Arka's Return 2: The Tower

[Nilrem]

Thanks, Arka.

No, you did not tell. In any case, there's not a real need of rewritting it. It's already good as it is.

As for your defense... well, there's no attack ^^. I'm aware of what you say, and I've praised more than once your ability in this (the short story) style. Although, I wanted to point you certain things, that aren't essential many times, and that you could try adding, not in each chapter, but yes in a specific one, such as more detailed descriptions of gestures, expressions or char positions. I am not saying you'd write lenghty posts, just that you could put one chapter now and then, where you emphasize that.

It goes without saying, but I've no problem in writing this down. If I were to type the story you did, I would have done it way worse.

23: Help from a friend

Back to Zorbels. Yeah, she was following that path of stones...

And there, sitting by her fire was Arka. She was caught between wanting to make no noise, but not to startle her friend.

Ok, I think here there's a problem. In the use of "she". There's the risk, well, it dissipates as soon as you read the sentence, but, still, there's that risk of confusion, of assigning that she to Arka. You know, I imagine the scene of Arka by the fire... then you start with a she... I might very well be on Arka's place. Obviously the "she" refers to the debate Zorbels has in her mind, when she goes closer and closer to Arka.

When Zorbels tells Arka about leaving immediately, well, I think the scene is solved too quickly. There's only a little attempt of Arka to stay, suggesting the cellar... but well, it seems as if she decides to leave too quickly. Considering what she went to do (and yes, the work's complete) but, I don't know I would have expected a little bit more reluctancy from Arka, to leave the place. There's even a hiss from Zorbels, that might suggest that, in fact, that reluctancy existed, but it's not very clear. To me, at least.

The road this way was longer, but if they hurried, they would reach Akkaio by dawn(...)Zorbels knew someone who would hide them until this blew over.

I don't like how the "this" form sounds in here. I said that earlier too, and I think athose "this" should be "that". Since the story is told from 3rd perspective, it sounds a bit weird to use the term "this" for positioning things. Perhaps it's a matter of taste ^^

The seekers arrive an hour later. The ashes are still warm under the sand... but... err...

A light breeze sprang up and he stiffened

er... a light breeze carries the scent of those that departured an hour ago? Either they're not hurrying much on their run, or someone needs a soapy bath ^^

24 Searching

had drawn the short straw and had spent two hours in the sewers.

This intercalation of humour really helps in any reading. 

“Does she know how dangerous that place has become?” asked Gholmyrr.

Seems that this reafirms Jefecra impressions about the town. At least its fame was it to be infested, or rather dangerous, whereas we've been presented an abandoned town, more than an infested one. Perhaps there should have been signs of (past) massive agitation in the town. Footsteps here and there, some devastation and signs of thievery... even signs of a group having lived in there for some time (and not being the natural inhabitants of the village) something that justifies more why there's no danger present when Arka, Zorbels, Finara and Rabartus reach the town. Something else than just a weird coincidence, or luck. From the first arrival, to the last departure, there's very well a whole day of time.

25: A Gathering

This is an important chapter. Because we return to the plotters behind the scene, and we're revealed certain actions.

1) They're searching for Sudisir too.

2) That they discovered the spy, and killed him. Due to a too quick death, they weren't able to find out for whom he was working.

He had hoped that putting the body on show, in the pick up area, would have forced a response, but the guard had got there first. Then they had tried the message, but whoever had picked up had been so skilful they didn’t get a hint of where it went.

What is said about the message is correct. But, about the body... is still a bit confusing. They put him in a known place, and hoped for the ones that sent him, to go there and pick him, before the guards arrive? If I understood correctly, that was the attempt. It is certainly risky, since normally, the guards should arrive earlier than anyone else. But, in any case, how does this justify the erasing of any recognizeable marks from the body? How did that act help to their intentions? I do not see it. Perhaps you'd "release" a simplified version of the story, for the short minded (you've at least one reader subscribed in there ^^)
In any case, I wanted to comment one more thing regarding this. It is about failure of plans. It's good to find readings, where things fail. Plans fail. It's realistic. Justification of removal of the face and so, because of just being nervous at the krans having killed him too fast, and without really thinking deep into the actions, taking that decision, might be a perfectly assumed condition. Although it would shock a bit with the dexterity the parts were removed (that suggest some time was put into it). So what I say, is that in any reading, is good to add things that fail, or things that are not logical, just because the actors act with hurries and without real knowledge. It adds flavour too. If you use that, try to share the "mistakes" amongst the chars, there's the risk of presenting one of them as silly, if they all fall on the same one ^^. But certainly it's a possibility that you can explore, introducing failed actions, failed decisions, on the chars.

“Ah – Mr Krepplin. Your faith in our guard is reassuring, but misplaced I feel. They have not managed to capture him before. I hardly think they will manage it now.”

This sentence sounds great. Specially the first part. It's as if he was about to say something as: "The fastest thing those guards have catched in the last weeks, have been the ale jars slippering on the counters of the taverns"

On average, I have to say I liked this chapter. Specially the ambience and the characterization of "K", specially how he keeps the calm (at least towards the others sight) and keeps plotting and moving puppet cords. The image of having a large table, where all the ones occupying it are facing towards the top of it, like awaiting the words of a priest, or the city major in celebrations. It's classical the one that has the thinking mind, and the others are awaiting the next movement, once the things are not going perfectly as planned, and found themselves petrified, so they need kind of a "reset", just to hear the words of the "deity" telling them that everything will be alright, and what should they do next. Well done. 

[Nilrem]

26 The Prisoner

You'd have used paragraphs for this one ^^ even if just to easy the read.

He had distracted them – he had seen that with his own eyes.

While this sentence is strictly correct, and there's no confusion, I'm still reluctant to this forms. The first he refers to Lordbug, whereas the second one, to Jefecra. I'd suggest changing then, the second he, for Jefecra name.

I like the atmosphere created. It's somehow noir, and you feel the presence of Kehala above Jefecra, as if pushing him down to not see the truth, while Jefecra's on a loop, where his methods do not help him to get out from. Till:

Jefecra looked pensive. It was time to take a gamble.

till Jefecra moves from his spot, and tries the Finara's style. It would have been a good moment, to introduce her somehow. As if sucumbing to reality, and Jefecra then opened his mind to other considerations, and the intuition that Jefecra uses appears as the chance for him to solve the mistery.
The trick works and:

“You see, I knew about this all along,” he crooned, “I suggest now would be a good time to tell me what you know.”

A good moment to show Jefecra's surprise is lost. Seems as if Jefecra now is above all and controlling things again. If only for a moment, it would have been great to see him flicker too. Surprised that the attempt did indeed work, and surprised to be using other methods than his "own".

How he had become aware that the criminal business in Hydlaa was gradually being taken over by this group. How he had managed to get a man on the inside, how he was starting to get information out, how he had realised that they were going to rescue Sudisir. And, yes, the dead man was probably their spy.

Nice way you chose for the confession, where the "resistance" of Lordbug falls. It works much better this way, than having had an explicit conversation written. The recurrent use of the "how he..." form adds to that.

The chapters ends very nicely, included the answer that Lordbug uses, precisely taking into account how Jefecra makes investigation. That helps not only to define Lordbug as a character, but also to enforce the previously presented characteristics of Jefecra.

