Author Topic: The kidnapping  (Read 3044 times)

MishkaL1138

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The kidnapping
« on: March 27, 2011, 11:39:22 pm »
-Where… where am I?
She blinked a few times. A dark blur moved swiftly before her. What looked like a torch was to her left. She struggled, trying to free herself, but the ropes were tied too tight around her. She felt them wrapping her bare fur.  A fresh breeze, probably produced by someone passing near her, made her turn her head around.
-Hello?
The blur stopped. Even though without her glasses, she could tell it was a Klyros silhouette, with the wings behind the figure. The unidentified Klyros stared at her for a while and continued doing her business.
-Where am I? Hello?
She squinted a bit, trying to focus on the moving blur. Suddenly, it stopped before her and slapped her with energy.
-Ssssh! -The blur sounded amused- We don’t want to get caught, do we? That’d only mean I’d have to torture you…
-What the~ what am I doing here?
-It’s simple, dear Mishka! –The voice was a female’s voice, sweet and musical, with a slight crazy tone- I don’t like you. You’re way too important.
Mishka frowned deeply, trying to get a look at the Klyros girl’s face. Unfortunately, she was masked.
-Who are you and what do you want from me? – Mishka asked, growling a bit.
-Don’t growl, honey. You have a good voice to go around growling at people. And I won’t tell you who I am, there is no point in that! I’m going to kill you… actually you are already dead. Your friends are all crying and sad –the Klyros started mocking Mishka-: Boo-hoo, our friend is dead, we have a big sad, boo-hoo! You should have seen that Clamod… Zalya is it? Yeees! Oh, oh, and the little healer!
The Klyros laughed manically. It reverberated in a way that Mishka could tell they were in a cave. She struggled with energy, trying to get free, only getting another slap, harder than the first one, in response. The fenki yelled at her loudly, and not precisely pretty things. The Klyros frowned and got closer to Mishka’s face. She could feel her cold breath, which made her shiver, and caused the fur on the nape of her neck to fluff for a second.
-The bait worked. Now I can have all the fun I want with you. It’s a pity you won’t enjoy it as much as I will –Mishka could see a small blade gleaming on the Klyros’ claw-. The bait worked so well, and everyone is so convinced you are dead, that I will keep you here for longer. So, tell me, cutie, why do you need to be so popular?
>>”You are nothing but a weak female Enkidukai. Where is daddy? Oh, he’s dead. And mommy? Dead, too, but I guess you like it that way? What a shame. If I had a daughter like you I’d be ashamed. But that may be because you are like her, a crazy and revengeful fenki. You hide yourself between that mask you created, the strong warrior, the kind mother, the playful friend. You’re dead on the inside, aren’t you, Mishy? You’re but a carcass. I guess killing you is the greatest favor anyone has ever done to you, and I am sure I should be honored. You’re disgusting, Mishka. You left your husband, the only man that ever loved you with all his heart, in cold blood, because you were unable to love him? Oh, come on…  You did NOT deserve him.”
The Clamod stared at the figure wide-eyed. This one put her spectacles on her muzzle so she could have a better look at her mask, and laughed softly before continuing:
-Look at yourself… naked, tied up. Defenseless. Poor, poor Mishka. Anyways, I have to go now. Oh, and don’t try to burn the ropes, you won’t be able to. Your glyph sacks are now in your bag, and your bag is near your corpse. Well, not your corpse –she chuckled-, but you get my point. It was pretty hard to find a good bait. I will be back soon for your first session, honey. We’ll have looooots of fun…
The Klyros left, laughing out loud. The cave amplified the laughter so much Mishka lowered her ears and closed her eyes, thinking it’d get muffled. It didn’t work.
*  *  *
The lonely yulbar sniffed around the ground and raised his leg, peeing on what he thought was a tree. The velnishi hissed at it, and the yulbar bolted off, yelping in fear. He stopped when it hit something… something furry, soft. The yulbar rubbed himself against the furry, soft thing that smelled like lavender.
-Hello, little one, can you help?
The yulbar, startled, looked up, to see a tied up fenki smiling kindly at him. Suddenly, not knowing how, he jumped on her lap and started trying to lick her face. Mishka purred softly, smiling.
-Yes, yes, I’m happy to see you too, little one. Who is your owner?
The yulbar simply stared at her, wagging his little tail. Mishka asked him, without many hopes, to bite the ropes. To her surprise, the yulbar understood her, and the fenki was soon free. Guided by the small pet, she got out of the cave, finding herself on the road to the Eagle Bronze Doors. She started running to Gugrontid in the middle of the night, tripping on rocks, roots and others. She didn’t even care.
*  *  *
The big stalactite with the stone houses showed before her. She hugged the yulbar tightly, crying a bit, making the small creature squeak and squirm, and ran towards Gardr. Kra was keeping some clothes for her, and she quickly got dressed, and put on a new set of chainmail. Mishka looked at the yulbar, kissed its nose, and smiled:
-It’s time I get back home; they’ll all be missing me.
The yulbar licked Mishka’s nose back, and squirmed a bit to get free. She let him down, and the pet rubbed himself against her legs before hopping a bit and running off almost as quick as a rivnak. Mishka stared at it, surprised, when a beam of light struck where the yulbar was, making it disappear. A soft, warm breeze, carrying a sweet charmflower smell, blew around her.
-I think it’s about time I change… the Klyros was right. I should be on the inside like I am on the outside.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2011, 02:54:08 pm by MishkaL1138 »

