no matter how much blood they managed to spill, their fate was set already. It couldn\'t go any other way, failure would soon befall upon them... As the bloodshed raged on the battlefield, Draklar kept approaching the grisly scenenery. He was getting closer and closer, until... everything blured. The last scene he could perceive was the body of his avatar falling down to the ground. And thus his vision imploded. All that was left were various colours; many colours... and confusion. And then just the darkness.

   Pain. Sorrow. Remorse... Draklar opened his eyes. Facing the sky, he watched as the tiny drops quietly fell down from the dark clouds. There was no sound in the air. Nothing around him seemed to be real, not even the air he was breathing. Only desperation appeared to keep a connection with the reality, how unwanted it may be. Draklar couldn\'t stand up... Or maybe he just didn\'t want to. He lied there like that... With no strength, with no will... With no hope. Only waited, come what may.

  But he wasn\'t alone anymore, he could feel it now. In his bones and through his skin. The shape that emerged next to his body, although alien to his eyes, was strangely familiar to his heart. A man, as it appeared, with impressive deer horns and thick, brown fur covering most of his body. His face looked fierce, yet kind... and wise. Definitely wise.

 \"Draklar!\" As thunder, his voice moved the air. \"Son o\' ye kynde! Brother o\' ye varment! Hear us anon!\"

By his next side emerged a woman, tall and beautiful, dressed in a long, green robe. She had a friendly expression on her face, somewhat magical, it seemed. Draklar felt safe now, he couldn\'t understand why, but that didn\'t really matter.

  \"Hast thou beseen thy kith, so close to thine heart?\" Her voice, sweet beyond all measure, drifted easily throughout the air, enriching it with vigorous life.

    \"\'Tis kith o\' thine ancestors. Kepe now hem clepen!\" The thunderous voice triggered all of his senses. Although the words they spoke remained unfamiliar to him, he could understand them. Somewhere deep in his soul, he knew what it all meant. What it led to. What inflamed his heart.\"

  \"Hem liste thee to drede nat...\"

  \"Hente thine axe, o\' trewe freke!\"

 \"Iwis, artow lede to wende in mensk.\"

 \"Wreke ye greve upon thee, scathe ye freke o\' vileynye!\"

   \"\'Tis nat thy time yet.\" With those words spoken by the mysterious woman, a new shape appeared in front of him. More familiar... it was a female enkidukai.

    \"Not yet...\" She turned in his direction, expanding the view of her face.

 \"Karyuu!\" Uttered Draklar, instantly returning to his real body. His gaze pierced through the sky, as he stood up impetuously. The wind was smooching him ligtly, running through his wet fur and bringing serenity back to his mind. The barbarian gazed far across the fields, trying to figure out where his path led him to. With no storm blinding his vision, he could see it now. A wide forest was spreading wide before his eyes. It was a small chance, but a chance none the less. The fanatics might be hiding there.

 He moved onward. No matter what might be hiding in the forest, Draklar had to seek for his friends there. Despise the wounds that reminded him of the recent combat, he walked rather fast, as if some force pushed him to move on. \"Let bygones be bygones.\" He thought. There was no need for further grief over the lost battle. He had to concentrate on what was now. Finally, reaching the forest wall, he noticed a tract of trails in the mud, going farther into the woods. Draklar followed them, careful not to make any noise. After few minutes he heard the first voices. It seemed to be two males, most likely ylians. It was still hard to figure out what distance seperated him from his new prey. The barbarian now moved slowly, hiding past large trees. Within minute he walked far enough to notice them. but he didn\'t stop, Draklar had to walk farther and prepare for the attack.

  What followed would dread many. The two fanatics turned around, hearing noise coming from behind. It was too late to react though, one of the ylians only looked at the enkidukai who leaped at him, before the sharp claws slashed through his face. Much of blood was spilled and the fanatic was knocked down to the ground with a shocked expression on his deformed countenance. Draklar slowly turned his head to the other enemy. For a while the ylian looked at his befallen companion, dreaded by the macabre sight. But soon he snapped out of it and after one move of his arm, his blade was ready to cut through the enkidukai\'s flesh. Draklar didn\'t wait any longer, he clenched onto the fanatic\'s head and cracked his neck, releasing the dead body to thumb on the ground. The path was clear now.

    His companions weren\'t in a good shape. All were tired and Karyuu didn\'t seem to be conscious. Draklar proceeded to release them.

