Author Topic: Heroes  (Read 1153 times)

bloodedIrishman

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Heroes
« on: June 03, 2010, 11:57:58 am »
One.

A day in the life of Mordeth Maiden-wooer Banditslayer Shadowfire the Great


A tall, handsome and muscular Ylian man stands atop a hill, gazing with twinkling and deep set hazel eyes into the distance. Across his back he wears a large two-handed long sword, superbly crafted by a master blacksmith that lived Ages ago. A midnight-blue cloak covers almost his entire body, the head uncovered so that he can gaze evermore heroically into that distance. His boots are leather but have a supply silk feel, yet somehow indestructible. At his neck, the cloak parts at a medal that ties it together, engraved with a noble Lion. He wears a shining plate chest, trimmed with gold and laced with silver, beautifully gleaming in the sparkling sunlight. His plate legs are no less awe-inspiring; with a slight bulge in his pants that has allured many a young maiden.


He is Mordeth Maiden-wooer Banditslayer Shadowfire the Great.  


Mordeth observes the battle beneath him, a war between two factions; The Villains and The Bringers of Light. He lets the wind caress his smooth, tanned skin and allows his hair to be blown around his magnificent head in a sexy way. He undoes the ties to his cloak and lets it fly away in the breeze, falling down on a crowd of screaming girls that follow him everywhere. They fight over it and only pieces remain. The light from the heavens shines down on his battle armor and brightens everything around him for miles. The battle stops. All the fighting soldiers halt and look up at him in trepidation; they are fearful. He strides down the hill gracefully.

The Villain's leader steps forward, "Who are you to interrupt our fight?" He responds, "I am he that brings justice; wreathed in flame and shadow that consumes all who stand to halt the pursuit of it."

“Err…what?”

“You heard me; wreathed in flame and shadow”

“You’ve been listening to many a myth boy; mages today only focus on one school of magic and most can just barely light a campfire.”

Mordeth laughs and forms a haughty face, one that he practiced many times in the mirror. “I am no petty conjurer!” He raises his hands toward the sky and begins chanting in Latin, “Quondam EGO ulterius sic ferreus EGO pooped myself quod stomachata ex meus ulterius no mihi rideo risi risum sic ferreus EGO cried" several times for his magic spell to work.

Nothing happened. Now, Mordeth didn't know Latin, and it wasn't even supposed to be a language in Yliakum, but Latin sounds cool and he did it anyway. Mordeth had never used magic, he just kind of got lucky. At the end of his chant, Mordeth felt an odd amount of heat originating from outside his pants when suddenly his platelegs burst into flame. Now, if you've ever worn metal and been inside of it while outside the temperature is burning - well, you're screwed. But luckily for Mordeth he was able to shimmy out of the plate and in the process threw it in the direction of The Villain's leader. Who, at that moment, was distracted by a really hot chick walking by. And she was pretty hot, I'm talking a 10. Bow chika wow wow, know what I'm saying? This was unfortunate for The Villain's leader who was then struck by a pair of flaming plate legs and under the fiery weight he slowly burned to death.

Mordeth didn't notice any of this and hastily patted his teddy bear boxers so they wouldn't catch fire. Meanwhile the Villain's forces were fleeing, frightened by the awesome power of Mordeth the flaming-pants thrower. They had heard of some with this power, Tuxide and his War on Pants, Vvallace and his flaming pants. The Bringers of the Light gathered around the panicky Mordeth and knelt; offering him their service. Looking up from his steaming boxers, Mordeth gaped at the burning body and hundreds of soldiers in supplication to him. Now, Mordeth wasn't born with an ego, per say, but ever since it had grown and grown until you really couldn't imagine it getting any bigger. But it did. And of course, this only made it bigger. No, this isn't a sexual allusion. Don't be disgusting.

