Author Topic: My story "Atempt"  (Read 1800 times)

Sifright

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My story "Atempt"
« on: November 07, 2003, 05:40:24 pm »
Firstly this is only my first atempt here and i am not sure i will continue with this i just want to see how people will respond to my style :)
Oh and please dont judge me to harshly on spellings :)

I Ran swiftly trough the dark ally 2 people closly folowing me i was\'nt sure who they were or why the were chasing me i took left turn sudenly verring into a sub junction and then a right soon i was hit by a dead end i quickly glanced around me to try and find a way out the only options availble seemed to be to either go trough the people chasing me or to climb out. I unsheathed my sword and faces my 2 attackers. Looking into the eyes of my closest attacker. I knew they were going to try and kill me i went into the defensive stance ready to dodge any sword thrusts. I leaped to the left just narrowly dodging his sword stroke i ran up the wall and did a back flip landing just behind him i went to slice his head off but he blocked it in the nick of time with unskillfull parry i dodged again as a sword stroke came for my stomach this time i wasn\'t so lucky and was nicked on the side. i flung my sword at the attacker which he blocked with a lucky parry. I backed away sudenly my options looked very bland i was going to die.

AendarCallenlasse

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« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2003, 05:47:12 pm »
Not too bad a writing style, but some punctuation and a little grammar is needed.

Only n00bs don't quote themselves...
<Aendar>...

Sifright

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« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2003, 05:48:36 pm »
thanks i know that is 1 of my greatist failings as a story writer my lack of punctuation oh and spelling :p

AendarCallenlasse

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« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2003, 05:52:18 pm »
Nah, every great writer will tell you that when they write something they don\'t worry about grammar and punctuation and all.  They just write as it comes to them, then later on they go back and work on the details.

Only n00bs don't quote themselves...
<Aendar>...

Sifright

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« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2003, 05:58:29 pm »
that i didn\'t know :) thanks i generaly revise things some times but only if i have somthing realy eating me about it like a sentence with realy bad structure

Moogie

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« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2003, 05:59:25 pm »
Keep writing, Sifright, sounds like you may have an interesting story to tell. :)

I usually rewrite a chapter, or parts of it, several times in order to correct spelling mistakes, grammar, add/remove detail and generally make it sound as professional and easy-to-read as possible. It takes some practice, but the end result is hugely satisfying if you get it right. :)



Hmm, seems people are getting hungry for another chapter of mine... *Sighs, forces self to open notepad and begins writing*

Sifright

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« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2003, 06:06:38 pm »
yea i love your story mogura : ) just add me at some point well plz :P any how thanks for the constructive criticism :)

Sifright

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« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2003, 06:31:16 pm »
a few improvments along with some extra content i relized i had foolishly not included sound :/


I Ran swiftly trough the dark ally 2 people closely folowing me. I could hear the swishing of my sheath as i ran, and the sound of chainmail clinking behind me. I was\'nt sure who they were. Or why the were chasing me. I sudenly took left turn verring into a sub junction and then a right soon i was hit by a dead end. My heart was pounding i had to calm my self down. I quickly glanced around me to try and find a way out the only options availble seemed to be to either go trough the people chasing me or to climb out. I unsheathed my sword. You could hear a faint Shwing sound as the blade came out. I faced my attackers. Looking into the eyes of my closest attacker. I knew they were going to try and kill me i went into the defensive stance ready to dodge any sword thrusts. I leaped to the left narrowly dodging a sword stroke i ran up the wall and did a back flip landing just behind him i went to slice his head off but he blocked it in the nick of time with unskillfull parry i dodged again as a sword stroke came for my stomach this time i wasn\'t so lucky and was nicked on the side. i flung my sword at the attacker which he blocked with a lucky parry. I backed away. Sudenly my options looked very bleak i was going to die.
« Last Edit: November 07, 2003, 06:32:04 pm by Sifright »

AendarCallenlasse

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« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2003, 12:46:18 am »
Check your PM.

Only n00bs don't quote themselves...
<Aendar>...

