Author Topic: A tale about Mrokiis birth...  (Read 3194 times)

Mrokii

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A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« on: March 27, 2008, 04:45:02 pm »
[Hi all. First and foremost I should say that English is not my native language so I guess the following story bears some weird constructs and probably plenty of errors... And it is looooooon!!!!!  :). I hop not too long for this forum. I decided to write the full description as found in-game here, though it holds more than just a role-play-event, so to say...]

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The Fenki before you is all dressed up in leather that has darkened so much over time, that it is almost black now. The different parts of the armour are stitched together with a red cord that makes the joints look like flames that grow over her body. The only adornment she wears is a wooden amulet carved with the shape of a Velnishi head.

A warhammer is clinging on her right and the words "No! marriage! proposals!" are glowing in a sickening green shimmer on its metal surface. And though it looks threatening, there are no curves or blood stains on it, as if had never been used at all.

When Mrokii notices you, looking at the hammer, she begins to grin and denotes a bow into your direction. While that *could* be a respectful gesture, there is a certain glow in her eyes that clearly shows that she's amused by people that over-emphasize good manners like these. Words pop up in your head as if she had spoken them: "If you want my respect, you will have to earn it."

Right beside of where the hammer is tied to the belt, there is a small rectangular bag, made of leather, also. It bears the lower half of a worn-out book. The top stands out and there is a flimsy calligraphy on it that reads: "A tale about my daughters birth and how she became what she is now"

As you stare on the book, Mrokii takes it out and hands it over. "As you seem to be so curious, why don't you just ask? Go on, read it, if you have some time to waste". She chuckles and turns away while you begin to flip the pages...

And what you read is this:
Mrokii is my only daughter and I had a hard time giving her birth and growing her up as well. But there are reasons for it, and while I could tell about them myself, I rather let one of our elders speak for me, whose speech is far better than mine. All I can say for now is that, while my beloved daughter can be harsh and over-reactive sometimes, she is a helpful person (if she is in the right mood, that is). But if you catch her in a bad mood, you better stay away from her. And should you be silly enough to betray her, the least you can expect is to be ignored for a long time. Some even told me, that once or twice, somebody disappeared soon after such an event... But my heart doesn't want to believe that...

Turning another page, you read,

Greetings, dear reader. I will do my best to fulfill the wishes of Mrokiis mother and tell you about some of the reasons that made young Mrokii a loner if there is one and why she likes it that way.
For one, she is *very* confident of herself (maybe a bit too much sometimes). But I think this is due to her unusual birth that both Mrokii and her mother survived, despite of the life-threatening circumstances under which it happened.

Another factor that scares many off is that she prefers to speak out the truth (as seh sees it) even if it might hurt you. That is why many think she's a cold hearted Fenki (which is true to some degree). But on the other hand, she *can* be romantic too... Well, romantic in a way, that she sheds a tear for the friend she just sent to hell because he betrayed her... But if you gain her trust, she will try everything to help and will listen carefully if you have something important to talk about.

The third and last factor for her status as a loner is that she respects nobody (at least not from the beginning). You will have a hard time to gain her respect and the fact alone, that you are a king or a priest means nothing to her (trust me, I know what I am talking about. And it is because of this lack of respect, that she makes fun of each and everything if she is in the right mood and even more if you insist on being something special just because of your title.

So, although she may look repellent and may scare you off at first, she likes to help friendly people most of the time. And if she doesn't she will tell you, rest assured.