They all stopped for lunch beneath the mountain and everyone had salted Tefusang meat. Mordeth always ate salted Tefusang meat because it is the manliest food in Planeshift. Also raising his cooking level takes too much time and pretending like he has salted Tefusang meat is more convenient. They went on their merry way, singing songs to pass the time while they walked through the Trepor field. As they traversed a lonely road, a band of rogues appeared on the mountainside and ambushed them! They were overwhelmed, but with Mordeth's leadership they fought back and the rogues retreated.

Now, glory is an excitable thing, and it was certainly one of Mordeth's many weaknesses. It was also a weakness of The Bringers of Light, because anyone pompous enough to call themselves that probably likes to be recognized. Nothing wrong with that of course, most heroes are vainglorious, that's just the way it is.

Mordeth went to the bathroom on some of the dead bandits and after he was done, ordered all his homies to follow the rogues to their lair. They happened upon a valley deep in the mountain and went inside a cave, where they battled the cutthroats and beat them all. After looting everything, Mordeth happened upon a prisoner. Mordeth was struck by her beauty, fair and graceful, a face that could melt the hardest heart. She thanked Mordeth for saving her and all the Bringers cheered in triumph.

They returned to Hydlaa and found she was a daughter of the wealthiest merchant in the city! He asked for her hand in marriage and the father consented. Wedding bells sounded across the streets in Hydlaa as the happy couple were wed together in harmony. Knowing Mordeth, of course, he only wanted to bone her, and being a moral man, he could only marry her before he had some afternoon delights if you know what I'm sayin.

A week later the couple found out she was pregnant. Mordeth was never seen in Hydlaa again. For the understanding of why I don't use her name, it's because it's not recorded anywhere. Some speculate Mordeth never knew her name. The speculation derives from Mordeth's inability to concentrate on what people are saying unless it directly ties in with his interests. Those interests being (in no particular order) Glory, fame, riches, women (parts of them) legendary weapons, legendary armor, eternal youth, etc. the list goes on. I imagine that while she told him her name he was staring down at a particular part of her (two parts, to be exact) while she wore one of those medieval dresses that women did where the knockers are lifted up to the extreme. Can't blame him, after all, what man would?

But Mordeth wasn't entirely heartless, he had met a man in Hydlaa who he befriended and paid to take care of his ex-wife while he was gone. He paid him and after Mordeth left she was paid a visit by this man. Now, Rigwyn wasn't heartless, he could understand a broken woman's heart. He had seen his fair share. She fades from history, though, at about the same point, the tale of another woman rises. Rigwyn apparently partnered with her in crime until she turned him good as well, and he became a cobbler and owned a shoe shop in the East district. They lived happily ever after.

The stories of Mordeth's exploits continue, and we'll get to that sometime later. Oh and if you didn't know already, the latin means "One time I farted so hard I pooped myself and the fumes from my fart made me cry."

Mordeth did not become legend because of his intelligence.
« Last Edit: September 05, 2010, 09:21:39 pm by bloodedIrishman »

LigH

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Re: Heroes
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2010, 03:59:59 am »
Shhh ... did you already know that the Knowledge Seekers are reviewing poetry for Jayose's library extension? At least serious stories...

Nevertheless, quite amusing. :)

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jaculapundactum

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Re: Heroes
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2010, 06:16:22 am »
Hilarious  ;D

bloodedIrishman

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Re: Heroes
« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2010, 11:14:34 pm »
Hey. If your cool with me using your character in these, don't send me an angry PM. If you are, send one. But make it colorful.

bloodedIrishman

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Re: Heroes
« Reply #4 on: June 05, 2010, 01:55:25 am »
Two.

The Story of Noob-ody McAngry

Once upon a time there was a new player who joined the fascinating world of Planeshift. After creating his character and not knowing what the heck the points were supposed to do, he was a part of Yliakum. Nobody really knows what his name was, but since Nobody knew who he was, and he was a noob, they cleverly named him “Noob-ody”. The last part of his pitifully unintelligent nickname came later, as you’ll see, and the reason why? Well, you could take an intelligent guess.