27: Hunting the hunter

There was a Bandit here who owed him a favour. He needed some weapons and a Glyph

yeah perhaps this is only me... but I keep saying this should be "there". Also, the "he" this time has more danger, as one could assign that to the bandit, and I think is Sudisir, the one's needing it. You don't have to use always the term "sudisir" you can change it by "the dermorian", "the elf", "the raged wizard" ... I don't know ^^

For a brief moment, he was silhouetted against the morning sky. It was just long enough to attract the attention of a pair of very sharp Menki eyes.

Good to see non perfect spells. The moment of weakness for this one seems elegantly chosen, to me. I don't see any absolute logic that might lead to everyone admitting this as a fact (the contrast of light, making it a bit visible) but well, I think that the effect works, and the image is nice.

Arka’s handiwork lay smashed on her parents’ grave

layed ^^

“Nice work, Pinante, but shouldn’t we get a move on?”

  How right he is.

“If Arka thought it was worth risking her life for then we should make sure it wasn’t in vain.”

Somehow this doesn't at all fine. Perhaps "worth risking her life for this (the grave stone with the writing) "," then we should make..." (is it make sure, or be sure )

28: The net draws tighter

Rabartus was puzzled.
So are the readers.
We've gone from Lordbug and Jefecra, then Sudisir, then he being spotted by Nikoren and Pinante... who on earth is Rabartus? Ah! The other one searching for Arka. Teamed with Finara. Try to settle the reader ^^

The fact that Finara is "cheated" might sound a bit weird, but, I don't know if you made this intentionally, but seems that precisely because Finara's more intuitive, and tends to rely more on impulses, is why that "cheating" happened to her. Had she been Jefecra, and he would have asked for a prove, in order to leave the post. I don't know if this was casual, or intended. If it was intended, the subtility's nice.

There's a slight problem with Rabartus and Finara meeting immediately. One thinks that the first thing to ask would be "what are you doing here?" since Finara was meant to guard the door. With this, all the funny scene of the end collapses. So, the meeting should be prevented right from the start. How? Well, the simplest thing I'd say is, Finara doesn't know where Rabartus is. So she goes checking door after door on her own. The comments where Rabartus suspects about Zorbels might have been done as well, as he searches alone. Finds the scent of her all over the place (is Zorbels using some sort of parfum to fill all the air with her presence? Is Rabartus suggesting Zorbels should stay out on a rainy day for some time? Did they meet on previous adventures, and that's why Rabartus can distinguish Zorbels so accuratedly?) the suspicions arise, Zorbels is presented as an enigmatic character... all that can be done. Finara arrives. Rabartus turns, still the mind on Zorbels. "Zorbel's in the affair". Finara attention is lost for a moment. "What?". Thinks about the past. She was at the gate, Arka went away of Hydlaa, so did Zorbels after a while. Upon the mentioning of the gates, Rabartus notices that Finara's with him, and not at her post. Then asks... ok. All suits ^^

29: A cold trail

This chapter seems nicely written to me. If only a bit tricky to get in the part where Sudisir plans the ambush. I think that, in any case, the idea comes out nicely. He assumes Arka's on Akkaio, and trusts that Nikoren and Pinante might take her back to Hydlaa. He would be guarding the main road between Akkaio and Hydlaa, always facing Akkaio, to see them come to him.

I specially liked how you make Sudisir know that Arka's not in Ojaveda. Using Finara and Rabartus. It allows to also set the reader in action, because sees the parallel stories meeting in that point, so you can really fix the time where each story is taking place. It's good that those stories don't remain separated from start till the very end, but that also "cross" with each other.

30: The old path

Ok, we've Arka and Zorbels at front. Then Finara and Rabartus... followed by Sudisir... hehe the main road between Hydlaa and Ojaveda is filled with chasers!

Things I liked. The mentioning of Gronwin. I don't know for sure, but, knowing you, it might well be that Gronwin char did exist. It's nice how you introduce this, and I take that as a tribute to a player. It also helps to, then again, reinforce Arka personal traits, and also age related ones.

One more time, you use familiar landscapes, that help the readers to know the places you're talking to. Referring to that I've to say that what is described as the lake, would stand for the place where the Arena's meant to be (but since not loaded at all, it appears as a circular blue hole, giving the effect of the lake, similar to what you can see, or saw back in the time, from the windowless tower, when facing east hydlaa) in any case, this is not a mistake by itself. There are lakes in Yliakum, do you have to consider this a mistake, cause that place is where the Arena is and blabla? I don't think so. You're writing a story, you're perfectly able to create your landscape, and if there is a lake in there, then there is a lake in there. No worries.

He fingered he hilt of the short sword nervously. If only she was on her own

"the" hilt of a short sword... (kind of to avoid too many the)

[Nilrem]

31: Empty handed

Nice chapter, I specially like the way you end it. 

Little things to remark, perhaps adding a bit more describing how Finara enters the room where Gholmyrr and Jefecra are. Was the door slightly opened so she was able to see who were in? Had she to knock? We know she was beckoned to enter, buf that is after she realizing who was inside the room. Perhaps a bit more about how she realizes would have been great.

The other thing, is Jefecra tendancy to speak grandiloquent. IIRC, this was not to be spotted on him on previous chapters, and he had quite time for speeches. In this one, we've two times where he does that, the first is used as an introduction to allow you to state he used to talk that way, and the second one follows, shortly after, as if to reafirm that the statement is true. "See how he does?" you seem to tell us ^^. But we have accumulated other readings where he is present and, at least me at this moment, I don't recall those traits on him that marked.

32: Too Late

Due to the personal disputes, there's a group that is loosing track. While Zorbels and Arka head towards the cliffs to enter Hydlaa, Finara and Rabartus already arrived the city and Sudisir is about to, Nikoren and Pinante are still on Akkaio. Settling myself ^^

I cannot find anything worth remarking as "wrong" with this chapter. I like that you chose to have a group that doesn't get along very well, even if its due to a punctual decision to take. Adds realism to the story to have confrontations of opinions and personalities. It's good to see how each other gives the faults to the other one. The scenario chosing for that to take place, their respective beds, appart, with none of them being able to sleep is great.

33. A dead end

I've to say it. That invisibility glyph is abused in this story ^^. He might be invisible but... isn't he making any sound? No, 'cause he's cautious, and an elf, you reply. Geez... but he's been jailed, has been running through the lands for days, chasing... that one must stink and be percieved from a mile away!

Well done with the tension in this chapter, there's sort of a fight between Arka and Zorbels fears. One wanting to go away from Sudisir, the other from the heights. Finally it seems that Arka's the one that pulls harder, and literally takes Zorbels with her down the path of the crags. I must confess the vocabulary used here surpasses me, too much use of dictionary, and in this chapter nothing happens, since I think the image comes across nicely, but, there's a future chapter that I recall picturing and not having any sense what I imagined. Don't you ever simplify those words, though, I'm just complaining that, when you know little words, there are no crags, cliffs or the like, it's all mountain. And with one word you define it all, and nothing.

Enough of this, though. I think it has a nice flavour of suspense, very movie like and also with a slight Arka touch, for instance when Zorbels dares to ask for the reason the guards are searching for Arka, now that she sees dead as a real possibility, there's not much to loose, and she wants to fill her curiousity.