But I guess I should now try to get to the main part of my telling, Mrokiis birth. I will start it with a remark about a certain ability of hers that attracts (or at other times irritates) many people. It is the change of the color of her eyes, sometimes when she blinks. She says, it happens randomly, but I somehow think that she can control it and uses for her own amusement... Anyway, the important point is that this is an outer sign that Mrokiis's body doesn't only bare one Fenki, but also parts of another. And the story behind that goes like this:

mrokii's birth has been discussed in her parents village for many, many years before she was even born. An old Enkidukai priest had told her mother that she would be blessed by some long forgotten God, but that the birth would be a great risk for both of them, the mother and the child.
But the young mother-to-be, a healer, didn't give too much on his words, as she had learned to rely solely on herself, taught so by the healer she received her knowledge about herbals from. And so she didn't listen when the time of birth was near and everyone told her to stay at home. Instead, she insisted on going out in a stormy winter night to collect a mysterious plant from a dark forest. And when she was on her way, almost there, almost wheere the line of trees began, it started to snow and wind began to blow. And it grew to a storm, so that it howled in the young mothers ears and she didn't even see her own hand before her yes and couldn't find the way back to her village.
So, with her last breath, leaning against the wind, Mrokiis's mother mde it to the line of trees, hid into the wood and tried to cover herself under some brittle branches.
Right at this moment she felt Mrokii was on her way...
The mother sighed in grief, as she knew that the chances for her new born baby to survive the storm would be...
But then she heard the voice of the old Priest in her head. And he said, that, if she would do her best to bring the baby into this world, someone would watch over her and the child. And so she did what had to be done. And when it was over, she hid the new born child under her clothes and on her chest to keep her warm.
But the storm didnt stop and so it seemed, as if Mrokii and her mother would die in this cold winter night. But they didn't. Instead her mother felt a worm stream of light, that found its way out of nowhere into her body and it heated up, until she didn't feel cold anymore. And so di her daughter, covered at her mothers brest.
Once again the mother heard the voide of the old Priest inside her head and he said "Something must die for something else to live". And as a vision came down to both the mother and her child, they saw a picture of another Fenki, one named Mroki. Do you think that it is pure coincidence that the young mother had previously planned to name your daughter Mrokii...?
Anyway, the vision started to change... This Fenki named Mroki lived in Ojaveda for a while and travelled around a lot, finding friends here and there. But at one time, she heard the same words, the mother had heard only moments ago: "Something must die for something else to live". And Mroki knew that she was given a choice, a blessing or a curse. And she decided to give her life for another one. And so she did, just in the night when your Mrokii was born.
A few hours before that incident, Mroki had left her own village to go out into the wilderness. And at the very moment the baby was born, Mroki began to disappear, as if she was fading away. And the moment, the young mother and her child felt the warm stream of light was when Mroki was gone.

But not completely.
A certain part of Mroki, partly energy, partly will and belief survived. And through some magical way, it was carried over into Mrokii and her mother, who from then on shared some knowledge that formerly was part of Mroki. But in this night, all that was important was the life energy Mroki had given. And though the night was still deadly cold, the mother and her young daughter survived.
The next morning, the villagers, who were out to look for some dead bodies found the couple, and many fell down on their knees in desbelief and thank whomsoever was responsible for keeping both alive. And this his how Mrokii was born and survived her first night on Yliakum.

Theorex

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2008, 05:58:23 pm »
lol...hmm doesn't seem so long on here, did you take bits out of the description?  ;D

It's nice anyway. If english isn't your native language I'm stunned!  :o

Your english is very good...

Suno_Regin

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2008, 07:41:37 pm »
Describe what we see, not what we do. What we do is our decision, not yours. Some people just want to know what you look like, and could care less about reading a book. I haven't even bothered to read all of this, but I've seen your character ingame, and I know (especially after reading the second post) that this is your character description.

Mrokii

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2008, 10:00:44 pm »
lol...hmm doesn't seem so long on here, did you take bits out of the description?  ;D
Well, it "looked" long in the description window :) And it obviously is far longer than most other descriptions I read.

It's nice anyway. If english isn't your native language I'm stunned!  :o

Your english is very good...
thank you!

