Conflicts

[Mathy Stockington]

First off I wish to address the moderators of this forum. Please allow this thread and do not either lock it or delete it. My hope is some good will come of it.

Ok here it goes:

I see many conflicts here and in game. I am very saddened by it. The forum is an extension of the game and the conflicts are very evident. What I want to do in this thread is hear how we can deal with these situations so maybe it will stop or maybe it can be handled in a better way.

For example: The situation with Lolitra’s guild house how that could have been handled in a better way? Certainly I do understand the passion that this game brings out in all of us. I just wish that we could get past the conflicts so that we can play. [On a personal note I lost two great friends in that situation and that should not have happened.] I hope it will help all of us.

Please do not make this a thread of conflicts in itself. That is not what I want to see here. Suggest ways to make things better. If someone has problems and wishes to state them so he/she can handle their conflicts with good sound advise then do not hesitate. Let this be a positive thread that we can all gain from.



 

[Mythryndel]

I have seen lots of conflict on the forums, and until last night, not so much in-game. I have seen some very adolescent attitudes cropping up recently, but mostly ignore them in-game. On the forums, well, I tend to make sure issues that I feel are important don't get swept under the rug. Does this mean that people get frustrated or irritated with me... probably. Am I ever attacking people personally, not intentionally.

I try to keep the discussion about the game, not the person behind a character/poster. That is the best way I can suggest of trying to keep people from getting offended and blowing things out of proportion. However, I cannot keep people from taking my statements personally, so even this is not foolproof.

BTW... what happened with guildhouses? I saw a notice up a Kada's, and now this post...

[Under the moon]

Use

Common

Sense.

[Pizik]

Behaviour on The Internet, and thus in the Game are just reflections of real life, often magnified by the cloak of percieved annonimity that these outlets give you. Conflicts are unavoidable.

The above also applies to the astounding lack of common sense that is often displayed.

[zorbels]

Communication. Period.

Assumptions are bad, especially when we can't read each others facial expressions and body language. We have all done it. I myself have learned to not take anything personal until I know for sure it was meant that way, especially on the forums.

One other thing that helps is to not let the issue get to you so much. Some people just want confrontation. They don't care about the solution. That is when you need to take a step back and let go of the issue. Not so easy (especially for some of us) but necessary.

This is kinda off topic but .....

I have to say something that is bugging me. Anyone who gets angry enough to delete their character and leave the game because something didn't work out their way .... well .... was never loyal to the game or it's RP. Only to themselves and their ideals. It is a very selfish act and it proves nothing to anyone. You just end up losing a character you put your hard work into and leaving behind a mess for your former player friends to clean up.

[Mathy Stockington]

Use

Common

Sense.

I agree with this statement. The thing about it is that someone's idea of common sense is not necessarily the same as someone's else. Herein lies a difficulty better known as a conflict. So how do we try to make this right?

Communication. Period.

Assumptions are bad, especially when we can't read each others facial expressions and body language. We have all done it. I myself have learned to not take anything personal until I know for sure it was meant that way, especially on the forums.

Excellent advice!!

One more question: How do resolve problems when the other person refuses to talk it out? /ignore really does not do anything, but gets people upset.

[Earl_Listbard]

Conflict sifts out the weak, and makes the strong even stronger.

[Tuxide]

The situation with Lolitra’s guild house how that could have been handled in a better way?

If you're gonna do something like that, then you might as well let the other guy consent to it.  I don't want PS to cater to griefers too much, but then again I don't want PS to be too carebear friendly either.

[Dajoji]

You should also know when to let things go. Blowing things out of proportion with unnecessary drama is a big factor so always keep in mind that this is just a game. That means that you should not expect to meet the best friend of your life, your one and only soul mate, or the mentor who is going to change your destiny while you play it. If it happens, good for you, but chances are it won't.

There are jerks everywhere and the more attention you give them the worse they get. Sometimes it's not worth the hassle. If stating your opinion and sharing your side of the story does not help, not much else will, so it's better to just drop it and keep enjoying the game. If things escalate and people start breaking rules, the GM team will intervene.

Now, regarding the recent events regarding the House of Purrty, the actions of the player behind said event were deemed against the rules since they carried the intention to cause grief. Therefore the player was punished. When the player exposed his ideas for this event on IRC, he was given boundaries he chose to disrespect. For future reference, keep in mind that some players will attempt to bother/annoy/disrupt other people's gaming experience through alleged IC actions and while those IC actions may be convincing, they do not hide the intention to cause grief, which is considered an act of harassment and will not be tolerated. If you are invited to join such a plot, ask yourself and those behind it if everyone involved will enjoy it, whether they win or lose before carrying out your plan. Otherwise, the outcome may ruin your own gaming experience.