34: Ambush

Ok.
Once Gholmyrr lets Jefecra know that the note is not correct for the second time, they decide to pretend it is, and go no matter what to the agreed place.
The good ones are setting an ambush to the bad ones. But Gholmyrr thinks he's alone.

In any case, with those kind of readings, the reader has to know who is who. We've Gholmyrr, that we put in the good side, we've the ynnwn, that goes to the bad side, the two krans that fall into the bad side immediately, since they face a good one... and they ressemble those awaiting hints outside the tower from Sudisir... but a thing that might confuse the reader, if only a bit is:

The Ynnwn started to run, but was tackled by Bevon and quickly overcome

Yeah, the ynnwn runs away, then Bevon appears... wait a minute. Who's Bevon? Considering the amount of time since he appeared, probably, readers don't recall who that one is. It might well be the mighty pet that the tv inspectors always have with them. But no, Bevon was the guard, in charge of Sudisir, when he was jailed in the tower. Somehow that should be hinted, I don't know adding... "the guard Bevon" or something like that.

Regarding the way Krans are attacked, I always had my concerns with that. Krans are rocky. Personally, I don't think an arrow's the best way to attack them. Even less if their two. I once elocubrated about ways of killing without weapons. Using magic to domain the water element, all organic beings could be killed, just by freezing an amount of the water proportion that constitute their bodies. Freezed from the inside, so to say. Krans do not obey that rule, though. They're rock. How to kill them? I used to think about deserts. Deserts are rock killers. Following that logic, a coordinated attack of mighty magicians, the first heating the kran, the second cooling it, might cause in the kran body, the same effect that the abrupt temperature changes cause to the rocks in the desert. Breaking into pieces. I did never had a killer char, but in any case, the one I had that would try to focus on magic, was not meant to learn the red way, he'd try to learn about the blue, though. I entertained myself thinking how to kill a kran with blue way only. If a crack on the kran body was to be found, and some water was avaiable nearby, it was a matter of putting liquid water into it, and make it freeze afterwards. The expansion would cause a bigger crack. Repeating the process, might lead to Kran's destruction. Tricky, indeed. But I've always considered Krans hard to beat. I don't know if this has changed by now, but, back in the time, there was few information about them. I always pictured Krans as not needing weapons, nor armour, for their particular consitution. It could also be a race pride, not to need those accessories. But that's just me perhaps, I won't yell at you if you make appear a kran equiped with a dagger.

“We need to… err… extract some information from this one,” said Jefecra indicating the Ynnwyn.

ynnwn

Gholmyrr waited in Jefecra’s office while Jefecra and Bevon interrogated the Yllian.

wait... wasn't it an ynnwn?

One last thing, subtle. When Gholmyyr asks Lordbug if Jefecra told him about the just made arrest, Lordbug simply answers "No". With that, we've the picture that Jefecra went to Lordbug's jail (he was still arrested right? cause Gholmyrr's suposition had not been yet proved) and he was the one to open the door and let Lordbug out. Somehow, this gives me a feeling of smallness. Jefecra's the chief of the guards, if he's the one meant to go to open the door to incorrectly jailed beings, it feels as if the guard's are conformed by a couple of friends. Jefecra, as a chief, has a more urgent thing to attend to, interrogate the Ynnwn. So probably he had someone sent to where Lordbug is, to communicate him that is free, and that can go and meet Gholmyrr.
So, ok to Gholmyrr's question, perhaps he indeed assumed Jefecra went in person to free Lordbug (would have been a gesture) but when Lordbug answers, you could have tried him to tell that it was another one the one that communicated him the end of the enclosure. I don't know, I felt I had to tell you this, even if it's something that is not explicitly written in the text, but it was the feeling I got.

[Nilrem]

35: A rock and a hard place

This chapter feels a bit Indiana Jones. Specially at its end, with the big rock falling through the cliff and destroying the path they had to take. So they've a hole in their way, and Sudisir on their back. Nice way of ending the chapter.

Fortunately, you describe very well Arka's decision, and Zorbels hesitation, or otherwise, reading this could have been tricky:

Zorbels looked at the crags below her feet. She could feel the panic rising in her.

“We have to go. Now.”

She bit her lip and nodded.

“Just keep close to the cliff face and don’t look down. I’ll go first.”

Arka moved onto the narrow ledge. “Come on.”

The one speaking is always Arka. But I don't know if someone might have assigned some of those sentences to Zorbels. Specially the first one. Perhaps you could have added "We've to go. Now" - hurried Arka, looking intently to Zorbels' eyes. Or you could have chose to offer a hand, instead of looking to the eyes. Perhaps I'm saying nonesense, and noone would ever have had such a confusion, but it's easy ensuring this does not happen, nonetheless.

Oh... and the chapter were I recall being lost, is just about to come ^^. Perhaps when rereading the blur I once had, is no longer.

36: Unexpected help

But... it's not Sudisir!! 

The boulder crashed into the ground and ran up against a high fence below. There was a loud boom and the sound of splintering wood. Sudisir looked up from the path below. He saw the two figures clinging to the rock face and immediately recognised Arka.

We all assumed it was Sudisir, since Arka seemed to recognize him a while back. Well done here placing a twist. (aka hitting readers on the face  )

This was the chapter that I read, and caused me confusion... let's see this time.
Er... I think I failed again ^^
Let's see, perhaps I'm picturing this wrong.

There's a too few wide path that goes down the top of the "mountain" to below, where Hydlaa awaits. Said path, is, at one side the rock of the mountain itself, and at the other, a cliff.
A rock thrown from above, breaks the path, and produces a hole. A gap, that has to be sorted.
They consider climbing the rocky wall, till they reach the part where the road is there again, but there is nowhere to hold themselves on the rock. They discard it.
The path makes turns on its way, but, if they look below them, where the path is too, the distance is too large, and they don't want to risk jumping, nor "climbing down" the rock. They decide to "jump" the gap, sort of Indiana Jones style, with the whip. ^^

I think this is the situation.
Arka then is on Zorbels shoulders, to reach higher, and uses the hammer to set her chisel firmly into the rock. This chisel has a "rope" (made of cloak parts) attached to it.
Then she uses the rope, to jump, balance herself, and let her fall on the other side of the path.
Ok. Let's see.

Picturing the scene, where Zorbels holds Arka... Zorbels stands as close as she's able to the very edge, with Arka on her shoulders, but, anyway... how long would the chisel be, from the edge? Not in height, but in parallel distance from the edge. Not much, I think. Arka is on Zorbels shoulders... that distance could be like... what... Arka's arm? That's not much.

In order for the system to really help, the place where the chisel should be is as close to the center as possible. Understanding the center, as the middle point in the gap. And yes, high too. But distance from the edges, equalling one side, and the other. That way, the system would actually help.

As I pictured it, the gap has to be large enough as to discard a direct jump. That puts the actual chisel, really close to the edge. In other words, if I'm picturing the scene correctly, the rope system would not help much, if any.