"It's all fun and games until someone stabs someone else in the eye."

Sarras Volcae

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2011, 05:06:57 am »
The yulbar licked Mishka’s nose back, and squirmed a bit to get free. She let him down, and the pet rubbed himself against her legs before hopping a bit and running off almost as quick as a rivnak. Mishka stared at it, surprised, when a beam of light struck where the yulbar was, making it disappear. A soft, warm breeze, carrying a sweet charmflower smell, blew around her.

 ??? erm... isn't this literally godmodding?

novacadian

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2011, 06:04:06 am »
??? erm... isn't this literally godmodding?

[ God Maddening would be more like it. After waiting for a good 4 hours for Mishka's funeral to come to an end, in she walks; making me and about 18 17 other players proper idiots (one was Mishka's alt). With only a few days to wait, this RP should have been saved for April Fools.  - Nova ]

Eighteen Seventeen Fools

http://trollkeep.com/images/shot25.jpg
« Last Edit: March 29, 2011, 12:50:06 am by neko kyouran »

Aramara Meibi

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2011, 07:09:49 am »
it was a nice funeral.. too bad it wasn't real.

yes, consider me properly duped.

here's a nice gem in reflection of the whole shebang.

Aramara says: whoever was behind this was cruel, ruthless, and well intentioned
Aramara says: I suspect Gartheiz
all blessings to the assembled devotees.

Phantomboy86

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2011, 07:29:56 am »
Now if you look juuust behind the wall where the garden starts widening out, you can see me. Trav never misses an enki funeral.  \\o//

Elkarway

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2011, 07:49:28 am »
The yulbar licked Mishka’s nose back, and squirmed a bit to get free. She let him down, and the pet rubbed himself against her legs before hopping a bit and running off almost as quick as a rivnak. Mishka stared at it, surprised, when a beam of light struck where the yulbar was, making it disappear. A soft, warm breeze, carrying a sweet charmflower smell, blew around her.

 ??? erm... isn't this literally godmodding?

Don't think that was rped, think it was just written.  Which makes it not godmodding.  Funeral was interesting, will be fun to see if the rp continues, and how the whole thing will change Miska.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2011, 08:03:18 am by Elkarway »

Sarras Volcae

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2011, 08:56:35 am »
doesn't matter if it was roleplayed or not. stories recalling events, even not roleplayed, can be considered godmodding. but i would only say in the case that there's a magical yulbar with god powaz.

Elkarway

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #7 on: March 28, 2011, 09:52:56 am »
doesn't matter if it was roleplayed or not. stories recalling events, even not roleplayed, can be considered godmodding. but i would only say in the case that there's a magical yulbar with god powaz.

Like bitting rope and being hard to see in intense sunlight (crystallight?)? :P

*edit*

Yes, I'm just assuming it was a way of writing "To my surpise, an intense light broke through the clouds and I could no longer see the yulbar" and not "And the Scotty beamed up the Yulbar" Tongue

Then again, a yulbar being unsummoned would make it disappear, too...  I don't see how it's godmodding.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2011, 12:51:11 am by neko kyouran »

Sangwa

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2011, 11:49:46 am »
I must agree it's not the best plot I've seen around. Too much flash and too little plot, if you ask me. Players should thrive to use as little crutches (material generated out of the game) as possible.

Then again, after seeing the clone wars on the north gate, I'll take anything.
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MishkaL1138

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2011, 02:37:49 pm »
Sarras, honestly, I couldn't care less about your opinion on this. To me, it doesn't break any rule, so it is not godmodding. If you want to continue arguing it, okay, but I won't care.

I did not see what I did could be considered godmodding on the rules. Were you there when it happened? No. Is it your story? No. Does it break any rule? Not that I could see. If you don't like the story, simply write "I don't like this because I think […]" and then you explain. But if you like it, I don't see why you should say anything about it.

Don't think that was rped, think it was just written.  Which makes it not godmodding.  Funeral was interesting, will be fun to see if the rp continues, and how the whole thing will change Miska.