 \"What took you so long?\" Asked Seperot soon before having his hands released.

 \"Had to take a nap. Can you walk?\"

    \"Drak,\" Seperot stood up. \"I still have enough strength left to wipe out this whole camp.\"

  \"Well, you can start from that guy.\" Draklar nodded to something behind the rogue\'s back.

  Seperot turned his head casually soon noticing one of the fanatics running at him with his katana. The rogue quickly turned around, taking a hold of the attacker\'s sword and in one fluid motion swinged it around, finally slashing into the opponent\'s arm. The limb fell off in a bloody mess and the shocked fanatic dropped to the ground, dying at once.

   Seperot glanced at the corpse and then back to his katana. \"Like taking candy away from a baby...\"

    Out of a sudden a quarrel pierced through the air, dippening in the rogue\'s foot. Seperot yelped loudly and sent an angry look at the source of it; A fanatic armed with a crossbow standing on top of one of the wooden huts. The enraged enkidukai cut off the rear part of the bolt with a single slice of his sword and after slowly sliding his foot off the front part, he charged at his opponent. Seperot leaped up to grab onto the roof and using all of his strength, he pushed himself up, rolling a bit on the top, finally standing back to his feet. Another bolt pierced through the air, this time passing next to Seperot\'s head. The enkidukai aimed his sword and swinged it upwards, cutting through the fanatic\'s stomach.

   \"Are you coming?\" Draklar yelled from down below. The party was ready to move on. Karyuu, who already began regaining her senses, was now slightly nuzzling to Draklar, seemingly searching for comfort and safety after the unexpected dread. Still lacking strength in her legs, she had to remain resting, carried in his arms. Xalthar approached them with the lost backpacks, which luckily still held their rations.

   The rogue jumped down, clenching his teeth after receiving another dose of pain from his wounded foot. \"You three go already. I\'ll be right behind.\" He grabbed a nearby torch and grinned mischievously. \"I still have something to do in here...\"
may laanx frighten the shadow from my path.
hardly because the shadow built the lexx.
the shadow will frighten laanx from my path.

steuben

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« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2005, 02:50:55 pm »
Remember the Valley, By Under the Moon
----------------------------------------------------

A small stone shifted itself loose from the ancient rock of the cave wall. For countless ages, the stone had rested unbothered in its precarious state of nearly, but never quite falling into the abyss below. In the stillness of its solitude, the stone had never met with force sufficient enough to combat the light grip the surrounding rock held on it. Indeed, neither breath nor eye had ever seen this part of the steeply inclined cave in generations, if ever. Not even a whisper of an echo had fallen on the surface of the stone in such a great amount of time so as it may be considered to have never have happened. This day, all of that changed. A second blood chilling scream tore through the stall air of the cave, finishing what the first had started. The stone fell. From complete darkness into complete darkness it fell, occasionally ticking and rebounding from unseen outcroppings on the cave wall with a roaring softness that filled the silence left as the reverberating scream cut short. Down it fell, sometimes making no noise beyond a slight whooshing whisper as it hurtled with ever increasing velocity through long stretches of air where the cave widened into huge vertical caverns before narrowing again. All in darkness. At the end of one of these long silent falls, the stone met with something it had never encountered before in its long existence. Light. The blue-green light exuded from a dozen or so fist-sized, round spheres hovering at the edge of yet another long drop. A haggard group of men, women and children huddled against the sheer rock face from whence the stone had just fallen. They jumped in unison as the stone bounced off the rocky ground at their feet, some going so far as to let out a terrified whimper. A terror that was echoed in their eyes, one and all. Fear had visited them this day, and had set camp in their minds. The stone bounced rebounded twice more before passing over the edge and vanishing back into the darkness, leaving the fearful people clutched to one another in silent desperation. They could hear it as it collided once, twice, three times against the cliff face they had just climbed. Three times the clatter of stone on stone sounded to their ears, then halted. A forth time it should have rang as it hit the cave floor far below, for the third crack had been that of a hard ricochet. No, something had intervened in the stone\'s flight, snatching it from its careless freefall. If stone could feel, at that moment it would have known terror. A terror induced by half seen claws and the glint of sharp, tarnished teeth set in a shadow-cast form. The same deep dread the villagers cringing on the outcropping now felt.

