Author Topic: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of  (Read 3871 times)

Atagal

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Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« on: June 28, 2011, 12:17:33 pm »
Ok, so I have made stories for some of my char's in different formats and so on... I thought I would share them and see what every one has to say about the; I will say now that one does talk about vampires and understand that is not really something to be rp'd in Planeshift and so on... But it is how I had made the story. Bear that in mind please. Also, these are stories I came up with so no stealing~ thank you <3  >o)

I wanted to make each section a different color so no confusedness of whitch char is who...

Also each story has a description of the char of mine. Also I like 'colour' so. . .


So first one I will post I think is going to be Shaesha, I like how I desided to type this one up, was expermenting with putting the description as a story in it's own way.

"A fenki (female Enkidukai) sits there on the hill over looking everything below; she is kneeled with her paws on her lap one on the other though both face down.

Her legs are well rounded, well toned; her arms also are well toned. Her cheeks have a slight curve to them rather than being rounded. Her muzzle is a bit shorter than most enki (short for “Enkidukai”). And her ears about a normal length seem to be more rounded at the top. Her pure blue eyes are a perfect size to fit her features well. Her hips follow the shape of her body. Her paws (feet and hands) are a size which also fits with her body, not too big or too small.

From the front her fur is a pure black color though it has a shine to it, even more so in the light; her fur glistens in the light of the crystal. From her back it is about the same other than the small of her back in which is a dark gray color, it is in the shape of a perfect circle, about a foot from one side to the other of the circle.

She wears a light green color shorts that go half way down to her knees, they appear to be designed to give her legs freedom to move easily; and it does not cover her tail at all. There is freedom for her tail to move because the hole in the shorts in which it comes from is slightly wider than her tail. And she has a shirt which goes down to above her belly button; its color is also light green and matches the shorts. The shirt has no sleeves at all so to not interfere with any movement of her arms.

She wears no shoes, boots or sandals; all of her paws are uncovered, her feet and ‘hands.’ Her arms and head are also uncovered.

There is no jewelry on her.

She has no weapons, and no armor. All though her teeth and claws; if you ever see them, look strong and sharp.

When approached she may seem shy or nervous. She might stray away or move back if she feels a person moved too close to her and makes her uncomfortable. And when you get to know her and she gets to know you, well that is a secret to be reveled.
 
She sits there on the hill just staring at anything that moves, though she remains motionless. Her eyes move a little as she watches animals move.

After a few hours she stretches some and yawns. She sighs softly and gets to her feet, and stretches again to try and loosen up some of her muscles; having been holding still for so long they needed it.

Slowly she starts to travel down the hill, silently. Her eyes still watching animals around the trees at the bottom of the hill. She spots a trep (Trepors.) [Trep description: An intelligent and hostile creature resembling a spider, but with a human face. A fully-grown trepor is about 1.5m high, 1m wide and 1m long. They have four feelers on their raised backs; these feelers help them to move around swiftly in the darkness.] The trep she spots is not a fully grown one but rather a trep which is half way grown.

The fenki silently stalks the trep, being carful not to be seen by it. Slowly while stalking the fenki moves closer and closer to the trep, partly waiting for it to come farther away from any other animal; having seen some bigger animals nearby.

She moves ahead of where the trep is going and climbs a big and thick tree, using her claws to move up it fast. She carful moves out on one of the limbs of the tree, and once again watches the trep who has now stop and started to eat something.

Getting tired of watching the fenki climbs down slowly and grabs a good sized rock and she goes back up the tree. Once back up the tree she looks and makes sure the trep is still there, which it was. The fenki grins some and tosses the rock to land on the far side of the trep. The trep having been startled by the sound of the rock landing starts to run. It runs away from the rock heading just where the fenki hoped; towards her.

The fenki times it just right and jumps down from the tree’s limb to land right on the trep. While landing she extends her claws while grabbing either side of the trep’s head. Trying to take it down easily and fast. The rep feeling the pain changes directions causing the fenki to nearly lose her grip, though she manages to stay on the trep’s back.

She reaches down as the trep keeps running and grabs a rock as they pass over it. She sighs having dislike using anything other then her own claws and swings with both paws, hitting the rock on the trep’s head as hard as she can.