[khoridor]

Conflict is a form of communication, and common sense simply doesn't exist; that is, there is not a way to see things shared by everybody.
But conflict is not violence, and a person one confronts is not an enemy. Debate is conflict. Suggestions are often conflicting, and result in compromises. And different ways of playing end up in countless conflicts through this forum.

There's nothing wrong with expressing passion, until it hurts someone. If one feels hurt, he should always let some time pass before responding, so the passion lowers, and feelings can be told in the content of the text, not in its form. 90% of the times I read someone being hurt, I don't actually see anything hurtful in the text; people take things personally, which is a form of egocentrism, whereas whoever wrote was also thinking of self (obviously). If ones gets hurt by a comment, one should read it again and again. The point is not to agree, but to accept what the interlocutor says before answering, because the words are feelings and thoughts, not tennis balls to be thrown back and forth until exhaustion. The form is what makes a comment pleasant to read, but the content is what does matter.

If you find a conflict to be sterile, just leave it. If a conflict makes you think, keep going. The way I see it (without knowing the details), the conflict you are referring to is needed: there is a big mess that noone wanted, and many want to know who is hurt, or to tell that they are hurt, and regrets need to be expressed, points of view given, until all remember that they are talking about a game. So let it flow. You'll have to discover where it leads; probably to the recovery of peace.

Ah, and to handle a conflict, it's always good to have a mediator whom everyone would accept as a neutral ground. Like the wise old women councils of our long lost matriarchies. I know, that's not so easy to find.

[Earl_Listbard]

Conflict is a form of communication, and... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.  Blah blah blah blah? The point is not to agree, but to accept what the interlocutor says before answering, because the words are feelings and thoughts, not tennis balls to be thrown back and forth until exhaustion. The form is what makes a comment pleasant to read, but the content is what does matter. Blah blah blah.

and to handle a conflict, it's always good to have a mediator whom everyone would accept as a neutral ground. Like the wise old women councils of our long lost matriarchies. I know, that's not so easy to find.

In fewer words: "Grow a pair and move on."

[khoridor]

blah yourself. 
See, you do like conflicts.
In my book, you've just been aggressive.
Just like you've been with Lolitra.
Now grow a pair and deny it.

[Mathy Stockington]

I do not want this thread locked. Please stay focused.

[Mythryndel]

Well, to be honest, you've just gotten an example of what you were talking about resolving. From my perspective, this was not a personal attack (please correct me if I am wrong), but rephrasing of the long explanation for those that need a more direct answer. Of course I work with some rather rough individuals and don't take offence at rather pointed language. So maybe i'm not the best judge of what is considered incendiary.

Grow a thicker skin and don't take [EDIT]things personally is definitely warranted in ANY internet venture.

[Vonor]

For some people this is "just" a game, but for others it is more than that. It is a hobby in which they put time into it. Some more, some less. Some in this way and some in another way.

I can totally understand hat people get hurt by actions of others. But should we get hurt by words from people on the internet?
Think about it. You get hurt by written words, as Zorbels has stated it before, we neither can see the facial expressions nor the body language of the person we're talking to on the Internet.
And without those chances are that we misunderstand eachother. Not always a blunt form is meant to be rude. Keep in mind that not everyone is a native English speaker and not every native English speaker is a master at expressing theirselves through written words.

Taken those facts into consideration it's clear (at least to me) why some conflicts occur. The question is just how we should handle those conflicts. IMHO khoridor said it already and I totally agree with it:

If ones gets hurt by a comment, one should read it again and again. The point is not to agree, but to accept what the interlocutor says before answering, because the words are feelings and thoughts, not tennis balls to be thrown back and forth until exhaustion. The form is what makes a comment pleasant to read, but the content is what does matter.

If you got hurt by someones words, ask yourself if they really meant to hurt you. Take some time to cool down and think about it a few times before answering.


@ Mathy, as you brough it up yourself, I'm going to use the incident with Lolitras guildhouse as an example.
For Lolitra it is more than a game, it is a hobby she puts much time and effort in and she being hurt by the things happened is understandable.
For you it also is more than a game, I can see all the feelings you put into PlaneShift and you got hurt for loosing two friends.

Now it happened that you got hurt by something Lolitra said in her guild thread, but you got to ask yourself if she intended to attack you personally. I honestly doubt she intended any attacks.
I can only give you an advice, based on my personal opinion: Read over a comment a few times and ask yourself if the writer wanted to attack you or not. If you get hurt and/or pushed up by those words take a little break before replying to them.
Often a few minutes are already enough.