When Chellec had risen from his bed this morn, he had never envisioned the events of this day, which had led himself and the bedraggled remnants of his once proud village to this forsaken place. How many now? How many had it taken screaming into the surrounding dark to be silenced abruptly, sometimes accompanied by the sounds of shattering bone and rending flesh. How many where left now that it had taken yet again? His mind shied away from the thought of the creature\'s last victim. He knew how many remained, but couldn\'t stop his eyes from flashing to each side to count them once again, perhaps in hope of finding some salvation. None came as his eyes snapped back to the dark edge beyond the light. A sinking filled his heart. Only sixteen now, including himself. Sixteen out of fifty-three. Five women and three children huddled behind the men. They had right to do so. It had come for them first, just as the men where heading to the fields. It had been their screams that had brought the men running back, only to scream and bellow themselves. And die. Chellec remembered with shame how he had tossed aside his tilling hoe and ran in panic. But what else could he have done against that creature? that thing? It had only looked to be a glowing cloud of shadow on smoke when he had first lain eyes on it. He had started to run towards the Klyros woman who crawled frantically away from the thing with just her arms, as if her legs no longer had life in them. Any thought of rescue died as a gangly, rancid claw emerged from the nightmarish cloud. Three long, jaggedly sharp claws sprouted unnaturally from a twisted, gnarled hand, dripping and oozing some thick liquid, whether blood or putrescent fluid he did not know, nor dwell on. The claw reached out and?he shuddered, his mind trying to reject the foul memory, unwilling to recall what had transpired in the next few moments. No being of any race should make the noise that had been torn from the woman\'s throat as the claws had pierced her back, dragging her into boiling cloud of darkness. The cloud rolled as the scream turned to a mewing gurgle to the sound of unidentifiable snaps and crunches. It was then that he had run. Run as hard as his feet would carry him with reckless abandon though forest and field. Soon, the entire town was running with him, what was left of them. He never looked back, even as screams would piece his scull as another of the running villagers died. They ran, trying to reach the cave that had always kept them safe before, its thick iron doors keeping any number of bandits or rampant creatures at bay. But it followed still, killing at will, yet somehow keeping the pace without pause. It followed them even to the heavy doors, merely ripping them from their hinges with careless ease as they had thrown home the bolts and bar. It was then that they had been forced deeper into the cave. Upwards and deeper. Soon they had traveled further than any other had before. And yet it still followed. Always just beyond sight, ready to reach into the light at any moment to snatch another of their number to an unspeakable doom. Only sixteen. And they had run out of places to flee. The rock face was beyond the climbing skill of any here. They were going to die here, victims of a nameless horror. Just like that Klyros woman. Dead, all dead. Clyre?

\"Her name was Clyre,\" Chellec whispered, an edge of madness on his voice.

Ginnotha started at the sound of the whisper and clutched her son to herself. How could he utter any word when it might  bring back that horror? What in the name of the Guardian Huntress was it? What had they done to suffer such agony? She didn\'t want to die here, far from the forests she and her son would explore while her husband was off on a peddler\'s journey. Thank all goodness that he was away on this day. She hugged her son again to assure herself he was still there. Being a Lemur like his father, he was much frailer than most other children. If he had been an Enkidukia like herself, perhaps they could have run into the forests and escaped. If only? no, it was not his fault, her darling Dheris. If laying down her life this instant would save him, she would do so without pause. But she had seen other mothers throw themselves between that demon and their children. She had seen them die. See had then seen the children be consumed as they should in abject horror, having witnessed their parent\'s demise. The thing seemed to delight in pursuing those children that did run. No, it would do no good for her to die to protect her son. Her eyes where drawn back to the edge of the cliff and the lights that old Tellen had taken out when they reached the cave. The edge her good friend Larseari had just minutes before tossed herself from in hopes of sparing herself from the claws of the beast. The shriek that escaped her lips was burned into Ginnotha\'s mind as those very claws had appeared from the darkness to catch the woman as she leapt into the dark abyss.