The trep’s face runs down into the ground from the force hitting it and it flips over, though it rolls over top of the fenki who made sure to land in such a way she does not get hurt. But as the trep rolls over her, she grunts.

The trep does not move after it stops rolling. The fenki approaches the trep silently and carefully. As she moves near the trep does not move. The fenki grabs a bigger rock while moving closer. Just in case.

When she gets close she smells than sees the blood coming from the trep from where her claws had dug in and from where the rock hit. She grins.

She whispers to herself “Looks like I will not have to go hungry tonight.”

She leans down and looks at the trep closely. And she moves around it and then slowly using her claws cuts it open, she slowly pulls out the trep’s heart. She smiles softly to her self.

She moves away from the trep, and while she walks she starts to eat the trep’s heart. After she finishes it and cleans her lips and paws from the blood of the creature. She climbs up a near by tree and curls up, trying to get comfortable. Once she does she quickly drifts off to sleep."

I like how I had typed this one up x3

So next I'll do th not so vamp Inuamaru, honestly I made this char for a friend.. Who did not like PS... So they gave me the char and account..
I did her's more of history then a story format...

"In front of you is a young Enki girl, though she looks a little older then she really is. Her perfect snow white fur appears to glow in the light like diamonds; when it’s clean (normally is.) Her fur has jet black stripes; most go from her back to her side. There is one of the stripes goes farther; it goes from her back to about half way on her belly (about three inches from her belly button.) The one that is on her head goes down to her nose, and is a light pink.  She wears a leather shirt and a leather skirt that goes nearly to her knee, both fit loosely. In her mane you can see a flower braided in it. If you see her smile you may notice her fangs are longer than normal Enki’s; and really sharp. Her claws are a light sapphire color, very strong and sharp. Her tail seems long (long enough to nearly touch the ground when she walks) thin but strong as well. Her ears shift to any where there is sound (she might be listening to every word being whispered around her.) Her walk seems to be slightly alluring, graceful, fast, her tail swaying behind her. When she speaks her voice sounds as if she is much older but like a voice of some one who might sing. Her eyes look like crystals that almost seem to glow but as they pass over you, you feel either warmth or a chill running down your spine, maybe your very soul itself.

Inuamaru’s history: She was a simple fenki living with her family up to when she met a menki who changed her life. He is gone now though. She used to go around helping people who asked or seemed to be in need of it, from helping her parents to showing travelers around the small Enki town.

Her mom was an animal trainer who she loved helping. Her dad was an Alchemist who she would help finding things and prepare thing for. She also loved to read in her spare time. She went to charm school for a while. Then she tried to get a job dealing with magic. From that she learned some magic. After that she went exploring. One day she came across a cave, at first she was not sure about it but decided why not. She went into the cave, after a while of walking she fell into a hole to a place of the cave that was flooded. She thought she was going to die; but some thing grabbed her and pulled her out of the water. She ended up passing out before she could see who or what it was that saved her. When she woke up she saw a large male Enkidukai, when he smiled at her she noticed his fangs were longer then any Enki she had seen before.  His fur was jet black and grey at his chin and at the tip of his tail, his eyes a piercing green. He offered some food; she gratefully took the offer and ate the food. They talked for a while; some how she ended up asking about his fangs; he told her that he was a vampire. That only got her to ask more questions; like what a vampire is. He explained and answered every question she asked. One of her questions was why he did not kill her after saving her, he told her ‘Simply because I do not kill people, I am not like all the other vampires who just kill any one and do as they want to the person who they killed, I find no fun or joy out of it; I rather try helping people instead of killing them for that I am a vampire.”  He noticed her interest in this so much he asked her if she would like to become a vampire like him though a part of how he asked kind of hinted he did not like the idea of making someone a vampire. She thought about it for a while before nodding. That night she became a vampire. After that night though; he told her that he had to leave. She was kind of sad about this; so he held her for the rest of the night. That morning he left. This is when she left to see more of the world. "

I do know some parts I was kind of lame -rolls eyes- I mean he asked though hated the idea? Well he decided, it really was her choice in the matter and he did what made her happy sense they'd never meet again why not leave her with something to be happy about other then just her life?