I really don't know if I got that wrong or not, but, how I pictured is how I've tried to write it now, and somehow the system doesn't seem very solid to me. (Well, nor to Zorbels although she was able to pass ) It's also possible that I got this right, and that in fact, what the chapter tries to transmit is that what they both needed is a bit of faith, and decision in the jump. Faith that was brought to them by that invention that, even not being really helpful (placebo) at least psycologicaly, since they thought it was a smart idea, and they both worked to make it come true, insuflated in each one of them enough bravety as to really attempt the jump, that not to long ago, seemed impossible for them.

Nice detail at the end, where Arka thinks about not leaving the rope there, in case the one above decides to follow. She really doesn't know if the fireball had had any effect, and it's a nice addition that you put in there that trait of Arka. Although, the system used, again, to free the rope doesn't seem very adecuate, unless it hides a subtle noir humour in it. Arka's pulling the rope in order to free it!
It's as if the rope then, since she manages to get it that way, could have failed at any moment during both jumps. A most conservative option, would have been to simply cut it. Arka just used a knife a moment ago

The ending of the chapter is fine, the landscape chosen, greeny grass in a lonely place, soft wind, no voices, transmits the calm that both chars feel once the descending is finished. They do deserve to sank in the grass pool.

37: A confession

er... after rereading this chapter, and seeing all I've written... I do think you've not been offended by any of my comments in here... o.O *swallows*

You try to deviate our attention to those psicotic guards, that enjoy making pain to the prisioners but... once the chapter's read... one wonders... were you actually trained for this? ^^

The labyrint for the animal, enlarging the mental torture... broken fingers... marked back thanks to a whip... salt on bloody cuts... rat chewing your belly...
Doesn't sound as if you had to search a lot for those torture methods... do you actually watch lots of noir movies, or read similar novels? Cause the atmosphere is there...

Oh wait.. did I mention whip again? Hey, I think I can just make a record, and put the name Indiana Jones, with some basement for it, in three consecutive topics. Amazing. There you have it. Impossible is nothing. *cash sound*

And... *realizes Arka's signature*

"knowledge seekers, we've come to teach" to teach... teach what? o.O *shivers*



;P

The unnecessary comment of the day:

Jefecra was satisfied that he had all has going to get.

I think this should be: "that he had all he was going to get" in order to make some sense (at least to me).
If not... add that to the things you could "teach" me ^^

[Nilrem]

38: Missing

In this chapter mainly I miss some hints for the readers.
Perhaps today's not my day but... I was wondering, what was the reason that made Zorbels and Arka return to Hydlaa?
It was mentioned too long time ago, you'd try to refresh central ideas once in a while, to not loose the focus of your story. Because you've a story to tell, and very well planned.

Examples of places where to refresh readers memory:

When Arka is so insistant on going to the University, seeking for Lordbug. Zorbels and her are still recovering from the adrenaline raising that the closeness of "Sudisir" (it really wasn't him) caused to them. It would have been a good moment to put a justification. Why Arka wants to see Lordbug, and agrees to leave Zorbels there, even if knowing there's potential danger? Probably it's because Lordbug already helped her (Arka) in the first encounter with Sudisir. Since they think Sudisir's after them, it might be a good idea to have on your side those that helped you to defeat him the first time.
This way you'd add a reason for Arka leaving Zorbels for that period of time, an objective to be reached with her visit to the University.

At the end of the chapter, there's something that doesn't fit. It's only one or two words away from fitting, to be honest. I'm referring to Arka sleeping. When Arka returns to the grassy zone, where Zorbels theoretically was hiding, and awaiting for her return, Zorbel's gone. Arka knows that she would not leave like that, and awaits for her some time. Once that's over, she assumes that something bad has happened to Zorbels, either way, there would have been a sign in there, to calm her down, and inform about the situation. In other words, Arka cannot feel calm. Even if she returns to the University, a beloved place to her, and her own bed, so long since she last slept in there... you just needed to add, that she felt asleep out of the tiredness. Cause as you picture it, she removes the sheets, gets into the bed, puts the sheets back... seems too much a natural way of sleeping, as if nothing happened. But Arka's surely wary, Zorbel's missing! So probably, she opened the room door, closed her eyes and sighed, seeing again her "home" and falls exhausted on the bed, where she gets asleep in almost no time.

39: Loose ends

A setting up chapter. Nice timing, where we see both sides planning their respective plans.

In the first part, I liked the detail of Jefecra having a camp bed, behind a furniture, since he usually spent the nights inside his office, immersed as he always is in his investigations.
The number of beings to make the final assault to the seven seems a bit short to me. Yes, the idea is taking them by surprise, but, still... they're 15 anonymus persons, plus Rabartus, Finara and Jefecra, and also Gholmyrr and Lordbug. 20 against 7?
And they don't even know if those that are named the "seven" will be alone or not. Seems that the Hydlaa guards need more advertizing on the streets, in order to recruit people ^^

Who was K? Where was Sudisir? Was Arka safe? What was Zorbels’ role in all this?

Here you use Jefecra's doubts to enlight the reader. Thanks for doing that, as this way, everyone remembers what the misteries not yet solved are.

There's a switch now for Sudisir. We're told how he captured Zorbels. Invisibility glyph once again. Geez... that glyph must be really worn out. The image of Zorbels being pulled on the Hydlaa streets is funny, imagine someone might have spotted that, Sudisir might have had a good time playing the puppet.
Those cellars... hey those cellars are really crowded, aren't they? IIRC, previously in the story, either Sudisir or some of his mates where hiding down below too. Not to mention that Arka also hides in the cellar when reaching her town. Mmmm... first place to explore from now on to every Yliakum detective out there. Cellars. 

40: A meeting of equals

There was a trail of scorched grass between here and the cliff edge

I keep saying that, for me, it sounds better using "there" instead of "here". 

“It’s a long story.”
“I have time. You can tell me.”

 

There's no much to say in here. Just praise the gesture that you've towards other players, incorporating them into your stories, and, in this case, providing a link for your readers to check the background story of one of the chars that has an intervention in this, your 2nd "book".

This mixing of lives, with chars, is what creates community feeling, and helps to improve to all the parts that are playing the story. Congratulations on having achieved that, even with your "literary concessions"

There's, although, one little thing. It's regarding Sudisir. Personally, I don't see why he goes to the crags, to try to find the elf. I don't see why that interest on him, specially when he has Zorbels already, and seems his in disposition of commanding the events towards where he wants. Truth is that some help would be always welcome, but he does not go there with the aim of getting help from another, he just fired him some hours ago, and all because Sudisir wants to be the one killing Arka, and no other.
Perhaps that, explaining why Sudisir decides to go to find the elf, what he expects to do (surely not what he ends finding) is what is a bit unclear in this chapter. Other than that... no comments. It's great reading (even rereading) and I'm starting to see that I'll someday end with this, which is a relieving feeling, I've to add

[Nilrem]

41: The Muster

This chapter has lots of tiny details of your humour. I love that you put that into your writings, it makes them more entertaining to read, even.

Gholmyrr rubbed his eyes and yawned, as Jefecra appeared carrying three steaming bowls on a tray.

Gholmyrr just saw Jefecra with one of those black skirts with that white thingy on the lap of Jefecra. And Jefecra is still a he. And that he, is still the boss of all the guard of Hydlaa. ^^

I like how the chapter starts, in a lazy way, almost in another dimension. A nice morning, tea, sleep... a high contrast with the past chapters, and also a nice preparation for the tension that follows shortly after, where we're pressented all the "army" ready to strike. That contrast of situations was smartly chosen.