Shockingly enough, Noob-ody experienced much lag and freezing, inevitably taking out his noob rage on his keyboard, which to this day needs therapy. That’s right, I personified a keyboard. Who else does that? Noyone, that’s who. After a week of back and forth on IRC and the forums, he solved his problems and was able to play. He found that people were actually helpful, and taught him how to role play. He visited Harn’s smithy often and became an apprentice Blacksmith. Unfortunately, he met Hangatyr, who was the meanest blacksmith around. He used his hammer to beat up newbs and bashed their heads in, using the bloody pulp for serving the homeless’ breakfast hash. Still, he managed to avoid Hangatyr and continued his immersion into PS.

I forgot to mention that he was a klyros. He saw their wings and was like, “I think they can fly. That would be logical, since they have wings. Okay, I want klyros! They look awesome!” Now, to his disappointment, klyros cannot fly, as you well know. But – from his quote you could assume that he was an excitable fellow, and probably single-minded, as most noobies are, but you could also assume, and not without a lot of stereotype that players who use klyros’ are single-minded semi-noobs. Just sayin. Everyone’s thinking it. They are also illiterate; noyone I know who has a klyros’ main actually reads more than a paragraph. Moving on.

Noob-ody was thoroughly enjoying his Planeshift experience, doing quests in Hydlaa and going out into the unknown wilds of Ojaroad 1! After about a week of this, he decided to visit the Arena, to learn valuable fighting techniques. He bought a pair of falchions from Harnquist, who was drunk that day.  Ten mugs of mead will do that to you. If you didn’t know, Harnquist wears a wifebeater all the time. Quite frankly, he smells disgusting. Just on the side though, I heard from a very reliable source that he had a “relationship” with Marathal. Don’t tell anyone I said that, though. It’s between us.

He walked through the tunnel connecting the Arena to Hydlaa, the dark gloom of the halls contrasting with the light outside, and scary monks sang to enhance the experience. He felt like a conqueror, visiting unknown lands for riches and glory. Of course, he didn’t know that most conquering soldiers usually die from disease, venereal or not. Nevertheless let’s focus on his feelings at that moment.

He stepped through the arch, into the sunlight that shined down on him and he was amazed! Warriors wearing different battle armors and wielding wicked weapons were dueling vigorously on the grass in front of a grand structure that left him speechless! The building was beautiful in its own way, a masculine edifice that spoke volumes of the abilities of its creators. He was greeted by gladiators and warriors, their faces shining with sweat, laughing at their friends around them. Noob-ody felt at home here, and felt he too would become a great warrior one day. Deciding to acquaint himself with the Arena master so that he could learn the basics of form, he ventured inside with a grin on his face.

That quickly slid off as a rogue stabbed him in the back and he died.

Noob-ody was angry at first, but found his way out of the Death Realm with a guide. He came back to Hydlaa and practiced on rats until he got his sword up to level 3. Now he was fully confident in his abilities. He returned to the Arena and was greeted by his friends. He joined a guild called “Klyros Junktion”. Noyone really knows what “Junktion” means but the community fully accepts the weirdness of klyros in general, so what the hay, let them have their weird name. I’m not judging them. Are you?

He came down through the same corridor as before and found the rogue, standing with his face against a pillar in the corner of a room. The rogue was spinning around and making shaky movements. Noob-ody was like “wtf?” and found he could hit the rogue without being hit back! He was like, hell yeah! This is the stuff! It took him an hour, but he killed it. During that time, he went into the kitchen for a sandwich and some tea. It was turkey with mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomatoes, and onions on whole, wheat bread. The tea had three cubes of sugar. This has absolutely no relevance to the story.

The moment he came back, he saw a ylian male wielding battle axes run up to him and cut off his head! He was like “WTF!”. In his nooby anger, he spilled burning hot tea all over his arms and was rushed to the hospital for bandaging. When he came back, he was still logged in.

Looking in his system he saw it say ……”You have been killed by Vvallace!”

