I Should Have Known Better - A Menki's Plight.
by Edig Kaibu
I guess I should have known better. I shouldn’t have done it! I should have just paid someone to keep my secret and then I could pretend I was following the law. But no! I had to do it. I had to see for myself how it felt. I had to know why others were compelled to do it day after day and sometimes with out paws, er… I mean pause.
Now that I have, and not just once, I wish I hadn’t. I wish I could go back to that first day, slap my self silly, and avoid this altogether. But I’m afraid I’m beyond even that glimmer of hope now.
You see it all started when I realized the 18th anniversary of my birth was fast approaching and it dawned on me that I hadn’t thought of how to avoid a certain unpleasantness. I had never known the guards to ask anyone whether or not they did, but I just couldn’t take that chance. I’ve never been to jail or did anything against the law and I wasn’t about to start now.
I did have a Kran friend I would have trusted with my secret, but I couldn’t find him to inquire as to his willingness to help. I shouldn’t have to do that though. I should have just faced up to what the normal expectation would be; that I too would join the ranks of those who have done the same thing before me.
I was separated from my family many years ago and so I had no emotional support for the day I would take my first nor was my father and mother there to show me what to do or how. This was supposed to happen while I was still a kit in my family’s home, but such was not to be. Instead my teacher was a gruff old Stonebreaker who didn’t care one bit who I was, and he wasn’t about to keep my secret. He instead chose to teach me and forced me to do his bidding lest he turn me over to the authorities.
And so it came to pass that it finally happened. I wasn't even even sure I had done it. In fact, I was completely shocked it had happened at all. The dwarf, my supposed teacher, stood there looking as daft as ever and staring at me as if he too were in shock. As I looked around I slowly realized what I had done. I looked back to the dwarf, who I guess finally realized I had been telling the truth all that time, simply looked down at the ground as I began to shake. Soon enough I was doubled over on the floor bringing my breakfast once again before my eyes, only this time its’ looks were not quite as appetizing as before.
When I finished, I cried like I had never cried before. I should have been able to crawl up into my mothers’ or fathers’ lap for comfort, but that day there would be no such comfort; just deep pain and remorse. All the while the Dwarf stood motionless and focused only on the ground. He finally walked away. I suppose he simply didn't know how to deal with real raw emotion. Who really knows for sure. He never spoke of that day.
I suppose it could have ended there. In fact it should have ended there. I was depressed for many weeks after and couldn’t even bring myself to make my normal deliveries. My dear friend finally did show up one day and even asked me several times if I was okay. I just didn’t have the heart to tell him what I had done. I didn’t want him to think I was a bad person now.
But as horrible as that day was, it wasn’t over for me. That Dwarf made me do it time and time again and in different ways. He said if I was to truly learn then I had to learn the different methods and with different tools. He said the more I do it, the less it would hurt. I wasn’t lucky enough to have it end with the first occurrence like it was for some others I knew. And time and time again I would collapse at the end of his lessons crying myself to sleep there where I once stood.
To me this act was something so horrendous that I never believed I would ever be able to do it, but what was done was done. That Dwarf did lie to me though. The pain hasn’t subsided. It’s something that still affects me greatly to this day. While I do keep up with my training occasionally, I still take time out to pray for what ever it is that I have trained on. The pain never really subsides and in a way I hope it doesn’t. I’d like to think that one day I’ll be able to stop and never look back. I pray that one day Talad Himself may even forgive me for what I've done.
But somehow I doubt he will. I prayed over that first Trepor I accidentally killed for several hours and never felt Talad's grace. Perhaps He will have a change of heart if I follow a path of healing and forgiveness of others. Maybe there is a way I can assure myself of some sort of salvation. Maybe... Aw, who am I really trying to fool.
I can only pray now that I will never have to fight or kill ever again.
Edit - I may in the future update this story or at the very least fix the errors contained within. This was just a first draft so be patient. MeThanks. Edig.