There will be more than seven there,

As I said before... yes, that's predictable. But... there's no change. They stick with the 20. It's weird that they take that risk, in an assault, not to entirely be sure that they overcome in number the ones assaulted. True, they've the surprise factor on their side, but still...

“Now men,” began Jefecra. Finara pulled a face.

  Now that's Arka trademark from now on. ^^

Now, disperse and make your way to the rendezvous(...)Once you arrive at the meeting place, make yourselves inconspicuous. The meeting will have started by then but there will doubtless be various look-outs.

Now this is the Jefecra we've been presented to, in pure state. Such a particular way of encouraging his men. "rendezvous" "inconspicuous" I do wonder how he managed not to spit when saying this last word. Jefecra indeed likes to talk in a pompous way. Poor soldiers. I am wondering... if a sword hit Jefecra... he would not shout "AAGGHHH!!!" but try to say something more poetic, right? ^^ (yeah... I'm being a bit cheater in here, and also slightly evil, since I know what will happen next... The advantadge of rereading the chapters... but I'll try to take again this comment, if I recall it, when its time arrives. )

The last conversation between Gholmyrr and Lordbug is one of those that show they're friends; at the same time, it's also light enough as to transmit the inner tension that they both have, but none of them wants to show off.
In that sense, the last sentence you put is great:

But he was clearly worried. And although he didn’t show it, so was Gholmyrr.

42: Searching

So far, the only thing in this chapter that might be up to some discussion, is Arka determination to try each and every place of Hydlaa, to try to find Zorbels. Considering that Hydlaa's a big city, this method of simple force, try each building one by one, doesn't seem the most effective. Truth is that Arka's desperate, and that wants to do something, to try something, in case the bell rings.

In any case, at the beginning of this chapter, Arka, after the initial disorientation, is strook by the fact that Zorbels is missing. This comes to reafirm my comment, that she can't have had a pleasant sleep, but more an sleep product of extenuation. If it had been for her, she would have started the search the night before.

One of the things to remark, is how you live the situation. I don't know if that takes you much thinking, but, in any case, in this chapter there's a detail that was pleasant to see.
I'm referring to the hood. Indeed, a logical step for Arka to take, is to try not to be recognized. Guards are following her, but she still doesn't know why. Better to avoid them. Using the hood and the cape, is a normal decision.
What is not that usual to see, is that you, as a writer, consider not only the advantages (which is what usually only happens) but also the disadvantages that decision carries:

With the hood over her head, Arka didn’t hear the light footsteps that followed.

To this, I can only say: 

43: Seven minus one

Ok.
Let's see if I got this right.
Goods are 20.
Bads are at least, 7.
We're told that the building has only one side that has no entrance, and that each entrance has 2 guards in it. 6 guards in total, outside the building.
Bads are now, at least 13. Mmm... this is starting to sound dangerous.

Fortunately there's almighty Rabartus in there. Solid Snake plus Sam Fisher, with a bit of Ethan Hunt. That guy really throws the daggers accurately. Nice detail on hiding the corpse, even if the other guard does not ever see it, but just shows cautiousness, and talks of experience.
So once Rabartus makes his minute of glory, we've goods 20, bads at least 11. That seems a bit more fair.
Jefecra then comes with Finara, plus Gholmyrr and Lordbug. Rabartus and his companions will take care of the guards outside the house, while the rest enters inside the building.
Let's see. Each leader had, under its commandment, 5 soldiers. This makes a total of 6 good, against 4 bad in the outside. Sounds fair. Specially seeing how Rabartus has managed till now.
In the inside, we've then 14 good, against, at least 7. Perfect, this is double. Did you actually plan it that way?

Well done with the details of the whistle and the courtain, that add to that feeling of sudden intrusion that all the ones at the table surely have. Nice twist when they all realize that Kehela's the one behind it all. Jefecra is hit, he doesn't say any pumpous sentence though ^^, and Kehela dissapears. Invisibility glyph again? :S

Good how when exiting, the population has gathered to see what was going on. This eavesdropping thing is so common.

Even if Jefecra's wounded, the feeling that one has after reading this is that, despite the grandiloquence of the speech Jefecra made the day before, things weren't that big. It was really not that dangerous, nor that hard to capture those. Which, I've to say, sometimes it's good this way, cause they were meeting, theoretically without anyone knowing it, and it's not as if they had an army going with them as to yell "Hey! We're here!" so well done not having to necessarily recreate an epic battle to capture the bad one (even if in this case is not captured)

[Arka]

There's, although, one little thing. It's regarding Sudisir. Personally, I don't see why he goes to the crags, to try to find the elf. I don't see why that interest on him, specially when he has Zorbels already, and seems his in disposition of commanding the events towards where he wants. Truth is that some help would be always welcome, but he does not go there with the aim of getting help from another, he just fired him some hours ago, and all because Sudisir wants to be the one killing Arka, and no other.
Perhaps that, explaining why Sudisir decides to go to find the elf, what he expects to do (surely not what he ends finding) is what is a bit unclear in this chapter. Other than that... no comments. It's great reading (even rereading) and I'm starting to see that I'll someday end with this, which is a relieving feeling, I've to add

My feeling about Sudisir is that he sees himself as superior to those around him - he is an ancient Elf - not as Arka mistakes him for, an ordinary inhabitant of Yliakum (and this is revealed later). He shows his arrogance in the contempt he shows the Seven after his rescue by pursuing his own agenda - in fact he was using the Seven, just as he used others (in Story1). He is also obsessed with killing Arka - almost pathologically obsessed. The last thing he wants is someone else beating him to it - that would be humiliating. So, he is curious about what happened to the other elf - did his fireball finish him off? He wants to make sure - and (here's the arrogance again) he wants to see if the other Elf is a threat. So he sets off to look for him, probably intending to kill him. When he hears the story, he realises he can use this elf to his own ends (and this will resurface in a future tale)

One way I could have conveyed this is for Sudisir, sitting in the darkness of the cellar having one of his 'inner conversations':

Sudisir's pride was hurt. Who WAS that elf at the top of the crags? What was he doing there? And, most importantly, why was he interested in Arka? The fireball should have put paid to him; it was powerful enough. But the doubt was beginning to gnaw at him. If the elf had survived, would he try to get to Arka again?

Sudisir wrestled with this as he tried to sleep. He had the Fenki now; it was a matter of time before he had Arka too. So what if the elf had survived? He would realise that he had met his match in Sudisir and would keep away. But it was a loose end. And Sudisir hated loose ends. He had nearly reached his goal; he could not risk it all now. He would climb the crags just to check his spell had hit its mark. He knew he would find the elf's body and that would be the end of it. No risks, no problem. Then he could get the sleep he needed. Sudisir made a brief check on the unconsious Zorbels, made sure the door was secure, then headed up the steps out of the cellars.

How's that?

(And thanks for all the comments - I am learning a lot from this)

Arka

[Nilrem]

How's that?

