Good that you took it that so well, lanser, thanks for commenting, that, summed to the fact that there\'s still no \"literary\" suggestion, encourages me to attempt to make one, so here I go:
When you write a story for others to read, keep always in mind that you\'re the absolute god at that very moment, you decide how the story goes, you say how it flows, you drive it, and with it, also the readers.
In this kind of stories, where the tension is the central topic (well, calling it the Fall of Hokinon, kind of reveals the end; but still remains the doubt of the when that will happen, and the why: will he fall because of being exhausted? will someone else \"contribute\" to make him fall?) there\'s a collision between the reader, and the one that is in the story, Hokinon in this case.
Since we know that Hokinon has been there, holding himself titanically to avoid the fall, for quite some time (perhaps even a day has passed, I don\'t recall the whole story, and haven\'t reread it :S) chances are that Hokinon stops thinking about his situation there, and tries to evade, free his mind of that turment. At the same time, the reader only wants to know about Hokinon, what happens with him, if he falls an inch or not, if he resists or not. You\'ve to play with that, evily.
For instance, after he drinks the water and before the Ulber arrival, there you\'ve the chance to put that evasion moment. Most writers usually put there a kind of remember about the chars life, even some regret about his past actions and so forth, I\'m sure you\'ve read similar stories with that same thing in, they look too religiously related, and I don\'t like them at all, it\'s been a way already too explored. What I\'d suggest? Concentrate on a futile thing, and do it over some lines. An example: a bee goes near one flower and stays there, near Hokinon, it absolutely doesn\'t care about him, because now he is like part of the landscape. Hokinon watches it, envying it because of its freedom, because of its indiference towards his situation since that doesn\'t altere its life, you can describe the bee, its colours, how Hokinon evades from his current situation and follows the bee flies from one flower to another, how he envies and at the same time despares, that to reach a point where the reader really claims: \"Stop telling me about the bee, and focus on Hokinon!!\" and when you think that point is reached, then you could, now yes, add the floor shaking, the bee leaving the flower to not come back again, how Hokinon comes back to reality, how the hope raises abruptly in him thinking that perhaps he too has a chance to fly away from where he is, like the bee did; and also describing his big fall (mentally this time) when his sight reaches the Ulbernaut.
Perhaps someone else now feels encouraged too to give you some suggestions, this kind of feedback can be really useful, specially when in game