Now this last one..  Might not have been the final pick for some details, I am not fully sure when it was I typed it up do to have time half asleep when typing these things. .. This is Atagal.. I will say right now, it is not a pleasent story... At first anyways.. Nor has it been updated in a long time sense it goes from before I started rp'ing her to was current when I typed it. There is mention of sex, no details though other then her prego and the kits being killed. . . If your faint of heart please don't bother reading past this... And if you can't sepreate ooc and ic and will rp like you know all this, I will say now I will ignore any chance of rp with you, because only a very few know ANY of this ic, and they will not ever tell any of this. Only way you may rp any info of this story is if you some how get Atagal to tell you. Other wise don't rp about it please. This is my main and is the char I hold closest to me. so no  :ban: x3 I don't think it is all that bad just maybe not for people like 10 year old who can't handle a little darker of a story o.o but honestly, maybe good for some idea's.



Atagal is a fenki (fenki = female cat like person, look at the pitcher at the end so you can see.) who has had a hard life; she does not really show any of it because she believes it’ll show people they can push her around. Her fur seems to be snow white with jet black strips, one of her eyes are a bright blue like melting glaciers (right eye), the other a light green (left). She tends to wear Plate Mail heavy armor, because she feels it makes her seem stronger than she might really be, she has trained in heavy armor so much that no one can use it any better than her.
 

She tends to avoid people if possible. She does not like people in normal cases. She does act rather rude and mean to people, even more so to males, because of things that had happen in her past, she is afraid of people in a sense though she does just seem mean. If you look into her eyes you won’t see really anything because she has tried so hard to hide herself, her feelings.

In her past she was a sweet enki girl, she did not seem to think badly of anyone, she was polite, nice, helpful and all, till one enki male she trusted turned against her, he had offered her a drink. She did not think anything wrong with it and drank; he kept offering more till she could not see well, or straight. After a while she had passed out, he told the bartender he was taking her home. He took her someplace she did not know, and he tied her up so she could not move. She was his sex slave for two long years; she had gotten pregnant two times before some one managed to get word of what was happening to her. It was another male enki who saved her, for that he got word from one of the maids in the house Atagal was kept.

 He came and saved her, though she was out cold when she was saved, having just been beaten so much it killed her second set of kittens. He took her some place safe and had left to get her a few things. But she had woken while he was gone and left, having not known who saved her. This is why she has a lot of trust problems now. She can’t trust any one like she did, not even the ones she loves, but she lost the trust towards loved ones because of some of the people she loved hurt her as well. Though she did not trust people well she never liked being fully alone, but never liking groups.

 She had fallen in love with a fenki named Ssar, though Ssar liked Atagal, she also liked some one else, she had denied Atagal for the other person who she had known longer. But after all of this Ssar had killed herself, Atagal never knew why Ssar did this. And had figured she had caused it. Atagal had disappeared for sometime after to come back feeling lonely as ever, she went to the tavern in Oja to get a drink of water, and met another female enki, who she at first became a friend and talked about the latest part of her life dealing with Ssar, this enki seemed a little interested and said how the person she was with had seemed to have disappeared like he had before, and that she was tired of waiting for him. Though this fenki disappeared too. So Atagal was alone once more. She decided to join a guild that had offered her a spot in, it’s named House Cheshire. In the guild she was welcomed. She trained long and hard, till she got stronger, to keep herself safe.

 She got into East Hydlaa to train more and more. She had found a few more people she fell in love with but they ended up leaving her for the others. She had gone crazy and killed them both, she for a long time wanted to hurt any one who came near her. While being crazy, she stumbled upon a power she never knew she had, she could make flames, move flames and alter them to what she wanted them to be, she could even make the flames cold, change their colors. Though she still has not tapped into the full amount of the power she has. The power she has in her is enough to destroy more than all of Hydlaa. And when she thought about it she had noticed, fire in her whole life had never hurt her, that she had never been burned in all of her life. But she did not think much on it. (This is one version of this story, was thinking of others but this was the one that was typed at this time. )These powers came from when she was a kitten, she had chewed on a red way glyph, she ended up chewing a few chips off of it what stayed inside of her, it being magic it was not known how it would effect her, but it seems pretty simple. Over the years of her life it only gained more power, and getting hurt and betrayed as she had it shocked the shards.