Mrokii

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2008, 10:06:43 pm »
Describe what we see, not what we do. What we do is our decision, not yours. Some people just want to know what you look like, and could care less about reading a book. I haven't even bothered to read all of this, but I've seen your character ingame, and I know (especially after reading the second post) that this is your character description.
It is my description, right. And I never said that anybody is obliged to read all of it. That is why the description of what someone sees is at the top of it. If you don't like to read the rest, fine, I have no problem with it. But don't expect me to throw out all the rest, as I like it that way.

Suno_Regin

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2008, 10:11:42 pm »
That's fine, but perhaps change it up a little. Don't dictate what our characters do, but say something like "if one was to open the book, they would see that[...]". Don't use second-person pronouns, just describe what "may" be seen.

Socius Rockus

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2008, 11:18:29 pm »
It's a rather nice story :)
Unusually told, but it's an unusual story  :lol: Maybe you can work it out more, it's sometimes a little direct IMO. I mean a little more detail ect.  :lol:
That's fine, but perhaps change it up a little. Don't dictate what our characters do, but say something like "if one was to open the book, they would see that[...]". Don't use second-person pronouns, just describe what "may" be seen.
That may be so for the "description" IG, but as story this is just another way to write it.
Say something about the story when you have read it, don't go criticizing someones IC behavior (Isn't that semi-against forum rules anyway?) in a STORY thread...  ::) Like c'mon, relax and enjoy the story. Don't spoil the story thread  :lol: :flowers:

Anumesa

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2008, 11:28:33 pm »
Nice story :)

Keep it up!

Theorex

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2008, 12:13:57 am »
(About this as your description, not the story in this forum topic)

That's fine, but perhaps change it up a little. Don't dictate what our characters do, but say something like "if one was to open the book, they would see that[...]". Don't use second-person pronouns, just describe what "may" be seen.

well maybe instead give titles to the description like Zwenze had suggested to me.

Maybe put 'Visual Description:' in front of the description, and 'Birth story:' story about the birth.

So that the reader knows what he/she's reading, and can deside for themselves which they wanna read without having to read any of it first to realise.

But anyway that is a little  :offtopic: so...

Having read through most of it again, I still can't believe you're not english. What did you get someone to translate it and write it out for you?  :P

(I'll edit this tomorrow and say about my thoughts on the actual story but I've run out of time now)
« Last Edit: March 28, 2008, 12:16:06 am by Theorex »

Leama

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2008, 12:51:52 am »
This is a nice story, I enjoyed it. There are some misspelled words, but on the whole your mastery of the English language is grand. Let us know if there will be more.
Thank you for entertaining me.

Leama.
Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.

Mrokii

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Re: A tale about Mrokiis birth...
« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2008, 08:33:35 am »
first of all, thank you for all the comments about my story and your thoughts on how to improve it. And thank you especially for all the nice compliments, they mean a lot to me.  \\o// Though I don't really regard the story as *that* marvellous (the same goes for my English). Anyhow I believe you this time  :lol:

Maybe you can work it out more, it's sometimes a little direct IMO. I mean a little more detail ect.  :lol:
I mainly described not everything in full detail as I did not want to make the story longer as necessary. And I am lazy :)

Don't use second-person pronouns, just describe what "may" be seen.
i see your point and I think I "might" be able to live with such a change ;) I will think about your suggestion, thanks.

Maybe put 'Visual Description:' in front of the description, and 'Birth story:' story about the birth.

So that the reader knows what he/she's reading, and can deside for themselves which they wanna read without having to read any of it first to realise.
I thought I already had done that in some way. The problem with explicit headlines (if that is what you mean) is that it breaks the story somehow. But on the other hand I think it might not be that much of a problem.

Having read through most of it again, I still can't believe you're not english. What did you get someone to translate it and write it out for you?  :P
Yeah, I asked the dockworker in Oja to write it for me (he's a real poet) and let the translator in Hydlaa to do the dirty work me. Didn't know she also speaks German until I asked her, a nice unknown feature  :D
« Last Edit: March 28, 2008, 09:08:43 am by Mrokii »