Nearly in tears, noob-ody had to play with his arms feeling like they were on fire as he maneuvered out of the Death Realm. He died about twelve times trying to get out. Shame, really, he recalls an enkiduai stepping out of the shadows and pushing him off that cliff that most people die from. The enkiduai’s name tag started with a “K”. But he can’t remember. It’s not important anyway. Let’s move on.

Now he came back to Yliakum and complained to his guild that a guy named Vvallace had killed him. So he reported Vvallace to the GM’s and the famed nooby killer was banned. Apparently he had killed a lot of people and they got pissed. Now, that’s not really a crime, since the PvP pit is, well, for PvP, but Vvallace really didn’t sympathize and ended up killing the avengers anyway.

Then noob-ody found himself free of his tormentor and trained without a fear in the Arena. He had fun and really enjoyed being a part of the Planeshift community.

Then one day as he was dueling with a friend next to the Dlayos, a dermorian male came up named Maulahan and dueled his friend. Maulahan lost and noob-ody’s friend smiled and bowed. Then noob-ody dueled Maulahan and lost, and then reached up his hand for Maulahan to lift him up, but instead Maulahan stabbed him in the chest and roared with laughter. Maulahan was later caught and banned, as it turned out, he was Vvallace in another character. Before he was knocked out with the banhammer he killed a lot of people after him. As it turns out, Maulahan lasted so long because Kull lured away many of the females who were targeting Maulahan. If you didn’t know, Kull Rhundin is a very, very sexy Enkiduai who is known for his suave ways with the ladies. But let’s move on.

Noob-ody loaded the Death Realm and found himself face-to-face with Maulahan. Well, here’s the odd part. For some reason when Noob-ody was going through his options, he chose to put “always accept” in duels. Now, I don’t know if Noob-ody realized this, but you don’t cover your hand with the scent of cake and put it in the mouth of a fat kid. You just don’t. You’re going to lose that hand. Hope that analogy helped you understand this situation better.

Not to go into detail, but Maulahan killed Noob-ody so many times it was painful to watch. Have you ever played Halo and after the first time you died you could never fight back again? You respawned and found yourself dead from that sniper shot? Yeah, that kind of sucks. Oh well, noob-ody dug his own grave. He kept playing.

Well, noob-ody decided to take a break. During this time he calmed down, and when he returned found Vvallace had stopped playing. He breathed a sigh of relief and returned, renewed and ready to role play. He changed his options back to their regular settings, of course.

He went back to the Arena and dueled in the front, winning many victories. He became rather renowned for his abilities. So he decided to try his hand at the Dlayo’s. He was afraid at first, glancing around for any sight of the infamous Vvallace. He killed one Dlayo, and ran back to the wall. He killed another, and ran back. Pretty soon he was so confident in his abilities he stayed in the middle of the pit and even went afk sometimes.
He was sure that he was the top dog.

Wrong.

Vvallace ran up, chopped his head off with his axes, cut him up into little pieces and said: “You just got powned noob.”

After this incident, noyone saw Noob-ody McAngry again. There are reports of a rampant noob who ran the streets of Hydlaa screaming nonsense and shaking down anyone who looked like a Ylian. He was grabbed off the streets by Sarva, the evil GM who uses people for her experiments. But she’ll be in another story. Not this one. This one is about a noob. A noob who got powned. Get powned noobs!

You may ask, 'Storyteller, why is Noob-ody McAngry a hero?' And I'll respond, 'because child, he was a noob who stood up for himself, and in the process was humiliated for our entertainment. This is the purpose of all noobs. He fulfilled his duty to the bitter end. This. This is why Noob-ody McAngry is a hero.'















« Last Edit: September 05, 2010, 09:22:10 pm by bloodedIrishman »

Tirion

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Re: Heroes
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2010, 10:13:14 am »
Third part?
Quote from: bloodedIrishman
Have some hope for the human race. We might be misery incarnate but with a little goodwill and some understanding we tend to shine now and again.

bloodedIrishman

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Re: Heroes
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2010, 05:14:03 pm »
Third part?

Eh. It'll come sooner or later.