Blackmail skit. Loved that one
Announcer:
Hello! Hello! Hello! Thank you,thank you.
Hello good evening and welcome, to BLACKMAIL! Yes, it\'s another edition of
the game in which you can play with *yourself*. (applause)
And to start tonight\'s show, let\'s see our first contestant, all the way from
Manchester, on the big screen please: MRS. BETTY TEAL!
(applause, which suddenly stops when the clap track tape breaks)
\'Ello, Mrs. Teal, lovely to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you\'re
looking in tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from revealing
the name of your LOVER IN BOULTON!! So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by
return of post please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children
Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never know the name... of your LOVER IN
BOULTON!
(applause; organ music)
Thank you Onan! And now: a letter, a hotel registration book, and a series of
photographs, which could add up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible
criminal proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove. He\'s a freemason,
and a conservative M.P., so that\'s 3,000 pounds please Mr. S... thank you...
to stop us from revealing:
Your name
The name of the three other people involved,
The youth organization to which they belonged,
and The shop where you bought the equipment!
(organ music)
But right now, yes everyone is the moment you\'ve all been waiting for; it\'s
time for our Stop the Film spots! As you know, the rules are very simple. We
have taken a film which contains compromising scenes and unpleasant details
which could wreck a man\'s career. (gasp) But, the victim may \'phone me at
any moment, and stop the film. But remember the money increases as the film
goes on, so,.... the longer you leave it, the more you have to pay! Tonight,
Stop the Film visits the little Thames-side village of Thames Ditton.
(music--announcer\'s voice over)
Well, here we go, here we go now, let\'s see...where\'s our man.
Oh yes, there he is behind the tree now....
Mm, boy, this is fun, this is good fun....
He looks respectable, so we should be in for some real...real shucks here....
A member of the government, could be a brain surgeon, they\'re the worst....
wHOW! Look at the *size* of that.....briefcase.
Aah, yes, he\'s, he\'s up to the door, rung the doorbell now....
O-oh, who\'s the little number with the nightie and the whip, eh? Heh-heh.
Doesn\'t look like his mother....could be his sister....
If it is he\'s in real trouble....
And just look at that, they\'re upstairs already... whoah, boy, this is fun!
A very brave man, our contestant tonight.
Who-ho-ho!! This is no Tupperware party!
Very brave man, they don\'t usually get this far...
What\'s--what\'s that, what\'s she\'s doing to his.....is that a CHICKEN up
there? No, no, it\'s just the way she\'s holding the grapefruit... Whoah, ho
ho...
(\'Phone rings; buzzer goes off. Applause)
(picking up \'phone)
Hello sir...yes...aha-ha-ha...yes, just in time, sir, that was...what?
No, no, sir, it\'s alright, we don\'t morally censor, we just want the
money. Thank you sir, yes,....what? You...okay....Thank you for playing the
game, sir, very nice indeed, okay....okay, see you tonight, Dad, bye bye.
Well, that\'s all from this edition of Blackmail. Join me next week, same
time, same channel....Join me, two dogs, and a vicar, when we\'ll be playing
\"Pedorasto\", the game for all the family.
Thank you, thank you, thank you....
Title: Argument Sketch
From: Monty Python\'s Flying Circus
A man walks into an office.
Man: Good morning, I\'d like to have an argument, please.
Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?
Man: No, this is my first time.
Receptionist: I see, well we\'ll see who\'s free at the moment.
Mr. Bakely\'s free, but he\'s a little bit concilliatory. No.
Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12.
Man: Thank you.
He enters room 12.
Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Angry man: DON\'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED EVIL PAN OF DROPPINGS!
Man: What?
A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS
STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!
M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!
A: OH! Oh! I\'m sorry! This is abuse!
M: Oh! Oh I see!
A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
M: Oh...Sorry...
A: Not at all!
A: (under his breath) stupid git.
The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.
Man: Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man:(pause) I\'ve told you once.
Man: No you haven\'t!
Other Man: Yes I have.
M: When?
O: Just now.
M: No you didn\'t!
O: Yes I did!
M: You didn\'t!
O: I did!
M: You didn\'t!
O: I\'m telling you, I did!
M: You didn\'t!
O: Oh I\'m sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.
O: Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not!
O: Now let\'s get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you!
M: Oh no you didn\'t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn\'t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn\'t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn\'t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn\'t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh no you didn\'t!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN\'T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN\'T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: No you DIDN\'T!
O: Oh yes I did!
M: Oh look, this isn\'t an argument!
(pause)
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn\'t!
(pause)
M: It\'s just contradiction!
O: No it isn\'t!
M: It IS!
O: It is NOT!
M: You just contradicted me!
O: No I didn\'t!
M: You DID!
O: No no no!
M: You did just then!
O: Nonsense!
M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
O: No it isn\'t!
M: Yes it is!
(pause)
M: I came here for a good argument!
O: AH, no you didn\'t, you came here for an argument!
M: An argument isn\'t just contradiction.
O: Well! it CAN be!
M: No it can\'t!
M: An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a
proposition.
O: No it isn\'t!
M: Yes it is! \'tisn\'t just contradiction.
O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
M: Yes but it isn\'t just saying \"no it isn\'t\".
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn\'t!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it isn\'t!
O: Yes it is!
M: No it ISN\'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just
the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
O: It is NOT!
M: It is!
O: Not at all!
M: It is!
The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.
O: Thank you, that\'s it.
M: (stunned) What?
O: That\'s it. Good morning.
M: But I was just getting interested!
O: I\'m sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!!
O: I\'m afraid it was.
M: (leading on) No it wasn\'t.....
O: I\'m sorry, I\'m not allowed to argue any more.
M: WHAT??
O: If you want me to go on arguing, you\'ll have to pay for another five
minutes.
M: But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
Oh this is...
This is ridiculous!
O: I told you...
I told you, I\'m not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
O: Thank you.
M: (clears throat) Well...
O: Well WHAT?
M: That was never five minutes just now.
O: I told you, I\'m not allowed to argue unless you\'ve paid!
M: Well I just paid!
O: No you didn\'t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn\'t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn\'t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn\'t!
M: I DID!!!
O: YOU didn\'t!
M: I-dbct-fd-tq! I don\'t want to argue about it!
O: Well I\'m very sorry but you didn\'t pay!
M: Ah hah! Well if I didn\'t pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH!
Gotcha!
O: No you haven\'t!
M: Yes I have!
If you\'re arguing, I must have paid.
O: Not necessarily.
I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
M: I\'ve had enough of this!
O: No you haven\'t.
(door slam)
I could go on and on and on and on.....Good stuff from that bunch.