While being less insane she saw something, it seemed to be something following her, she ran from it, she hid behind a lot of trees where some one found her, flames burning at the ground and the trees around her. He used magic to try and cool himself from the flames but they were still too hot, but he went through them anyways. As he got close she screamed and passed out. The friend was not sure of what to do; she stayed out for a long time. When she finally came to him, he asked her what happened. She told him someone or something was following her, she thought the flames would keep it away but it only walked through the flames. She said once it got close it looked like her. She said she saw herself that it was herself chasing her the whole time. She said she was afraid it might be the part of her always wanting to kill people.

She went off on some travels to be by herself after that, to come back and most of the people she did know seemed to no longer be around, her guild leader was not even there, though there were a few new recruits. Barike (the one that saved her long ago) brother of the guild leader asked Atagal if she could help one of the new people, it was a female enki. Atagal agreed to help her, this fenki was named Emmara. Atagal kind of liked Emmara and helped her; they spent a lot of time together. Atagal showed Emmara around, from Ojaveda to Bronze Door, showing all the nice views she knew of. After they’d been together a long while (like a month roughly) she showed Emmara the hidden lake under the fortress of Bronze Door. While being down there in the cave to the hidden lake Emmara showed she does like Atagal but was confused. Emmara always believed she would be with a male enki never a female, and that she did not understand her own feelings. Emmara had told Atagal about a few things in her past with a menki she did like and wanted to be with, how he had some interesting strengths, and that he with out meaning to kind of killed himself. 

As time went on the two girls stuck together, after a long time Emmara and Atagal fell in love with each other. The two of them get hurt a lot when hunting but do seem to hold their own. They do at times get hurt badly. But they always seem to be fine after some time to heal. But to not bore every one with the little details… After some time Barike had requested that Emmara go away a little and train. It became the longest time they had spent a part sense they met. When Emmara came back it seemed Atagal had gotten very sick. They took a trip to Bronze Door, half way up the mountain to the Fortress Atagal collapse.  Emmara woke Atagal by casting a freeze spell on her, the shock of the cold woke her, though till than she did not know that the cold seems to hurt her some, to her it felt like every where the cold touch was stinging as if every spot of the cold felt like needles pushing into her flesh.

Though they never seemed to find out what she was sick with. But they are pretty sure that she got sick because with out Emmara around she got depressed and did not eat or anything she just waited, and it is believed her being like that made it easer for her to get sick. She was sick for a long time after so they had gone to a medicine doctor to see if he could help her, he gave her some herbs that she had to put on her food. Even though whatever she was sick with made a lack of apatite. She did as the man told her and she after a while did get better. From than on they stuck together more.
   
   They decided to take a break from the cities and went to Emmara’s home, to visit Emmara’s family. It was a three day trip to get to the ranch that Emmara grew up on. Once they got there Atagal met Emmara’s mom and dad, though they did not inform them they are a couple. After some time after Emmara’s parents got to know Atagal a little they let them know that Emmara and Atagal are mates. The parents were surprise never thinking their little girl would pick to be with a female instead of a male, the father seemed to be fine with it but the mother was not sure about it. Atagal was worried Emmara’s parents did not really like her at all though. Emmara’s father seemed to like Atagal. But after about another day Emmara and Atagal had to head back to the cities. To another long trip.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2012, 06:46:11 am by Atagal »

Ebonwumon

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2011, 04:48:02 pm »
You should choose more subtle colours, or just use the default colour with a horizontal rule.

I didn't read this, because it hurt me.


I am most certainly NOT the one known as Perriwinkle or Overtherainbow

Atagal

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2011, 08:12:20 pm »
I changed the colours~ to only two I don't see blue or pink as harsh on eyes... lol Sorry :p

jenideandre

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2011, 11:45:50 pm »
Atagal, after reading them all the way through (while they were brightly colored, I was able to man up :) )....love them, especially Atagal's story...you write in a strange but good way, like without trying to create any mood, just telling the story, the events, and somehow it works.  It makes me think of different kinds of filmmakers, the ones who just flat out tell the story (David Mamet maybe) and the ones who put a gorgeous shot in the film that may not advance the story except that it tries to bring you more deeply into the story, by reinforcing a mood (Malick's latest film).

