Say these to your self
Tim Vine , comedian held the record for the most jokes in an hour before another guy broke his record , here is some of them
* So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
* So I rang up a local building firm and said, "I wanna skip outside my house." He said, "I'm not stopping you."
* Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought, "This is unusual". Then the dentist said to me, "Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet".
* I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high".
* I was reading this book, 'The History of Glue'. I couldn't put it down.
* I got a job as the Duke of Edinburgh's hairdresser. The other day I parked outside Buckingham Palace and a policeman came up to me and said "have you got a permit?" And I said, "no, I've just got to take a bit off the back".
* The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.
* Exit signs. They're on the way out, aren't they?
* When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.
* So I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Not that as well!" (Tim Vine live DVD).
* Velcro, what a rip-off...
* I was playing the piano in a bar and this elephant walked in and started crying his eyes out. I said "Do you recognise the tune?" He said "No, I recognise the ivory"
* I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought - he's trying to pull a fast one
* You invented Tippex... Correct me if I'm wrong
* Did you know all male tennis players are witches? For example Goran.. Even-he's-a-witch
* I was in Tescos, and saw this man and woman wrapped in a bar code. I said "Are you two an item?"
* A lorryload of tortoises crashed into a train full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
* I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel
* I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
* Did you know if a stick insect lays it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets?
* I went into a shop and said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Ok, where is he?"
* So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
* So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
* So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
* I used to live in a teapot. I know what you're thinking 'Pour You'
Sources: Wiki
Cheesey ?