I think it's certainly a nice addition to comprehend better the twisted mind that Sudisir has.
As I mentioned, the idea that Sudisir wants to be the only one killing Arka, and letting no other do that in his place is correctly understood, but your addition is wonderful. Once you've real characters created, you can expand your story as long as you really want to, since they're solid and have distinct personalities. Your boredom marks the limit, no story is ever complete, in the sense of exhausting writer ideas. They simply stop writing them, cause they're fed up, or ended bored with it. That, as long as the chars are well created, and there's actually something to be told. You've both things

Oh. Thanks for your words too. It's good that you say you're learning something, although this is not a masterclass nor anything. I'm just sharing my thoughts as a reader of your stories, with the aim of being of use, of course, otherwise I would not be writing all this, but it's certainly comforting to know that this all has some use for you. Perhaps also for others having read your stories, at least the intention is that you're not the only one taking some profit of this, that being the case, all this would be better put in PM. I want to think, though, that some of my thoughts are shared by other readers, perhaps if they decide to make a little story one day, they can take profit of this amount of lines of comments. That's the intention.

44: The black dagger

“Looking for your friend?”

Just... great start. It's not that the char is shocked, it's that we are shocked. The sudden change of situation, from Jefecra, wounded, being carried home, to this yet unknown place were we are now, makes the reader feel the same as Arka. It's an abrupt start, right to the point, hit.

Stupid comment of the day:

She must tell Lordbug.

should be "had to tell" I think.

Arka suspects about that being a trap. And she's right. On chapters to come, you reveal how she undoubtfully realizes that all that is a trap. And it's a nice planned way to do so. But, in this case, Sardit is the one delivering the message. It is not only that Arka might be reluctant towards Sardit, because she never met him before, and now appears as holding information from Zorbels, and even one of her daggers as a proof of "trust". That reluctancy from Arka towards Sardit, is clear in the writing.

But there's also reluctancy on the other way around. That is, Sardit does hate dwarves. So, it is not as if he approached any other race, which he could do in a neutral way, pretending a casual meeting, or even being a Zorbels's friend. In this case, Sardit has also reluctancy to talk to Arka. Even if the objective is to kill her, if Sardit really hates dwarves that much, it might be also a problem for him to even address to them. That is, somehow, Sardit has to hold himself, hide his real feelings, when talking to Arka.
And that could have been spotted by Arka too, in form of the way he looked at her, or the way he replied, using cutting answers. Later you could have easied the feeling, stating that Arka thought "oh well, perhaps he was shy" or something on the lines. But it would have been interesting to try to transmit to the reader all that inner fight.

Arka fighting with herself to belief what Sardit was saying, in her aim to find Zorbels, and Sardit fighting with himself, with his rage towards dwarves, trying to represent the role he was assigned to by Sudisir.

45: A difficult journey

Thanks for returning us to Nikoren and Pinante.
It was long since we had the chance to know what they were doing. Apparently, not much has changed.
They're still angry at each other, having lost both Arka and Sudisir. I mentioned earlier that, those discussion, those conflicts between partners of the same team, add to the realism of the writing.

“True, although pedantic is the word I would choose.”

“Obsessive.”

They both laughed. There was nothing like having fun at someone else’s expense to make people forget their differences.

This is a very tender part. It immediately creates a bound between the readers and both chars, not only for the "beauty" of their "reconciliation", but above all, for the extremely human feeling that it transmits. Having fun at someone else's expense makes people forget their differences. This really feels close, and is real. Helps a lot to humanize the characters, and make them feel close.

We switch to Lordbug and Gholmyrr.
Another stupid comment:

“Ahh! It’s good to be home. Hello! What’s this?”

I've seen this written more than once, in other english texts. Everytime, I smile. I know it's stupid to do so, cause it's correct, but, somehow, for me it's funny to see "hello!" used in that context, as I've always seen it for greeting to people. I just had to say it. ^^

This doesn’t make sense. Zorbels would never climb the tower. At least, not willingly

There.

I could try to repeat myself, and say that in this part with Gholmyrr and Lordbug some gestures are missing, such as in here:

“What’s Zorbels doing with her?

“I’ve no idea.”

Surely Lordbug is turning towards Gholmyrr, while still holding the letter... but well, that would be repeating myself, and not adding anything new at all.

[Nilrem]

46: A tricky climb

“Don’t look down,” she said to herself. Then it struck her. There was no way Zorbels, with her fear of heights would willingly climb this tower.

Very well connected how Arka realizes that, indeed, a trap has been set on her.

Spurred on by the thought of her friend at the mercy of that fiend, Sudisir, she ran up the stairs.

I don't know how much of a literary word fiend is, but I'll assume it is. Nice play with words in here, friend for Zorbels, fiend for Sudisir. 

This whole chapter happens inside the tower. It's an incredible exercise of description, and a great one, specially since it helps a lot to recall the inside of the windowless tower. You tend to use a lot places or buildings that are in game, to help the identification with the reader and the world.

I've to say that, at the beginning of the story, I thought that the tower you were referring to, was the windowless tower. I'm referring to the place where the guards were, and Sudisir was kept, and where the krans went to search in the garbage. Obviously, when reaching this chapter, the idea is thrown to the basketcase. It's been always a weird building, that tower.

While its height can be justified as some kind of place to serve as observation of the lands around Hydlaa city, its weird that it does not have windows (that weirdity is what earned it a name amongst the population) and also, by its look, it seems the same material as the Laanx Temple. Its spiky forms, seem to talk about a common origin, built by the Xachas I assume. It would certainly be nice to know the story behind the tower.

But that's not essential for this story of yours. Here you describe the inside of the tower, and, certainly, it might be as weird as the outside.

It always seemed out of place to me, when I had the chance of visiting it, or even attempt to climb it. This feeling is even stronger when I see your written words.

It's just an abandoned tower. Plain and simple. It shows such a decaiment, such a passed time feeling that it's hard to believe that the tower is inside a city. It's not lost in the lands, but inside the biggest city of all Yliakum. And its inside is in ruins. The hangings on the walls, half destroyed... the stair, that should be all made out of solid rock, has lots of parts with wooden bridges, or even wooden common stairs. You also remark the lack of "safety" measures, absence of handrail.

I'm not blaming your description, I mean, the tower you describe is exactly like that in the game. I'm just voicing my feelings about the weirdity of the construction itself.
In fact, I remember when I went "climbing" it, that it was repetitive and boring, somehow climbing with the help of your words is more entertaining. Congratulations.

As a sidenote, there's, almost at the end, a moment where Arka almost falls to the void, due to the poor state of a wood bridge. How that system might exist inside a building is something beyond my understanding but, in any case, if I recall correctly, more or less at that height there was a bug, that caused you to fall all your way down, unless you jumped. Arka has to jump to advance in that spot. That's certainly a subtle wink for all the players, and it has also that bit of humour that you use that often. It's certainly Arka style.

And Arka bites her tongue accidentaly... now that hurts. 

47: Sudisir

Nice how Arka realizes that, despite she is armed, the tower configuration makes her unable to use them. In that sense, weapons seem, more than ever, a heavy weight for ther to carry, rather than any help.

She emerged, blinking into the light to see Zorbels

This is another example where you show how you put yourself in situation. Most (I include myself) would have not stopped on that detail. The character just gets out and let's go to the action. But no, indeed if the inner side of the tower, windowless, is so dark, the light contrast should be noticeable. It's the afternoon. So well done there, it shows that you care and think about details.