Both ways can be ultra effective, and I admire both of them.

Shaesha's story, beginning when she's sitting on the hill, is gorgeous.  It's very Hemingway.  Well done.

Aramara Meibi

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2011, 01:43:48 am »

In her past she was a sweet enki girl, she did not seem to think badly of anyone, she was polite, nice, helpful and all, till one enki male she trusted turned against her, he had offered her a drink. She did not think anything wrong with it and drank; he kept offering more till she could not see well, or straight. After a while she had passed out, he told the bartender he was taking her home. He took her someplace she did not know, and he tied her up so she could not move. She was his sex slave for two long years; she had gotten pregnant two times before some one managed to get word of what was happening to her. It was another male enki who saved her, for that he got word from one of the maids in the house Atagal was kept. He came and saved her, though she was out cold when she was saved, having just been beaten so much it killed her second set of kittens. He took her some place safe and had left to get her a few things. But she had woken while he was gone and left, having not known who saved her. This is why she has a lot of trust problems now. She can’t trust any one like she did, not even the ones she loves, but she lost the trust towards loved ones because of some of the people she loved hurt her as well. Though she did not trust people well she never liked being fully alone, but never liking groups. She had fallen in love with a fenki named Ssar, though Ssar liked Atagal, she also liked some one else, she had denied Atagal for the other person who she had known longer. But after all of this Ssar had killed herself, Atagal never knew why Ssar did this. And had figured she had caused it. Atagal had disappeared for sometime after to come back feeling lonely as ever, she went to the tavern in Oja to get a drink of water, and met another female enki, who she at first became a friend and talked about the latest part of her life dealing with Ssar, this enki seemed a little interested and said how the person she was with had seemed to have disappeared like he had before, and that she was tired of waiting for him. Though this fenki disappeared too. So Atagal was alone once more. She decided to join a guild that had offered her a spot in, it’s named House Cheshire. In the guild she was welcomed. She trained long and hard, till she got stronger, to keep herself safe. She got into East Hydlaa to train more and more. She had found a few more people she fell in love with but they ended up leaving her for the others. She had gone crazy and killed them both, she for a long time wanted to hurt any one who came near her. While being crazy, she stumbled upon a power she never knew she had, she could make flames, move flames and alter them to what she wanted them to be, she could even make the flames cold, change their colors. Though she still has not tapped into the full amount of the power she has. The power she has in her is enough to destroy more than all of Hydlaa. And when she thought about it she had noticed, fire in her whole life had never hurt her, that she had never been burned in all of her life. But she did not think much on it. These powers came from when she was a kitten, she had chewed on a red way glyph, she ended up chewing a few chips off of it what stayed inside of her, it being magic it was not known how it would effect her, but it seems pretty simple. Over the years of her life it only gained more power, and getting hurt and betrayed as she had it shocked the shards. While being less insane she saw something, it seemed to be something following her, she ran from it, she hid behind a lot of trees where some one found her, flames burning at the ground and the trees around her. He used magic to try and cool himself from the flames but they were still too hot, but he went through them anyways. As he got close she screamed and passed out. The friend was not sure of what to do; she stayed out for a long time. When she finally came to he asked her what happened. She told him someone or something was following her, she thought the flames would keep it away but it only walked through the flames. She said once it got close it looked like her. She said she saw herself that it was herself chasing her the whole time. She said she was afraid it might be the part of her always wanting to kill people. She went off on some travels to be by herself after that, to come back and most of the people she did know seemed to no longer be around, her guild leader was not even there, though there were a few new recruits. Barike (the one that saved her long ago) brother of the guild leader asked Atagal if she could help one of the new people, it was a female enki. Atagal agreed to help her, this fenki was named Emmara. Atagal kind of liked Emmara and helped her; they spent a lot of time together. Atagal showed Emmara around, from Ojaveda to Bronze Door, showing all the nice views she knew of. After they’d been together a long while (like a month roughly) she showed Emmara the hidden lake under the fortress of Bronze Door. While being down there in the cave to the hidden lake Emmara showed she does like Atagal but was confused. Emmara always believed she would be with a male enki never a female, and that she did not understand her own feelings. Emmara had told Atagal about a few things in her past with a menki she did like and wanted to be with, how he had some interesting strengths, and that he with out meaning to kind of killed himself.  