Dheris squirmed against his mother, her fur and tight grip starting to be uncomfortably hot. He knew he should be scared, but somehow he felt no fear at all. It was almost as if he were in a dream, just moments from waking up. His mother and father would be there, smiling as he told them about his nightmare. But this wasn\'t a dream, was it? Dheris felt a chill as he thought of the creature. It hadn\'t felt like any other beast he had felt before. He had an affinity with animals, even the more nasty ones. They would come to see him, and sometimes do as he told them. He could even sense how people felt at times. But this thing? it felt empty. As if there were nothing but a hole where it stood. He could feel it now, far down in the dark. He could feel its eyes staring upwards with a vacant stare. There was no feeling in it. Not anger or fury, just death. It was the same feeling Dheris felt when walking over what Tellen had said was an ancient battlefield. The old Dwarf never seemed to run out of war stories, though his eyes were always sad when one of the children would ask for another. Dheris had never asked for those stories. He couldn\'t hurt anything, not when he knew how it felt when he did. And telling those stories hurt Tellen deep in his core. Suddenly, he felt someone\'s eyes on him and turned his head to find them.

Tellen watched the young, frail Lemure through his thick eyebrows. As if summoned, the boy tuned his head to look straight back with no fear in his eyes that Tellen could see. Dwarf gazed at him, a heavy weight on his heart. Dheris was a special lad, he could always see that. The boy had powers deep inside him that would have one day made him great, and the kindness to keep that power from turning him to ill. The boy had one power that only a few knew about, and could save all these folks, but with a price. Dheris could Shift, a rare talent indeed. He could send the the villagers to a safe place far from here. The price being that even the greatest of Shifters could only use their power on others. He would have to remain here with the demonspawn. Again, as if seeing his thoughts, Dheris looked to the edge before meeting Tellen\'s eyes again. He nodded and slowly pulled his mother\'s arms away from himself. She tried to grab him again, but stopped at his single whispered word. Tellen felt the Glyphs in his pocket shiver, the one made for detecting powers other than Glyphs. The boy would have been powerful one day for sure.

Slowly, Dheris walked to Tellen. He could feel the creature stirring again. It would be coming soon. Somehow, he had been able to read Tellen\'s thoughts. He knew what he had to do now. It saddened him that his mother would never see him again. But what must be done?

\"It is coming,\" Dheris whispered as he knelt next to the Dwarf.

Tellen nodded and took out a Glyph he had been carrying for ages. It had no other name than Death Flame. He knew what it did, and feared it. In a few moments, this entire cave would be reduced to molten rock. The boy looked at the others, then at him, as if asking a question. Tellen shook his head. He would not be going with the others. Dheris would not be dieing alone. Tellen knew where the villagers ?his friends- would be safe.

\"My boy, remember the valley?\"
may laanx frighten the shadow from my path.
hardly because the shadow built the lexx.
the shadow will frighten laanx from my path.

steuben

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« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2005, 02:52:26 pm »
who were the lucky?, by steuben
------------------------------------------

the doorman\'s rhythm was upset. that\'s really the only reason why i noticed his name. i looked to the doorway. the two ducal guards were talking nervously to the new arrival. there were yliaki who, i had seen stop the king and his guards without flinching. what did they know about this yliaki that, it seemed, few others did?

the duke gestured from what would be his death bed. i went to his side. i repeated the name to him. the look on his face was a complex mix of, memory, happiness, regret and other emotions. i had seen it when he was recently presented with his latest grandchild.

\"bring him to me,\" he said.

i sought him out amid the crowd. it had gathered to pay last respects and to try and curry final favour from him. the sounds of politics filled the room. i wondered why the duke had arranged this event. i found him at the bar, staring thoughtfully at the casks. the clothes i had decided were worn and shabby. but, as i got closer i realized that they were well made, but worn and drab.

\"excuse me,\" i said. \"master viscosa?\"

he turned around. \"yes, mistress...\" the obvious question asked with a raised eyebrow. he seemed wary, but his smile was playful.

\"the duke wishes to speak with you,\" i said coolly, perhaps more so then i intended.

i turned and headed back. i stop part way, and look back. i found him immediately behind my right shoulder. i continued on. it looked like the duke was trying to get out of his bed. i rushed up. i felt viscosa keep up.

\"what are you doing,\" i ask him as i arrived at his bed.

\"i must be at attention for commander viscosa. or isn\'t general now?\"

viscosa shakes his head.

\"even still, your grace, i would have to be at attention for you. but, it is just steuben now.\"

\"you got out?\"

\"i have tried.\"

the duke nodded.

\"it is difficult to put it down. but, sometimes you can put it up. if just for a while.\" he smiled. \"i think this time i will get it right.\" he chuckled briefly, before it dissolved into a wracking cough. he waved me back as i approached.