“You can let Zorbels go, Sudisir. This is just between you and me.”

but so classical. Too much, in fact. It's not that is bad, but I think you could have come with something different.

If only she could keep him talking long enough for Lordbug to get here…

aahhh... why all "evil" have that desire to make the speech?
Probably because they're so bad, so bad, noone ever listens to them, and, since they've been preparing those plans for such a long time, it's such a pity that noone else in the world really can realize how perfect and thought that plan is. ^^

Comments:
Here we see more Sudisir personality. His feeling of superiority, the way he talks and addresses others, the sarcasm aiming to hurt.

I still miss some gestures, but they don't need to be very detailed, the focus has to be on Arka and Sudisir exchanging of sentences, but just only that seems a bit poor. Perhaps some remark about an smile from Sudisir, or a frown from Arka would be nice. Mmmm forget it, perhaps the rythm would be lost.

48: A history lesson

Indeed, a history lesson.

Nice additions with the names you have in there:
Erengabord. Aoelfrae. Nibin-Noeg. Rodfrakem. Perrakithor.

One of the dangers that using "invented" or "other language" words in a writing, is that you might end up loosing the reader. While it might be an addition of showing another culture (with its own language) a too dense, or lenghty talk, might lose the reader, since there's no way he/she knows the language.
Doing it with localized words, here and there, allows us to not get lost.
I guess this is with salt on cooking. It has to be on its right measure, otherwise its distateful.
In this chapter, pretty much anyone can imagine (if not explicitly stated in the reading) what each of those words stands for. Which is good.

It's nice that you added some background to Sudisir, and that twist you try to make, when Sudisir and Arka common past histories don't seem to have coincidences (and they should have) and Arka invites him to discover the "truth" together.

It's also interesting that you make those two talk, and both are very experienced, in the sense of age, that particular touch that, a childhood offense for them, becomes a history fact for other races, since for them (those other races) few generations passed between that chapter and the present time.

To all of this... where's Sardit?

PS:

She knew she had to take action now or she would die here

I still think... yeah. There. ^^

[Nilrem]

49: A lucky meeting

Mmm... Nikoren and Pinante casually meet Lordbug and Gholmyrr that are on their way to the tower.
Pinante teleports them four, spending all his mana in the process.

Now...
Let's rewind.
Weren't Pinante and Nikoren trying to follow Sudisir, that was after Arka? Furthermore, don't they decide that Sudisir heads to Arka's town, where Pinante had been in the past, and decide that there is where Arka was?
If that's the case... why Pinante did not teleport himself to Arka town, in the first place, so he could warn that Sudisir was following her, or even try to protect Arka himself?
The only explanation not to teleport, would be that Pinante doesn't know the town, but, iirc, he states that he knows it, since he was there before.
Also, there's a fight between Nikoren and Pinante, later in the story, so they definitely want to reach Arka.

Just what came to mind when reading the use of the "spell".

What follows later, comes to sustain my sentences. The design of the tower is weird. Slippery surface.

For a moment, they stared at each other, before Arka slipped, pulling Sudisr heavily onto his front.

This is the sentence I don't understand much.
Sudisir is almost falling off the tower, is on the floor, but half of his body is already outside of it, facing the abyss. Arka is full out ouf the tower, not falling because she's holding herself on Sudisir wrists. Sudisir fights with the extra weight, and moves frentically his legs, trying to find somewhere to hold them. Then your sentence comes.
Arka slips. If she's holding Sudisir wrists, slipping from there only would lead to hold herself on Sudisir hands. Which won't be very wise, cause Sudisir would have it easier to free himself of her. Perhaps you meant slip for the feet? That Arka tries to find somewhere to put her feet on, but since the tower is so vertical and polished, there's no holding possible? I assumed this last possibility, and that due to Arka leg movements trying to desperately find a place to hold herself (besides Sudisir's wrists) is what caused Sudisir to slip even more to the edge.

“Let go, Lordbug,” called Arka, “better we both perish.”

This, for the movie

It was rather like wrestling a snake, he thought.

Nice comparison you found there. It indeed has to feel like this.

At some point she would have to let go of his wrists

I think this should be "off" 

Then, everything seemed to happen at once. At the moment Arka let go, Sudisir kicked Gholmyrr, breaking his nose. Blood streamed out and Gholmyyr lost his grip. Lordbug was still holding Arka’s arms, her boots scrabbling for a foothold. Sudisir jumped to his feet and held up the Red Glyph.

“No!” shouted Nikoren and Zorbels, both running towards the elf.

Nice way of ending the chapter. The snake finally frees himself.
The problem here is that two persons tried to do all the work. Pinante is exhausted, ok. But you've Zorbels and Nikoren only looking.

I'm not saying that they should have been there, pulling from Sudisir altogheter... but, at least they could have thought. Instead, they equiped their weapons. Somehow, the image looks unrealistic. You've two partners, one pulling from Sudisir legs up, the other awaiting to be able to reach Arka, to help her be up the tower again. The other two, are looking at the scene, with weapons equiped. Awaiting what? A fight? It kind of seems not fitting.

But what, for me, is less fitting in here is that, all the whole problem resides on not being able to hold Sudisir. There's a problem with holding his legs, that Gholmyrr has to try to handle himself alone, and another problem with his wrists. Apparently, if he has the wrists not able to move freely, he won't be able to cast any spell (if I understood correctly your writing. Then again, it's not a thing I'd roleplay that way myself... but neither the glyphs as only source of magic so... each one has its views ^^) well... all this, then, is a matter of holding.

So where's the problem? Wasn't Zorbels held, just a moment ago, with a rope? Why noone uses the rope, to solve the issue? Specially Zorbels should be aware of that, since she has been tied during quite some time already, and the idea could have gone through her mind more easily than for the others.

Possible explanation. Nikoren had so much hurry to free her, that cut the rope with a sword, and the resulting pieces were too short. This might be a bit forced, but might justify it. But, then again, Zorbels might have warned him not to cut the rope, to be able to use it with Sudisir.
If Arka would have not freed Zorbels's mouth before, there could have been a nice show in here. Nikoren approaches, and sees Zorbels gesturing desperately, shaking her head. He takes that as her wishing to be freed of the ties, so cuts the rope, so badly that the resulting pieces are not very long. Once Zorbels has hands free, she takes out the cloth from her mouth and shouts to Nikoren about his action aborting any chance to use the rope with Sudisir.

I know what you're thinking. It's funny that I'm saying this, when I don't plan what I write. You're right. But it's nice to see those things, when they're already done I really cannot blame you for not planning all the story. I don't do it either. 

Before I end this report... I think I was wrong with the thing about Sudisir. He must be able to cast spells, even if he has her wrists hold. Wasn't he able to cast the invisibility glyph that was thrown to his mouth from the bird, when he was going to be executed? I think he had wrists tied in there, at least the feet I recall having. Well, I don't know... that was long ago ^^

  Lenghty post again... 

 

[Nilrem]

50: Disappearing Act

Balloons.

It's shocking. In two ways. The first one, since it was not expected (which is good). The second one, because it goes out of the line of the story (this is not as good ).