This is a huge mass of text. It is very hard to read. I would recommend breaking it into smaller paragraphs.

all blessings to the assembled devotees.

Atagal

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2011, 01:45:36 am »
Lol, true.. I'll need to take some time to do so.. May be a little while though, been bust T_T

And no comment on the other two?
« Last Edit: June 29, 2011, 01:47:20 am by Atagal »

Sarras Volcae

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2011, 05:01:15 am »

In her past she was a sweet enki girl, she did not seem to think badly of anyone, she was polite, nice, helpful and all, till one enki male she trusted turned against her, he had offered her a drink. She did not think anything wrong with it and drank; he kept offering more till she could not see well, or straight. After a while she had passed out, he told the bartender he was taking her home. He took her someplace she did not know, and he tied her up so she could not move. She was his sex slave for two long years; she had gotten pregnant two times before some one managed to get word of what was happening to her. It was another male enki who saved her, for that he got word from one of the maids in the house Atagal was kept. He came and saved her, though she was out cold when she was saved, having just been beaten so much it killed her second set of kittens. He took her some place safe and had left to get her a few things. But she had woken while he was gone and left, having not known who saved her. This is why she has a lot of trust problems now. She can’t trust any one like she did, not even the ones she loves, but she lost the trust towards loved ones because of some of the people she loved hurt her as well. Though she did not trust people well she never liked being fully alone, but never liking groups. She had fallen in love with a fenki named Ssar, though Ssar liked Atagal, she also liked some one else, she had denied Atagal for the other person who she had known longer. But after all of this Ssar had killed herself, Atagal never knew why Ssar did this. And had figured she had caused it. Atagal had disappeared for sometime after to come back feeling lonely as ever, she went to the tavern in Oja to get a drink of water, and met another female enki, who she at first became a friend and talked about the latest part of her life dealing with Ssar, this enki seemed a little interested and said how the person she was with had seemed to have disappeared like he had before, and that she was tired of waiting for him. Though this fenki disappeared too. So Atagal was alone once more. She decided to join a guild that had offered her a spot in, it’s named House Cheshire. In the guild she was welcomed. She trained long and hard, till she got stronger, to keep herself safe. She got into East Hydlaa to train more and more. She had found a few more people she fell in love with but they ended up leaving her for the others. She had gone crazy and killed them both, she for a long time wanted to hurt any one who came near her. While being crazy, she stumbled upon a power she never knew she had, she could make flames, move flames and alter them to what she wanted them to be, she could even make the flames cold, change their colors. Though she still has not tapped into the full amount of the power she has. The power she has in her is enough to destroy more than all of Hydlaa. And when she thought about it she had noticed, fire in her whole life had never hurt her, that she had never been burned in all of her life. But she did not think much on it. These powers came from when she was a kitten, she had chewed on a red way glyph, she ended up chewing a few chips off of it what stayed inside of her, it being magic it was not known how it would effect her, but it seems pretty simple. Over the years of her life it only gained more power, and getting hurt and betrayed as she had it shocked the shards. While being less insane she saw something, it seemed to be something following her, she ran from it, she hid behind a lot of trees where some one found her, flames burning at the ground and the trees around her. He used magic to try and cool himself from the flames but they were still too hot, but he went through them anyways. As he got close she screamed and passed out. The friend was not sure of what to do; she stayed out for a long time. When she finally came to he asked her what happened. She told him someone or something was following her, she thought the flames would keep it away but it only walked through the flames. She said once it got close it looked like her. She said she saw herself that it was herself chasing her the whole time. She said she was afraid it might be the part of her always wanting to kill people. She went off on some travels to be by herself after that, to come back and most of the people she did know seemed to no longer be around, her guild leader was not even there, though there were a few new recruits. Barike (the one that saved her long ago) brother of the guild leader asked Atagal if she could help one of the new people, it was a female enki. Atagal agreed to help her, this fenki was named Emmara. Atagal kind of liked Emmara and helped her; they spent a lot of time together. Atagal showed Emmara around, from Ojaveda to Bronze Door, showing all the nice views she knew of. After they’d been together a long while (like a month roughly) she showed Emmara the hidden lake under the fortress of Bronze Door. While being down there in the cave to the hidden lake Emmara showed she does like Atagal but was confused. Emmara always believed she would be with a male enki never a female, and that she did not understand her own feelings. Emmara had told Atagal about a few things in her past with a menki she did like and wanted to be with, how he had some interesting strengths, and that he with out meaning to kind of killed himself.  