\"my grandniece worries a bit much about me. you remember my sister?\"

viscosa nodded. \"a good, strong woman.\" a smile formed on his lips.

\"well, she had four just like her.\"

\"ho,\" he laughed. \"they must have been a terror in the court.\"

\"that they were. but, mai here, she has her grandmother\'s blood in her pure and true.\"

the duke looked up at me.

\"steuben, here, took a certain young lieutenant and shepherded him, and kept him safe through the war.\"

viscosa harrumphed. \"hardly safe. you and your yliaki were following right behind me.\"

i looked at viscosa, again. he seemed to be in his yearly thirties. he looked far too young to have been a commander when the duke was a lieutenant. then i saw his eyes. they were old enough, old enough to spare.

\"exactly. safest place behind. but they were good yliaki.\"

he nods. \"yes, they were.\"

\"but, we were lucky. we got to fight along side the demon and his yliaki.\" the duke looks up at the ceiling. \"but, sometimes i wonder who was luckier? those who wait for me. or those who survived to remember their great honour.\"

i thought it was a simple question. those who lived. but, now that my granduncle, the yliaki who shepherded our country through decades of peace, is now at rest. now, i think i have begun to understand his question.
may laanx frighten the shadow from my path.
hardly because the shadow built the lexx.
the shadow will frighten laanx from my path.

steuben

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« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2005, 02:54:42 pm »
and the magic date is dec 18th at 5:52 am, board local. that is when the votes will be tallied and the winner annouced.
may laanx frighten the shadow from my path.
hardly because the shadow built the lexx.
the shadow will frighten laanx from my path.

Father Sengus

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« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2005, 03:45:12 pm »
Great stories!
Are people allowed to comment on the different texts and say on what story they placed their vote?

And Steuben, no offense, but you really should capitalize when writing a story like this. :/


Draklar

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« Reply #11 on: December 05, 2005, 02:52:15 pm »
Quote
Originally posted by Father Sengus
Are people allowed to comment on the different texts and say on what story they placed their vote?
Personally, I\'d be glad to hear some criticizm about the text of mine >.>
AKA Skald

Father Sengus

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« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2005, 03:58:30 pm »
Quote
Personally, I\'d be glad to hear some criticizm about the text of mine >.>
Well, here I go then :D
I read your story and overall I quite liked it, but there were some things that bothered me.

I have to say you lost me in the first dialogue (with Xalthar). I\'m no expert in old english so I didn\'t understand half of it... :(

You also have a very long introduction, which I believe is very nicely written but somehow does not fit into a short story like this one. After reading yours I felt I wanted to read more and I don\'t think that is the effect a short story should have on people. It should either leave you to figure out the rest by yourself, like I believe Underthemoon\'s story did, or have a really clear ending, and IMO you didn\'t have any of those two.

On the other hand, you have a great start for a longer story, you have a really nice writing style and clearly seem to know how to make use of your big vocabulary. Your descriptions are great and I could really follow every little movement of your characters. Really, great job!

Now, sorry if the paragraph for the downsides was bigger than the rest but I\'m sure you will get lots of positive response to compensate for my negativity, because it really was a nice story. ;)
« Last Edit: December 05, 2005, 03:59:39 pm by Father Sengus »


Draklar

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« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2005, 04:34:26 pm »
Hmm... It wasn\'t really a dialogue and Xalthar didn\'t take part in it.
It was two others characters, as stated in the text, who he never seen before. I should be addidng tags to the spoken bits, but I had max number of words rule to follow xD
And text itself isn\'t supposed to be understood, as Draklar himself didn\'t understand it either (\"Although the words they spoke remained unfamiliar to him\") :)

I know I\'m not so good at short stories, but there\'s so many rules behind those, while I prefer full freedom :P
So training in those is a pain for me.
I still need to kick myself back to writing my book someday :p
« Last Edit: December 05, 2005, 04:38:25 pm by Draklar »
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Father Sengus

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« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2005, 04:47:55 pm »
Quote
Hmm... It wasn\'t really a dialogue and Xalthar didn\'t take part in it.
Yes, I don\'t know why I thought it was Xalthar. :P My bad...

Quote
And text itself isn\'t supposed to be understood, as Draklar himself didn\'t understand it either (\"Although the words they spoke remained unfamiliar to him\") :)

So that\'s why I didn\'t understand them. But if they aren\'t meant to be understood, what purpose do they serve?

And what will that book be about? :P