Sifright

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« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2003, 01:38:45 am »
The third revision :)
 
I ran swiftly trough the dark ally, two people closely following me. I could hear the swishing of my sheath as I ran and the sound of chainmail clinking behind me. I wasn\'t sure who they were or why they were chasing me. I suddenly took a left turn veering into a subjunction and then a right. Soon I was hit by a dead end. My heart was pounding so hard, I had to stop and calm myself down. I quickly glanced around me to try and find a way out. The only options available seemed to be, go trough the people chasing me or climb out. I unsheathed my sword. A faint swishing sound could be heard as the blade came out. I faced my attackers. Looking into the eyes of my closest attacker, I knew they were going to try and kill me. I went into a defensive stance, ready to dodge any sword thrusts. Leaping to the left, I narrowly dodged a sword stroke. I ran up the wall and did a back flip landing just behind him. I went to slice his head off, but he blocked it in the knick of time with an unskillfull parry. I dodged again as a sword stroke came for my stomach, this time I wasn\'t so lucky and was nicked on the side. I flung my sword at the attacker, which he blocked with a lucky parry. I backed away. Suddenly my options looked very bleak. I was going to die.
« Last Edit: November 08, 2003, 01:40:01 am by Sifright »

Xandria

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« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2003, 03:15:04 am »
Sounds like a good action sequence :tup:

BTW, you can click on the \"Edit\" button on your original post, so you don\'t have to re-post your whole story every time you change it.  Just a tip  :)

How I set my timezone:

ln -sf /usr/share/zoneinfo/Antarctica/Davis /etc/localtime

Sifright

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« Reply #11 on: November 08, 2003, 04:05:15 am »
I know but if i eidt it i wont get bumbed up and i wont have peoples atention that i added content etc :)

Yarulion

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« Reply #12 on: November 08, 2003, 04:16:46 am »
Actually they do act like you haven\'t read them when someone edits a post, it just gets really confusing and turns into Where\'s Waldo looking for the post that has new content ;)
Firiath! ?-idhren! ?-vatha i brestanneth?
Ir tolthach e-m?r, dangweth avo telitha anech!
Man agorathach?
Ir m?r dhanna, gostathach di-nguruthos!


The Alliance of Carceri[/SIZE]

Sifright

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« Reply #13 on: November 09, 2003, 04:06:24 pm »
here is the second part of my story i took a few liberties about a certain guild ;)

I backed away. Suddenly my options looked very bleak. I was going to die.


Suddenly the ground began to shake. All of us looked around. It was rumbling slowly at first. Which steadily become stronger. I looked in horror as the walls of the ally began to crack. The wall to the left of me cracked open leaving a gap just large enough for me to squeeze trough. I jumped into the gap and squeezed trough just narrowly avoiding a sword thrust I was inside a building I wasn\'t sure where it looked to be a tavern. I ran trough the room into a hallway it was massive. There were many people looking round as the ground continued to shake one them a klyros like myself asked me how I got inside. But I didn\'t have time for this.
\"Show me the way out of this place I must leave immediately\" I said
\"Follow Me,\" said the klyros
I followed him some way eventually we come to be out side the building. I told him my name
\"My name is Makahn fellow klyros\"
To which he replied, \"My name is Xeran. Now tell me what were you doing inside there\" the ground had stopped shaking. I caught my breath and explained what had happened. He shook his head \"This town has been getting worse as the years go by time was when there weren?t any bandits\" I said nothing. Xeren then said \"well I have to go back inside I have some friends who will meet me soon I must go come here some time chance\'s are you will find me\" I said good bye and was on my way I had to find Illyria before it was too late. I didn\'t have a clue where I was. I looked around a sign proclaimed this to be Xenfidea Street where that was. I walked around. The street was curiously empty. There was no one around. I came into view of a shop. A sign above the door proclaimed it was \"Ye old Apothecary.\" I went inside looking for the shopkeeper the first thing I noticed was the smell it was like walking into a sewer. I came upon the shopkeeper he seemed to be asleep I prodded him. He fell off his chair. There was a dagger protruding from his chest. There was a sound behind.  I looked around to see some one scrambling to leave the shop for some strange reason he or she was scared of me. I looked around yet again this time my gaze encompassing the store and what it had now that the shop keep was dead I could loot the place with impunity. I took a few potions here and there some were to cure poisons and other to heal minor wounds. I searched on the shopkeeper. His pockets were empty who ever had just been in the shop had obviously looted his body. I left I walked down the street eventually taking a left turn. I was now on Hildagrains street. Famed for the amount of guild houses in the immediate area I kept walking eventually I came to be out side the greatest of guild houses. The Arcane Order.

lynx_lupo

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« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2003, 04:48:20 pm »
Nice. Some more dots and comas wouldn\'t hurt. And I don\'t know how a winged klyros can squeeze through a hole, but others can\'t pursue him.
"Amor sceleratus habendi"- Ovid
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you eat them." -Godzilla