This is a huge mass of text. It is very hard to read. I would recommend breaking it into smaller paragraphs.



was the quote necessary?

atagal's story sounded ridiculous to me. i read through some, then skimmed the rest. sorry.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2011, 05:03:33 am by Sarras Volcae »

EStripus

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2011, 06:37:31 am »
Hey, Atagal! It was nice to see you post something about your characters.   :thumbup:                    

Sounds like you have some fans for your characters' stories. Very cool.

I think it was a nice summary of the characters; it's not easy to write out stories about years of RPing.

I like the experimenting with different types of writing/format styles. I agree with you and Aramara that the big block of text didn't work well for Atagal's story.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2011, 07:09:50 am by EStripus »
Don't godmod me and we'll get along fine.

Jekkar

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2011, 01:02:21 pm »
What the hell is this?
"A new day will come when those who rudely interrupt are swept away!" -Lereal

Dannae

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #9 on: June 29, 2011, 05:42:51 pm »
At least I finally know now why Atagal had to get up and leave quickly the first time Dannae met her and Emmara. If you don't recall, Dannae mentioned about a friend (Lhaa) having become pregnant one night partly as the result of too much drink. IC'ly, she never found out and continues to believe Ata just didn't like her, especially after it happened again on their second meeting. Ah well, at least she's friendly enough with one of the other fenkis not mentioned yet here.

IAMTHOR

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #10 on: June 29, 2011, 10:01:24 pm »
@Jekkar

Wish I knew...

Atagal

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #11 on: June 29, 2011, 11:11:06 pm »
At least I finally know now why Atagal had to get up and leave quickly the first time Dannae met her and Emmara. If you don't recall, Dannae mentioned about a friend (Lhaa) having become pregnant one night partly as the result of too much drink. IC'ly, she never found out and continues to believe Ata just didn't like her, especially after it happened again on their second meeting. Ah well, at least she's friendly enough with one of the other fenkis not mentioned yet here.

Yes, the first reason is right. and to Jekkar and IAMTHOR

It is a colletion of stories I made that three of my char's are based apon.

Mrokii

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #12 on: June 30, 2011, 11:15:55 am »
Shaesha-Story: Interesting technique to hunt a trepor :) As far as writing goes: I think some sentences are a bit complicated / too long, which makes some parts of the text hard to read.

Inuamaru-Story: A bit too short if you ask me. She made the decision to become a vampire pretty light-hearted, don't you think?

As othere said before: Break it story up into paragraphs  ::| Far too difficult to read that way.

I made it through Atagal's story nevertheless. Pretty tough at the beginning, but it's good to see that she finally found somebody who likes to stay with her (or so it looks).

All in all: The stories were interesting, though, I'm sorry to say, I don't really like the style they're written in. This is only my personal opinion, but I would have liked a bit more "atmosphere" in the stories.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2011, 11:17:36 am by Mrokii »

Atagal

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Re: Random char's of mine and stories for them.. Kind of
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2012, 06:48:08 am »
ok, I finally got around apparently to editing Atagal's story a bit. But I am afraid I have not added so much that has happend. To Ata having a kit and to the chance of the story because the bit of the RW was still in question and I was unsure how I wanted to do it and it has changed a little...

Hope Ata's story is easier to read now.. I am sorry about that. And sorry about the wait.