Elkarway here, pretty old player (not in age, of course ;D he's only a few years older than me), does have a good and valid point here. Godmodding would be "OMG Talad gave me the power to resurrect pplz lol! [when I have been PLing Crystal Way for 2 months]" . I would love it if a GM gave his/her opinion.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2011, 02:47:33 pm by MishkaL1138 »

"It's all fun and games until someone stabs someone else in the eye."

Sangwa

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #10 on: March 28, 2011, 04:05:36 pm »
Yeah, I wouldn't call it a good example of godmodding mainly because the character didn't get anything new out of it. Well, besides a bit of (im)popularity and a bit of material to develop in further rps... Or not... The only problem I have with it is that the crutches used are a bit far fetched. In the future I'd advise keeping it simple.

Despite all that, it's well written and well displayed and it allowed for a relatively good time.

PS: Why is Morwen ghostly?
« Last Edit: March 28, 2011, 05:37:26 pm by Sangwa »
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Sarras Volcae

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2011, 01:58:21 am »
dear Mishka Laralkakales,

I did not see what I did could be considered godmodding on the rules. Were you there when it happened? No. Is it your story? No. Does it break any rule? Not that I could see. If you don't like the story, simply write "I don't like this because I think […]" and then you explain. But if you like it, I don't see why you should say anything about it.

could i have possibly been there when it happened? no. you didn't even roleplay this. is it my story? that's not even relevant; i'm not trying to plagiarize. does it break any rule? i would say godmodding, although that's more of a guideline anyway. and i'm not sure what you mean with your last couple sentences. you say you're open to criticism, which i am providing, but for some reason the last post i made was deleted. you should inform whoever this renegade moderator is that you wish to read my responses.

i liked the story at first. however, the yulbar was a deus ex machina. ruined the whole plot, really. i know you could have come up with something better. hell, mishka should be able to escape by herself. she is amazing after all. from what i've heard, at least.

there are too many loose ends. such as who this klyros is, the true identity of the dead fenki, and if this yulbar is a deity in animal form.

i'm not sure if the kidnapper is a real character. i think she is, but if that is true, she has to be an alt of yours. she is a delusional and jealous personality. it's almost as if you are reflecting a darker side of yourself in this klyros. that's a basic tactic for writing a character. however, you delve too far by letting her say, "I don't like you. You're way too important." honestly, mishka hardly needs anyone to remind her how important she is. if yliakum were a movie, mishka would be the young, curvaceous, heroic protagonist.

in game, i heard that the pseudo-mishka was some fenki that had been assassinated. but where did she come from? and if the kidnapper was capable of formulating such a flawless plan, killing the unknown fenki, and even taking mishka against her will, how was mishka able to escape? shouldn't there be contingency plans? the story is not consistent with the kidnapper's character and solves the complex situation with simple, almost divine intervention.

it would be nice if you could clarify where this yulbar came from. that's what i meant by "literally godmodding" since it appears that a god willed mishka to be saved by this creature. once again, divine intervention.

sincerely, Sarras Volcae

P.S. please don't take offense to this. it's constructive criticism.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2011, 02:08:45 pm by neko kyouran »

Sangwa

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2011, 02:15:00 am »
We got your opinion already. If that player didn't until now, I doubt he will just because you rephrased it. You made some good points which will probably be overlooked due to the emotive start you chose that includes a wrong formulation of what is godmodding.

And since this is getting deleted: *does the hula dance*
« Last Edit: March 29, 2011, 02:18:56 am by Sangwa »
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neko kyouran

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2011, 02:19:03 pm »
i've further went through and did some more pruning to the thread that was performed yesterday to make it flow better and make more sense.

each side has been allowed to state their opinions on the OP when they stated it in such a way that it provided constructive criticism, not just useless bashing. that is one of the purposes of this forum section after all; users are able to showcase their writing as well as others are able to comment on them and provide any thoughts on how it could be improved, so long as it is done in a civil and constructive way.  it is then up to the thread starter to take those thoughts into mind in their future RP or not.

the OT posts about what is and what isn't god modding is more appropriate for it's own thread in the general discussion forum section.  please continue that subject there.

And since this is getting deleted: *does the hula dance*

see sig line.   :devil:

Sangwa

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Re: The kidnapping
« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2011, 02:55:28 pm »
Nooooooo! Now the image I've been trying so hard to pass shall be stained by my shameful, lewd hula dancing...

Anyway, good thing the thread didn't degenerate further. I hope Mishka takes the best part of this, since he's a productive, pro-active player whose improvements should have more impact than if they happened in most other players.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2011, 03:13:35 pm by Sangwa »
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