Now that I’m back, I want to share with everyone that I regret a lot of things that happened between me and other members of the community. The last 13 months have given me time to look back on my involvement in PlaneShift, and I don’t feel good about it. I’ve made friends, I’ve done good things for people, and I’ve donated to the guilds and roleplay stories that have happened here. But there have also been too many bad relations, too many enemies, and too many hurt feelings. It weighs on me and it feels dirty.
In game, I was never a great roleplayer. I had a habit of mixing out of character feelings with my in-game persona. My real life emotions and frustrations would seep their way into my character. And my main character didn’t have a steady, well written personality. I would fight a lot, and I would get upset when I lost. My bad habits bothered others and I didn’t correct them for a very long time.
I would also stand up to people who I saw as troublemakers and bad influences, but doing that made me a bad example for others. It created trouble with other players when there didn't need to be any. I was not a peacemaker.
One of the most annoying things I did was how competitive I got over spawns. I wouldn’t steal kills. But I would be fiercely competitive. I didn’t share, and I didn’t respect the needs and wants of others. This was partly because I felt like no one was on my side in anything, and so I had to look out for myself before all others. It did nothing but cause even more conflict between me and other players.
And on the forum, like in game, my intent was not to make others feel bad or to cause conflict. But the way I posted caused conflicts and made others feel bad. My posts were very aggressive far too often. I was too caught up in being right. All I was concerned about was me being right and others being wrong. It was terribly selfish of me.
All of these things had the effect of making others feel bad. Because I was so selfish, I didn’t stop to look at the bigger picture. I didn’t stop to think that the reason I had enemies was because I was being an enemy to others. Instead, I blamed everything on things like “reputation”. I was in a mode of blaming everyone else instead of looking at what mistakes I was making.
I think the biggest apology I owe is to the GM team, who work tirelessly to make sure things run smoothly around here. I’ve been pathologically hypercritical of them and for that I’m sorry. I was thinking and saying bad things about them without ever stopping to think what it's like to be them.
This time away from the community has given me a chance to reflect on things and see things differently. I want to be a better member of the community now that I’m back. Hopefully those who remember me can place some trust in me in return. To those who aren't able to do that right away, I’ll work to earn it as time goes on.
