Adraax : KCP... Names and Places

[LARAGORN]

First i very much enjoyed your story Xillix  

I would have to say that it is a bit to morbid a tale to be attached to a "Grand Klyro City".
I can understand the direction you wanted to go, but i think it was to harsh of a statment of defiance.

Yes the Klyros knew there were gods, i dont think your story contradicts that at all.
I think it is a great view into their past, giving validation to their contept and defiance of Laanx.

I feel we can still use this if the names are changed.
If the goddess had a different name, and if  "Xariab" was changed to Adraax or somthing close.
The city would then be named in honour of the last of the brood, who in final defiance of the false goddess; lead his people away from certian death.

My 2 tria


Edit: The Runners or Scouts could be desendants of the "Brood" since they did rejoin the comunity, their offspring should have  had a little of thier skills.

[Xillix Queen of Fools]

I can make all those changes, tone down the graphic nature of some elements, and shift the names. If others are agreed, once i know i will proceed. Was working on a response so it is before Laragorn's . . .

I was pleased to know that the story might still be used if shifted some, let me know . ..

[edit] I thought that too laragorn, and also the whole race strengthened through their seed, which is why some of them had marriages etc . . .

also what are your irc names so i can share some thoughts by in real time once in a while

@Inca I think all writers are somewhat tormented, as for myself i can say my excuse was "i was following the tone established by Kixie" /me whistles and looks innocent. . .

[Baldur]

I would rely on that you change the guy's name to Adraxus as not many understand seething glory at once and that Klyro's would rather cheer their hero then remember their destroyer. As I feel it you describe the Klyro's in a more noble sense and It wouldn't be fitting for noble creatures to lean onto seething irony.

[Xillix Queen of Fools]

I have some concensus now, I will give inca a last shot before making alterations.

[Baldur]

I have some concensus now, I will give inca a last shot before making alterations.

Oh, and could you move this to the storywriting section, or maybe you could create a seperate thread like Kixie did. We'll need to sort things out on where what is but this could both fit into the names section and the storytelling, although it's a story *twitch**twitch*

[Xillix Queen of Fools]

I tried to post this story here but i cant access it now

http://hydlaa.com/smf/index.php?topic=23664.0

I was aiming for the lore thread with the story post . . .

* Xillix Queen of Fools looks lost

[Inca Sator]

Hmm, i should post it earlier, but i wanted to sleep and i went to sleep...
So, your story, Xilix - a prologue for Kixie story. Let's look on the composition of the plots of both stories:
---two conflict sides: klyron nation and a female-god (Adraxus and Laanx) who wants to enslave klyroses;
---a group of superior klyroses (The Brood and The Runners) - the main force that helped klyroses defeat Goddess;
---a great battle (Battle with Adraxus, Battle with Laanx) in which klyroses won;
---after battle klyroses moved to new world (to Stone Labirynth, to Yliakim);
---episode of betrayal (The Brood betrayed their Mother - Adraxus; The Klyroses\Runners betrayed their creature\son - Sentinel J'ran)...

So, you see there a lot of similar things in that stories - it's a bad, and new reader of Klyros History (Klyron Myth+Klyron Tale) will surely notice it
Something got to be changed... What i like in your story, Xilix - the first half of it. When i read that Adraxus helped klyroses without without compensation - i was very intrigued This way of enslaving i forget. But in second half of story i often recognized the features from Kixie story...

What i can suggest?
--try to look at your and Kixie stories as whole unified thing. Don't afraid to suggest some changes to Kixie story;
--try to use the features of klyron home realm - low gravitation, watery air and aeriform water, etc.;
--My concept of God existent: God needs the worship, because it's give it to him\her a power and an energy for living, without worship God die (so, it explain why Adraxus lost their god-power in Atheists Realm). But the worshiper get power from this to - it give them spiritual force and then ->physical force.
--not every members of Brood betrayed their Mother; even if they knew about Night of Tears - she don't kill enybody, she treated klyros children as with her own kids;
--the imprecation from Adraxus materialized in Sentinell.

One importan thing: after events of your story, there were a lot of more greater events during Kixie story - why at the end, after Finnal Battle with Sentinell klyros suddenly remembered the kind goddess Adraxus, which they can easily forget during the genocide from Laanx, perpetual battles, travlling through the Stone Labirynth - and called the city in the name of it?

[Arangol]

Now this was some quality reading 

I liked your story very much and I agree with Inca on all the points listed in Incas last post.

[Baldur]

I tried to post this story here but i cant access it now

http://hydlaa.com/smf/index.php?topic=23664.0

I was aiming for the lore thread with the story post . . .

* Xillix Queen of Fools looks lost

Try this
http://hydlaa.com/smf/index.php?topic=24021.45
Otherwise i'll have to post it in your place.

[Xillix Queen of Fools]

All points taken, all changes forthcoming.

[with some changes i think it will mesh much better with kixie's work. for one the runners could be descendants of the brood as laragorn suggested. Two i like the idea of the godesses curse being manifest in the sentinel. Also my background could explain in part why the "mercury" that Kixie mentions holds power for the Klyros because it was made in part by the blood of the brood. The Idea that not all of them revolt from their "mother" works for me as well. I would like to point out that the idea for all this was spontaneously based on Laragorn or baldur's suggestion that Adraak was the name of a goddess, so those similarities are incidental, i did not wittingly copy any element of kixie's story. I will however do all i can to bring the two into sync. The parallelism may actually SERVE the mythology rather than deter it, if some details are hammered out. I will work on some descriptives of Klyros life on their home world as well. One last thing the city will now take the name Adraax in my tale but the person who is now Xariab in my story will be changed to Adraax as many have commented that it would be better to name the city after the defiant hero who walked through the portal first to be killed by laanx rather than the wicked godess who wished to subjugate the klyros.]

someone send kixie an e-mail perhaps we can work on elements together?

Ok I am moving the story now I will work on it some today

http://hydlaa.com/smf/index.php?topic=24021.45

Heh, i started this tale just wanting to justify a name for the city  . . .

[LARAGORN]

Hey guys and gals

I will be gone for 4-5 days.
Finaly got all my RL obligations taken care of.
I am finally able to go to my camp 

I'll try to take some pics for ya.
Have fun, and take care.

[Arangol]

See ya, Bud.

[Baldur]

Laterz, bro. See you in a few

[Kixie]

Thank you for the names. This is very helpful. You've done alot of work in my absense, which proves beyond a doubt the dedication you have with this project. I'm going to go dive into my work now. If Xilix wants to contact me (or if anyone needs to contact me, really) I have all my emails, messenger names, and irc contacts here in my profile. I use AIM frequently now, as the computer I am using has very low performance, and AIM uses less memory than other devices.

Thanks again, I'm off.

[minetus]

welcome back kixie