While it's certain that you add those humouristic moments in all your writings, this seems a bit out of place, because it's a decisive action. If all the story was meant to be in a funny direction, then this would have not shocked as much, somehow, you've to reread twice, because you don't believe that they're really balloons.

But it's ok. It's accepted, balloons. Problem is that, as I mentioned to you on earlier posts, I don't like magic being used like this. It's a matter of personal taste, I guess, and probably affected by my unexperience in this kind of games, or even literature. For me, even if its called magic, still has certain laws. Creating balloons out of nowhere, covering the top of the tower doesn't seem to follow that logic of laws.

I recall I once did a writing that was meant to be funny. There was an evil magician that was about to kill the "hero" but forgot about the spell. So he had to take out a book and check for the right words to say (you know how incredibly hard to say are those spell words in the movies) while he was doing that, the "hero" attacked with his sword, and managed to cut the wizard's belt. The wizard then looked down, seeing how his pants started to fall, and then the hero moved the sword again to cut the evil's head. Well. It was just all a stupidity.

Somehow, for me, magic is something more. It's not a matter of popping rabits from hats and that stuff. I'm also dissapointed when I see how magic is normally used in the game (or was, to be strict, since I cannot check the actual state of things) even in supposedly serious ways. The way the healings are done, for instance, its just not of my liking. You cast and you heal. Kind of simplistic. It does not only lower the level of the harm done to the char, but it also lowers the level of magic; magic as a concept. Well, I'm deviating from the topic, this is not to be talked in here, but it's fair that you know that my reluctancies towards that magic have its origins not solely on what you write. It's something that comes from a deeper past, in the game.

I guess each one has its own views. And I've to admit that the way of solving the situation is original, and unexpected. I'm not entirely sure how the balloons manage to deviate the flame burst, but well, just imagining the scene is funny enough as to not wonder too much.

Arka looked over the edge expecting to see his broken body on the stone pavement below. There was no sign of him.
(...)
It was true; the body had disappeared.

That's perfect. Sudisir had the gentleness of using once again the invisibility glyph, so we were not meant to see all his body pieces splashed against the rocky floor. You've avoided the censors of the RIAA, you still hold the "To all publics" rating for your "2nd book"

It's interesting to see how you leave some misteries, such as the carry those elves have.
People can wonder if Sudisir survived, or would be "resurrected" if the corpse was brought to some powerful magician in the right time.
There's also the open way of Sardit.

Also, you go facing paths, in case you wanted to make another story. Arka's determination to find about the language and history of her kind. The aim to know the truth, even if for that the vision of Sudisir might be needed. That role of collecting history might even be more increased now that Arka's the director of the KS.

There's, although, one thing you forget about, when we reach the happy ending with the partners at the bottom of the tower. Well, besides Zorbels being exhausted and dizzy, there's no mention to others. Slightly for Pinante, that has again teleported, this time only one (Zorbels) so he's again exhausted too. But what about the others? Yeah, seems that Lordbug had nothing grave up there, nor Arka besides of the frightening of almost falling from the top of the tower... Nikoren... well he is not mentioned, does not seem he had went through many torments anyway up there. But, Gholmyrr? Geez, that one has his nose broken and probably bleeding and there's no mention about that
You forgot about that nose?

Well done at the end of the chapter, relaxing things, making view to the reader also, that the end is near (the end of the story) and that the action, the climax, is left behind. The feeling of things calming down is achieved by the mention of Zorbels sleeping, and Arka trying to focus on writing the story she just lived. That kind of transmits the feeling of peace.

Even if Arka's not fully calm, and decides to go out and have some fresh air, while she still fights with her thoughts.

[Arka]

Wow!

What can I say? Once again you have amazed me with your insights - for which I thank you deeply.

In these last few posts you have piucked up on some of the dilemmas I had when writing this ending - I did struggle with how Sudisir would be defeated in the end - the struggle on the edge of the tower was the most difficult to 'choreograph' as it were. My thinking about the Glyph was that you had to had skin contact with it to make it work. The invisibility glyph was in his mouth when he escaped the execution - ergo the Red glyph had to be in his hand, ratther than his pocket.

The ballons ending maybe was a little too comical,but it linked the scene, which was very tense, with Arka's birthday which was joyful (but got tense later). Also it's a kind of release after the threat. At this point Pinante had very little mana - not enough for a counter spell and certainly not enough to teleport everyone off the tower. What could he do? He thought quickly and used the only spell he could with so little mana. It was desparate and probably wouldn't work, just maybe confuse Sudisir - distract him - but it actually worked! The balloons held enough residual power to deflect the flame burst slightly and their combined effect was astonishing - a fluke maybe - but these things happen sometimes.

The ending?

Yes I want to leave a little mystery for the third part of the trilogy, which I am researching now. This I think will be a litle different from the other two  - and Arka will play less of a role. But it is a tale waiting to be told....

Arka

[Nilrem]

As I mentioned, Arka, this is all a matter of each one personal view. Your position about how a glyph has to be used, deserves my respect. I think it's good, although, that you put that idea publicly, since that way readers know what "your rules" are.
Because, as far as I recall, there's no deep explanation of this, in the setting. Pretty much everyone has its vision about magic, and glyphs in particular. Explaining that, for you, the usage of the glyph needs necessarily skin contact with the caster, helps to explain some situations that occur during the whole reading.

As for the way Sudisir is "defeated". Sure, Pinante had few mana, and got no chances to make a big spell. I'm not saying that he should have done one. I just say, that it causes a twist, not only by being an unexpected thing to happen, but also because it's a twist on the storyline that has been kept for the previous 49 chapters. A "serious" one. I just say that it looks a bit out of place. I admitted, too, that this view might be affected by my personal reluctancies towards the common way magic was (is?) played in the game.
As I said, the ending is original, and I'm not going to deny you that fact.

Good to know that you plan about a third story. I hope to be able to read it, eventually.

With this post, I put the end:

51: Epilogue

The ending's very beautiful, with all the group gathered, and on celebration.
It is good, too, how Arka shares her worries, and how the others, with their experience make her see that the one shooting the fireball was not Sudisir.
It's good also how you dispatch this "low point" making a twist, with Lordbug appearance with the good news.

“They’ve found Kehelar, and he’s confessed.”

I think it was "Kehela" not sure though.

“Better still, there’s a reward. He spilled the contents of his leather money pouch on the table. “There’s enough here for the new wing.”

should be “Better still, there’s a reward." He spilled the contents of his leather money pouch on the table. “There’s enough here for the new wing.”

Either way it seems as if the reward was coming from Kehela's hands and not by the guards for helping to jail the "seven".

There are some lack of expliciting who is talking at some moments too:

“Pinante and I were following you.”

“And we might have found you, if Nikoren hadn’t taken us on a wild goose chase.”

“That’s not fair!”

Although it's clear enough that the reply comes from Pinante, arising again the dispute, so no confusion is caused.

I only missed a bit some talk quota for Zorbels. Is the only character that remains silent during the epilogue. I'm not sure if this goes with the personality of the char, if it's the case, then perfect. It might as well be, that you did that on purpose, precisely to remark even more that last moment, with which the story ends, of visual contact between Arka and her, where, without words, is transmitted a feeling of bound.

An emotive ending. A nice story. You wrote something worth to be read. Thanks for all.